Pure Hearts

by Jeannine Allison

  “Yeah, I…” She blew out a breath before walking to one of the front desks and taking a seat. I walked around and took the seat next to hers. “I wanted to apologize for what Nicholas said last week. I came out and you were gone. He wouldn’t tell me the particulars, but I can only imagine—”

  “Catherine.” I reached out and grabbed her hand. “Please don’t apologize. I’m sorry I walked out. It was rude, and you’ve been nothing but kind and courteous to me. I shouldn’t have done that to you.”

  “Oh, I don’t want you apologizing either, dear.”

  I chuckled. Weren’t we a scene? Two women asking for forgiveness when it should have been someone else doling out apologies.

  “You don’t need to say sorry for Nick either. I’m not mad or offended. But I also respect myself enough not to be spoken to that way. I hold no ill feelings toward either of you. Someday, when Nick gets his head out of his butt, it’d be nice to see you guys regularly.”

  Catherine turned in her chair and grabbed one of my hands, wrapping it in both of hers. “Oh, I’d love that. And he will. He just… this has messed with him.”

  I nodded. I understood that, but like Catherine had said weeks ago, he wasn’t a child. Eventually he had to accept his situation and rise above it.

  “Well, as soon as he figures out I don’t want anything from you guys maybe we’ll have that chance.”

  “I’ve told you his father left when he was a kid, and his ex…” She frowned at the mention before shaking it off. “He’ll see you’re not like Colleen.”

  “Colleen?” I asked.

  She waved her hand, almost like she hadn’t meant to say it. “It’s not my story to tell.”

  “And you’re sure Nick will want to tell me?”

  “Someday he will.” She stood up and shouldered her purse. “I know it may not seem like it, but he needs someone like you. I know you both thought I was pushing you together for romantic reasons, but that wasn’t it—well, that wasn’t only it,” she added with a smirk.

  “I could see you balancing each other well. He needs some light and color in his life. And as much as I hate to admit it, people like you and me need cynics like him. Nick may be wrong about you, but he has been right about a few other people I tried to bring into our lives.” She paused, looking sad and a little lost. “He doesn’t want to see the bad. He’s just seen it too many times to ignore it.”

  “I understand.”

  Catherine nodded and walked toward the door. “Please remember that. I know my son. He’ll apologize. It might take a little time and it might be hard for him…”

  “I promise I’ll be civil.”

  She chuckled. “Oh, I know you will, dear. I don’t think you’re capable of anything else. I’m just hoping for something a little bit more than civil.”

  I was speechless as she winked and walked out the door.

  “Dammit!” I shouted, throwing the charred meat and the pan into the sink. The waitress who had been clearing her tray jumped, causing the glass tumbler she had yet to remove to fall to the floor and shatter. She started while I was still healing, so this was the first shift I’d worked with her.

  I had never been a social butterfly. I mostly kept to myself at work, nothing beyond the occasional laugh if I overheard something funny. But I was never outwardly angry either.

  “Hey, Amanda,” Kevin said as he walked up to us. “Why don’t you go help Lindsay set up the bar?”

  She quickly nodded, bolting before I could apologize. Even though it was a Friday, lunch had been slow. The other chefs were lingering, hoping to hear the boss reprimand me. Because Kevin would. He may have been my best friend, but that didn’t mean I got away with stuff. It was the same way for Lindsay.

  Luckily Kevin was a fair boss, only offering constructive criticism and never belittling you. Today was a bit different. He turned around and snapped at them. “Back to work.”

  “There’re no orders,” Aaron said, waving his hand toward the ticket holder—my lonely ticket was the only one on there. Aaron was in his mid-fifties, and ironically he wasn’t one of the ones trying to catch some gossip. He was a good guy, and like me, he kept to himself. He came in, did his job, and then went home to his husband and kids.

  “When was the last time the refrigerators had a good, deep clean? Was it—?”

  Kevin didn’t get the second question out before the guys were scrambling. Suddenly they all found things to do, except Aaron. He didn’t mind hard work, even if there were ulterior motives to Kevin’s question. Aaron did what was asked of him, no questions, no complaining.

  “Aaron, do you mind finishing up that order while I talk to Nick?” My boss slapped me on the back.

  “Sure, not a problem.” Aaron immediately started working, fixing my mistake.

  I was half a second from flinging Kevin’s hand off me when he hissed, “Move,” and gave me a little shove toward the back door. I expected him to tear into me the second the door shut, but he surprised me. Kevin calmly walked to the end of the alley before turning to face me. His lips were set in a firm line and his brows furrowed as his gaze roamed over my face. After a minute or two of me impassively staring back, he sighed.

  “What’s up?”

  “What do you mean?”

  Kevin raised his eyebrows. “Don’t do that shit. That was the third dish you screwed up today.”

  I cringed. It was actually the fourth. Standing up straighter, I said, “I’ll pay for—”

  He literally growled this time. “Cut the shit, Nick. I don’t care about the money. I care about you.” He frowned. “Is it the surgery? Do you need more time—?”

  “No.” I exhaled loudly and ran a hand through my hair. “No, it’s nothing like that. I don’t know…”

  But that was a lie. I knew exactly what was wrong.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about Iris and how I spoke to her. She hadn’t deserved it. She wasn’t the reason I was in a funk. Truthfully, I’d been a dick to her from the beginning out of fear. Not fear that she was the same, but fear that she was different. That she might be someone who was true to her word.

  Most people said fear came from the unknown, and I suppose some did. But fear also came from knowing. And I knew she would be the one who would call me out on my shit and make me reevaluate my life.

  That was why she was constantly on my mind. It wasn’t her momentary anger that had me down, it was the look in her eyes. The steel. The strength.

  How did she do it?

  I shook my head. It didn’t really matter how. She deserved an apology regardless.

  “I gotta go,” I said, turning and walking away from Kevin, who shouted at my back. “I’ll call you later.” I absentmindedly waved at him before jogging to my car.

  After climbing in, I sat there for a second, trying to think of another solution. But apart from calling the hospital and asking the staff to violate HIPAA policy, there was only one way to get what I needed.

  Biting the bullet, I picked up my cell phone and dialed her number. My ma answered immediately.

  “Hello?” She sounded a bit out of breath.

  “Hey.”

  “Nicky! Hi, dear. This is a pleasant surprise.” Her voice was high-pitched and a bit nervous. Before I could question her odd behavior, she plowed ahead. “Is everything okay? How was your first day back at work?”

  I rubbed the back of my neck. I didn’t think I was going to be able to get the words out. “Eh, it could have been better. I messed up a few dishes.”

  “That’s not like you. Are you feeling okay? Is it—?” I cut her off the second her voice started to reach a panicked shrill.

  “I’m fine. It’s nothing to do with the surgery or accident. Nothing like that. It’s kinda… well it’s just in my head, really.”

  She paused. “What’s wrong?”

  Scrubbing my hand down my face, I decided to get it over with it. “I think I need to talk to Iris. Clear the air. You wouldn’t happen to have her address, w
ould you?” I held my breath.

  “Of course. Give me a minute.” I could hear the blinding smile in her voice, even as she tried to tamp down her excitement.

  I chuckled. “I’m not fooled by your tone. You’ve been playing matchmaker from day one.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she practically sang. The words were smug, like she was talking to a little kid. “I’ll go grab it.”

  With a sigh, I leaned my head back against the seat as I heard her put the phone down. My eyes were closed when I heard her say, “He’s calling about Iris.”

  At that, they shot open. Who was she talking to? My ma didn’t date and she hardly had any friends. I always felt guilty, but she’d said she preferred it that way. And when I grew up and moved out, and she stayed the same, I figured that had been the truth.

  She giggled at something the other person said.

  I pulled the phone back; maybe I’d fallen asleep and was imagining things. Nope, I was still on the phone with my mother… who giggled.

  “Nick? I have it—”

  “Who’s there?” I interrupted before I could think better of it.

  “What?”

  “I heard you talking to someone… who was it? Is a guy over?”

  Great, I sounded like her dad lecturing her about boys…

  Her voice lowered. “Yes, I have a guest over. And yes, he happens to be male. Is that so inconceivable?”

  I winced at the embarrassment in her voice. “No, Ma. Of course not. I didn’t mean it that way.”

  She easily dropped her defenses. “I know. Touchy subject, I suppose.”

  “I really didn’t mean anything by it. I was just surprised. You never had many friends, even after I left…” I cringed again. My jaw was awfully sore from all the time my foot spent in my mouth.

  “I know,” she whispered. “It wasn’t because I didn’t want any. I guess I was so comfortable in my loneliness that I didn’t even realize I was lonely.” She paused, and I could imagine her shaking her head. “I don’t know if that makes any sense.”

  “It does,” I assured her. It was easy to get into a routine, to think you were happy, when you were really just content. My mind drifted to Iris… Iris who always seemed happy, who had a smile for everyone. I wondered if part of Ma breaking out of her shell was because of Iris.

  Just another thing you owe her… my cynical mind added. But I was starting to think maybe she really didn’t have an ulterior motive. It’d been nearly two months since the surgery, four since we met, and not a single thing seemed suspicious.

  “I really like him.”

  I took a deep breath, reminding myself that however hard it was for me, my ma deserved this. I just had to make sure whoever this guy was deserved her. But one crisis at a time. “Then I’m happy for you.”

  She let out a breath of relief. I didn’t think she’d stop seeing him if I had a problem, just like I didn’t stop seeing Colleen when my ma wasn’t convinced she was for me, but we always liked to have each other’s backs. We always wanted to support one another.

  We finished the phone call after she gave me the address and I told her I wanted to meet this guy soon. I was in slightly better spirits as I drove to Iris’s house.

  I just hope she’ll accept my apology.

  I arrived twenty minutes later, about half an hour past six. She lived in exactly the kind of place I would imagine. In the suburbs, with her house situated at the top of a cul-de-sac, looking immaculate.

  Pulling to a stop, my gaze ran across her wraparound porch. She had a cushioned bench beside her door and flower beds running along the walk to her front door.

  Before I could psych myself out, I unfolded myself from the car. Then I opened the door to the backseat and grabbed the flowers I’d picked up on the way over. My long legs carried me up to her door in no time. I glanced down at my slightly sweaty palms, feeling ridiculous.

  What was I nervous about? It wasn’t like she was going to slam the door in my face or something.

  But then I realized that almost made it worse. When someone was exceedingly nice to you after you’d been nothing but a dick, it made you feel even shittier.

  I took a deep breath, and before I could obsess about it any more, I raised my fist and knocked.

  Iris opened the door with a bright smile. I watched it falter when our gazes clashed. Honestly, I expected it to drop completely, but I kept forgetting we weren’t the same. She would still try.

  “Nick,” she said, surprise lacing her tone. “What are you doing here?” Her tone was the epitome of polite, like she hadn’t told me, essentially, to go fuck myself the last time we spoke.

  “I wanted to apologize,” I blurted out as her eyes traveled to the orange chrysanthemums in my hands.

  Iris’s eyes flared slightly and her smile slipped a degree or two. They were subtle changes that I wouldn’t have caught if I hadn’t been staring at her so intently. She almost seemed stunned silent.

  “Can I come in?” I asked.

  She glanced over her shoulder. Panicking, and thinking I was losing my chance, I quickly reached out and grabbed her hand. Iris startled and looked back at me, her eyes wider than ever. She shook off the expression before smiling again. Then she opened the door all the way and welcomed me in.

  Letting go of her hand was harder than I’d expected. Once I did, I followed her into the main part of the house.

  “Are those for me?” Iris asked, pointing to my hand.

  “Oh, yeah. The florist said tulips were great apology flowers. But I don’t know…” I shrugged. “I liked these.”

  She gave me a huge grin as she took them to the kitchen and began filling a vase with water. “Chrysanthemums are my favorite,” she admitted.

  I laughed. “No shit?”

  “Ask anyone.” Iris placed the flowers on the counter by the window before turning back toward me. “Would you like something to drink?”

  “No, I’m good.”

  “Okay.”

  My gaze wandered around her house as I took a seat at her table. It was nice. The windows were large and the curtains drawn back, letting in the natural light. Her furniture was all white, but there were splashes of color everywhere. The blood red pillows, the baby blue vases spread through the family room, the yellow and green cutlery I could see on her drying rack near the sink. Her house was just like her; simple and unassuming, yet bright and impossible to ignore.

  I turned back toward Iris. Grabbing the back of my neck, I stared at the floor, trying to figure out what to say. Apologizing wasn’t my strong suit. And even with my guilt, I wasn’t sure I’d been completely wrong. I didn’t think I had to apologize for not immediately trusting a stranger.

  She grabbed a mug on the counter before coming and sitting across from me.

  “Do I get my apology now?”

  “What?”

  “You came over to apologize?”

  “Yeah, but…” I waved my hand at the vase. “I brought flowers.”

  See? I sucked at apologizing. Colleen only really needed roses or jewelry when I pissed her off.

  Iris smiled, and I imagined it was the exact smile she gave her second-graders, bemused and patient. She nodded toward the vase. “The chrysanthemums are lovely, but I also like words. I don’t believe in holding grudges. I believe in forgiveness. But that doesn’t mean I hand it out for free. So, the floor’s yours…” She lifted her drink to her mouth and finished it.

  I laughed. Genuinely laughed.

  I didn’t always understand her.

  But somehow I’d come to like her.

  And I’d hurt her.

  My smile fell with that thought.

  I leaned forward, outstretching my arms and asking for her hands. She was surprised, but she willingly placed them in mine. Looking at our joined hands, I ran my thumbs over her knuckles and thought about what to say.

  “This is a fairly little thing, especially since we don’t know each other all that well… you prob
ably only need a few words,” she joked, sensing how uneasy I was.

  I smiled to myself. She was teaching me how to apologize. How ridiculous was that? And what did it say about her that she was trying to make me more comfortable? I’d never met someone who tilted my world upside down as much as she did. I didn’t know right from left, up from down, and suddenly everything I’d thought was true was being questioned. I wasn’t sure I knew how to live in this world Iris was creating.

  It should’ve terrified me. I guess part of it did, which was why I’d resisted for so long. But now I couldn’t help but want more. More of her, more understanding, just… more.

  With a deep breath, I looked up and locked eyes with her. “I made judgments based on things from my past that had absolutely nothing to do with you. I know it doesn’t erase what I said or the fact that it hurt you. But it had nothing to do with who you are, which I know you know. You’re kind and sweet and nice, and maybe that was what made it so hard to believe. I’ve never met someone so… good. I’m not used to it.” I cleared my throat and broke our stare, the connection becoming too much. “But I want to be. I want to get used to it. Used to you.” I stared down at our hands before cursing myself for my cowardice and gazing back up into her eyes.

  “I’m truly sorry, Iris. Will you forgive me?”

  She scrunched up her face in deliberation. Then she started moving her head from side to side, and I cracked a smile right before she said, “Hmmm, apology accepted… I guess.”

  Just like that. Somehow she made me work for it while also making it feel effortless. I wondered if I’d ever figure this girl out. We were smiling at each other when I realized I’d done what I came to do, and my continued presence was most likely awkward for her.

  “I should probably get going,” I said as I broke our connection and stood up. She grabbed her mug and headed to the sink while I walked toward the door.

  “Oh! And—” I spun around, expecting her to still be in the kitchen, surprised to find her right behind me, as she ran into me from my abrupt turn. “My bad.” Steadying her with my hands on her shoulders, I chuckled. “Man, you move fast… and quietly.”