Dedication
For my father and for his boy, Finn
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Annabelle
Chapter 5
Annabelle
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Annabelle
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Annabelle
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Annabelle
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Annabelle
Chapter 25
Annabelle
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Annabelle
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
P.S. Insights, Interviews & More . . .*
About the Author
About the Book
Praise for the Work of Annie England Noblin
Also by Annie England Noblin
Copyright
About the Publisher
Prologue
ANNABELLE WATCHED THE LITTLE GIRL IN THE FRONT yard, smiled at the clumsy way she bent down to tie the laces of her yellow Batman high-tops. She was tall for her age, ten years old, and her dark hair fell unkempt around her face. On the front porch, a woman stood holding a plastic tray full of hot dogs. She too smiled at the girl as she placed the tray on a brightly painted picnic table.
“Mae, honey, go inside and brush your hair before the party starts,” the woman said.
The girl turned her back to the street and to Annabelle, but she could hear the girl say, “These earrings are making my ears itchy.”
“For goodness’ sakes,” the woman replied. She brushed the girl’s hair away from her face. “I told you that you have to clean them every day. How long have you been wearing these cheap things?”
The girl’s shoulders heaved up and down in that way only a child’s can when they have an answer that won’t be good enough for their mother. “They match my shoes” was all she said.
“It’s nice you want to match your brother’s party theme,” the woman continued, clicking her tongue against her teeth and working the earrings out of Mae’s ears, causing Mae to wince. “But was it really necessary to dress in yellow and black from head to toe?”
Again, Mae shrugged.
“Go on inside,” the woman said. “Hurry it up, or we’ll all be having cake and ice cream without you.”
Mae ran past the woman and up the front steps of the house, lingering just long enough to stick her tongue out at the woman’s back before disappearing inside. Unable to stop herself, Annabelle let out a laugh, and the woman in the front yard paused to scan the car-lined street.
Annabelle slid farther down into the driver’s seat of her Volkswagen Beetle as the woman surveyed the neighborhood. She hadn’t meant to loiter there, not really. She hadn’t meant to drive down the cozy tree-lined Seattle street or park just far enough away to escape being noticed. No, all she’d meant to do was visit the yarn warehouse on the south side of town and pick up her order. All she’d meant to do was follow the rules of the document she’d signed—no contact, and certainly not any borderline stalking—and return home.
It was as if she’d willed herself there, as if her hands had a mind of their own, straying from the ten-and-two position to make more left turns than she should have made, to park on a street she should have forgotten. If anyone asked her how she got there, she’d have to tell them she honestly didn’t know. She really hadn’t known that there would be a birthday party in the front yard. She’d just wanted a look, just a small glimpse, before heading home.
Of course, she’d been to this lovely house on the quiet cul-de-sac before. If Annabelle closed her eyes, she could remember every single detail of the way the house had looked over a decade ago, a sprawling executive ranch without the freshly painted front porch or new vinyl siding. She remembered thinking, when she’d been welcomed inside, that it looked like the kind of place a kid could play hide-and-seek in for hours and not run out of hiding spots. The owners, June and Michael Stephens, welcomed her with open arms and her favorite meal—chili dogs. At the time, it had been the only thing she’d wanted to eat for several months. That night, she’d eaten four.
After dinner, June showed Annabelle the rest of the house, showed her the clean bathrooms and the sunny laundry room and the finished basement that had one of those large-screen projection television sets. This was the kind of house Annabelle saw on television sitcoms. It was the kind of house that hosted family gatherings at Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was the kind of house, Annabelle thought, where a person could feel safe. It was a far cry from the house she’d grown up in, with its dingy carpet and flaking wood paneling. In fact, it was a far cry from everything she’d ever known. Most important, it was a far cry from the people she’d known.
June left for last the room where she hoped her daughter would one day sleep. As Annabelle wandered around the room, fingering the ballerina lamp and the pink-and-white gingham curtains, she could feel June’s eyes on her. She wasn’t looking at her the way some of the women did—with jealousy or pity or, worse, disgust. No, June was looking at her with what Annabelle could only describe as something akin to longing. Once in a while, June would reach down and touch her own belly, as if there was an ache—a hunger—that she couldn’t cure with a chili dog.
As Annabelle put on her coat to leave, she knew that she was supposed to say how nice it was to meet them and that she’d have someone from the Catholic Charities home where she was staying call the Stephenses to follow up. Instead, she put on her mittens, red wool that she’d knit herself, and took June Stephens by the hand.
“I choose you,” Annabelle said to her. “I choose you to adopt my baby.”
Chapter 1
THERE’S THIS LINE FROM BRIDGET JONES’S DIARY BY Helen Fielding that goes something like, “Oh God, what’s wrong with me? Why does nothing ever work out?”
That’s all I could think the moment I saw a grainy video of my boyfriend, Mariners left fielder Derek Mitchell, sucking the face off another woman in a dodgy nightclub playing on Channel 33 Action News at 6 o’clock for all of the greater Seattle metro area to see.
I don’t know where the quote from Bridget Jones’s Diary came from. I hadn’t read the book in nearly twenty years—not since the summer before my freshman year in college when I was on a mission to lose half my body weight and also my virginity. Neither worked out, and I have to admit that I blamed Ms. Fielding just a little bit for writing a book in which I imagined myself, Maeve Stephens, the actual heroine, not-so-patiently waiting for her Mark Darcy.
“Oh my God,” my coworker Alyssa said, hovering over me to press the refresh button on the computer. “Is that . . . ?”
“Derek?” I finished. “Yep.”
“Who’s the . . .”
“Whore?”
“I was going to say ‘skinny bitch,’ but I guess ‘whore’ will work.”
I pushed myself away from my computer, disgusted. I had no way of knowing if the woman Derek
was with was a whore or a bitch, and I felt guilty that calling her both of those things made me feel better. But it did, and I made a mental note to self-deprecate for betraying feminism the next time I saw my friends. I thought about calling him, but he was likely getting plenty of calls already. Instead, I stood up and continued cleaning out my desk. An hour before the video, I’d found out that the newspaper I worked for as a sportswriter, the Seattle Lantern, was bankrupt. They weren’t going bankrupt. They weren’t facing bankruptcy. They were already bankrupt, and we found out at 4:55 p.m. that we had the evening to clear our desks. Tomorrow, the paper and our jobs would cease to exist.
This was total bullshit. I was thirty-six years old, out of a job, and had just been publicly humiliated. The only thing I could do was hope that my parents hadn’t seen the video. When I heard my phone ring in my pocket as I was walking toward my car, carrying a box full of the last two years of my life, I knew it was my mother.
I set the box down in the parking lot and answered. “Hi, Mom.”
“Darling, are you okay? Your father and I just saw. Your aunt Jolee called us. We went to the YouTube and found it.”
Oh great. YouTube. “I saw it.”
“I never liked him,” my mother continued. “Didn’t I tell you I didn’t like him?”
“No.”
“Yes, I did.”
“Mom,” I said. “You told me last week that you hoped we got engaged and had adorable, baseball-playing babies.”
“Softball would have been okay too,” she said, sniffing into the receiver.
“I’ll call you when I get home,” I replied. I just didn’t have the energy to tell her about the paper closing. She and my father would insist I come over, and all I really wanted to do was spend the next millennium curled up in my bed with my laptop and every season of The Office on Netflix.
“Okay,” my mother said. “Be careful.”
I hung up the phone and bent down to pick up my box. When I straightened, there was a man standing in front of me. He was wearing a dingy Mariners cap (of course) and a grim expression. “Give me all your money,” he said.
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me,” I replied. “Are you seriously robbing me right now?”
The man, who was also holding a small switchblade in one of his hands, was taken aback. “Ah, well, yes?”
“Great.” I dropped the box back onto the pavement. It bounced once and then toppled over on its side, spilling paper clips and flash drives out onto the man’s feet. “My day is complete now,” I said, pulling my purse from one of my shoulders and handing it to him. “I just lost my job an hour ago, and my boyfriend was caught making out with someone who was most definitely not me. They played it on the news. You see it?”
The man’s eyes widened as he took the purse from my outstretched hand. “You’re Derek Mitchell’s girlfriend?”
“I was Derek Mitchell’s girlfriend,” I replied. “He doesn’t know it yet, but we’re so over.”
The man brought the switchblade up to his scruffy chin and scratched. “You’re that sportswriter, huh?”
“I was that sportswriter.”
“You know,” he said, riffling through my purse and pulling out all the cash I had inside my wallet, a whopping $32.11. “I thought you’d be prettier in person.”
Everybody’s a critic.
“Are you kidding me?” I asked.
“Are you kidding me?” He held up the money. “This is all you got?”
I shrugged. “You can take the credit cards, but you won’t get very far. Most of them are at their limit.”
The man threw my purse on the ground, disgusted. “I ain’t stupid. I just want the cash.”
“Well, that’s all I’ve got,” I said. I looked down at his knife and briefly thought about running. I could probably get away from him, but in this neighborhood, in the dark, I wouldn’t get very far. “Can I go now?”
He took a step back from me, his ratty Chuck Taylors scraping the blacktop. “Close your eyes and count to a hundred. I’ll be watchin’ you. Then get into your car and drive away. Don’t call the cops.”
“I won’t,” I said. I closed my eyes and listened for him to leave, hoping he would take my word for it about my credit cards. It was a mostly true statement, but I did have one card that belonged to my mother. He could have gotten to Guatemala on that one.
“Count!” he yelled from a distance.
“I was counting in my head!” I yelled back. “Fifteen . . . sixteen . . . seventeen . . .”
“Don’t forget to break up with Derek!” he continued. “Me and my buddies all think you’re bad luck!”
* * *
I rent a 640-square-foot loft on the sixth floor in the Crossroads district of Seattle. It’s small, which makes it easy to keep clean, and I never have to worry about people asking to stay with me. My parents, who live in the suburbs, don’t understand my need to live inside the heart of the city, and neither does my younger brother, Eli. My parents have always enjoyed their roomy ranch-style house, and in the summertime, we took trips to national parks and went camping and kayaking. I loved it growing up, but now I leave nature to them and to my brother, and I stay in the city as much as possible.
When I moved into this apartment five years ago, my mother got me one of those herb gardens for my window ledge. I tried to keep it alive, but I kept forgetting to water it. The thing died within a week. I’m not exactly the best at keeping anything other than myself alive, and sometimes even that’s a struggle. The thought of actually having to be responsible for another life scares the shit out of me, so I keep my interaction with animals limited to trips to the zoo with my niece, Rowan, and my nephew, Theo.
The minute I was inside my apartment and had locked the door, I went to my wine rack and picked out a bottle. Tonight I wasn’t even going to bother with a glass. I’d ignored no fewer than twelve phone calls on my way home and twice as many texts. Everyone, it seemed, had seen the news video. Honestly, the things that are considered news nowadays when legitimate newspapers like the Lantern can’t even stay in business are infuriating. How was my love life a story?
Of course I knew the answer.
Derek was somewhat of a celebrity, and a newly minted one at that. We’d started dating last baseball season when he was brought up from the minors. I’d been sent out to do a story on him, and we went out for drinks afterward. Two pitchers of Bud Light later, and I was back at his place. It was the first time I’d ever dated the subject of one of my stories, but I thought Derek was worth it. He was funny and sexy, and he never bought me anything like an herb garden.
It wasn’t long before Mariners fans started to notice him—mainly for his ability to play, but the way he looked in that uniform sure didn’t hurt him any. I enjoyed being his girlfriend. We got invited places I never could have gotten invited to on my own. I got inside stories about athletes I never could have gotten on my own. I got box seats I never could have gotten on my own. I admit, our relationship was probably a little superficial, but we had fun together.
Now baseball season was over, and it seemed like he was having an awful lot of fun with someone else.
Halfway into my bottle of wine, my phone rang again. Figuring it was my mother, poised to scold me for not calling, I picked it up. When I saw that it was Derek, I considered going out onto my balcony and throwing my phone into the bushes.
“Hello?”
“Maeve, hi.”
“What do you want, Derek?” I asked. I took another swig of wine.
He sighed. “So you’ve seen it, then?”
“Everybody’s seen it.”
“I’m sorry, Mae,” he said. I could just picture him running one of his hands through his thick chestnut-colored hair. God, I loved his hair. “I swear I didn’t know anyone saw us.”
“That’s what you’re sorry about?” I asked, setting the bottle down and standing up. “You’re sorry you got caught?”
“I’ve been meaning to tell you.”
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I closed my eyes and willed myself not to press the end call button. “So it wasn’t just a onetime thing with some random girl you met at a club?” I asked, verbalizing the silent hope I’d been cultivating since the drive home.
“Her name is Genevieve,” Derek replied. “We met during spring training.”
“I don’t want to know her name!” I said. “I was with you during spring training, remember? When would you have met her?”
“She’s a sportswriter too,” he said. “In Florida.”
“Oh my God.” Suddenly I had a flash of memory. I’d seen her before. She was the one Alyssa and I made fun of because her press pass kept getting stuck in her cleavage whenever she bent over, and she bent over a lot. She’d interviewed Derek. Twice. “It’s been going on that long?” I asked.
“She’s moving here,” he said. “She’s already got a job at the Post.”
“That’s fantastic,” I said, biting at each syllable. “That’s just fantastic, Derek. Because I just lost my job today.”
“What happened?”
“The Lantern is bankrupt,” I replied. I was squeezing my phone so hard that my fingers were starting to cramp. “We all lost our jobs, but I’m so thrilled to hear that the woman you’ve been cheating on me with for almost our entire relationship has managed to procure a sportswriting job in my city.”
“It’s my city too.”
“It was my city first,” I spat. “You’re just some Midwestern shit kicker from Kansas.”
“I have never in my life kicked any shit.”
I sighed. “Goodbye, Derek.”
“Don’t be like that, Mae,” Derek wheedled. “I want us to end on good terms. I want us to be friends.”
“Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you cheated on me,” I replied. “You’re a pathetic excuse for a man. I hope you know that.”
“Fine,” he said. “Be a bitch. Have a nice life.”
“And your dick is tiny!” I screamed into the phone, even though he’d already hung up. It really wasn’t tiny. It was like everything else about Derek—just enough above average for people to notice.
I set my phone down on the coffee table and walked into the bedroom. I was almost glad that I didn’t have to go to work tomorrow. I wouldn’t have to acknowledge that I’d been publicly humiliated. I couldn’t imagine getting another job and being forced to cover a story about Derek.
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