by Taylor Marsh
Let’s face it, when it comes to sex, this is where men live, in their heads. They fill out the girl they think you are before they get to know you. Another regular liked to call the lines after his wife went to bed. He giggled when I first asked if he was married or single, confessing that his wife was upstairs at the moment. He got off on getting off while his wife lay sleeping and completely clueless about his sexual excursions in the dead of night. Naughty boy.
There was a type of caller who would signal quickly that he was simply calling to talk. One of these, a man named Mike, would call to talk about his wife taking his daughter away from him. It was an ugly divorce, where she was going for custody of his little girl, and it was killing him. Mike might have had another issue altogether that helped bring him to tears when he called, but I talked to him several times that week, and he was clearly overwrought.
Talking dirty to men who are strangers on a sex phone line could also turn creepy, and I burned out quickly on being able to handle the harder core stuff. The sheer volume of the calls was mind-blowing. What it meant that all those men were calling over and over again, along with a nonstop supply of newcomers, staggered my perceptions. Coming on top of everything else I had learned, phone sex was the last course in my sexual education, outside my own life.
So when I woke up on September 11, 2001, it wouldn’t have taken much for me to walk away and take a long, hot shower from the stuff that was starting to clog my brain.
Our sexual vitality and how we express it is a vital element of a woman’s power. How it’s received and accepted can vary. Men who are uncomfortable with women having the same freedoms as they do have used terms such as aggressive, emasculating, ball-busting and all sorts of other derogatory descriptions. There is no doubt that the Pill, coupled with the modern feminist revolution, changed the male-dominated status quo. But for those of us who are lucky to have experienced liberated males, we also know there is a great relief and even gratitude coming from our mate at having equal partners, who are recognized as sexual beings. But accepting women as equals, including sexually, hasn’t been an easy road. It has come in a combination of lurches and backtracks for American society’s traditional structure.
It begins with understanding that when men duck out and disassociate from their hot-blooded sexual partners by choosing outside sources of gratification, the loss is incalculable for both parties, especially when frequency and level of intimacy are sacrificed. A decrease in sexual interaction in marriage may be normal to some people, but to the hundreds of men and women to whom I’ve spoken over a ten-year period, as confirmed by the sexual education I’ve had over my lifetime, I’d say we’d all be a lot better off if we started rejecting other people’s definition of normal. That measurement has changed significantly in the modern, sexualized era, with more rewrites required, as needed.
The Pfizer Global Better Sex Survey, completed in March 2006, is the largest global survey of its type, utilizing telephone interviews with 12,588 women and men, age twenty-five to seventy-four in twenty-seven countries. The study’s stated goal was to measure levels of sexual satisfaction and learn about couples’ unmet sexual needs around the world. Pfizer, of course, makes Viagra, so the company has a commercial interest in the subject, but the study, conducted by Harris Interactive, adhered to strict scientific standards in its research. The first thing that was confirmed was that “all aspects of sex are very important to both men and women.” This is basically what the Kinsey Reports revealed in 1953, which brought the conservative right, starting with the esteemed Rev. Billy Graham, down on Alfred Kinsey’s head. As recently as 2006, researchers were still finding it important to make the point that women and men held sex equally important, no matter their age.
The age issue is critical, because in American society it’s seen as gross to hear or have a discussion about older women and men being sexually active. There is almost a cultural lust for media reports and storylines that celebrate hot, young passion. That two people over fifty would be using erotic movies, sex toys and fashion to excite one another has been traditionally seen as unseemly. Sex once was thought to be unimportant for women over fifty, which is likely why so many men over fifty were starting second families. But today, people over fifty are sexually active in all sorts of non-traditional ways that were never made public in my mother’s generation, when women became matrons, while men found mistresses. That’s over.
Sometimes we forget that things like depression and even our level of irritability, not to be confused with fierce bitch, rise in inverse proportion to the amount of sexual activity we have in our lives. There are innumerable studies from which to pull data proving that having sex releases a whole host of friendly chemicals through our bodies that have the potential to boost our immune systems, not to mention our moods. Some women experience euphoria after orgasm, which can trigger a contagion of positive after-effects.
The daily grind of our lives is reason enough to work harder at making sex an integral part of our reality, just like working out at the gym. When single, there are more hurdles to making it regular, especially if you’re busy and not in a relationship. However, that doesn’t mean you cannot enjoy at least half of what’s offered in a sexual exchange by having toys and other goodies around to make sure you remember what the fuss is all about. I say this as someone who spent most of her life single while sifting through men to find a great sex partner who could deliver his half of the equation by accepting me for who I am.
If you’re in a relationship, cohabitating or married, the excuse of being too busy for sex is as lazy as it is potentially destructive. Again, there is a lot of evidence that sexual intimacy is great for our overall health, boosts our level of productivity and makes us happier. It’s simply not a good decision to always prioritize two more hours of work over scheduling a date-night with your significant other. Part of that time must be spent on pleasure, the purely physical kind.
The Pfizer study also found that among women and men, “one-third indicated they are having ‘less than the right amount of sex,’” while 50% of the respondents — both women and men — say they are “very satisfied” with their sex lives.
One of the interesting findings in the Pfizer study was that among eleven advanced nations, including the United States, women actually topped men in thinking sex was important. Another profound result, however, shows that not all respondents are satisfied with their sex lives. In the United Sates, the survey showed 57% of women and 53% of men were very satisfied. Those numbers are significantly lower than in Brazil, where 58% of women said they were “very satisfied,” compared to 71% of men; or Mexico, where it was 78% for men and 71% for women. But U.S. sex partners are more satisfied, according to the survey, than those in Taiwan, where 27% of both women and men expressed satisfaction, or Italy, where sexual satisfaction hovered at just 19% for men and 18% for women.
“Erection hardness” was a common complaint, no matter the country tapped in Pfizer’s study. In France, 77% of men were “not fully satisfied with erection hardness,” compared with 72% of the women. In Great Britain, more women than men felt this way, 51–41%. In the U.S., it was 56% of women who were not fully satisfied with erection hardness, and 43% of men.
MensHealth.com reported on the Global Better Sex Survey, pointing out that “90% of men say that confidence in sexual ability is critical to having a strong, loving relationship.”
A brief blog post on Discover magazine’s website in April 2013 revealed something that should get everyone’s attention. Razib Khan reported on a special issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, from 2010 research, focusing on “Sexual Behavior in the United States: Results from a National Probability Sample of Men and Women Ages 14–94.” The sample was 2,936 men, 2,929 women. One part of the results from the abstract were as follows: “The proportion of adults who reported vaginal sex in the past year was highest among men ages 25–39 and for women ages 20–29, then progressively declined among older age groups.” The graph Kh
an provided from the study peaked for both genders at 25–29, from there looking like a downward ski slope, with women affected the most as we age, according to this study.
I’d like to think that more women are being satisfied outside vaginal sex and that the sexual life of American females is vibrating, so to speak, with expanding opportunities. There’s no doubt women masturbate, which is good for everyone. However, having covered women for more than twenty years, from relationships to politics and everything in between, the way women are depicted sexually as we age could use a sex-lift. Men can be sexy and powerful at once. With women still fighting for power equality, being sexy at the same time is confounding to cover for U.S. media, which puts women in an either/or position. That’s a loser for us.
The study also concludes that, “Masturbation was common throughout the lifespan and more common than partnered sexual activities during adolescence and older age (70+).” Sexual interest is compulsive when we’re young. As we get older, we change. Life can beat us down. We get busy, our jobs more demanding today. I wonder if it’s a coincidence that these statistics show up as more people are living happily alone. Of course, vaginal sex certainly doesn’t preclude masturbation. We also have to work harder at getting the kind of sex we want as we get older, and that can be the case inside or outside marriage. The effort’s worth it. Our health gets in the way of our sex lives, too, but we can do a lot to combat that, and we should.
I’m not a nutritionist, but I started on a health kick long before it was making news, way back in my late teens. It’s astounding to me that people don’t make a correlation between diet and quality of life, including their sex lives.
There’s a reason nutritionists talk about certain foods being aphrodisiacs. When you’re feeling lousy or have an illness, it’s not by chance that your libido takes a dive. Your energy skyrockets when you start and sustain a healthy diet and workout regimen. Talk to any nutritionist and she will tell you that proper nutrition is critical for hormone production and basic body balance. As you get older, these things become the backstop in maintaining your sexual energy and interests. Weight also has a great deal to do with health.
In the introduction to 7 Keys to Lifelong Sexual Vitality, written by Drs. Brian and Anna Maria Clement, the authors write something that is taken for granted far too much by your average Jill and Jack American: “Besides diet and exercise, nothing will naturally enhance your health throughout your life more than remaining sexually active. Healthy sex is one of nature’s most potent medicines.”
There’s no doubting that generalizing about sex is a mistake. As Drs. Clement write in their book, borrowing data from The Sexual Brain, by University of California, San Diego, biology professor Simon LeVay, “In India, many couples abstain from sexual activity after fifty years of age, particularly after a woman becomes a grandmother.”
How healthy this is for the woman is worth questioning, even if it’s considered culturally important to India. It may be “normal” there as well, but there’s no evidence I’ve been able to uncover that a woman in India over fifty is any different from any other woman hormonally. That is, her mind and body and life experience would benefit from throwing off the yoke of culture, and even religious traditions where they apply, and remaining sexually active, whether her family approves or not.
This is likely scandalous to even posit, because what business is it of mine what a grandmother in India does in her sexual life? I don’t have the power to shake the world’s grip on keeping women in their place in certain cultures, but as a chronicler of world politics and women’s freedoms, it’s of interest to me that we tear down these taboos about women as we age, debunk them thoroughly, especially where staying vibrant sexually is concerned. Men would benefit from it, too.
Another statistic in the Clements’ book: “In many South American countries, teenage girls are taught by their mothers how to simultaneously remain ‘virgins’ and satisfy sexual desires by engaging in heterosexual anal intercourse, rather than vaginal penetration, until they marry.” It’s preposterous to argue that anal sex can help a teenager sustain her virginity, which I’ve run across in other research as well. If this doesn’t give you a taste of the tortured cultural roles girls and women are forced into accepting, nothing will. Virginity prioritized over the health and safety of the girl is a human rights offense. Ignoring it doesn’t change that fact.
America has its own cultural deviances, too — like promoting abstinence without also providing people with the facts on the powers of sexual desire and the condoms to use when overwhelming urges hit. A healthier society would arm people with tools to protect themselves when their own humanity rears its passion in the face of the best intentions. That would mean free condoms for everyone, including those who shouldn’t be using them yet.
It’s not immoral to be sexually active as a teenager. What’s immoral is to think that acting on impulse, which impacts society and is all of our business, doesn’t come with personal responsibility. It’s moral to accept that sexual education and reproductive health information are not just private, family matters. This responsibility to inform and protect is equally shared between people and their community.
It’s not like underage people aren’t sexually aware. The modern era is sexually charged, no matter how you’re brought up, as Sexy Baby taught everyone who saw it and didn’t know already. Information is the only offensive weapon, and it should come from people who know the world of relationships and sex and can help others navigate it, so as not to be drowned by it.
There’s no escaping the porn-style visuals that inflame men’s senses and impact the way women are perceived in our society, all of which filters down to our lives in one way or another. We can talk about it with our girlfriends, but it can also impact the way our lovers see us, unless we reject that as our only role and educate them otherwise.
There’s also a healthy challenge to see through it all, so we don’t allow ourselves to settle for less. But that’s up to each of us to decide, too. What are we going to accept? The answer to that goes all the way down to our very basic sexual satisfaction. Instead of living up to the Victoria’s Secret standard, we must define our own version of it. What’s your sexy? That’s the ultimate question. Because a good man doesn’t want a carbon copy of someone else’s idea of a healthy, sensual woman. If he’s attracted to you, or if you’re seeking to attract the right guy, he wants to see your authentic sexuality and how you carry it every day.
How you react to the barrage coming at you is the whole romantic ballgame. Your choices make your life.
4
My Year in Smut — No Fifty Shades
The website Amsterdaminfo.com offers a good place to start, introducing the city’s famous Red Light District this way: “Amsterdam prides itself, and rightly so, on its wholly liberal and tolerant attitude, embracing the fact that people may be into prostitution, soft drugs and pornography — and this is only human.” Unlike Hollanders, though, Americans remain very provincial about sex and soft drugs, specifically marijuana, and it’s not helping anyone. It’s why states and cities are finally going their own way on marijuana. If Americans were a little less uptight, we might have a lot more happy relationships and marriages. Today’s Internet and social media smorgasbord has thrown our puritanical propriety for a loop, which is evident everywhere you look.
The first interviews I did with legal prostitutes were in Amsterdam in the early 1990s. Sitting in a legal hash bar after meeting Red Light District prostitutes during their work hours and asking for interviews, I basically just let each girl talk and tell me her tale. Being a legal sex worker in Amsterdam meant health care for a woman, a regular shift, a boss, maybe even a child and a life, while she paid her taxes, too. That didn’t mean the banks wanted to lend her money to get a house, however.
Back in the early ’90s there was still a pickup zone, or tipple zone, as Amsterdaminfo labels it, which I witnessed from a cab. Cars would drive by, and prostitutes would enga
ge with customers. Some would get in, and they’d drive off. Those days are now gone.
Political correctness often smacks up against sexual liberation and being a feminist, especially when you get into excavating the collision of sex, dating and love through advice, phone sex and soft-core porn, which can get intense, the subject matter and propriety conflicting at all points. It’s better not to worry about what everyone might be thinking or saying, and just jump in.
G-spot shot anyone? Growing up I had a journal, and my g-spot wasn’t a topic I covered. Nobody knew anything about a g-spot where I lived. For all I knew, it hadn’t even been discovered yet.
Now there’s G-Spot Amplification or GSA, both of which have been trademarked and are patent pending by gynecologist David Matlock, who is helping women to feel more intense orgasms. His website, thegshot.com, claims, “In a pilot study, 87% of women surveyed after receiving the G-Shot reported enhanced sexual arousal/gratification.” The site advises that “results may vary,” which is probably the truest statement of all. “Feel the rush” is the goal.
The needle used by one gynecologist for the g-spot shot was shown on TLC’s Plastic Wives, which reveals the truth about a lot of plastic surgery. Physical enhancements come with varying degrees of discomfort. Whether it’s worth it is in the eye of the reconstructed. Beyond just beauty, it’s now about pleasure, too, but in the business of porn, it’s always about making money.
The first porn-type film I saw was in an independent theater. At least, it’s what I considered porn at the time. Last Tango in Paris was forbidden fruit in St. Louis, Missouri. I had a crush on a guy ten years older than me who wasn’t quite sure about me, probably because he wasn’t stupid and knew I didn’t sleep with anyone. After the film, we went back to his place where he invited me to lie next to him, then literally begged me to touch him. How clueless are some guys anyway? But considering this was the year of Deep Throat, I guess I should be thankful the guy didn’t force himself on me, then say I’d asked for it by going to the movie in the first place.