“The poor wall,” I muttered as I wiped a tear from my cheek. “I won’t mention him again. Well, I’ll try really hard not to mention him, okay?”
“Okay. I think that would be best for everyone. The less I hear about that bastard, the better condition my walls will be in,” he smiled that time. And it was a real smile.
“Let me help you with your hand, then I’ll go to bed.”
“Thanks. There’s some gauze and tape downstairs in the first aid kit on top of the fridge.”
“Okay, I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere,” I looked down at him bleeding in the sink and snickered a little.
“Ha ha…she’s a real funny girl, is she?” he asked with a smile.
I went downstairs and got the gauze, tape, and some antibiotic cream. I helped him doctor his wound and then we went our separate ways to bed.
I crawled into my nice warm bed and almost immediately fell asleep. That night I slept the best sleep I’d slept in years, maybe even ever. Honestly, I can’t remember a night where I’d slept straight through with no bad dreams or interruptions from Paul. The night was amazing and so peaceful.
When I woke up the next morning I felt like a new person. Climbing out of bed, I looked out my bedroom window and there were two deer standing in the grove of trees not too far from the house. The view was like a postcard depicting the countryside - absolutely beautiful. Tanner had brought me to a country paradise and I would never be able to repay him for his kindness, but I’d try.
I went downstairs and tried to make something for breakfast, but since Tanner hadn’t been home in a while there wasn’t any food in the fridge. There was however a box of pancake mix in the cabinet and some syrup. Pancakes were quick and easy - that I could do. I’d have to mix the batter with water instead of milk. Even though they wouldn’t be quite as fluffy, they’d do. I found some coffee and a box of french vanilla flavored creamer in the cabinet, so I made a pot of coffee and cleaned up the kitchen a bit while I was getting breakfast ready.
As I set the table, I poured us both a steaming cup of coffee and put the individual cups of creamer in a little dish on the table. Tanner must’ve smelled the coffee or pancakes because about the time I got everything on the table he was walking into the kitchen.
“Something smells good in here,” he said.
His voice sounded gruff in the mornings. The dark stubble decorating his jaw, made him look even more handsome than normal. He was wearing a pair of black sweat pants that tied around the waist and nothing else. The six pack that he was sporting, was definitely a sight to see. At that moment I thought to myself, Why, in the world, do I have to be so screwed in the head? Tanner is the perfect man and we could be so happy together if I wasn’t such a mess. I want him to be mine, but no man like that could ever want a girl like me.
“There weren’t really a lot of breakfast options, but I worked with what was available.”
“I think we better add resourceful to your list of attributes,” he said.
“I can be, when I wanna be,” I said with a grin.
He took a big bite of pancake. “Damn, these are good.”
“Thanks,” I smiled. “Now just imagine what I could do if you had some real groceries in the house.”
“You’d be dangerous, woman!”
“Yep, truth. Maybe we could go shopping today? Pick up some real food.”
“Sounds like a plan. I’ll throw some clothes on and we can head into town.”
Tanner told me it was about a forty-five minute drive into the city, but the little grocery store in town didn’t really keep a lot in stock, so it was well worth the longer drive.
Driving into the city, we both attempted to sing along to the old country music echoing through Tanner’s truck. We were definitely not talented singers, but we tried our best and had fun doing it.
When we pulled into the mega-grocery store, Tanner grabbed a cart and then proceeded to load it up. He was throwing stuff in the cart left and right, willy-nilly.
“Are we going to be feeding the whole town?” I asked.
He laughed. “Think I’m going a little overboard, huh?”
“Just a little. I think you can put some of this stuff back.”
“I don’t come into the city often and I’ll be leaving for work in a couple of days. My schedule is kinda crazy, I could be gone a week, two, or maybe even a month. I’m not gonna leave you all alone in the middle of nowhere with nothing to eat. Remember, we talked about this, I ain’t that kinda guy.”
“Yes, I know. Fine, shop away then,” I gestured toward the frozen food aisle. He started putting all of these pre-made meals in the cart. “Why are you buying all those meals? I can cook, remember?”
“I almost forgot about that. Yes, ma’am, you sure can cook. Why don’t you lead the way and we’ll get whatever you want to make.”
“I’ll save you a ton of money. Cooking from scratch is so much cheaper than buying these pre-made meals.”
“Money isn’t a worry. I do pretty good with my job and I got a little inheritance from my grandparents, that’s actually how I got the house.”
“Oh, I see. Well I’m not really used to not living on a budget. Ours was pretty tight, so I had to teach myself how to cook. Paul liked home-cooked food, so he made me read all of my mom’s cookbooks and figure it out. It wasn’t really that difficult, I mean any idiot can follow a recipe.” I tossed some ground beef into the cart. “Do you like meatloaf?”
“Um, depends. Is your meatloaf edible?”
I slapped his arm. “Yes, thank you. My meatloaf is edible.”
He smiled. “Then, yes, Adlee. I like meatloaf.”
We finished our shopping and got the truck all loaded down.
“I was thinking maybe we could stop and grab a bite to eat on the way home. Sound good?” Tanner asked.
“Sure. What are you in the mood for?”
“I want you to choose.”
I looked down and wrung my hands. “Really, whatever you want is fine. I’m not picky at all. I’ll eat anything.”
Tanner reached over and took my hands in his. “What’s going through that pretty little head of yours, hon?”
Looking up at him, I wiped a tear from my eye and sniffled, “I’m not used to this, Tanner.”
“To what? Picking out a restaurant?” He looked so confused.
“Not just that. Picking out anything. Choosing groceries or what I want to cook. I’ve never been given that option. I’ve always been told what to do and when to do it.” I wiped another tear, and making him let go of my hand, I pulled a tissue out of my purse to wipe my nose. “You’re being way too nice to me, Tanner. You’re freaking me out.”
I heard a noise coming from the other side of the truck and then it got louder and louder. Tanner was laughing at me. He was laughing so hard the truck was starting to shake.
He caught his breath and stopped laughing. Leaning in closer to me he once again placed his hand over mine. “For starters, Adlee…I don’t think I’ve ever been called nice and I sure as hell haven’t been told I was being too nice. Also, you deserve the right to pick what groceries we have in the house, the house that you are going to be staying in and the groceries that you are going to be cooking and eating, and you should be able to pick the restaurant you want to go to. That asshole has really got your head screwed up.”
I swallowed hard and made a lovely sound when I sucked some snot up my nose - real ladylike. “Thanks, Tan…”
He interrupted me, “Stop saying that, Adlee! Do not thank me again. As a matter of fact I don’t ever want to hear those words come from your mouth again. Got it?”
“Yeah, got it.”
“Okay, now pick a place to eat because I am starving to death.”
“Yes, sir.”
***
Tanner left the next day and just like he warned me, he was gone for almost a month. It really sucked to be alone for that long.
The nightmares started the first night I sl
ept in the house alone. They were always the same. The nightmare would start with me as a little kid being tucked into bed by Paul. He’d place a soft kiss on my head and tell me he loved me so much. The nightmares always ended the same way too, with Paul hovering over me, panting and gasping, and telling me he loved me while he broke everything inside of me that ever felt love. I’d wake up screaming, covered in sweat, and grasping at the quilt to cover myself. Every damn night.
Tonight was a little different; I went to sleep a little earlier than normal, around nine o’clock. I hadn’t been in bed long when the nightmare began, and then I heard something. It was a phone ringing. It wasn’t in my dream though, it was real. I woke up and made my way out to the hall where the old rotary phone sat on a table in the corner by the door that led to the bathroom.
“Hello?”
“Hi,” Tanner said.
“Crap, Tanner. You scared me. Is everything okay?” I asked.
“I’ve done something and I don’t want you to be mad at me.”
“Why would I be mad at you? I don’t even think that’s a possibility.”
“Just please hear her out before you make any decisions.”
“Hear who out?”
I heard Tanner take a deep breath and exhale loudly. “I made you an appointment for tomorrow afternoon with Dr. Shelby. I called around and she’s really good at what she does.”
“And what exactly does she do, Tanner?”
“She’s a psychiatrist.”
“No way in hell!” I slammed the phone down and climbed back into bed. I didn’t need a shrink. Sure I was screwed in the head, but I knew it. I sure as hell didn’t need some snooty ass doctor pointing it out.
Before I could get back in bed, the phone started ringing again. I walked back into the hall and picking up the receiver, I held it to my ear without saying a word.
“I think it’ll be good for you, Adlee. She’s working you in. It’s hard to get an appointment with her.”
“So you think I’m crazy? Is that it?”
“No! No…I don’t think you’re crazy. But I think Paul did some really crazy shit to you and it might help you move past it if you talk to someone. I don’t know what else to do to help you.” I could hear the concern his voice. He really did care about me. He wasn’t doing this to hurt me, he was once again trying to help me, but this was help I didn’t think I needed.
Trying really hard not to burst into tears, I said, “Fine, I’ll go one time. That’s it. She can’t help me. I’m way too far gone for that.”
“That’s not true, Adlee. You’re still right here. You need somebody to help you see yourself the way you truly are. And keep you from losing…”
“Losing out, Tanner? Really, it’s fine. I’m not gonna completely freak out. I’m not insane…I’m broken.”
“I’m hoping Dr. Shelby can make you understand that you aren’t broken, Adlee.”
Chapter Four~
About a year later
“Dawg! Where are you? Dawg!” I yelled across the yard. Where in the world could that silly goose be? Dawg, who got his name from Tanner, was our watch-goose.
Yep, I said watch goose.
That goose would go squawk like crazy if someone came up the drive or if there was an animal getting close to the house. Dawg was better than any watch-dog we could’ve had.
About that time, Dawg came waddling up the lane. “There you are. You scared me silly you darn goose.”
Tanner had been out on another pretty long run. It wasn’t unusual for him to be gone for a month at a time, and now he’d been gone almost three weeks. It felt like he was away more than he was home. Driving a semi-truck for a company out of somewhere in the Midwest meant that sometimes he would be sent out on long runs. I hated it when he was away, but I understood that it was his job and he had to do it.
The past year had been perfect. It seemed like it had been forever since the incident at Lottie’s. Slowly but surely I was working through my issues. I’d made the decision when I left with Tanner to get back to me, and I was doing it one session at a time.
Dr. Shelby hadn’t been anything like I expected. She was short and stocky and wore regular clothes, nothing snooty about her. Acting like a real person and not a doctor, was a big reason why I went back after our first session.
We saw each other once a week and she’d given me her cell phone number to contact her if I felt anxious or needed to talk. She made it very clear that I was to call her anytime night or day. I’d already called her in the middle of the night during a nightmare, and in the middle of the afternoon when I got nervous in a large crowd at the local diner.
She’d helped me realize that what happened to me didn’t have anything to do with me. It took some time to make me understand that I wasn’t a whore and scum, like Paul had made me believe.
Finally, I was starting to actually feel good about myself. Slowly but surely my self esteem was coming back to me and Dr. Shelby had made me realize that my feelings for Tanner were real. At first I think she thought that I had feelings for him only because he’d saved me, but the more time we spent together the more I realized that I saw a future with him.
Dr. Shelby helped me understand that I was allowed to have those feelings and there was nothing wrong with me for feeling that way.
Looking back now, I realize that I’d loved Tanner for quite some time, probably since right after he brought me to his house - our home. At first I assumed it was just a crush because of everything he had done for me, but the more I got to know him, the more I realized it was love. Dr. Shelby agreed and we worked through my feelings as we worked to try to fix my head a little bit. I joked and told her we might as well work on my heart too, while we were at it.
Dr. Shelby had met Tanner a few times when he stopped by her office to pay for my sessions or to drop me off. We’d talked a lot about it and decided that it was time for me to show Tanner how I felt about him and hopefully move forward with our relationship.
In the time we’d lived under the same roof, Tanner had never so much as touched me. I think that made me fall even harder for him. The man touched my heart and soul. He didn’t need to touch my body, but damn if I didn’t want him to. I was ready to move on - to move on with him.
The last few times he’d been home I tried to flirt with him a little bit. I wasn’t sure if he got what I was trying to do, though. He didn’t act like he took at is flirting.
Flirting with him was scary and exciting at the same time. It wasn’t like I was really blatant about it.
Once, I lightly brushed my chest across his arm while he sat at the dining table and another time I rubbed my body against his as we passed in the hallway. Very small things, but for me they were huge.
Dr. Shelby and I had worked on my issues with sexuality. She taught me that I could be sexual without thinking about Paul and the horrible things he’d done to me. It’d taken a year, but I was getting there and I wanted to build a future with Tanner. I believed he was the man that I would spend the rest of my life with. This was the first time in my life that I’d thought about a future and when I did think about it all I saw was Tanner.
Tanner hadn’t dated anyone in the time we’d lived together, I wasn’t sure why though. As gorgeous and nice as he was he had to have women throwing themselves at him all the time. It was almost like he didn’t want to be with anyone. Like he didn’t have interest in the opposite sex. I knew he wasn’t gay, that much I was sure of. I’d caught him staring at me a few times, usually at my breasts. I hoped that he was feeling something for me too, and I decided when he came home this time, I was going to find out.
Tanner had not only made me start seeing Dr. Shelby, he also helped me get enrolled in and pay for beauty school. I attended three days a week and Tanner told me when I was done with that he would help me start up a shop in town. He was my savior and I wanted more. I wanted everything with him.
All of a sudden Dawg started squawking like a son-of-a-gun. I walked out
onto the porch and saw Tanner’s truck barreling up the drive. He did the traditional country boy one finger wave from the steering wheel then he pulled in and parked in front of the garage.
He looked different.
The smile that was usually on his face was nowhere to be found.
“Everything okay, Tanner?” I was really concerned. He looked a little tired and a whole lot pissed.
“Yeah, everything’s peachy fucking keen. I need a beer.” He stormed past me and headed into the house. I followed him as he went into the kitchen and grabbed a beer and then started up to his room.
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” I asked.
“Not a damn thing, what the fuck would’ve happened? I’m just having a shitty week and I need to relax. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go take a bath.”
“Fine. Do whatever you need to. This is your house, not mine, so you can do whatever you damn well please.” I headed to the door but before I could get out of the room he grabbed my shoulder and turned me around to face him.
“What the fuck was that for?”
“What?”
“I told you this house is just as much yours as it is mine, now why’d you say that to me?”
“I don’t know. I guess because you were being such an ass. It just seemed like the right thing to say.”
“Well, thanks for being so supportive of my shitty week.”
“Sorry, I didn’t know you were having a bad week. You should’ve told me when you called. Maybe I could’ve done something to help.”
“What, Adlee? What the hell could you have done?”
“I don’t know. Something to make you feel better.”
“Like what, Adlee? What could you do to make me feel better?”
I summoned up all of the courage inside me and said, “This,” as I slammed my lips to his.
This wasn’t like the time I kissed him in the hotel room. This time he kissed me back, but slowed the kiss down. He very gently kissed me back and I felt his hand slide up my back and twist into my hair. He softly pulled my head back and his beautiful blue eyes were staring down into mine.
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