You were worth it, my sweet love. Please know you were always worth it. It was all my fault.
On that day, I knew I couldn’t chase you. I knew I didn’t deserve you, and I knew I had to let you go. When I broke you, I saw the look in your eyes. I saw that horror that you’d been betrayed once again by a man who swore to love you forever.
I’d promised you it wouldn’t happen, and for the first time, I dropped you. You slipped from my fingers, and I knew I couldn’t get you back.
Cheating on you was my biggest mistake. I looked at you and couldn’t understand why you were with me. I couldn’t understand why you wanted me to be your boyfriend. I figured one day you’d move on and break my heart. So, I decided to move first.
God!
I was a fool. I never moved on. I see that now. In my final moments, I see that I was so hopelessly in love with you that I never moved on—not through anyone else I ever dated, made love to, and not with Cyra.
You were always mine, Elizabeth. I will go to my maker, if he exists, and I will know that I was created to love you and be by your side.
If fate hadn’t given me this death sentence, I’d still be beside you. I know you’ve moved on, and I’m glad you have. You deserve the men in your life. They love you, and for that, I’m so grateful. I’m glad Callen acts as your protector, watching over his wife to make sure she’s safe. I so happy that Ethan walks beside you, healing that hole I put in your heart. They deserve you, my sweet love, and I do not.
I never have.
I never will.
But thank you for letting me have those ten years. Next to having Bethe, it was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Meeting you…it changed everything.
Deep down, I know the truth. I don’t deserve what you’ve given me. I relive that nightmare. I punish myself for it. You’ve asked me why I sleep in earbuds. I listen to that one song. It’s the one that was playing in my home when I walked in with that nameless woman to hurt the one I loved more than anything.
I punish myself, doing my penance for that sin. I relive it to make amends. It’s the last thing I think about every night and the first thing I hear in the morning. It’s to remind me that my cruel heart broke one who didn’t deserve it.
Forgive me.
Please forgive me, Lyzee.
Forgive me for wanting to escape it all.
I’m so flawed, so broken, and so damaged. My mother…bless her for trying, she tried to make me a strong person, but I’m not.
Cyra wanted me to be someone I wasn’t, and I accepted it because I didn’t want to die alone without love.
Now, here I am.
Here I sit, and I can’t stay here and be a burden on everyone because that’s what I’ll be. I can’t stay in the FBI, I will always fear cutting myself and getting Bethe sick, or you, or one of your children.
I’m lost.
God, I’m so lost, and I don’t know how to find myself. I feel like I’m wandering alone in the world, trying to find something to hold onto in a storm. I’ve been pummeled so much the last two years, that I can’t do it anymore. I’m not strong enough for this battle. I’m not strong enough to go on fighting.
I just need to know you’ll forgive me. That through this all, you won’t hate me. What I hold onto, even now, is what we had. How we’d always had each other, even when the shit buried us. I know I lost that, and I deserved to, but I wish I could go back, take you in my arms one last time, and tell you how sorry I am. How you didn’t deserve to be destroyed by my insecurities.
I paid the ultimate price.
I paid with my life.
I will always love you. I am sorry I’m a coward. I’m sorry that I can’t fight anymore. I’m too scared, too alone, and at rock bottom.
Love my littlest Bethe for me.
Love her like she is yours because I had been so wrong when we were together. I wanted to marry you, and I wanted this life. Had I been a better man, I could have had it all. Only I was a coward, and I have nothing left but pain.
Forgive me.
I will love you forever, and I pray that you’re not the one who finds me. Again, I’m destroying you for my own selfishness. I’m sorry, Elizabeth. I’m so sorry.
Forever.
With all my heart.
It was always yours.
Orion.’
With shaking fingers, he folded the note, gave it a kiss, and sealed it away for her. Hopefully, when they cleared his home, she’d find it, and she’d have peace.
It was all he had left.
He owed her that much.
Chris’s heart was breaking, so he kept drinking to dull everything he was feeling.
All that was left was the fear of dying. He prayed it would be painless. He kept drinking, so he’d have the courage to do what he normally would condemn.
Only, his death sentence was by his hand, or by fate’s, and he wasn’t man enough to face it anymore.
Christopher Leonard had lost it all.
And he was giving up.
* * * B l a c k h a w k - W h i t e f o x * * *
Hoover Building
Blackhawk’s Office
She was ready to hear whatever he had to tell her, and she hoped he did it fast.
Elizabeth was hatching a plan to find out what the US Marshals knew about O’Banion’s whereabouts.
That was her focus.
“Kane and Quinn have an issue,” he said, taking a seat behind his desk.
“What?” she asked, glancing over at the two men. They were people she genuinely liked in life, married to two of her closest friends.
They were good cops.
And she couldn’t say that about many.
“Gentlemen, tell her,” Ethan offered, knowing this was going to go bad, and fast.
His wife…she wasn’t going to see this one coming.
Who would?
The two cops took turns as they broke it down from the second they arrived at the scene, to the body, and then to the note. At that point, Ethan handed it to Elizabeth in the plastic evidence bag.
Her face said it all.
This…this was a freaking miracle. This was the catalyst to make those who knew where O’Banion was spill the beans.
“Holy shit! You have to be kidding me!”
“I’ve never seen anyone so happy to have a shit case where it was going to be a potential nightmare,” Kane stated.
Quinn agreed.
Oh, they had no idea.
This was exactly what she needed. With this kind of shit happening, those who knew where O’Banion was couldn’t keep it to themselves.
This meant they had to tell her.
The man was being targeted.
Oh, the irony.
“This is great!” she said, smiling like the cat who swallowed the canary.
She even giggled.
The men all looked at her like she was a few burgers short of a Happy Meal.
“Really! Now we can get the marshals to tell us where he is! We can then put him in protective custody. MY protective custody,” she said, laughing her ass off. “Oh, Michael O’Banion, we’re about to do the dance, you sick fuck.”
Ethan didn’t like any of this.
He especially didn’t like that she was going to be anywhere near said ‘sick fuck’. The man was bad, and everyone—but his wife—apparently, knew it.
“Elizabeth.”
She stopped him.
This was like Christmas day for her. She was about to be handed the big prize, and she was going to make him miserable too. Michael O’Banion was going down after she saved his bacon from the person gunning for him.
His free ride at the taxpayer’s expense was OVER.
“We know that he had his two law-breaking assholes do his dirty work. We can get him to tell us where that grave is, and then we can figure out how the hell Carl found him.”
Quinn stopped her.
“Who’s Carl? Is that why he carved a ‘C’ in her body?” he asked. Apparen
tly, there were things the Feds knew that the local cops didn’t.
She explained.
“It has to be Carl ‘The Knife’. He was his hired hitman of choice. He and Joey ‘The Thug’ were killing women, men, animals—who knows what else, and hiding them for him.”
He sounded like a charmer.
And she wanted this case?
Really?
“And we know it’s not Joey how?” Quinn asked. “Criminals aren’t trustworthy. If he’s signing a ‘C’, that’s like waving at the cops and saying, ‘It’s me! Take me in’!” he offered. “Criminals turn on each other all the time.”
Kane knew this answer.
“They know it’s not his old partner because Elizabeth killed him on her last case.”
They all looked over.
“My wife talks shop. She keeps out the classified details, but she did mention a killer making human marionettes.”
Elizabeth didn’t mind.
They were cops.
They were all on the same side.
“I know it’s going to be his asshole buddy Carl. We need to get the location of that gravesite. I want to make sure that he’s handled, and his killing buddy too!”
Yeah, they could all tell.
“We have bigger issues to worry about,” Gabe said, entering the office.
They all looked over.
“What?” Ethan asked. “What could possibly be bigger than my wife chasing mob men?”
Callen agreed.
“Yeah, that’s pretty much the pinnacle of bad.”
Elizabeth elbowed him.
“It’s like this is my first rodeo.”
“Uh, maybe you want to hear about this?” Gabe said, rather accustomed to the normal banter between them.
“Shoot,” Elizabeth stated.
She was ready for anything.
“That letter, the second it was seen on the crime scene, was talked about, and it’s, somehow, worked its way back to the marshals.”
Okay, she wasn’t ready for that.
“What?”
Gabe figured that was going to be the reply.
“They want this buried, and the last thing they want is for any of you digging into it. It’s been deemed hands off.”
No freaking way.
“Uh, not happening, Gabe,” Elizabeth stated. “I’m going to end O’Banion’s reign of tyranny. He’s had ten years to live free. If I get that grave, and I get those victims’ ID’s, then I can put that nail in his coffin. The man is as dirty as the day is long. He’s helped his thugs outmaneuver the cops when he reigned in Boston. We all know he was behind Kai Fitzpatrick running amuck all those years ago, being shanked in jail too. That’s why Carl is gunning for him. That was his precious, killer, baby boy.”
He didn’t argue that.
“We need to bring him to justice.”
Here was the slippery slope.
“We can’t just put him in a cage, Elizabeth! It won’t work like that.”
“Why the hell not?”
This was not the audience for this.
“Detectives, can you step out?” Gabe asked. “I need to speak to my people for a few minutes, and it’s classified information. Neither of you have the clearance.”
Yeah, they were not shocked in the least.
Both detectives got up, headed out, and closed the door behind them.
When they were gone, only then did he lay it out for them. This was a mess, and he was in the center of it thanks to the last director.
“Gabe?” Ethan asked. “Why can’t we take him to trial and lock him up?”
Here it went.
“Because we sent O’Banion away, and it wasn’t exactly by the books.”
Gabe didn’t like admitting that, but ultimately, he was out of options. Over the last few weeks, Elizabeth had been digging like a maniac, and he hadn’t offered help.
Now, it was time.
The FBI sometimes broke the law.
This was one of those times.
“What? What the hell do you mean by that?” she asked. “He went into the witness protection program. He must have sung like a canary to get them to protect him, and now we can use those bodies in the grave to put him away.”
He wished it was that easy.
It was anything but.
“When we took him under, we wanted to keep an eye on him at all times.”
“Uh, and?”
“We placed him in DC, and he’s working in a post office here.”
WHAT?
Did they hide him in plain freaking sight?
Really?
“Gabe, you have to be shitting me. Michael O’Banion is here, and he’s been here for all these years?”
“Yes, he is.”
Only, that wasn’t the worst part.
“For the last few weeks I’ve been driving myself batshit insane, and you knew where he was the whole damn time? For the last two weeks, I’ve been playing ‘Where’s Criminal Waldo’ and you knew?”
Yeah, he knew.
He’d always known. It had been his plan, and not one of his finest moments.
Gabe didn’t say anything.
“Spill it, baldy. I’m ready to kick someone’s ass. I’ve wasted precious time!”
He knew he had to help her now. The truth was going to come out, and it wasn’t going to be pretty.
This situation…
It was bad.
“Only three of us knew. Myself, the attorney for the state department, Thomas Jones, and the head of the Marshals, Lewis Jefferson, were the only people privy to it.”
She listened.
“There was a top-secret file. In fact, the new director of the US Marshals didn’t have access to it.”
“Marcus Hunter didn’t know?” Ethan asked.
That would explain why he’d kept telling him he couldn’t help him. Marcus wasn’t playing. He really couldn’t give them intel he couldn’t access.
“No, it’s not in his file. There’s a dummy file at the US Marshals’ office. They don’t have the real file. You got a redacted file, and he didn’t redact it. Lewis did.”
“Where is the real file?” Elizabeth asked.
The man hesitated.
“Gabe,” she stated. “This is a big mess. If there’s a cover-up, you need me to work it. I’ll protect it the best I can.”
That was the ONLY reason he was there.
Gabe trusted her, and he trusted his partner, Ethan Blackhawk. They would have his back.
“Look in your file cabinet under Howard Flint. It’s a paper file. I left it here in this cabinet since it was my office at the time.”
That was genius.
No one used paper files anymore. Everything was electronic. Ethan never even opened the massive cabinets. They hadn’t been his.
He headed there and searched alphabetically.
When he found it, he opened it.
And whistled.
“You hid it under my nose,” Ethan stated. “It’s under his new name.”
Gabe nodded.
Only, that wasn’t it.
“I also know where that mass grave is because we had people in Boston watching him. It’s in Virginia. Normally, O’Banion did random body dumps. Only, he changed it up toward the end and had some victims moved. We caught a lucky break and saw Carl and Joey moving the bodies there. It was done over a week’s time—one a day.”
Elizabeth was shocked and horrified.
“What?” Gabe asked, seeing the look on her face.
“I have to be asleep at my desk. There’s no way you knew all along, and you didn’t have them excavated. That’s all kinds of wrong, Gabe.”
Oh, he was aware, but they’d violated the mob man’s rights, and no one felt bad about it. He was a killer.
He’d gotten his just desserts.
“We didn’t because we needed the attention to die down. Michael O’Banion was a hotbed of tension. My boss at the time wanted it handled, and he made the choice not to un
bury them. Like Ethan can bitch about my choices, he can’t override them. At the time, I was in the same boat.”
And he’d been protecting Elizabeth. She’d gone to bat for him with ‘The Butcher’, and he’d done the same with Michael O’Banion.
“Well, your boss was an asshole. I’m having a hard time feeling bad for him since he was taken out by a serial killer.”
“Elizabeth.”
“I’m with her,” Callen said. “The FBI knew where there was a grave, and they said nothing. That is a bad way to handle justice, Gabe. We fight for it, not to create the swamp to hide it.”
He knew he was right.
“I had no choice!” Gabe said.
“Why not?” Elizabeth asked. “You had to have a damn good reason to go along with that. You aren’t an asshole, Gabe. You believe in what we do, so why would you tarnish your badge?” she asked.
It looked like it was going to all come out now.
“It’s in the file,” he said, allowing them to figure it out for themselves. Anything he said would be questioned. He’d yet to touch that file, so they would believe it over him.
It was sad but true.
Ethan flipped through the file.
“Uh, Elizabeth, before you get all outraged, Gabe cut off a big mess.”
“What?” she asked.
Gabe answered her.
“He was gunning for you. He was going to kill you, so I handled it.”
That hung there.
Finally, she had to know.
“What do you mean?” Elizabeth asked. “What do you mean by that?”
Gabe owned it.
“He put a hit out to anyone who could ‘capture’ you. If they couldn’t bring you in alive, he’d take you dead.”
That horrified Callen and Ethan.
And her.
“He was claiming you as his, and I wasn’t having it. That geek you called a boyfriend wouldn’t be able to protect you, so with the help of my boss, it was handled. He wanted O’Banion gone, and I wanted you safe. It was mutually beneficial to both of us.”
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