by Meg Cabot
And boy, was she mad.
“What do you mean, calling us a bunch of freaks?” she screamed into the phone.
I said, “Lilly, what are you talking about? I didn’t call you a freak.”
“You basically informed the entire nation that the population ofAlbertEinsteinHigh School is divided into various socioeconomic cliques, and that you and your friends are too uncool to be in any of them!”
“Well,” I said. “We are.”
“Speak for yourself! And what about G and T?”
“What about G and T?”
“You just told the entire country that we sit in there and goof off because Mrs. Hill is always in the teachers’ lounge! What are you, stupid? You’ve probably gotten her into trouble!”
I felt something inside of me clench, as if someone was squeezing my intestines very, very tightly.
“Oh, no,” I breathed. “Do you really think so?”
Lilly just let out a frustrated scream, then snarled, “My parents say to tell your mother mazel tov.”
Then she slammed the phone down.
I felt worse than ever. Poor Mrs. Hill!
Then the phone rang again. It was Shameeka.
“Mia,” she said. “Remember how I invited you to my Halloween party this Friday?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Well, my dad won’t let me have it now.”
“ What? Why?”
“Because thanks to you he is under the impression thatAlbertEinsteinHigh School is filled with sex addicts and alcoholics.”
“But I didn’t say that!” Not in those exact words, anyway.
“Well, that’s what he heard. He is currently in the next room surfing the Internet for a girls’ school inNew Hampshire he can send me to next semester. And he says he’s not letting me go out with a boy again until I’m thirty.”
“Oh, Shameeka,” I said. “I’m so sorry.”
Shameeka didn’t say anything. In fact, she had to hang up, because she was sobbing too hard to speak.
The phone rang again. I didn’t want to answer it, but I had no choice: Mr. Gianini was holding my mom’s hair back while she threw up some more.
“Hello?”
It was Tina Hakim Baba.
“Oh, my gosh!” she shouted.
“I’m sorry, Tina,” I said, figuring I better just start apologizing to every single person who called, right off the bat.
“Sorry? What are you sorry for?” Tina was practically hyperventilating. “You said my name on TV!”
“Um . . .I know.” I had also called her a freak.
“I can’t believe it!” Tina yelled. “That was so cool!”
“You aren’t . . .you aren’t mad at me?”
“Why should I be mad at you? This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve never had my name said on television before!”
I was filled with love and appreciation for Tina Hakim Baba.
“Um,” I asked, carefully, “did your parents see it?”
“Yes! They’re excited, too. My mom said to tell you that the blue eyeshadow was a stroke of genius. Not too much, just enough to catch the light. She was very impressed. Also she said to tell your mother she has some excellent stretch mark cream that she got inSweden . You know, for when she starts getting big. I’ll bring it to school tomorrow, and you can give it to your mother.”
“What about your dad?” I asked, carefully. “He’s not planning on sending you to girls’ school or anything?”
“What are you talking about? He’s delighted that you mentioned my bodyguard. Now he thinks anyone who’d had plans to kidnap me will definitely think twice. Oops, there’s another call. It’s probably my grandmother inDubai . They have a satellite dish. I’m sure she heard you mention me! ‘Bye!”
Tina hung up. Great. Even people inDubai saw my interview. I don’t even know whereDubai is.
The phone rang again. It was Grandmère.
“Well,” she said. “That was just terrible, wasn’t it?”
I said, “Is there any way I can demand a retraction? Because I didn’t mean to say that my Gifted and Talented teacher doesn’t do anything and that my school was full of sex addicts. It’s not, you know.”
“I cannot imagine what that woman was thinking,” Grandmère said. I was pleased she was on my side for once. Then she went on, and I saw that she wasn’t talking about anything to do with me. “She failed to show a single picture of the palace! And it is at its most beautiful in the autumn. The palm trees look magnificent. This is a travesty, I tell you. A travesty. Do you realize the promotional opportunities that have been wasted here? Absolutely wasted?”
“Grandmère, you have to do something,” I wailed. “I don’t know if I’m going to be able to show my face at school tomorrow.”
“Tourism has been down in Genovia,” Grandmère reminded me, “ever since we banned cruise ships from docking in the bay. But who needs day-trippers? With their sticky-film cameras and their awfulBermuda shorts. If that woman had only shown a few shots of the casinos. And the beaches! Why, we have the only naturally white sand along theRiviera . Are you aware of that, Amelia?Monaco has to import their sand.”
“Maybe I could transfer to another school. Do you think there’s a school inManhattan that will take someone with a one point zero in Algebra?”
“Wait—“ Grandmère’s voice became muffled. “Oh, no, there we are. It’s back on, and they’re showing some simply lovely shots of the palace. Oh, and there’s the beach. And the bay. Oh, and the olive groves. Lovely. Simply lovely. That woman might have a few redeeming qualities after all. I suppose I will have to allow your father to continue seeing her.”
She hung up. My own grandmother hung up on me. What kind of a reject am I, anyway?
I went into my mom’s bathroom. She was sitting on the floor, looking unhappy. Mr. Gianini was sitting on the edge of the bathtub. He looked confused.
Well, who can blame him? A couple of months ago, he was just an Algebra teacher. Now he’s the father of the future sibling of the princess of Genovia.
“I need to find another school to go to from now on,” I informed them. “Do you think you could help me out with that, Mr. G? I mean, do you have any pull with the teachers’ association, or anything?”
My mother went, “Oh, Mia. It wasn’t that bad.”
“Yes, it was,” I said. “You didn’t even see most of it. You were in here throwing up.”
“Yes,” my mother said. “But I could hear it. And what did you say that wasn’t true? People who excel at sports have traditionally been treated like gods in our society, while people whose brilliance is cerebral are routinely ignored, or worse, mocked as nerds or geeks. Frankly, I believe scientists working on cures for cancer should be paid the salaries professional athletes are receiving. Professional athletes aren’t out there saving lives, for God’s sake. They entertain. And actors. Don’t tell me acting is art. Teaching. Now there’s an art. Frank should be making what Tom Cruise does, for teaching you how to multiply fractions the way he did.”
I realized my mother was probably delusional with nausea. I said, “Well, I think I’ll just be going to bed now.”
Instead of replying, my mother leaned over the toilet and threw up some more. I could see that in spite of all my warnings about the potential lethality of shellfish for a developing fetus, she’d ordered jumbo prawns in garlic sauce from Number One Noodle Son.
I went to my room and went online. Maybe, I thought, I could transfer to the same school Shameeka’s father is shipping her off to. At least then I’d already have one friend—if Shameeka would even speak to me after what I’d done, which I doubted. No one at Albert Einstein High, with the exception of Tina Hakim Baba, who was obviously clueless, was ever going to speak to me again.
Then an instant message flashed across my computer screen. Someone wanted to talk to me.
But who? Jo-C-rox??? Was it Jo-C-rox?????
No. Even better! It was Michael. M
ichael, at least, still wanted to talk to me.
I have printed out our conversation and stuck it here:
CRACKING:Hey. Just saw you on TV. You were good.
FTLOUIE:What are you talking about? I made a complete and utter fool of myself. And what about Mrs. Hill? They’re probably going to fire her now.
CRACKING:Well, at least you told the truth.
FTLOUIE:But all these people are mad at me now! Lilly’s furious!
CRACKING:She’s just jealous because you had more people watching you in thatone fifteen -minute segment than all the people who’ve ever watched all of her shows put together.
FTLOUIE:No, that’s not why. She thinks I’ve betrayed our generation, or something, by revealing that cliques exist atAlbertEinsteinHigh School .
CRACKING:Well, that, and the fact that you claimed you don’t belong to any of them.
FTLOUIE:Well, I don’t.
CRACKING:Yes, you do. Lilly likes to think you belong to the exclusive and highly selective Lilly Moscovitz clique. Only you neglected to mention this, and that has upset her.
FTLOUIE:Really? Did she say that?
CRACKING:She didn’t say it, but she’s my sister. I know
the way she thinks.
FTLOUIE:Maybe. I don’t know, Michael.
CRACKING:Look, are you all right? You were a mess at school today . . . although now it’s clear why. That’s pretty cool about your mom and Mr. Gianini. You must be excited.
FTLOUIE:I guess so. I mean, it’s kind of embarrassing. But at least this time my mom’s getting married, like a normal person.
CRACKING:Now you won’t need my help with your Algebra homework anymore. You’ll have your own personal tutor right there at home.
I had never thought of this. How awful! I don’t want my own personal tutor. I want Michael to keep helping me during G and T! Mr. Gianini is all right, and everything, but he’s certainly not Michael.
I wrote really fast:
FTLOUIE:Well, I don’t know. I mean, he’s going to be awfully busy for a while, moving in, and then there’ll be the baby and everything.
CRACKING:God. A baby. I can’t believe it. No wonder you were wigging out so badly today.
FTLOUIE:Yeah, I really was. Wigging out, I mean.
CRACKING:And what about that thing this afternoon with Lana? That couldn’t have helped much. Though it was pretty funny, her thinking we were going out, huh?
Actually, I didn’t see anything particularly funny about it. But what was I supposed to say? Gee, Michael, why don’t we give it a try?
As if.
Instead I said:
FTLOUIE:Yeah, she’s such a headcase. I guess it’s never occurred to her that two people of the opposite sex can just be friends, with no romantic involvement.
Although I have to admit the way I feel about Michael—particularly when I’m over at Lilly’s and he comes out of his room with no shirt on—is quite romantic.
CRACKING:Yeah. Listen, what are you doing Friday night?
Was he asking me out? Was Michael Moscovitz finally asking me OUT?
No. It wasn’t possible. Not after the way I’d made a fool of myself on national television.
Just to be safe, though, I figured I’d try for a neutral reply, in case what he wanted to know was whether I could come over and walk Pavlov because the Moscovitzes were going to be out of town, or something.
FTLOUIE:I don’t know. Why?
CRACKING:Because it’s Halloween, you know. I thought a bunch of us could get together and go see The Rocky Horror Picture Show over at the Village Cinema. . . .
Okay. Not a date.
But we’d be sitting beside each other in a darkened room! That counted for something. And Rocky Horror is sort of scary, so if I reached over and grabbed him, it might be okay.
FTLOUIE:Sure, that sounds . . .
Then I remembered. Friday night was Halloween, all right. But it was also the night of my mom’s royal wedding! I mean, if Grandmère gets her way.
FTLOUIE:Can I get back to you? I may have a family obligation that evening.
CRACKING:Sure. Just let me know. Well, see you tomorrow.
FTLOUIE:Yeah. I can’t wait.
CRACKING:Don’t worry. You were telling the truth. You can’t get in trouble for telling the truth.
Ha! That’s what he thinks. There’s a reason I lie all the time, you know.
TOP FIVE BEST THINGS ABOUT BEING IN LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND’S BROTHER
1. Get to see him in his natural environment, not just at school, thus allowing you access to vital information, like difference between his “school” personality and real personality.
2. Get to see him without a shirt on.
3. Get to see him all the time.
4. Get to see how he treats his mother/sister/housekeeper (critical clues as to how he will treat any prospective girlfriend).
5. Convenient: You can hang out with your friend and spy on the object of your affections at the same time.
TOP FIVE WORST THINGS ABOUT BEING IN LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND’S BROTHER
1. Can’t tell her.
2. Can’t tell him, because he might tell her.
3. Can’t tell anyone else, because they might tell him, or worse, her.
4. He will never admit to his true feelings because you are his little sister’s best friend.
5. You are continuously thrust into his presence, knowing that he will never think of you as anything but his little sister’s best friend for as long as you live, and yet you continue to pine for him until every fiber of your being cries out for him and you think you are probably going to die even though your Biology teacher says it is physiologically impossible to die from a broken heart.
Tuesday, October 28, Principal Gupta’s office
Oh, God! No sooner had I set foot in Homeroom today than I was summoned to the principal’s office!
I was hoping it was so that she could make sure I’m not carrying any contraband cough syrup, but it’s more likely because of what I said last night on TV. Particularly, I would guess, the part about how divisive and clique-ridden it is around here.
Meanwhile, all the other people in this school who have never been invited to a party given by a popular kid have rallied around me. It’s like I’ve struck a blow for dweebs everywhere, or something. The minute I walked into school today, the hip-hoppers, the brainiacs, the drama freaks, they were all, “Hey! Tell it like it is, sistah.”
No one’s ever called me sistah before. It is somewhat invigorating.
Only the cheerleaders treat me the way they always have. As I walk down the hall, their eyes flick over me, from the top of my head all the way down to my shoes. And then they whisper to each other and laugh.
Well, I suppose it is amusing to see a five-foot-nine, flat-chested amazon like myself roaming loose in the halls. I’m surprised no one has thrown a net over me and hauled me off to the Natural History Museum.
Of my own friends, only Lilly—and Shameeka, of course—aren’t entirely thrilled with last night’s performance. Lilly’s still unhappy about my spilling the beans about the socioeconomic division of our school population. Not unhappy enough to turn down a ride to school in my limo this morning, however.
Interestingly, Lilly’s chilly treatment of me has only served to bring her brother and I closer. This morning in the limo on the way to school, Michael offered to go over my Algebra homework with me, and make sure my equations were all right.
I was touched by his offer, and the warm feeling I had when he pronounced all my problems correct didn’t have anything to do with pride, but everything to do with the way his fingers brushed against mine as he handed the piece of paper back to me. Could he be Jo-C-rox? Could he?
Uh-oh. Principal Gupta is ready to see me now.
Tuesday, October 28, Algebra
Principal Gupta is way concerned about my mental health.
“Mia, are you really so unhappy here at Albert Einstein?”
I d
idn’t want to hurt her feelings or anything, so I said no. I mean, the truth is, it probably wouldn’t matter what school somebody stuck me in. I will always be a five-foot-nine freak with no breasts, no matter where I go.
Then Principal Gupta said something surprising: “I only ask because last night during your interview, you said you weren’t popular.”
I wasn’t quite sure where she was going with this. So I just said, “Well, I’m not,” with a shrug.
“That isn’t true,” Principal Gupta said. “Everyone in the school knows who you are.”
I still didn’t want her to feel bad, like it was her fault I’m a biological sport, so I explained very gently, “Yes, but that’s only because I’m a princess. Before that, I was pretty much invisible.”
Principal Gupta said, “That simply isn’t true.”
But all I could think was, How would you even know? You aren’t out there. You don’t know what it’s like.
And then I felt even worse for her, because she is so obviously living in principal fantasy world.
“Perhaps,” Principal Gupta said, “if you took part in more extracurricular activities, you’d feel a better sense of belonging.”
This caused my jaw to drop.
“Principal Gupta,” I couldn’t help exclaiming. “I am barely passing Algebra. All of my free time is spent attending review sessions so that I can scrape by with a D.”
“Well,” Principal Gupta said, “I am aware of that—“
“Also, after my review sessions, I have princess lessons with my grandmother, so that when I go to Genovia in December for my introduction to the people I will one day rule, I do not make a complete idiot of myself, like I did last night on TV.”