With forced steps I headed in the direction of my car. At least there I could hide away.
Once inside, I rolled down the windows. I still wasn’t ready to drive. I hadn’t heard back from Max. I imagined that he was occupied with some beautiful woman. Really, it wasn’t fair of me to always demand his attention.
Chapter 14
I tried to call Max. I knew it wasn’t right, but I was scared of going home and bingeing. I needed to be around someone who actually thought I was worth showing up for. Of course he didn’t answer. His phone rang and rang. I heard the ring tone right outside the car. When I turned to look, Max was standing beside the open window with a bouquet of flowers.
“I’m sorry. I got your text and I wanted to bring you something special.” He gazed into my eyes with such warmth that the tears began to flow.
Max opened the door and opened his arms to me. I leaned out of the driver’s seat to hug him. He held me so close that I thought for sure he would be exhausted by my weight and my sobs. Instead he continued to hold me. “I’m so sorry, Sammy, I’m so sorry.” He kissed the top of my head. “You can’t let this get to you. You’re an amazing woman. You deserve so much, and this is not it.” His voice shuddered.
I pulled back enough to look at him. The tears in his eyes shocked me. Did he really care so deeply for me that he couldn’t stop his own tears?
“I’m sorry, Max, I’m a mess.”
He offered me a tissue. “You’re not a mess. This is a mess.” He sighed.
I wiped at my eyes with the tissue and tried to calm down. “I just really thought he’d be here.” My voice cracked as more tears threatened.
“He should have been.”
“But he wasn’t.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He hugged me again.
“Do you think you could drive me home?” I sniffled. “I just don’t want to drive like this.”
“No.” Max shook his head.
I was hit in the gut again. Was Max rejecting me too?
“I’m not going to let you go home and hide away. You look gorgeous.” He swept his gaze over the outfit I’d chosen. “You planned for a night out and you’re going to have one.”
“Oh, Max, no.” I frowned. “I’m really not up for it.”
“I’m really not giving you a choice.” He held his hand out to me.
When I looked from the flawless skin of his palm to the heat in his eyes my emotions collided once more. There he was, the perfect man. The man I had been in love with for years. He was always there for me, no matter what. He supported me and comforted me. He was right there in front of me, making me love him even more. But I could never have him. Max was just too beautiful, just too perfect, to ever be with someone like me. I lowered my eyes and shook my head.
“I don’t want to, Max. I think I should just go home.”
“Nope, not having it.” He grabbed my hand and tugged me out of the car. “We’re going to go for a walk.”
My body crackled with electricity in reaction to his touch.
“Like this?” I shook my head. “I look ridiculous.”
“You look beautiful.” He tugged again.
I stood up. There was no point in arguing. I wouldn’t trade anything for time with Max. I took a deep breath of the air around us.
“I just don’t think it’s ever going to happen, Max. I don’t think the universe is going to align to deliver me the man of my dreams.”
“Do they come in the mail now?” He tilted his head to the side. “I didn’t realize.”
“Ha ha—you’re not going to cheer me up.”
“Oh, I don’t intend to.”
We started walking toward a path that led into a small garden.
“Good. Because I have a right to be grumpy and I’m going to be.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything else.” He winked at me.
I scowled at him. “How can you take this so lightly? He broke my heart!”
“Really?” Max gave my hand a little squeeze. “Because I think your heart is much stronger than that.”
“Nope, don’t think so.”
“Hm.” He glanced up at the tree we were walking past. “Look at that.” He pointed at a bird’s nest on one of the limbs. It had tiny little babies in it.
“Aw! Look how cute they are!” I cooed and gazed up at them.
“See, I told you. I don’t have to cheer you up. You find a reason to be happy pretty easily.”
“Oh, that’s your plan, huh?”
“I mean it. You’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for Sam. I’m sorry this happened—you have no idea how sorry I am. But don’t tell me that your heart is broken, because your heart is the strongest I’ve ever known.”
“You don’t have to say things like that.” I paused and turned to look right at him. “I’m sorry I’m always drawing you into my drama.”
“You’re not. I’m here because there’s nowhere else I want to be.”
I smiled. “I just wish that Blue felt that way.”
“I’m sure he does.”
“Right, because he’s here.”
“Some things are hard to understand.”
I looked at him with disbelief. “Why are you defending him?”
“I’m not.” He released my hand. I felt the absence of his touch as if it was oxygen leaving my lungs. “I’m sorry. You’re right.”
“Max, why are you so good to me?” I searched his eyes.
“Because I love you, Sammy.” He smiled at me.
“I love you too, Max.” I opened my arms for a hug. When he wrapped me up, I felt content. Even though I wanted so much to fall in love, I was grateful to have such an amazing friendship with Max.
Chapter 15
Max pulled away and I caught sight of his eyes. It was accidental, but I saw it. I saw the passion there. I stared at him as he turned away from me.
“Max?”
“Hm?”
“Are you seeing anyone right now?”
“Why?” He smiled a little.
“I just feel like we’re always talking about me and my dating life. I haven’t heard much about yours.”
“Oh you know, dates here and there.” He shrugged.
“No one you’re interested in?”
He licked his lips and glanced at me. Then he looked away again. “Not really.”
“Why do you think that is? I mean there can’t be something wrong with all of these women.”
Max shifted from one foot to the other. “What’s with the interrogation?”
“Forgive me for being curious.” I smiled sweetly at him.
“Curiosity can lead to some dangerous things.” He turned back to face me. I thought he would have a big smile on his face. Instead he looked a little nervous. “Are you willing to take that risk?” He met my eyes with such a serious expression that I couldn’t resist giggling.
“You’re too much, Max.”
He pursed his lips and shoved his hands into his pockets. “You didn’t answer the question.”
“There’s nothing dangerous about you.”
He abruptly wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me so close that the breath left my body. It was such a sudden shift in position that I couldn’t process it. Max’s body was pressed against mine from hip to chest and I thought for sure that he had to feel my heart, as hard as it was pounding. He met my eyes with a wicked smirk on his lips.
“Are you sure about that?”
All of the desire that I so carefully locked away to maintain our friendship came spilling out into every nerve of my body. I was bathed in my need for him. With his lips so close to mine the temptation to throw caution to the wind and just kiss him was so intense that I shivered. His eyes widened in reaction to me wriggling in his grasp. The smirk faded into a satisfied smile.
“See?” He winked at me.
“Max.”
“Sammy.” He leaned a little closer to me.
Good lord, was he trying to ki
ll me? I flushed and tried to even out my breathing. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself. I started to lift my chin to get the perfect angle for a kiss. Then I looked into his eyes. Max’s eyes. Not Blue’s. Not some random guy I was on a date with. The eyes that belonged to my best friend who had dropped everything to come to my aid. A man who had made it clear to me in the past that he was not interested in me in that particular way. Was it fair for me to try to steal a kiss when it wasn’t mine to take? Those soft lips belonged to another woman, one he hadn’t met yet, one who would spend the rest of her life kissing them.
“I should go.”
I untangled myself from his grasp. For just a second his muscles tensed as if he might hold on to me. Then his arm fell away.
“I’ll take you home.”
“No, it’s okay. You’re right. I’m stronger than I think. I’ll be fine. How could I not be, with you by my side?”
Max studied me for a moment. The way his eyes tightened and his jaw rippled made me think that he was about to speak, but instead he only nodded.
“Alright. I’m always here if you need me. Always.”
I believed him, but in that moment I needed to be as far away from him as possible. If I looked into his eyes a second longer, I was going to take what I wanted even if it meant losing our friendship.
As I walked away from Max, I felt in many ways as if I was walking away from Blue too. There was no question that I was in love with both men, but that didn’t matter. I couldn’t make either of them love me back—not the way that I wanted them to.
It was time for me to let love come to me as Anisa had advised. I couldn’t force it, I had to invite it. The first step was letting go of the love I had tried to possess for myself.
After I put the flowers Max gave me in water I poured a very tall glass of wine. I hadn’t had dinner, so I knew I was going to get tipsy. But that was okay. I didn’t have anywhere to go or anyone to please. I had every intention of maintaining a positive attitude.
I sat down at my computer and turned it on. Right away I saw an e-mail from Blue. Maybe he had sent it before dinner. Maybe there was an excuse. Maybe it was a good one. But I didn’t want to read it.
I deleted the e-mail. I felt strong and I was done waiting.
I logged in to MatchMe and began perusing my connections. Right away Ben sent me a note.
Are we on for that date?
I took a sip of my wine and stared at his photograph smiling at me. He was a handsome bigger guy. I liked the way his smile reached his eyes in the picture. More importantly, he had gone out of his way to make himself available to me.
Absolutely. You name the time and place and I’ll be there.
That started the ball rolling. It continued until my glass of wine was empty. By the time I turned off the computer I had a date lined up for just about every night the next week. It made me feel good in a way to know that I was wanted.
But as I gave in to the rumble in my stomach and put some dinner together for myself, I was still disappointed that I’d missed out on my chance to meet Blue. It occurred to me that I would always wonder about him.
Chapter 16
My first date with Ben brought back a little of my excitement in finding love. Being stood up by Blue still smarted, but I thought the best way to get over it was to dive right into the dating scene.
Ben had been eager to meet, so we set up a date for the next night. I liked that he was so willing to drop everything to see me. The restaurant he chose was a midpoint between our two homes. I’d never eaten there before and I looked forward to trying it out. It was being promoted as a whole food restaurant with lots of fresh choices.
I noticed Ben as soon as I parked. He stood near the front door. His fingers drummed awkwardly against the slope of his thigh. I was not instantly attracted to Ben. I wanted to be, but there was something about his mild demeanor that made him a little hard to pay attention to.
I ignored that. Attraction could grow as we got to know one another.
I walked up to him with a wide smile. “Ben?”
“Samantha!” He stared at me. “I didn’t think it was possible but you’re prettier than your picture.”
I could feel my face getting hot at the compliment. He was being kind, and to be honest, I needed to hear it after what had happened with Blue.
“Thank you. I’m so glad that we have the chance to get together.”
“Our table is waiting.” He opened the door. “Unless you’d rather eat somewhere else? We can go wherever you want.”
“No, this is perfect, thanks. I’ve been curious about this place.”
“Great.” He held the door open for me.
I mentally made a note that he was quite polite.
As we sat down at our table, he kept looking up at me. I smiled each time he did. I felt the need to put him at ease. Once we’d ordered our drinks, I decided to take the lead in the conversation. I knew what it was like to feel so nervous.
“So Ben, what do you like to do for fun?”
“I collect stamps. I know that’s boring. Who even does that any more? But I was raised by my grandfather, and it was our way of bonding. So I still do it—as a way to honor him.”
“I think that’s very sweet. There’s nothing wrong with collecting stamps. It’s interesting to think of all the places that they’ve been.”
“Yes, exactly!” Ben laughed. “I can’t believe you get it. Yes, it’s really not even about the stamp itself for me, it’s more about where it’s come from. My sister used to joke that I just needed to find a woman who liked to collect postcards—that we’d be a perfect match.”
“She has a point.” I grinned. “I’d love to see your collection some time.”
“Great.” He tapped the table lightly. “That’s great. So, Samantha, what do you do for fun?”
My mind filled with all of the activities I’d engaged in over the past few months. The list was too long. I didn’t want him to think that I was flighty.
“Well, as a writer, of course I really enjoy writing. But I also have gotten to know—I guess you could say my spiritual side.”
“Oh? That sounds interesting. Contemplating your navel?” He grinned.
“Not exactly.” I laughed. “But I have been trying to connect with myself—you know, who I really am.”
“How’s that going?”
We paused as we ordered our food, then Ben looked back at me. “Have you learned anything surprising about yourself?”
I smiled at the question. I hadn’t really thought about it before. “I think I’m much more daring than I ever knew. I have an adventurous side. I’ve been trained not to take risks, but I think at my core, I really enjoy it.”
“Wow! That would surprise me, because I don’t take any risks. Okay, actually the only risk I’ve taken is joining the dating site, and I only did that because my sister made me. I like things to be a certain way—expected, so that I can relax and just enjoy life.”
“That makes sense. You really have the chance to savor your experiences if they are predictable.”
“Predictable.” He cringed. “That’s probably a bad thing.”
“I don’t think so.” I shook my head. “Knowing what you want, achieving it, and living it—that’s all pretty amazing in my book.”
“You’re really easy to talk to, Samantha.”
“Thanks.”
As we shared our meal, I learned a little bit more about Ben. He wasn’t lying when he said he hadn’t taken any risks in life, but I admired that about him. I began to think he would never be able to handle my “live in the moment” lifestyle. By the time we’d finished our lunch, I wasn’t so sure that we’d be seeing one another again.
“Thanks, Ben. I had a nice time.” I smiled politely at him.
“I hope we can do it again soon. What do you think?” Ben’s hands trembled a little as he waited for my answer.
“Sure, I’d really like that.”
Why not?
&nbs
p; “When?”
“How about Tuesday? If you’re not busy?”
“No, not busy at all. To be honest, Samantha, you’re the only woman I’ve connected with from the site.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize.” I decided against telling him that I had gone on a matching binge. “But I’m glad you’re free. We could do dinner. How does that sound?”
“Perfect.” He nodded. “Wow. I didn’t think you’d say yes.”
I laughed. “Why not?”
“I don’t know. Most women don’t say yes.”
“Well, I’m glad they didn’t. That gives me the chance to say yes now.”
Ben and I shared a quick hug after we left the restaurant.
It felt strange to me to even think of kissing him. As much as I hated to admit it, Ben was right. I probably shouldn’t have said yes. I just didn’t feel any chemistry between us. But I wasn’t going to let that ruin our chance. Chemistry could come later.
Chapter 17
As I listed all of the positive aspects of meeting Ben in my head, I sent a text to Max.
Great date. Looking forward to seeing him again.
I smiled at being able to text that—no drama, no raw emotion, just contentment.
Max didn’t need to know that initially I might need to force myself not to see Ben as a brother figure rather than a love interest. I didn’t know what it was about him that made me want to be his buddy and not his girlfriend, but I planned to overcome that.
At home I headed straight for the computer. I wanted to add some depth to one of the scenes I’d been working on where my main character first encounters her love interest. I’d been stuck on how to get that connection going, but now I had a better idea of how it felt to interact at that first meeting.
On a whim I checked my e-mail first. My heart sank when I saw another e-mail from Blue. I’d not written him back since deleting his first two e-mails. This time I would read it. I wanted to know that he was okay.
The Date (Single Wide Female in Love #1) Page 5