Pure Hearts

by Jeannine Allison

  “You don’t.” She shrugged, like it was easy. Maybe it was. “It’ll always be a part of you. You’ll remember the lesson it taught you, and you can be wary in the future. I’m not saying to trust everyone and everything. I’m just saying maybe think of those experiences as the exceptions, not the rules. Don’t use your tragedies as a lens to see by; use them more like a rearview mirror. Just a reminder of what’s behind you.” Iris looked out the window absentmindedly.

  “My brother used to think I should be mad at the world. He thought I should walk around like the world owed me something because of the unfortunate circumstances of my childhood.”

  I wanted to reach out and grab her hand, to offer her comfort, but I curled my hand into a fist and restrained myself. She turned and stared at me closely, and I imagined she was trying to see the wound—or wounds—from my past. “You’re mad about something, right?” Iris spoke after a beat or two of silence.

  I nodded. She gave me her kidney; I could at least give her the truth. Or parts of it anyway.

  “What about Catherine?”

  “What about her?” I asked.

  “She’s wonderful. And not many people have someone like your mother. I’ve seen tons of kids who don’t have anything close to Catherine. Why not be grateful for her? Why not focus on that?” I didn’t know what to say, but she continued, like she knew I wouldn’t have a response.

  “This works however you want it to, Nick. You decide how much weight you give to these things. You, no one else. I decided a long time ago that instead of being sad about what almost broke me, I’d be grateful for what saved me. I look at the Chamberlains and all they do, and they’re my reason. Not necessarily them as people, but what they stand for. How they helped me when they didn’t have to, cared for me when others were scared to. I could have taken my pain and let that shape my narrative. I could have let bitter anger be the thing that fueled me. But I didn’t. I made helping people the thing my heart beats for.” She shrugged, almost embarrassed. And I realized she probably was. She probably encountered assholes like me all the time. People who gave her shit simply for caring. It broke my heart that she seemed to be bracing herself for a negative reaction.

  Why had I looked at this woman and her kindness as the weird thing in this world? Why was malevolence expected and generosity abnormal? What kind of world did we live in where those were the standards?

  She picked up the fork and took another bite, pink touching her cheeks as she most likely recalled our flirty conversation from minutes ago. When she noticed me staring, she swallowed and grinned, trying to shake off the tense atmosphere.

  “So, what are you gonna find? What is the thing you’re gonna live for? What little slice of this world are you gonna steal and call your own? What is your heart going to beat for?” Iris asked, most likely expecting a goofy answer.

  But I just stared at her, stunned into silence. My eyes traveled around her house as I tried to catch up with my thoughts and feelings.

  Sensing she’d put me on the spot, she said, “It’s just something to think about.”

  Yeah, that and about a million other things…

  And when the word finally came to me, I couldn’t say it. At least not to her. Because I was beginning to think that the thing I was going to live for, the thing my heart would beat for, and the thing worth finding… I’d already found.

  She was standing right in front of me.

  This isn’t some preteen movie where there’s butterflies and sparks.

  I’d been wrong when I said that to Aster a couple months ago. Because I was feeling them now. They didn’t happen right away, considering Nick had been so stubborn in showing me who he really was. But now that I saw it, there was no way to tamp down the butterflies.

  It was true what they said. People became more attractive once you got to know them. And since I’d always found Nick to be good-looking, I was especially enamored now that he’d warmed up to me. I was sure the dimples didn’t hurt. Before he had kept them in a steel vault, but now it seemed he was throwing them my way every chance he got, like he knew they were my weakness.

  As Nick was leaving last night, he asked if he could come to the fair today. I told him he didn’t have to but he insisted. More than that, he actually seemed like he wanted to be there. Part of me thought it was a bad idea. I was afraid I’d lose focus with him there. But realistically it didn’t matter—Nick was all I had been thinking about, whether he was present or not.

  I was digging around in the trunk while Nick finished talking to his mom, whom he’d been on the phone with when I pulled up a few minutes ago.

  “Okay, well have fun, Ma,” Nick said as he met me at the back where I had most of the stuff already taken out. He hung up and looked down at his phone for a couple seconds. I placed my hand on his arm to get his attention, but even when I had his eyes on me I left it there, enjoying the warmth of his skin.

  “Is everything all right?”

  He frowned, looking extremely confused and honestly, adorable. “My mother has a date tonight.”

  “Really?” Nick arched an eyebrow at my squeal, but I didn’t care. I wrapped my hand more firmly around his forearm and asked him again, “Really?”

  “Yeah.”

  He didn’t sound happy about it. He’d mentioned his mom was talking to someone, but he didn’t know who and at the time they were just friends.

  “What’s wrong? Is the guy a jerk?” I honestly couldn’t imagine Catherine going out with anyone who wasn’t a complete saint.

  “No, it’s… Dr. Moore.”

  “The ER doctor?” Nick nodded and shifted his gaze back to his phone. “That’s wonderful! Isn’t it?”

  “I guess… it’s just… she’s never dated before. I can’t even remember a time she went on a single date.”

  I grabbed the last few things out of the trunk while he continued deliberating. “Maybe she thought it’d be weird for you. You’re not a kid anymore so she can afford to think about herself a little more.”

  He slowly lifted his head. “Yeah, I guess. She sounded a bit nervous, but I’m happy for her. I am.”

  I smiled. “Are you sure? It sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself more than me.” The last word was more of a grunt as I slammed the trunk shut and moved to lift the large cooler.

  “Woah, woah. I’ll get that.” Nick rushed forward and took it from my hands. I watched him for a minute as he trekked across the lawn, my eyes invariably drawn to his butt. He wore jeans well and I literally had to shake my head to clear it. I reached down and grabbed two of the bags before trailing after him.

  Don’t look at his butt. I don’t care if it’s perfect. You’re at your job right now… with children.

  Luckily I pulled my eyes up in time. My stare met the back of his head right before he stopped and turned around by the entrance. With the cooler still in his hands, he nodded his head for me to lead the way.

  The fair was taking place in the cafeteria, located in the center of the school. Not a long trek, but I was suddenly grateful Nick was here to help me lug all this stuff in. It had been hard enough when I was putting it in my car this morning.

  Once we found the table, he told me to start setting it up while he brought everything else in. I laid a tablecloth with the Italian flag on it over the long table before grabbing the paper plates and plastic silverware.

  Twenty minutes later, after everything was set up, I turned toward Nick and smiled. “Thanks again for all your help, I really appreciate it.”

  “No problem. So what’s the game plan?”

  “You’re sure you want to stay?” I double-checked.

  Nick shifted around. “I do. Is that weird?”

  “No, not at all. I just wanted to make sure. I’d love for you to stay.”

  “You won’t get in trouble?”

  I waved off his concern. “Nah. A few of the other teachers have their husbands with them so…” I trailed off, blushing, when I realized the implication.
“Not that—” I cut myself off before there was a repeat performance of our implied blow job conversation from last night. He grinned, obviously thinking the same thing. When he opened his mouth, I held up my hand.

  “Remember, we’re in a school.” I laughed as he quickly shut his mouth and gazed around, looking guilty for whatever he had been thinking.

  “I feel that way too,” I assured him.

  “What way?”

  My thoughts drifted to his jeans and how he looked in them. “Like I can’t think about anything other than education. Students tend to think we have no lives outside of school. They probably think we sleep here. And the older kids definitely think we’re asexual. After a while it kind of feels wrong to think about anything else.”

  Nick grinned and leaned forward. “And what wrong thoughts have you been having, Ms. Chamberlain?”

  I tried. I really did. But I couldn’t help the way my eyes dropped to the front of his jeans. My face felt like it literally caught on fire. I quickly averted my gaze. Unfortunately I made the mistake of looking into his eyes. Eyes that were heated and hungry. Nick’s mouth dropped open, almost like he was as surprised as I was. Doubtful.

  Clearing my throat and fiddling with the silverware, I attempted to redirect… everything, by answering his original question.

  “No, it won’t be a problem. The principal loves me, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind making an exception.” He was silent but I didn’t dare look at him. Instead I busied myself by fixing things that were completely fine and going over the game plan.

  “So the kids will arrive in about thirty minutes. I’ll go back to my classroom to meet them and after a few words all six second-grade classrooms will congregate in here. The children will sit in front of that stage.” I paused, pointing to the other end of the cafeteria where several rows of chairs were set up. “Three classes will present in the morning, then we break for lunch. They’ll come back here and visit all the tables, grabbing some food and learning more about the other countries. Then after lunch the last three classes will present.” I took a deep breath before finally looking up at him. “Does that sound good?” I asked, my gaze tangling with his.

  He nodded and I was relieved when the atmosphere returned to normal.

  My thoughts, however, stayed as immoral as ever.

  Don’t.

  That was the one-word mantra I had to keep repeating to myself as Iris moved around the room. Every sway of her hips drew my eyes to her ass and every burst of laughter had me grinning like an idiot.

  Iris walked up to me as her class finished presenting, the last of the day. “So, what’d you think?”

  “I think you’re amazing,” I said, not thinking, just going with the first thing that came to mind. It was true, but it probably wasn’t what she meant.

  Her wide smile slipped into something softer, more intimate. “Thanks,” she said softly. “For everything. Even though I couldn’t hang out with you as much as I would have liked, I really enjoyed having you here.” I wondered if she knew those words made me feel ten feet tall.

  Taking a deep breath, I worked up the courage to do what I’d been thinking about all day.

  “Do you wanna come over to my place tonight? I thought I could cook us dinner?” My hands were now shoved in my pockets so she couldn’t see how my fists had clenched waiting for her response. This girl was seriously tying me up in knots.

  She’d just opened her mouth to respond when a woman I hadn’t seen yet came up to us. “Oh, Iris. Everything was wonderful. I had Mr. Andrews sneak me some of the food, and yours was sensational… absolutely delicious.”

  “Thank you.” Iris turned to me and placed her hand on my arm. “Nick actually cooked the food. He’s a chef.”

  I was floored by the amount of pride in her voice.

  “Ohh… well, it was wonderful.” The woman looked me up and down, a sly grin on her face. “I’m Judy Ward. I teach fifth grade. I volunteered to help out the second-grade teachers with the cleanup.”

  I nodded. Iris and I got here early with two other second-grade teachers for the setup, and there were a few teachers from other grades who volunteered to help. She told me the remaining half were responsible for the cleanup along with other volunteers. That way the second-grade teachers didn’t have to do everything.

  “Yes, it was very nice of you.” Iris smiled, but I saw a slight crack in it. Between that and the flex of her fingers, I knew it took a lot for her to stay cordial to this woman.

  “Unfortunately I just got a call and I don’t think I can stay.” Judy pouted, and I had to force myself not to roll my eyes. “You wouldn’t mind covering for me, would you?” She didn’t wait for an answer before typing out a response on her phone with a laugh. When she looked up, she didn’t even spare Iris a glance; instead her eyes locked on mine.

  “So, Nick… would you like to get dinner sometime?” Judy asked.

  Iris’s hand jerked against my arm before she pulled it away. I frowned down at the place where it had been. Without thinking, I turned toward Iris, following the warmth she brought and was now taking away.

  “Nick.” My head jerked back to Judy.

  Oops. I guess I forgot about her.

  And judging by the annoyed, pinched look on her face, she knew it.

  “Sorry, Judy. I’m unavailable.” I made sure to shift my gaze to Iris. Her smile exploded, and damn, that smile did things to me. Distractedly, I glanced back to Judy. “And Iris actually can’t cover for you tonight. We have plans.”

  I wrapped my arm around Iris’s shoulders and steered her toward the exit. Raising a hand, I called back, “And thanks for volunteering to help so Iris could bug out early.” A soft chuckle drew my gaze down. “Too much?” I asked once we were outside, my arm still in place.

  “No. Just right. She’s a bitc—” Iris cut herself off, but I caught it. Stumbling back, eyes wide and lips tipped up into a shocked grin, I stared down at her.

  “Iris…”

  “Rose,” she supplied her middle name with a smile.

  “Iris Rose—wait, Rose, really? That seems more than coincidental…” She told me about her mother’s obsession with flowers, but what were the chances of finding a kid with a first and middle name to match how she named her other children?

  “I didn’t have a middle name. Mom gave it to me when I was adopted.”

  I squeezed her shoulder. “Okay, I’ll buy it.”

  “Oh, thank God.” She brought her hand up to her forehead. “Now I’ll be able to sleep tonight.”

  We both chuckled, neither of us saying anything as we continued walking, my arm still around her shoulders. And at some point our footsteps slowed, prolonging our time together.

  Shaking my head, I said, “I still can’t believe you swore.”

  “Almost swore,” she corrected with a finger in the air.

  “I feel like there’s a bigger story there.”

  On an exhale, she responded, “She used to date Aster, my brother.”

  “Bad breakup?”

  Iris scoffed. “That’s an understatement. I can’t believe she’d hit on my—” She abruptly stopped, her eyes flying to mine. I waited, brows raised. “My friend.”

  I let her off the hook and we walked in companionable silence to our cars. When we got to hers, I paused with my hand on the driver door. I pulled back, the door still shut. “Can I ask you something?”

  Iris blinked back her surprise. “Sure.”

  “If I hadn’t been there, would you have stayed for her?”

  She looked down, shuffling on her feet a bit. When her gaze met mine she seemed ashamed. “Maybe.” She winced as she said it.

  “I know you’re not a pushover, so why would you let her walk all over you?” I asked. “Especially if you don’t like her.”

  With an exhale, she slumped against the door. “I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I just think about how it will be helping and I say yes.” She shrugged. “I know sometimes
I may be helping someone who doesn’t deserve it. But I guess I’d rather be like that than not helping someone because I thought they were lying and I turned out to be wrong. Does that make sense?”

  “Yeah, it does.” I stood in awe for what felt like the hundredth time.

  “And yes,” she said.

  “Huh?”

  “I’d love to have dinner.” Her eyes lit up with an idea. “I’ll meet you at your place. I’m going to bring a surprise.”

  This wasn’t an official date. I knew that when I asked her over. I knew that as I set my kitchen table with the two long candlesticks I’d swore I’d never use. And I knew that as I quickly ran back to my room and changed my shirt. But somewhere in my mind I must have decided it was a date. Or a pre-date? Maybe a rehearsal date?

  Because when Iris showed up five minutes ago telling me that my ma and Dr. Moore were on their way over, I felt unreasonably annoyed.

  “Why would you invite my mother and her date over?”

  “Well you said she was feeling nervous—I thought some friendly faces might help.” She shrugged, looking a bit chagrined. “Do you really dislike him that much?”

  “Who?” My brows bunched. Her confused expression matched mine.

  “Dr. Moore?”

  “Oh.” I cleared my throat and tugged on the collar of my shirt before walking back into the kitchen. “No, it’s not that—”

  I was cut off by three soft knocks. Now I was thanking God for my mother’s arrival. I had zero way of explaining that blunder away.

  Iris turned to answer the door, while I returned to the stove to finish the meal.

  “Hello, dear,” I heard my ma chirp as Iris ushered them inside.

  “Dr. Moore, good to see you again.” I could hear the grin in her voice.

  “Please, call me Trevor,” he responded just as my mother came to stand beside me.

  “Hey, Ma.”

  She wrapped an arm around me and leaned her head on my shoulder. “Thank you for inviting us over,” she whispered. “Iris told me that you knew how anxious I was about my date and wanted to make sure I was comfortable.” Ma squeezed me. “I really appreciate it, Nicky.”