Love, Witches, & Other Delusions

by Natsume Akatsuki

Almost unconsciously, I put my hands together in a gesture of worship and murmured, “O goddess…”

  “P-please, sir, that’s hardly fitting! N-now, please let us know your address and when you intend to go to sleep tonight. One of our staff will be by around that time to help you have the dream you requested. Please refrain from alcohol use, as it isn’t possible to induce a dream in an inebriated customer.”

  When she had finished her instructions, we left the shop.

  The night was still young, but somehow we immediately found ourselves going our separate ways.

  “Uh, see you next time, then!”

  “Y-yeah!”

  “Catch you l-later!”

  The two of them seemed eager to go home early.

  But then, so was I.

  It was quite a while yet till I’d indicated I would be asleep, but I wanted to hurry back and get ready, then go to sleep early.

  I rushed home, not stopping for anything.

  5

  Aqua greeted me with a radiant smile when I got home.

  “Welcome back, Kazuma! Rejoice, for tonight’s dinner is going to be amazing! It’s crab! Someone from Darkness’s home sent them as a housewarming gift! Beautiful red crabs with white specks! And super-expensive wine, too! Looks like they want to thank us for looking after their girl!”

  I guess crabs were a delicacy here, too.

  I’d never really gotten to eat crab in Japan. Who knew my first taste of it would be in a fantasy world?

  “Ahh! To think! A party of poor adventurers living on poor adventurer salaries, having speckled crab for dinner! Never have I been gladder that I joined this group…!”

  “Is the stuff really that high-class?” I asked Megumin, who was busy bowing in reverence toward the food.

  Megumin did an exaggerated double take at my ignorance, then thrust her fist into the air and launched into an explanation.

  “Of course it is! To make a simple comparison, if you told me I had to go without exploding something today in order to eat this crab, I would gladly do it, and then explode something after I had eaten the crab! That is how high-class it is!”

  “Well, that is something! …Huh? What was that second thing you said?”

  Darkness was setting the food on the table as we talked. Aqua was cheerily taking out glasses for each of us.

  Then we all sat down and dug right in.

  I pulled off a leg with a crack, dipped some of the pinkish-white meat in vinegar, and popped it in my mouth.

  “?!”

  The flavor overwhelmed me. Slightly sweet, packed with crabbiness, the taste spread through my mouth.

  Everyone else savored their crab in silence.

  Oh man! I can’t stop myself!

  I cracked open the shell and started on the brown meat inside…

  “Kazuma, give me a Kindle over here. I’ll show you a great way to enjoy pricey wine.”

  As she spoke, Aqua, who had already torn through the brown meat in her crab’s shell, put charcoal in a sort of small pan and stretched wire mesh over it. She’d fashioned a crude brazier.

  I cast my fire spell on the charcoal as she asked, and she set her shell on the brazier, a bit of brown meat still clinging to it.

  She poured a trickle of alcohol into the shell. It was clear, like Japanese sake.

  In high spirits, Aqua grilled the shell until it was lightly browned, then sipped the warmed wine right out of it…

  “Ah…”

  She let out a contented sigh.

  The whole thing reeked of some old Japanese guy nursing his drink—yet the rest of us all gulped and rushed to try it ourselves. Suddenly I realized:

  It’s a trap!

  The delicious crab had made me almost completely forget about the impending succubus visit. Hadn’t the woman warned me I wouldn’t be able to get my dream if I was soused?

  Calm down, now. I know how to buck up. Yes! I am a man of iron willpower!

  “?! That’s fantastic!”

  Don’t get distracted!

  Don’t get distracted just because Darkness likes it!

  If I tried even one sip, that would probably be the end of it.

  I’d just drink to my heart’s content, succubi be damned!

  That’s what had happened with the crab, and the wine looked every bit as good.

  “Darkness, give me some, too! Why not? Just once? I want to try the wine, too!”

  “No. I heard if you start young, it messes you up for life.”

  At that, Megumin suddenly glanced at Aqua, still enjoying herself. Darkness silently looked her way, too.

  “…What?”

  Darkness noticed me wordlessly resisting the scene and inclined her head. “What’s wrong, Kazuma? Never drank before? …Was the crab not to your liking?” She looked just a little concerned.

  Nope, nuh-uh, crab was great.

  “No, the crab was really good, for sure. I just had a drink while I was out with Keith and the guys earlier. And I’m not much of a connoisseur when it comes to wine, so for tonight… Well, I’ll have some tomorrow—how’s that?”

  My excuse seemed to satisfy her. She let out a breath and gave a carefree smile.

  No, stop, don’t give me that innocent look! Every other day you embarrass me and have nothing worthwhile to say—why today?

  Why today?!

  “Hmm? You think there’ll be any of this left tomorrow? I’m going to clean it out! Imagine—not drinking this! Yaaaay! I get Kazuma’s helping!”

  Grrr. I’d never hated that idiot more.

  Darkness smiled at me again. “Hmm. Well, at least eat up, then. It’s a way of thanking you for all your help.”

  Her words made me realize I was doing something kind of underhanded, and I felt a pang of guilt.

  Maybe I should just forget about it and have a drink with everyone.

  Tomorrow I could apologize to the succubus for making her come all the way out here.

  Yeah…enjoy a drink with my friends and get back to work tomorrow.

  What were we talking about? Just a dream—albeit a realistic one—based on that questionnaire. Admittedly, they claimed you would remember the dream when you woke up. But it was still just a dream.

  And look at Darkness. Look at all of them.

  Which was more important?

  Remember what you wrote on the questionnaire?

  …Of course. There’d never been anything to worry about.

  I ate all the crab I could take, then stood up.

  “Welp, I know it’s a little early, but I’m off to bed! Thanks for the meal, Darkness. G’night, everybody!”

  And with no further hesitation, I shut myself up in my room.

  6

  I locked the door and unlocked the window. That wasn’t specifically part of the instructions, but I figured it couldn’t hurt.

  The succubus was already coming all the way out here. I didn’t want to put her to any more trouble.

  We didn’t have a clock, so I didn’t know the exact time, but it had to be getting near the time I’d specified. I needed to get to sleep before the hour came, but with all the excitement—and nervousness—I couldn’t drift off.

  Oh man, my heart is pounding.

  Ahh, what am I gonna do? I’m too excited to sleep!

  I didn’t know how long I lay like that.

  I slipped out of bed. I thought I’d do some light exercise in the yard to clear my head. And maybe it would make me sleepy.

  I left the house still in my pajamas.

  Everyone else was asleep; all was quiet. The moonlight and my Second Sight skill made it easy to move around the yard.

  As I exercised on the snow-covered grounds, it suddenly started to bug me that the grave of whoever it was over in the corner was getting buried in snow.

  I went over and brushed it off, then saw that name, Anna, again.

  I was satisfied with the state of the headstone, but now I was starting to get annoyed that I was covered in a sheen of sweat.
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  I guess I didn’t need to worry. I was just going to get a dream. But it was a matter of etiquette.

  So I made my way through the silent house to the bath.

  The special magical bath was a further testament to the house’s previous, noble owners. In a word, it heated the bath like a gas system but with magic. Because it required only a pinch of MP to work, even average people could use it.

  I activated the heater and suddenly felt sluggish, perhaps because of the drain on my MP. Couldn’t help that.

  I used Kindle to light the sconce in the bathing area and even put the little OCCUPIED sign on the door.

  I stripped and put my clothes in the hamper so people would know who was in there.

  In other words, I wanted to avoid one of those ridiculous mix-ups you see in manga all the time.

  If I wanted to get into a situation like that, well, that was what the succubus shop and its dreams were for. I’d rather not get in such an untoward relationship with someone I had to live with.

  When a woman walked in on a man in the bath, somehow it was always the guy’s fault.

  A claim I would certainly dispute if it happened now. I’d scream even before she could: Lady pervert! Reverse sexual harassment!

  “Ehh. I guess that sort of thing only happens in manga anyway,” I said to myself. I used some MP to heat the water, then sank in up to my shoulders.

  I stretched my limbs luxuriantly, bathed in the gentle glow of the changing-room lantern. I sighed a deep sigh and felt sleep stealing over me.

  7

  I didn’t know how long I stayed like that, but I opened my eyes to a clatter from outside the changing room.

  At first I thought I must have imagined it, but in a place this quiet, a noise like that was hard to miss.

  Maybe the OCCUPIED sign had fallen off the door. I was pretty sure I’d hung it up securely, though…

  Could it be Aqua, playing a prank by taking down the sign? Probably not at this hour; she’d be asleep.

  Oh, well. It wasn’t like anyone was going to wander in at this time of night. My clothes were in the hamper in there; I’d even lit the lantern. Anyone who came by would know there was someone in here.

  That’s what I was thinking when an unnatural wind blew in—right through the middle of the house—and doused the light.

  I had the sense I wasn’t alone, just as I had when ghosts had beset us here.

  But I wasn’t getting anything from my Sense Foe skill.

  Aw, well. I could see in the dark. Who cared about the lantern? The moonlight filtering through the window of the bath was plenty bright enough.

  So I lolled there, unconcerned…

  …when I heard the door of the attached changing room open.

  This time I really was startled.

  What was with the weird timing?

  Wait—whoever had come in had brought a light, so they would have noticed my clothes in the changing room.

  They had a lamp. That meant it wasn’t Aqua, who could see in the dark.

  That left Megumin or Darkness…

  Suddenly, the mysterious visitor’s light blinked out.

  “Wha…? Wh-what happened to my lamp…?”

  From the other side of the glass, I heard what sounded like Darkness’s confused voice.

  “…Oh, well. The moon’s out tonight; it’ll be fine…”

  Then I could make out her form as she began to take off her…whoawaitwaitwait!

  I was about to call out when it struck me.

  It was too neat. Too improbable. Too…perfect. No matter how lucky I was.

  Hang on.

  The last thing I remembered was feeling sleepy and closing my eyes.

  So this must be…!

  Darkness walked into the bath area, still talking to herself and running her fingers through her long hair…

  …and saw me, lounging in the tub in the dark. Our eyes met.

  ““…………””

  Of course, we were both naked as the day we were born.

  In the faint moonlight, Darkness’s alabaster skin seemed to glow.

  Oh man… I’d always known she was sexy, but even I hadn’t realized what her proportions really were. I’d thought maybe all her training would have made her lean, but she was plump in all the right places…

  Or maybe that was just the succubus, playing to my preferences?

  Darkness stared openly at me, not trying to cover herself. I made a friendly gesture from the tub.

  At that, Darkness sank to the floor, covering her chest, her mouth hanging open.

  “Wh-wh-wh-wha…?”

  “…? What’s wrong? Hurry up and come here, Darkness. Well, scrub my back first.”

  “??!?!!”

  I rose from the bath and sat on a round wooden stool with my back to her. Darkness didn’t seem to expect that; she just kept working her mouth open and closed.

  There was something about her. Something fresh, something I liked. Guess that was what I got for having a succubus whip her up.

  But…why was Darkness in my dream?

  I had requested only a beautiful, slightly older woman with excellent style. Next time I’d have to be more specific.

  “Wh-wh-wh-what are you saying?! What I mean is, how, er, um—How can you be so calm? A-and what do you mean, scrub your b-back? I have s-so many questions I can’t even th-think…!”

  Wow! They had her personality down to a T. Way to go, succubus! Kudos!

  “Oops, this is no time to be overcome with admiration. I didn’t say I wanted her to play hard to get—let’s get things moving here! …Hmm, come to think of it, I did put down beautiful, slightly older woman, excellent style but shy and sheltered. I guess this is fine, then.”

  “?!”

  Darkness was getting more and more panicked as I muttered to myself.

  This was refreshing in its way, but was I supposed to be taking the lead in this scene?

  “I get it; I asked for the sheltered type, but come on! My back ain’t gonna scrub itself!”

  “?! Y-you mean anyone would know to scrub your back in this situation?!”

  In the midst of her mounting panic, Darkness approached my back with great apprehension.

  I let my eyes wander over her, but she crouched on the ground and covered her body.

  “This is different. It’s nice. But—my back! I can barely wait anymore!”

  “Y-you! Think about what’s going on! What would Aqua and Megumin say if they knew?”

  “Well, maybe I’d ask them to join us in the tub.”

  “What?! I don’t get you today…!”

  “Hey, watch the racket. Do you know what time it is? You’re gonna wake up the whole neighborhood. Even you ought to know better than that.”

  “You really want to talk about social etiquette in a situation like this? I-is it just me? Is it just me who doesn’t have any common sense? Am I the strange one?!”

  “You’re always kind of strange. Well…since this is a dream, I guess you can make all the noise you want. Now, back, please.”

  “Erg… H-how did this happen…? And yet he orders me so confidently… I hate being the submissive archetype!” she muttered, her cheeks flushing red as she turned toward my back.

  A towel had appeared in her hand, and she knelt on the ground just behind me.

  At last, she started to scrub. Not very well, but certainly wholeheartedly.

  “Ahhh, that’s the stuff… Normally I’m the one who’s too shy. I kinda like this whole embarrassed take on you.”

  “Wh-why, you—! Everything you’ve said and done today has been so…geriatric! Th-there, that should be plenty. M-may I please go now?” she said tremblingly, desperately trying not to look at my nakedness. Something about it just smacked of her innocence.

  “Whaddaya mean, go now? I know you took some liberties with what I put down, but don’t act like you don’t know what comes next. How about you lose the towel?”

  “No way! This is wrong!
I might not be very worldly, but I know this isn’t right!”

  Darkness’s eyes brimmed with tears and her cheeks were bright red as she shot back at me. Then we heard it:

  “Intruder! Everyone, watch out! There’s an intruder in here!!”

  It was Aqua, her voice echoing through the house.

  Hey, I didn’t say I wanted to be interrupted just as we were getting to the good stuff!

  I grabbed the towel Darkness was holding, wrapped it around my hips, and dashed out of the bath.

  I glanced back at Darkness. She sat there on the floor, covering her chest, her upturned eyes brimming with tears.

  Damn! I really wanted to get on with it, but first I had to go give Aqua a piece of my mind for interrupting us like that. I didn’t care if this was a dream!

  When my towel and I got to the living area, I found Aqua holding a succubus—a girl, younger than the woman I’d met at the shop that afternoon.

  Megumin, still in her pajamas, was pointing her staff at the creature threateningly.

  “Kazuma, look! My spirit barrier caught this intrud—Yikes! There’s another one over here!”

  “It’s me, you idiot! Wait, huh? What’s a succubus girl doing here?”

  As I argued with Aqua, still clad in only a towel, I started to think the cast of this dream was altogether too large. And then I started to wonder…

  Why would a succubus appear in a succubus’s dream?

  “So I put a barrier around this whole house, right? And when it detected something, I went to check, and I found this thing trying to get inside, stuck in my barrier! Succubi only attack men, so she must have been coming for you, Kazuma! But you’re safe now—time for a good old-fashioned exorcism!”

  The succubus gave a small yelp.

  Huh?

  Could things get any weirder than this?

  Wait—could this mean Darkness…? The tub… Was it all…?

  No! This wasn’t the time. First I had to deal with the succubus.

  So Aqua had set up a spirit barrier without a word to me. Sure she had. It would hardly be the first time she’d gone above and beyond the call of stupid. Aqua had taken a step back from the succubus and was pointing at her dramatically.