by K. Sterling
“Ash! What’s wrong?” Ned’s hands closed around his face as he pushed him back. Ash felt the chair behind him and dropped into it. He reached for Ned as he tried to pull air into his body. Ned dropped to his knees and Ash felt Ned’s hand slide around his neck. “Ash, breathe! Relax!” His other arm wrapped around him and pulled him against his chest. Suddenly, everything within Ash released and air filled his lungs. He breathed deep, letting the air and Ned fill him. The room settled around him and his body came back in a rush. Ash shivered and squeezed his eyes shut. When he opened them, Ned was staring, concerned and confused. “What was that?” He asked softly. Ash reached for Ned’s hand and he sighed as their fingers twisted together.
“Terror, Ned.” He whispered. Ned’s lips pulled tight and his eyes searched his.
“Terror? That was one of the most beautiful and arousing moments of my life. How did you get terror out of that?” His head fell to the side and Ash couldn’t help it. He smiled. It was real and it reached his eyes and his heart. And Ned’s eyes. They lit up and for a moment they glistened. Ash leaned forward and pressed his forehead to Ned’s.
“I’ve wanted this, you, since the moment we first met at Eton. I’ve been afraid of doing something to give myself away for twenty years because I didn’t want to lose you. I would have kept going just as long as it meant that I could be near you. Then, it was happening and I wanted to do everything all at once.” He paused and searched Ned’s face for understanding. It was there, and tears were pooling in his eyes.
“None of that sounds terrible.” Ned smiled and pressed his lips to Ash’s briefly. Ash shook his head against Ned’s.
“No. All of it was perfect. Tomorrow was what did it. What if we’re just getting carried away and we go too far? What if you regret everything and I have to leave? I don’t want to lose you, Ned.” His voice broke again. This is why he hated to talk. He turned into a girl. Ned fell back and sat on his bottom. He pulled his knees up and rested his arms on them. Then, he laughed. For a moment, Ash hurt.
“Have you listened to anything I’ve said over the last half hour?” He asked incredulously. “Ash, I’ve put my life on hold, just so that I could be here whenever you wanted to visit. I live for this.” He gestured between them and hope bloomed inside Ash. Ned must have seen it. “I don’t want you to stay for a week or two. I don’t want you to leave. Ever. Every time you go, I fall apart, Ash. I pull myself together and I’m only good until you leave again. I’ve wanted you for as long as I can remember but I never even let myself imagine what it would be like because I didn’t think it would ever happen, and it would make it more painful.” He rubbed the back of his neck as he grimaced. This time Ash laughed.
“You’re smarter than I was, then. I’ve imagined a lot. And it’s been wildly painful.” Ash admitted wryly. He slid from the seat and settled on the floor. He stretched his legs so they rested outside of Ned’s but didn’t close the distance between them. He kicked his thigh playfully. “Can we take it slow for the first few days? Just until we’ve had a chance to get our minds around this?” He raised his brows hopefully. Ned shrugged.
“Certainly. I understand you have doubts and you might not be ready.” Ned looked serious for all of five seconds before he grinned. Ash kicked him harder.
“Don’t be a brat.” He grumbled. Ned laughed. It started as a little thing but quickly gained momentum until he hugged his middle and fell over onto his side. He kept laughing until he was out of breath. He looked up at Ash and grinned wickedly.
“This from the man that stormed off in a huff.” He teased. Ash narrowed his eyes as he turned and settled on his back next to Ned.
“I’ve never done anything in a huff in my life.” He argued. Ned pressed their palms together and angled his head so it rested against Ash’s.
“A snit, then.” He offered.
“Definitely not a snit.” Ash stated.
“We must agree to disagree.” Ned decided.
They remained on the floor, talking and laughing until the sky started to lighten. Ash was the first to get up. He offered Ned his hand and pulled him to his feet. He pressed a chaste kiss to Ned’s lips and they left the billiard room side by side. Ash pushed his hands deep into his pockets and stared at the floor until they reached the top of the stairs and had to part ways.
“You could come with me.” Ned’s head nodded toward his chambers. Ash shook his head.
“It’s too late. We have to be careful, Ned. And slow, remember?” Ash said softly. Ned rolled his eyes.
“You know, I’ve never had to beg for it.” Ned grinned rakishly. Ash looked around before he stepped close. He curled his hand around Ned’s neck and pulled his lips to his.
“You better learn, you’ve got a lot of begging in your future.” Ash whispered against his mouth and released him. He stepped back and turned on his heel and strode across the gallery to his room.
“You can’t just walk away after that!” Ned protested. Ash waved over his shoulder.
“Goodnight, Ned.”
Chapter 6
“How did you sleep?” Ned whispered and Ash felt the words against his neck. Ned pressed a kiss to his skin and Ash shivered. He elbowed Ned away as he looked over his shoulder, around the room to make sure there weren’t any footmen or maids around.
“Be careful, Ned.” Ash warned. Ned rolled his eyes and shook his head.
“I know a thing or two about being discreet.” He murmured as he picked up a plate and started filling it.
Ash looked at his plate and frowned. He’d piled as much food on it as he could but it still didn’t look like enough. He considered switching it for one of the platters. He’d stormed off, in a very manly manner, in the middle of breakfast the day before and had missed lunch and dinner. Ash decided he’d just have to make multiple trips and took his seat. Ned was in the middle of stirring his tea when he stopped and his eyes flicked from side to side before he jumped from his seat and ran to the door. Ash felt his eyes narrow as he watched Ned turn and tiptoe back to the table. Instead of taking his seat, he dashed around the table and grabbed Ash’s face and pressed his lips to his. Ash’s eyes flared as Ned’s tongue swept across his lips before he jumped back and darted to his seat. Ned looked over his shoulder and nodded before he shook out his napkin and draped it across his lap. Ash clenched his jaw to keep from smiling and raised his brow to scold Ned as he lifted his coffee to his lips.
“You’ve got a lot of smiling in your future, Ash.” Ned said softly and winked at him. Ash couldn’t stop his lips from curving. “There it is. Was that so painful?” Ned teased.
“You’re a pain, Ned.” Ash grumbled as he started to eat.
Ash didn’t stop eating until it hurt. Three plates hurt. But he sighed contentedly and stretched back in his seat. Ned blinked across the table at him.
“Good God, that has to be the most food any human has ever consumed in one sitting.” He said in disbelief. Ash shrugged.
“You know, I think I could use a nap.” Ash yawned as he stood up. He stretched and then strode into the hall and through to the study. He nodded as he crossed to the sofa and fell back on it. He kicked his feet up onto the arm and folded one of his arms behind his head. He shut his eyes and rested his other hand on his chest. He heard a throat clear and cracked an eye open. Ned was frowning down at him. “Wake me for lunch.” Ash yawned and shut his eye.
“You know, after twenty years, one would think you’d be a little more urgent. So far, you’re a disappointment as a lover.” Ned complained. Ash felt a smile tug at his lips. Lover. I love that, he thought.
“I’ll make it up to you later. I didn’t sleep last night and eating three plates of food is hard work.” Ash mumbled drowsily.Sleep had been impossible for Ash. His mind was in chaos. He laughed, he cried, he planned, he worried, he prayed. He was wide awake when his valet came in and started preparing his clothes. He decided to bathe, dress and go for a ride before breakfast. Ash didn’t
expect to see Ned until later, feeling him pressed against his back at the sideboard had been a pleasant surprise. The kiss had been a pleasant surprise as well. Ash felt warmth in his chest and groin and pushed the kiss from his mind. He needed to sleep. He felt a sigh escape his throat as he slipped into unconsciousness.
Warmth. Then, the softest moan of utter delight. Ash felt his lips curve as he realized the moan had come from him. His lids still felt heavy as he tried to open his eyes. They cracked open for a moment and shut again. Ned. Ash inhaled and the smell of him rushed in. He groaned rapturously as he felt Ned’s fingers sifting through his hair and massaging his scalp.
Ash’s eyes snapped open and his head whipped toward the door. It was closed. He relaxed and realized his head was on Ned’s lap.
“La Belle au bois dormant.” Ned mumbled.
“How long did I sleep?” Ash rubbed his face as he yawned.
“Almost four hours. Lunch should be ready soon.” Ned murmured and Ash heard a page turning.
“I can’t believe you stayed quiet that long. What did you do?” He managed to keep his face straight and felt Ned shrug.
“I took care of a few adult type things; looked over a few bills, wrote letters to my solicitors, my land manager in Bristol, my mother… Mostly I’ve been looking through this book and watching you.” He turned a page and Ash wondered how someone had managed to light a candle within his chest. As he was Ash, he couldn’t admit that so he frowned.
“We need to be careful. Staying like this for hours…” Ned cut him off.
“Has been divine. There wasn’t a day that we spent in this room that I didn’t imagine us just like this.” His voice remained relaxed and his fingers continued to swirl through Ash’s hair. “I don’t know why you’re so worried.” Another page turned and Ned hummed thoughtfully. Ash was starting to get curious.
“I’m worried about the possibility that we could end up in prison. I’d be fine but you’d be miserable.” He teased. He heard Ned’s eyes roll.
“No one is going to send me to prison. Viscounts do not go to prison, not for this. Second sons of earls, maybe… But, as you said, you’ll be fine. Even if I did end up in prison, I think it would be worth it.” Ned was still as he considered for a moment before he nodded. Ash snorted.
“It’s not like you to be naive.” He grumbled and Ned laughed softly.
“I’m being completely serious. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything as good as your lips beneath my thumb. I must have spent an hour, literally, just rubbing my fingers back and forth across your lips.” He paused and Ash was grateful, his heart had started to hammer against his ribs. “And I very nearly came in my trousers, the sounds you make while I play with your hair… It’s been very difficult the last few hours.” Ned complained. Ash reached over his shoulder and slid his hand up Ned’s arm and squeezed it affectionately as he waited for his emotions to settle.
“You’re right. This is divine. I’m happy, Ned.” He admitted. It felt incredible to say the words and mean them.
“Brilliant! Now, what do you think about this?” Ned said before a book dropped in front of Ash’s face.
It was opened to an illustration. It was a very colorful rendering of two men. Two naked men. One was on his back and the other was sitting astride him. The man on top was joyfully being impaled, riding the man beneath him. Ash cleared his throat as he felt heat flooding his face. And his cock. He took the book as he swung his feet to the floor and sat up. He looked at Ned and his brows were raised, expectantly. Ash had to blink several times before he looked back down at the book.
“I don’t think it was my hair that was causing your distress…” He mumbled and grimaced. “This is somewhat advanced, don’t you think?” Ash looked back at him. Ned shrugged.
“I don’t know. But, in for a penny, in for a pound, I always say.” He winked and a wicked grin curved his lips. Ash knew his mouth was hanging open. Ash shook his head as he rubbed the back of his neck.
“And which of these do you imagine is you?” His voice threatened to crack. Ned raised his hands and shrugged again.
“Both, at some point, I’d think.” Ned said calmly while Ash was falling apart on the inside. He swallowed past the tightness in his throat. His finger traced the paper where the two men were joined. He cleared his throat again.
“I understand that some men don’t enjoy that.” He said carefully. Ned’s brows pulled together and he bit his lip.
“How do you know that?” Ned asked as he took the book. Ash exhaled loudly.
“Things I’ve read. I’ve read a lot.” He knew he was blushing. Ned nodded before he passed the book back to Ash. One man sat on another man’s lap, once again impaled and the man on top had his hands around his own cock. Ash’s eyes felt like they were drying in their sockets and lust coiled within him. His eyes found Ned’s. They were narrowed, he was reading him.
“But you enjoy that.” He whispered. Ash couldn’t stop his head from nodding. His palms started to sweat and his collar felt too tight. Ned closed the book and set it aside. He crossed his arms over his chest and eyed Ash thoughtfully. “You said you’ve never been with a man.” Ash nodded again. This time, he knew he was turning red. He looked down and became absorbed with his waistcoat.
“I…” This time his voice did crack. He cleared his throat and swallowed. “I have something… I can simulate it.” Ash swore silently. His face was probably crimson. He felt Ned’s hand curve around his neck and he looked up. Ned’s eyes were dark and his breathing was rapid.
“That’s incredible.” He whispered as he pulled Ash’s face to his. Their lips brushed and Ned groaned. “I can’t stand how aroused I am, Ash.” Their mouths crashed together and Ash growled as he pulled Ned hard against him. Their tongues tangled and he pushed his hands into Ned’s hair. Ash angled his head and his tongue swirled inside Ned’s mouth. He’d been drinking tea and Ash moaned in delight. He lifted his head and looked into Ned’s eyes.
“Aren’t you worried?” He whispered hoarsely. Ned’s head pulled back and he looked confused.
“About?” He pushed the hair back from his brow and Ash wished he’d been the one to do it.
“The first time. What if you don’t like it? It could be unpleasant.” Ash explained. Ned pulled his lips tight and looked up and to the side as if he was pondering a very serious problem.
“Do you plan hurt me?” He asked nonchalantly. Ash gasped and shook his head.
“No! I’d never hurt you, Ned.” He swore. Ned raised a brow and shrugged.
“I didn’t think so. I trust you, Ash. If something doesn’t feel good or I don’t like it, you won’t do it.” Ned was so relaxed and open, Ash felt as if something inside of him was about to explode. I love him so damned much. He shut his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. For the love of God, don’t say it yet. You’ll scare the hell out of him. Ash shook his head in amazement as he looked into Ned’s eyes.
“Thank you.” It was the only thing he could think of. He let Ned see how much his words had meant to him. Ned nodded and his thumb brushed Ash’s cheek.
“It’s sex. Even when it’s bad, it’s still good. Even when I wasn’t enjoying it, I knew it would feel good at the end. Somehow, I think I’m going to enjoy all of it. It’s you, how could I not?” He smiled and pressed his lips to Ash’s briefly. There was a knock at the door. Ned’s eyes flicked toward it and he sighed. “Time for lunch.”
Ash sat up and nodded as his stomach growled. He rose and stretched. He was pulling his coat down and shifting his shoulders when his eyes met Ned’s. He was staring hungrily. Ash raised a brow.
“What?” He asked and gestured toward the door. He was getting quite hungry.
“I’m quite a fan of your tailor.” Ned said as his head fell to the side. Ash froze.
“I beg your pardon?” He frowned in confusion. Ned chuckled softly.
“He knows how to cut a coat. You’ve barely any room to bre
athe. And those buckskin breeches are a work of art.” His eyes drifted down Ash’s body. Ash felt the corner of his mouth raise and he looked down as he tugged at his sleeves. He tried to appear unaffected and shrugged.
“Loose clothes feel sloppy and I like having everything in order.” He grumbled.
“Probably all those years in a uniform. I have to tell you, Ash. The times you were in your uniform, were some of the most painful in my life. It used to drive me mad.” Ned confided. Ash's head tilted in surprise.
“I had no idea.” He whispered and Ned nodded emphatically as he reached for the door. This time Ash grinned. “Excellent. Your tailor is quite skilled as well. You’re always well turned out.” He lowered his voice as they stepped into the hall. Ned laughed.
“Oh, I know I look good! I spend a bloody fortune too. Not that I have to.” His hands gestured down his body. “This is all rather magnificent with or without good tailoring.” Ned winked as they turned into the dining room. Ash rolled his eyes as he went to the sideboard.
“I’ve always appreciated your modesty, Ned.” Ash reached for the rolls and considered taking them all to the table. Ned laughed as he sat.
“And I abhor sarcasm.” He leaned back and raised his wine glass as Ash sat. Ash snorted.
“You’re dripping with sarcasm.” He grumbled as he shook out his napkin. Ned flashed a wicked grin and leaned forward.
“Oh, I’m dripping…” He whispered. If Ash hadn’t been sitting down, he would have fallen over. Heat washed over him and he felt dizzy. He blinked rapidly before clearing his throat. He reached for his wine and drained the glass. Ned laughed softly and turned his attention to his plate.