Survey Ship

by Marion Zimmer Bradley

  “Oh, you do, unless you’re careful,” Teague said. “You have to do it with a safety net clipped on, or one of you could crack your head against the wall and get a concussion. But it’s fun. Free-fall is fun, Ching, only you have to learn to relax, to go with the flow, be willing not to be in control all the time. Just let it happen. Just surrender to it.”

  Although he had spoken gently and without any personal emphasis, Ching felt her cheeks flushing with heat, aware that she had still the horror of losing control, surrendering — whether in free-fall or in sex. She said, trembling, “I don’t want to be afraid of free-fall. Teach me to like it, Teague, the way you do.”

  “I will,” he promised, “Later today. But sleep now, Ching. We have a lot to do — and everything should be verified and the final course corrections made before we leave the Solar System.”

  “We still have three days,” Ching murmured. “Anything could happen in that time.”

  Curled against Teague, she slept.

  “Did you find anything in the DeMag tie-ins?” Moira asked.

  Ching stretched, wriggling free of the computer module. “So far, nothing. There is absolutely no reason why the DeMag units should go on and off like that, and therefore, going by pure logic, they should stay on unless they are turned off, and stay off unless they are turned on.”

  “But the fact is that they don’t,” Moira said, “and it doesn’t make sense! Dammit, Ching, I like machinery to make sense, to do what it’s designed to do. When it starts acting temperamental, it’s no better than a man!”

  “Are all men really that bad, Moira?” Ching murmured.

  “All of them. No exceptions. Believe me.”

  “Well,” Ching said, with a wisp of a smile, “you should know.”

  Moira flung back her head and laughed. “I think you’ll do, Ching. I was beginning to think you were just too sweet and kind to be true, but that remark sounded quite normally catty!”

  Ching raised her straight brows, ironically. “Thank you, my dear. Coming from you, I’m sure that’s intended for a compliment!”

  They laughed together. Ching found herself wondering why, suddenly, Moira treated her as one of them. Was it, simply, that she had felt different, before this — and that Moira had been reacting to her, Ching’s, perceived difference, instead of any real difference? Did the fact that she was a G-N really make as much difference as she had always believed? If she had felt more like one of them, would they have treated her that way?

  Had her isolation been, somehow, of her own making?

  “I promised to meet Teague in the gym,” Ching said, moving past her, and Moira, suddenly frightened, caught at her arm to detain her. But what was she going to say? It was not as clear as a psychic warning, just a faint, strange unease. She tried to make a joke of it.

  “You should always keep a man waiting, just a little. Never let them be sure of you.”

  Ching laughed gently. “Is that the way you treat Ravi? I’d rather make Teague happy than unhappy, Moira.”

  “Yes, I suppose you would,” said Moira, with a strange bitterness. But again she touched Ching’s arm, as if to hold her back.

  “Ching — be careful.”

  “I will,” Ching promised, startled, and, seeing the troubled look in Moire’s green eyes, sensed that the other girl was distressed; though she didn’t know why. She hugged Moira, gently, and kissed her cheek. She had never felt close enough to either of the other women to do this before.

  “I will, Moira. Don’t worry,” she promised, and went. Moira stood looking after her for a little while, frowning, wishing she could identify the angry unease she telt. That damned gym, she thought with sudden violence, I wish the meteor had carried it right away off the Ship! Is any of us ever going to feel safe there again? Here I am dithering for no reason!

  Ravi found her in the main cabin, idly leafing through some music.

  “Are you going to the Bridge?”

  “In a minute,” she said absently. “It’s time to make the routine sail-trim.” She drew a deep breath. She enjoyed manipulating the sails to optimum light-pressure; since the meteor damage and the varying DeMag failures, and the terrifying failure of the computer, she felt a definite pleasure in something like the sails, which did exactly what she wanted them to do, exactly as she wanted them.

  When I was in primary division they called me manipulative. I suppose, when you come right down to it, I am.

  “The sails can wait a minute.” said Ravi firmly. “I have to talk to you, Moira. Why are you avoiding me?”

  “Don’t be silly, my dear,” Moira laughed, “I see you all the time, just as I do all the rest of us.”

  “You know what I mean.” He took her hand lightly in his; she started to pull it away, then sighed and let it lie in his; but so limp and passive that he knew she was simply avoiding an argument. Pulling her hand away would have been less offensive.

  “Why have you changed, Moira?” he asked, “We were happy for a few days, and then — then you turned me right off. Don’t you care at all about me?”

  She said, irritably, “Oh, Ravi, don’t. I’m your friend, and we agreed to keep it that way. I’m not ready for any kind of emotional, romantic relationship — I don’t think I ever will be. Most people believe as I do, that romance is a kind of mental aberration. We’ve got sex and we’ve got friendship, and if that’s not enough for you — well, I’m sorry, but I won’t be pressured into something I don’t want. If you’re horny, go and sleep with Fontana — now that Teague’s all wrapped up in Ching, she’s probably lonely and hard up for a man in her bed.”

  Ravi said quietly, “How can you be so cynical, Moira? Don’t you even know how much I care about you?”

  “I know,” she said languidly, “and nothing has ever bored me so much in my life.”

  Ravi recoiled as if she had struck him. But he resolved to make one further effort. Surely, if she understood, she would be less unkind.

  “Moira, I don’t know how to say this. Ever since — since before we left Earth, I’ve been looking — looking for something. Please don’t think I am foolish — it’s a kind of,” he hesitated, “a spiritual search, a longing for something greater than humanity, and I, I think I’ve found it. It’s what Peake and Jimson were groping toward, trying to find a kind of completion in each other. A fulfilment. I, I, I—” he was stammering in his urgency to communicate something of what he felt, “I’m trying to find the Cosmic, the universe, God if you like, and I am trying to find it, to worship God in you, Moira — do you see what I’m trying to say?”

  Moira stared at him, appalled, bored, angry, half tempted to puncture him with a flippant obscenity. Instead she said, in a flat hard voice, “I can only imagine that you are going insane, Ravi. Maybe you’ve been staring out the window too much. You’d better keep your eyes on the Navigation instruments, or it won’t take a computer failure to send us to nowhere. I never heard such rubbish in my life.”

  Ravi drew a sharp, shaking breath, wounded, and for a moment she hoped he would fling something insulting at her, give her a chance to justify her words. Instead he kept on looking at her, and finally said, almost inaudibly, “I suppose I can’t expect you to feel any other way. But I love you, Moira. Try and remember that.” He stood up and went out of the cabin.

  In the gym, Teague knelt and set the gravity to one-half of normal. “Does this bother you?” he asked.

  “N-no,” Ching said, “As long as there’s enough to know whether I’m right-side-up or upside-down.” Was that what he had meant by fighting to stay in control?

  “Here, try the springboard,” he said “Spring up in the air and somersault; and let me catch you in midair. I won’t let you fall, I promise you.”

  Hesitantly, Ching sprang up from the board, letting her narrow body spin free in a double somersault in midair; felt Teague’s arms clasp around her and they spun the length of the gym in a single soaring leap.

  After a few more maneuvers, feeling th
at Ching seemed somehow less frightened, Teague went back to the controls.

  “All the way off, this time?”

  She looked at him, scared and yet exhilarated, given confidence by his own ease in midair. Then she nodded, laughing a little, breathless. “I don’t think I could be afraid of anything when you were with me, Teague.”

  With a decisive movement, Teague turned the controls all the way to OFF, felt himself float upward and made a bound to catch Ching as she drifted free. She laughed again, clasping him in her arms, letting him soar with her the full length of the gym, giving herself over to the strange, empty, falling sensation.

  “You’re right, Teague, it is fun when you don’t try to fight it!” She slid from his arms, soaring free, spinning dizzily around the room, her laughter still high and breathless as she leaped toward the ceiling, flew downward. He bounded after her as she took off like a swallow, arms folded, soaring.

  Teague felt the sudden, hard jolt, put out a hand to save himself; came down on one wrist, feeling agony tearing through the tendons as the wrist let go; clasped it, with a cry of pain, fighting to recover his balance; the movement ripped lightnings of renewed pain through his arm as he ran, but too late. Ching fell like a stone, striking head-first, and lay still.

  Peake was on the Bridge with a silent, sullen Ravi, doing the painstaking work of triangulation from four points of reference to work out the Ship’s precise position; a necessary, daily ordeal until they could absolutely trust the computers again.

  “I hope Ching gets that finished before we leave the Solar System,” Ravi muttered.

  “There’s no way she could do that. Not if she worked round the clock,” Peake said, “and she’s been virtually doing that; she stops for meals and a two-hour exercise period and the daily music session, and the rest of the time she’s been wedged inside the computer module, where for all I know she’s tearing the infernal thing to pieces! She estimated another ten days when I asked her, and that’s assuming she can keep up that murderous routine without her health or morale suffering.”

  “She’s not in the computer now, is she?”

  Peake shook his head. “I think she’s probably sleeping; she and Fontana were sorting some music, some fairly archaic duets they wanted to try singing. Or she and Teague may have gone off to their cabins for a bit of rest and recreation — so to speak. And they’re certainly entitled, the way they’ve been working to repair everything.”

  “I wish I could do something to help,” Ravi said, “but inside the computer I’d be about as much help as a snowball inside a nuclear reactor. ”

  Peake looked at the small, dark man with sympathy. He said, “I know, I hate feeling helpless. I do feel they should have sent a second computer technician; if I had been making the decisions, I’d probably never send a crew smaller than ten. It would make the trip easier on all of us, too. But as things are, we simply have to do what we can in our own fields, and let the others do theirs. At that, I suspect that if Ching picks someone to teach, in order to have a backup computer technician, you’ll probably be the one. You’re a natural mathematician — and on top of that, you’re physically small enough to fit into the computer module. I understand that makes a difference.”

  “So Ching said,” Ravi agreed, “and I admit I’d be interested. There was a time, when we started choosing specialties, that I considered computer work. But having started with navigation and astronomy, I felt that meteorology and oceanography would be more useful; two specialties for in space, two for any planet we were surveying.”

  “That’s what they usually recommend,” Peake said. “I wish there had been a Navigation first specialist, though. When I think of all the trouble they would have saved if they had added another four people to the crew. Another navigator. Another computer tech. At least. Maybe another medic. Perhaps another engineer.”

  “I don’t understand why they didn’t,” Ravi said, “and of course well never know. I’d have been glad to have Mei Mel, or Fly, or even Jimson…”

  “It wouldn’t have bothered you, Ravi? To have both of us?”

  Ravi shook his head. He said, “No, certainly not. I liked Jimson, though he was a little — well, unpredictable. No more so, certainly, than Moira, though.” And pain moved suddenly in him again. He did not believe that what he felt for Moira was a neurotic obsession. He simply wanted to love her, cherish her, treat her as the other half of himself, to love her as his own soul, the female part of his humanity. She had so completely misunderstood him. He did not want to possess her; if she desired other men she was free to have them, he did not want in any way to narrow her horizons, but only to help her expand them to cosmic limits. And she had rejected this, rejected it entirely. He loved her no less for the rejection; it still seemed to him that in loving Moira he had learned more about love, about the secrets of awareness locked at the heart of life; only now it seemed to him that instead of God’s self being centered somewhere in the great, eternal, infinite vastness of stars out there beyond the window of the Bridge, he was somehow linked to that cosmic pulsing, and that its echo was here within the focus of the Ship, that it was in his comrades here. It was within Moira, within himself, within all of the others, and even Peake’s craggy face seemed infinitely beautiful to him, infinitely worthy of love and even worship. He knew that if he carried this even a little further it would dissolve into sentiment and self-pity, but now he looked at Peake and felt, with an overflow of pure and unsentimental emotion, that he would give his life for him, or for any of them, and that he would not even notice the difference. As long as one of them lived he would continue to survive as part of the cosmic unity he felt flowing among them all. Even the pain and regret he felt because Moira had refused his love was irrelevant; he had somehow moved to a point where pain and pleasure were irrelevant and interchangeable. He would love Moira, he would continue to pour out his love upon her, as upon God, uncaring whether she accepted it, or even knew about it; his mistake had been in telling her about it, the love was no less because she did not return it. Describing the position of the Ship among the stars, entering it formally in the log, he felt somehow that he had described his relationship to God with the numbers.

  This new state of mind was so unexpected, so much a strangeness, that he actually stopped a moment to wonder, Am I going insane, is this exultation only insanity’s dangerous leading edge of euphoria? Maybe I should talk to Fontana about it. And yet he was functioning perfectly well, his mathematical calculations were impeccable — for Peake, duplicating his work on the calculator, had validated them to the last decimal place — he was making accurate observations, his body performed exactly as well as he told it to, he was eating normally, digesting his food, and playing music with the others, not going off on some ecstatic trip of his own. His pulse, respiration, color perception, blood pressure, and urine were all normal, or so Peake had pronounced them at the regular three-day medical checkups. He reacted well to normal gravity, to partial gravity and to free-fall. Therefore he assumed he was physically and mentally normal, in an abnormal emotional state.

  Maybe abnormality is in the mind of the Beholder?

  Even the feeling that I partake of God does not give me any delusions of omnipotence. I personally am a very small and helpless part; but I perceive myself as a very real part, partaking in the Whole. I do not feel dwarfed by the immensity of Space, but enlarged; I am part of the Whole, and the Whole is part of me.

  And this religious consciousness does not make me less sane, but saner, if functioning is any criterion of sanity.

  He even felt hungry, and said so.

  “It’s dinner time fairly soon,” Peake said, yawning, Twenty minutes standard, more or less. Teague said he was going to begin synthesizing carbohydrate, fairly soon, I’ll probably miss having normal rice and wheat grains, won’t you?”

  “I doubt if I’ll be able to tell the difference,” Ravi admitted. “Where I’m concerned, a carbohydrate is a carbohydrate, and the shape doesn’t matt
er. I never could understand the tribes who starved to death rather than eat wheat when rice was their preferred staple, or eat rice when wheat was scarce or unavailable.”

  Peake’s smile was wry. “Maybe that’s why we survived instead of dying, man. I survived one famine year when I was about five, and as I remember, I ate anything I could cram into my mouth without worrying what it was. ! still get the nightmare about that, sometimes. Hungry, and no food anywhere. Then I remember being tested for the Academy, and at first all it meant to me was, never hungry no more. That’s what my uncle said to me when he took me there… hey, look, we’re not supposed to talk about the past, are we?”

  “I don’t think it does any of us any harm,” Ravi said gently. “Come on, Peake, we’re finished here. Let’s go down to the main cabin…”

  He broke off, for the intercom had leaped into sudden life.

  “Peake, Peake,” it said, “Peake, Peake, anybody, anybody down here — Peake, Fontana, somebody, come quick, there’s been an accident, oh, come help, somebody—”

  “Teague!” It was like an expletive; Peake was out of his seat within seconds. Ravi said urgently into the intercom, “Teague, where are you? Are you hurt?”

  “In the gym. Damn DeMags…”

  Peake cut him off. “I’m on my way. Ravi, go back to the main cabin and get my medical kit — I’ll go straight there, I could save some time—”

  But in the entry to the free-fall corridor outside the gym he bumped into Fontana, and she had his medical bag in her hand, “I heard Teague on the intercom and I knew you’d need this,” she said. “Hurry, Peake!”

  He pushed through the sphincter lock ahead of her: took in Teague, kneeling over Ghing; noted the limp dangle of one hand, dismissed it to fumble quickly for a pulse in Ching’s limp wrist. Yes, it was there, feeble but definite. There was a small blue bruise on her temple, bloodless.