by Linda Warren
“No, you’re his daughter—his beautiful, brave and spirited daughter. Why does that make you less of a person?”
It was weird hearing Judd say that. It was even more weird to be sitting here talking to him. Almost as if they were the only two people in the world and he understood her and her feelings.
She took a long breath and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I find it strange that you would say that. You believe every woman is beneath you, the way your father believed…and mine.”
“I’m not my father.” His eyes darkened to pitch-black.
“But you are. His beliefs have been ingrained into you from birth. You even told me that.”
“People change.”
“Yeah.” Maybe. Judd? She doubted it. She ran a hand through the dried grass and knew they had to talk about the past. It was right there between them like a boil that needed lancing. Time to get it over with. “Let’s talk about what happened.”
An eyebrow darted toward the rim of his Stetson. “We’ve killed that already.”
“No, we haven’t. We’ve danced around the flagpole without ever saluting the flag.”
“What?”
“That means we’ve talked about everything but the real issue—my leaving and the reason I felt the way I did.”
He moved restlessly. “I thought we covered that.”
“No.” She drew a hot breath from the bottom of her lungs. “I didn’t leave you for another man. I didn’t leave you because I didn’t love you. I left because you didn’t support me when I learned our marriage was arranged by our fathers. You didn’t support me when I wanted to return to college. I left because you didn’t love me. I couldn’t live with a man who doesn’t put me first and treat me as his equal. I wanted it all, and I will never settle for less.”
He rubbed the sprig of grass between his fingers. “I told you I’m not familiar with love. I’ve never had that emotion in my life.”
“Bull. Even abused kids know what love is. It’s a feeling inside the heart—a special feeling for one certain person. I know you have it. You just won’t acknowledge it.” She held up a hand. “No. You’re afraid to acknowledge it. Once you do, it makes you vulnerable to pain. And I know you suffered a great deal when your mother left you. But she came back. That’s what love is. Highs and lows. Joy and sorrow. But it’s worth every risk.”
Heat suffused her cheeks at the audacity of her words.
She waited for equally heated words to rain down on her head, but none came. He kept staring at the sprig.
“At nineteen I knew what I wanted,” Cait told him, “but I couldn’t force you to love me, so I ended the engagement. That wasn’t easy to do. My father practically disowned me, but I still couldn’t give in.” She swallowed and said the words she needed to say. “I’m sorry if I hurt you.”
He lifted his head and a rare glimpse of a smile lit his face. “I think hell just froze over.”
Her mouth twitched in response. “I do remember saying hell would freeze over before I’d ever apologize. But I’m tired of this fighting. You want revenge? Go ahead. Give it everything you’ve got. But you are not blameless.”
“Maybe not,” he muttered, and leaned back in the grass. He crossed his booted feet as if he and Cait were having a pleasant relaxing afternoon instead of reliving the engagement from hell. His snakeskin boots were dark brown and bespoke high-dollar comfort. She glanced down at her scuffed, worn ones caked with cow crap. What a difference.
Her eyes were drawn to his long legs and manhood, outlined by the tight Wranglers. It made her acutely aware of the difference between the sexes.
He gazed at her. “The night you visited Whiskey Red you said something about a magical shoe. What did you mean?”
It was hard to look away from the warmth she saw in his eyes, so she didn’t. “That was silly.”
“I want to know.”
She swallowed. “When I ran from the party, I lost a high heel. You know the Cinderella story. Maddie brought me the shoe and, being the romantic she is, said that all I had to do was slip it on and you would love me. Fairy-tale stuff.”
“Did you believe?”
Like a fool.
“No. I’ve outgrown that.” She bluffed like a Vegas poker player. A palpable silence stretched, as taut as her nerves. “May I ask you a question?”
“I suppose.”
“Why did you ever agree to marry me?”
He sat up and rested a forearm on a knee. “Have you looked in the mirror?”
Astonishment hit her in the face like a handful of manure. “You agreed to the marriage because I’m easy on the eyes.”
“Mostly. And the marriage would have been beneficial to Southern Cross and High Five.”
“Oh, yeah, that really makes my heart flutter.”
“I don’t get it. You’re fighting tooth and nail to save High Five now, but back then you walked away from it.”
“High Five wasn’t in trouble then.”
“It wouldn’t be now if you had stayed.”
“But would we still be together?” She fired back the question, her voice as fervent as a preacher’s on Sunday morning. “Without love, how would our marriage have survived?”
He lifted his shoulders. “Does any marriage come with a guarantee?”
“No, but love always beats the odds.”
“Sometimes. Sometimes it muddles the situation.”
“Not in my opinion. It makes it stronger.”
“Whatever.” He waved a hand. “It makes no difference now. Your father has pitted us against each other and I will honor the agreement I made with him.”
Judd rose to his feet and blew out a hard breath. “We can’t go back and change the past, and we certainly can’t start over. We’ve hurt each other too much.”
“Uh-huh.” She waited for an apology from him, something to ease the ache in her heart. She waited in vain.
He held out a hand and she placed hers in his big palm. He pulled her to her feet. “I’m tired of the fighting, too.” He gazed off into the distance with a thoughtful expression. “Yes, I admit I wanted revenge in the worst way, and I intended to make you pay for walking away from me and everything I’d offered you. What woman would do that? I knew without a doubt you’d come back begging.” His big chest expanded with a sigh. “You never did.”
“Did you want me to?” she asked, and held her breath.
His expression changed. “I’m not sure want is the right word. I never thought about you or your feelings. My father said you’d come crawling back and I believed him. A woman has to know her place in life.”
“Do you still believe that rubbish?”
He heaved another sigh. “No. The years and Caitlyn Belle have slowly altered my mind-set. I can’t say I’ve changed completely. Like you said, those ideas were drilled into me. I’m making progress with my mother. I give in to her because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. That has to be progress.”
“Yes. I believe it is. It means you care about her, and caring leads to love.”
“Ah, yeah, that infamous four-letter word. Keep your dreams, Caitlyn. You deserve them. For me, that elusive emotion is just that—elusive.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
“Oh, yes, it does. My scars are too deep.” His jaw tightened. “But I don’t have to live with this anger and resentment anymore. I don’t hate you, but like I said, your father has put me in the middle of High Five’s affairs, and in six months we’ll assess the situation and take it from there.”
“You don’t think I can make this ranch show a profit, do you?”
“The odds are against you. It’s been in debt too long.”
She bit her lip to keep words locked in her throat.
“Take the money, Caitlyn, and find the man you want. He’s not here.”
She wanted to smack him, shake him and, to her surprise, hug him. In a moment of clarity she realized the man she wanted was standing in front of her. And as before
, he didn’t love her. With her heart somewhere in her crappy boots she walked toward Jaz.
“Caitlyn.” She turned back. “Your father would have been proud of you today.”
Ironically, those weren’t the words she wanted to hear. Her heart had been hoping for so much more. The fairy tale loomed just out of her reach.
She swung into the saddle and headed for home. Love was something he wasn’t willing to give or didn’t know how to give. The years stretched ahead, lonely and empty. High Five had to survive. That’s what she was fighting for. But it wasn’t enough.
She still wanted it all.
JUDD WATCHED HER ride away and marveled at what a sincere apology had triggered in him. He’d mellowed. Some would say like a lovesick pup, but he knew that wasn’t the case. The honest fact was he didn’t enjoy hurting her.
Maybe there was hope for him.
He wasn’t good at sharing, and today he’d shared more with her than he ever had with anyone. It was a start, and maybe someday he’d understand what that love she talked about meant.
He seriously doubted it, though. That emotion hadn’t been ingrained in him from birth. And he didn’t know if it was something a man could learn.
For the first time in his life, he wanted to.
He reached for Baron’s reins and headed for Southern Cross. Harland and the cowboys would be quitting for the day. Caitlyn and the bull would be the topic of conversation. He had a feeling she’d been elevated a few notches in their eyes.
It would certainly cut back on Harland’s antagonism of her. Judd was sure the man was responsible for a lot of incidents that happened on High Five, like the broken fences and the broken windmill. He couldn’t prove it, but the moment he could, Harland would be gone from Southern Cross. He’d worked many years for Judd’s dad, and out of respect for those years Judd gave the man the benefit of the doubt.
He dismounted and handed a cowboy his reins. “Take care of Baron.”
“Yes, sir.” The cowhand led the horse away.
“I didn’t have to shoot that bull, after all,” Harland said, his tone boastful. “I never thought Miss Belle had it in her.”
“You’ve underestimated Caitlyn Belle.”
The gloating left his face. “Your father wouldn’t think so. He wouldn’t like a woman running High Five.”
“My father doesn’t run this ranch anymore.”
“I know. But he wouldn’t kowtow to no woman.”
Judd’s body became rigid as he tried to control his anger. “I’m telling you for the last time to leave Miss Belle alone. Southern Cross is your business, not High Five. Do I make myself clear?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Then get the stables cleaned out and I’ll attend to Whiskey Red.”
“I can give the horse a workout,” Chuck, an eager young cowboy, volunteered.
“No one touches that horse.”
“Yes, sir.” The young man stepped back.
Judd didn’t have to apologize for his actions. He owned this place, but suddenly his blasted conscience was kicking in again, like a buzzing mosquito he wanted to swat. He wasn’t sure why it was being exercised more than usual.
His father had never apologized in his life, and never cared one iota what the cowhands thought of him. He’d hired and fired them at will. It was a plan that worked well.
Until now.
There was something about respect that had to be earned. His father had never cared about respect. He had bought that, too. But Judd wanted to be different. And he started now.
Or maybe he had started earlier, with Caitlyn.
“Chuck,” he called as the cowboy strolled away, his head bowed. “Feed Whiskey, lead her into the corral and let her walk around. I’ll be out later.”
“Yes, sir.” The boy seemed to bounce in his boots as he hurried to the stables.
“You can’t be easy on these hands.” Harland spit chewing tobacco into the dirt. “They’ll take advantage.”
“That’s my business.”
The foreman saluted and walked into the barn.
Judd made his way to the house. He should check in at the office, but Brenda Sue would be there and he wasn’t in the mood. Ron, his office manager, was hard of hearing and tuned Brenda Sue out without much of a problem.
In his study, Judd grabbed the bourbon and a shot glass. Before he could pour it, the door swung open and Brenda Sue breezed in.
Damn, the woman was like lint—hard to get rid of and aggravating in the process.
“Oh, Judd, glad you’re back. Ron wants you to look at these grain prices. The supplier raised ’em because gasoline and diesel are so high, and he thinks they’re sticking it to you. I know what he means about that. My ex-husband sticks it to me every chance he gets. He’s supposed to have the kids two weeks this summer, but now he says he can only do one week. Bullshit, I told him. They’re his kids and he needs to spend time with them. I need a break. And my parents are griping that they need a break. I feel like a damn pincushion and—”
“Shut up!”
She drew back. “Oh, you’re in one of those moods.”
He glared at her and yanked the papers from her hand. “I’ll get together with Ron on this.”
“I don’t know why you have to be so rude.”
Did the woman not have a clue?
“You sound like my ex,” she continued. “He was always yelling at me to shut up.”
Judd bet the man had a constant headache. His skull was ringing in just five minutes.
“I don’t know why people are so mean to me.”
He sat down, and there went his conscience again, knocking on his door. Damn woman. He didn’t care about her problems. He didn’t want to hear one more word about her or her life. He just wanted her to do her job. Could she really not know how annoying she was?
He picked up a pen and twirled it between his fingers. “I’m going to tell you something and I want you to listen. Don’t speak. Do you understand?”
“I’m not an idiot.”
“You talk all the time. You never even take a breath. Everything is about you and your life, and it gets annoying. If you don’t want people to be rude to you, stop talking so much, and listen.”
“I don’t do that, but my ex said something similar. He was always rude, though. That was his personality. I talk a lot, I know, but that’s me. I just talk and—”
He held up a hand. “Stop.”
She stomped a foot. “I can’t.” Her face fell. “Oh, no. It’s true.”
“Judd, are you here?” His mother’s voice echoed from the hallway.
“Just ask a question and wait for a response. That’s all you have to do. Count to ten or something.”
Brenda Sue smiled, and that was the last thing Judd wanted to see. He didn’t want her getting any ideas about a personal relationship between them.
“You can be quite nice sometimes.”
“Just do your job and try not to annoy me with incessant chatter.”
“Judd…” His mother paused in the doorway, her eyes going from him to Brenda Sue. “Is there a reason you always seem to be in Judd’s study?”
“Yes, ma’am. I work for him.” She said the words slowly, as if talking to a child, and then walked out without saying another word.
Hot damn. Maybe Brenda Sue did have an off switch.
Renee’s eyes narrowed. “You’re not getting involved with her, are you?”
“No, Mom, I can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt that I am not.”
“Good.” She took a seat in a leather chair and crossed her legs. “You haven’t said two words to me since the ball.”
“And you wouldn’t want to hear those two words.” He poured the bourbon. “How about a drink?”
“No, thank you.” Renee looked at him. “You can act as mad as you want, but I know you enjoyed the party, especially your dance with Caitlyn.”
He downed the shot. “I’m not in a mood to talk about that horrid ball.”
“What do you want to talk about?”
“Nothing.”
“Surprise, surprise.”
“Don’t be cute.” He fingered the glass. Since his talk with Caitlyn, a lot of thoughts had been running through his mind. And a lot of them were about his parents. Their relationship. He couldn’t believe the question that mingled with the bourbon on his tongue.
“You told me a number of times how you and Dad got back together.”
“Yes.”
God, he needed more liquor to ask this question. He poured another shot and downed it. “Did Dad ever tell you that…that he loved you?”
Her eyes opened wide. Clearly, she was shocked. He was feeling a bit of that himself.
She scooted her chair closer, as if she was going to reveal some deep dark secret. “No. Not in all the years I was married to him did he ever say those words.”
“Did it bother you?”
“Damn right, it did. It was the main reason I left the first time. That and his affairs. A woman can only take so much.”
“Other than the fact that you would get to see me again, what did he say to make you marry him the second time around?”
“Well.” She tapped a pink fingernail against her cheek. “I was working in a diner in Abilene at the time. He just walked in and I almost lost the cookies I’d had for a snack that afternoon. He sat in my section so I had to wait on him. It wasn’t like, ‘Oh, golly gee, this is my lucky day.’ It was more like, ‘You rotten, sorry bastard.’”
“So you had words?”
“Hell, no. I wanted to see my son, so I plastered a smile on my face and asked what he wanted in my sweetest, softest voice.”
“And?”
“He looked me up and down and said I was still the best goddamn looking woman he’d ever seen. Then he glanced out the window at the motel across the street and said how about a quickie for old times’ sake.”
“Did you slap his face?”
“Son, I don’t think you’re getting the picture. It had been seven years since I’d seen you, and he could have demeaned me any way he wanted as long as he let me see my son.”
“So you had sex with him?”
“Not before we worked out a deal. I knew he’d divorced Blanche, and I was ready to come home. We spent that evening and the night together. The next morning he asked if I wanted to get married. He made it very plain that was the only way I could see you. We flew to Vegas, did the deed and returned to Southern Cross.”