by Sharon Green
"That’s between you and Indris," Veslin said with an answering grin and a headshake after tasting his brew. "She probably won't take even a copper, not the way she's feeling, but that's for her to decide. Her husband left her comfortable enough, and with my grandsons gone off to make names for themselves, she doesn't find much that needs to be bought. She's not one to be overly interested in frills for herself."
''It's my only failing," Indris's voice came as she entered the room, carrying two bowls of something that smelled really good. "Other than that, I'm just about the perfect woman. This stew is no more than a snack for you people, to keep you alive until we sit down to a full meal. If you like, you can spend the intervening time taking baths and getting into clean clothes.''
The idea of bathing sounded better than the idea of eating, at least until I tasted the stew. Indris seemed to be one of those who used magic in her cooking, and even though missing one meal had hardly left me famished enough to eat anything not still moving, the generous helping of stew seemed to disappear too quickly. When I was through and had also finished a second cup of brew, Indris led me toward the back of the house while Veslin took Kylin in another direction. During the meal we'd learned that Indris had already sent one of the village children to get clothing that would fit Kylin, so he, too, could get straight to bathing. He and I hadn't exchanged another word during that time, which had added to my enjoyment of the snack.
Our destination turned out to be Indris's large kitchen, where a wooden tub had been permanently installed in the floor. Right then it was filled with water that had faint steam rising from it, and a nearby chair had a neatly folded white cloth resting on it. Indris gestured to the tub with a smile of amusement, so I lost no time untying my “sandals" and pulling off the tunic over my head. Right after that I was stepping into the deliciously warm water, not having consciously realized sooner how long it was since I had last been able to do that.
"I think that's what I like best about night houses," I said as I sat down, sighing with pleasure. ''You can have sex just about anywhere, but only in night houses is a hot bath or two included in the price.''
''I know what you mean,'' Indris said with a laugh, lifting the folded cloth from the chair and then sitting down with it. "It was one of the things I liked best about night houses myself. And I think I was right in my first guess about you. You're a Blade, aren't you."
It was definitely a statement rather than a question, and I smiled as I wet my chest and shoulders with the water.
"Yes, I'm a Blade," I agreed, nodding ruefully. ''Obviously not a very successful one right now, but still a Blade - named Sofaltis."
"A Blade named Sofaltis traveling with a man who won’t let her have a weapon," Indris amplified, the amusement gone from her. "At first I thought you might be his captive, but now I'm convinced your situation is more complicated than that. I - accidentally overheard him trying to apologize to you for taking the staff away. I was coming in to introduce my father, but when we heard what was going on between you my father decided it would be best if he went in alone and introduced himself. Your big friend apparently wants to make peace, even though you're not interested in the same. I know I'm intruding in something that doesn't concern me, but - Is there anything I can do to help?''
''Not unless you have a lot of influence with the King '' I said, losing a good deal of the pleasure I'd had from the bath water. "I don't want to have anything to do with that man, but I'm not being given the choice. I'm a Blade who wants to stay a Blade, but I made the mistake of being born into the wrong family in the wrong order - at a very bad time. And don't believe he's as decent as he pretends to be. He may have other people fooled, but I can see right through him."
Which was as close as I could get to telling anyone the truth of what I'd discovered. Knowing the truth might put Indris and her father in danger, and I refused to do that to them. I was the only one who could find a final answer to my problem, but so far that answer was being very successful in hiding itself.
''You've been promised to him,'' Indris said after a brief hesitation, the confusion in her eyes clearing as she understood the point. ''You're a Blade, but you've still been promised to him. Is your father so unreasonable that you can't speak to him about how you feel?''
"Right now my father has even less choice than I do," I said with a sigh, feeling the walls of the trap rising up around me again. ''He didn't know I was a Blade and by the time he found out it was too late, but it wouldn't have mattered even if he'd known. The Law refuses to accept the fact that any woman might have a mind of her own, so I’m not allowed a say in the matter. Damned if I don't have my say anyway, one way or the other.''
''I see,'' she said, clearly having heard my last words even though I'd muttered them. ''You're a Blade who's been promised in marriage, and you hate the idea so much you've decided to fight it along with everyone involved. That's why you refused to listen to that apology."
"That wasn’t my only reason," I said, looking up at the flatness of her tone. She was staring at me with an expression I couldn't quite read, one that seemed to be filled with understanding but not agreement. ''And you said you were a Blade yourself. You made your own choice about what to do with your life, but how would you have liked it if someone had tried to force you into the choice? Would that have been fair just because you're a woman?''
''You might say I was forced into the choice," she came back, smiling faintly as she rose from the chair. ''I didn't want to give up being a Blade any more than you do, but I was forced to change my mind. I'll pour us some tasil and then tell you what happened."
She went to the wide hearth and lifted a tasil pot that was sitting close enough to the fire to keep its contents warm, then poured the pale brown liquid into two cups. When she handed me one of the cups, I found that she'd gotten that perfect balance of really good tasil: light enough not to be bitter, heavy enough to have body and taste. It had also been made with the faintest hint of honey, an enhancement rather than an addition.
''That's much better," she said as she sat on the chair again, having tasted the tasil herself. "Stories come out more easily when you have something to wet the path of the words. As I began to say a minute ago, I was a Blade who felt the way you probably feel now: I'd earned something most women don't, enjoyed having and being that something, and had no intentions of giving it up. It didn't matter to me what other women did with their lives, I wasn't like other women so their standards didn't apply. And then I met Javin, who had been invited in by our Company captain, to make whatever might be needed by any of our Blades."
She sighed as she said that, sipping at her tasil, the look in her dark eyes having begun to recede to another time and place.
"My sword had gotten badly nicked in the last fight we'd been in, and honing it had done more to weaken it than sharpen it up again,'' she continued. ''I went to Javin's tent to see if he had anything I'd be willing to put in my scabbard, and found that his work was the best I'd ever seen. We dickered a while over the price of a sword, came to an agreement, and then Javin asked me to have the evening meal with him. I'd liked the looks of him right from the first, so thinking he had nothing but sex in mind I accepted his invitation.
"That meal was the first of many, but it didn’t end with the sex I thought it would. I didn’t understand why Javin hadn't made the suggestion, but since he took care of it a few nights later the point didn't seem important. Back then I didn't really understand how some men think, and maybe that was for the best. If I'd known what he had in mind, I probably would have run.
''It was the very day my sword was ready that he decided the time was right," she said, sighing deeply a second time. "He arranged a special meal for us in a high-priced tavern in the good part of the city, paying for a private room, and when the meal was over he asked me to marry him. The first thing I did was laugh, thinking he was joking, but when I saw that he was serious I immediately refused. I was a Blade, you understand, and even though I felt th
ings for Javin that I'd never felt for any other man, all I wanted was to stay a Blade.
"Apparently Javin had been expecting that response, and had his arguments and explanations all ready. He told me that he hadn't invited me to bed those first couple of nights because he wanted to get to know me without sex getting in the way. Like a lot of men who had sex any time they wanted it, he was trying to find out if his interest went beyond rolling around in bed. Once he found it did he didn't have to abstain any longer, and was at the point of wanting to marry me. I was upset and I refused him a second time, and that was when he explained why he thought I was wrong.
''He said he could understand my not wanting to give up what I'd earned, but if I looked at the question carefully I'd find that it was my duty to do it anyway. Special women show themselves to be special by what they accomplish, but they have to work so hard doing it that they don't want to give up what they've earned after they've earned it. That usually meant the women's abilities were lost through not being passed on to their children, leaving only the second-rate to pass on what little they had. It wasn't fair that a woman who was a Blade couldn't pass on her abilities while continuing to be a Blade the way men did, but it was women who were made to bear children and nothing could be done to change that. I had gotten what made me me from others who hadn't refused to pass on what they had, but I wasn't willing to do the same for those who were supposed to come after me. I'd had the opportunity to show what I could do, but if I refused to allow others the same chance there was nothing more anyone could say. He took me back to my barracks then, and for the next week didn't even try to talk to me.''
''Probably in an effort to increase the guilt he'd piled on you,'' I said, disliking the entire argument she'd been subjected to. "I wonder how fast he would have given up being an armorer if your positions had been reversed. I've noticed that when people talk about duty, they usually mean other people's duty, never their own.''
"It so happens that was exactly the way I felt,'' she said, smiling now with increased amusement. "I thought he was trying to talk me into something he'd never do himself, and then I found out what he'd neglected to mention: he'd been a Fighter and a damned good one, but had given it up when his abilities as an armorer had been discovered. I heard two of the Company Blades talking about it, how hard it was supposed to have been getting him to give up using weapons in favor of making them, but they were damned glad it had been managed. The new abilities he exercised helped everyone rather than just himself and those few around him, and hearing that really did make me stop and think. The world wasn't a pleasant enough place to make many people want to sacrifice themselves for it, but maybe it was that unpleasant because so many had refused the sacrifice in the past. And then I asked myself just exactly what it was that I was being talked into giving up."
''Why - you were being talked into giving up your life and your freedom," I said, stumbling over the words her eyes had challenged me to supply. ''You had earned the right to be a Blade, and should have been left to be that in peace. Instead you were being urged to trade freedom for the chains of marriage, the chains your ability had until then let you avoid. It simply wasn't fair."
"And fairness is important," she said with a nod, still smiling. "It didn't matter that I had to be better than the men around me in order to be a Blade in the first place, because it wasn't a matter of fairness - it was a matter of survival. But we were discussing what I was being asked to give up, and my view of it then doesn't quite match yours now. I wasn't really being asked to give up what I'd earned, because I'd already earned it and nothing could change that. If I'd stayed with my Company, I would have kept active Blade status - until the day I lost it in a fight the permanent, final way. And as far as freedom goes, do you need to be in one special place doing one special thing in order to be free? If you're really free, you’re free wherever you are and whatever you're doing. I discovered that I wanted to exercise my freedom with Javin, and never found myself regretting the decision.''
''A decision that was still made by you,'' I said, finding that I didn't care to dwell on what she'd said. "It wasn't one made for you by others without once asking your opinion, making you feel like an unimportant, unconsulted slave. Paying back what you owe isn't quite as easy when you’ve been made to feel you don't owe anyone anything."
''I can see where that would make a difference,'' she granted, her gaze touched with a trace of sympathy. ''Javin did his best to try forcing me into wanting to marry him, but if his plans hadn't worked he wouldn't have accepted an unwilling bride. Have you told your big friend anything at all about how you feel?"
"Until my throat was dry and raw with the effort," I said, nodding in disgust. "He has his own reasons for wanting to marry me, and couldn't care less that I'm unwilling. That's one of the reasons he's being very careful not to let me get my hands on a weapon. He knows what will happen if I do."
''You say he doesn't care that you're unwilling,'' she came back, considering the point with a frown. "I know this probably won't make much difference to you, but - have you considered the possibility that he can't give you up? He seemed to be trying awfully hard to smooth things over, which he wouldn't have done if he simply didn't care. Any man can take an unwilling bride, but to take an unwilling Blade? When he knows what she's capable of? Either he has to be completely insane or so helplessly in love that no one can tell the difference. Which do you think it is?''
She was looking at me with her head to one side, the question hanging in the air between us, that faint smile doing nothing to help me think. It was preposterous to suggest that the big fool might be in love with me, but what she'd said…Why was he insisting on going through with it all? Simply because he was an enemy? But being an enemy didn’t mean he was stupid, and surely he knew how close I was getting to deciding to end my problems by ending him? If I killed him without witnesses around it was conceivable I might get away with calling it an unfortunate accident, which would leave his people out in the cold - right along with his unmoving carcass. And if what I thought didn't matter to him, as it shouldn't have, why did he continue to insist that it did? In order to fool me? But if I wasn't being fooled, why didn't he stop? And why had he been so upset about not having satisfied me? Because he was pretending to be nice? But why pretend? Why, why, why, why, why?
"Maybe you'd better start washing now," Indris said, rising from the chair to take the cup I was simply holding and staring at. "That water cools rather quickly, and sitting in cold, dirty water isn't much fun."
''No, it isn't," I agreed, doing my best to push away the confusion of the thoughts rattling around in my head. It felt like I'd been sitting in cold, dirty water for quite some time, and it was going to take more than washing to get me out of it. It was going to take thinking, which I would get to as soon as I was out of that bath.
Chapter 11
I spent the time until the meal was ready in a small sitting room not far from the kitchen, relaxing in a rocking chair and trying to wade through the mire in my mind. The only clothes Indris had had to give me was a long-skirted red print dress that no longer fit her, and although it wasn't quite as long on me it wasn't in any way short or even close to the leathers I was used to wearing. I had been given a real pair of sandals to go along with the dress, but if I hadn't been so distracted the dress's very full skirt and short sleeves would have driven me close to - distraction.
I sat and rocked and tried to get my thoughts in order, but the more I thought the more confused I became. All those whys kept flying around, refusing to resolve themselves, until I was forced to ask myself some very pointed questions. Was Kylin my enemy and the enemy of my family? Yes. Did it really matter why he was doing what he seemed to be doing? No. Could it all be part of some devious plan he or his cohorts had come up with? Certainly. If I let any of it affect me, would that be disloyal to my family? Damned right it would be, so what difference did the rest of it make?
''It only makes a difference if you take up being s
tupid for a hobby," I muttered to myself, reaching for the cup of brew I'd been given to keep me company. ''If what Indris said was true and he does have some unexpected feelings for you, that only makes things worse, not better. If he'd been prepared to give up his original plans and friends, he would have said so days ago to further his cause. That he didn't say so means he won't, so all you can do is go on doing what you’ve been doing."
A beautifully clear and concise conclusion, I thought as I took a swallow of the brew. It looks like I've just decided to continue going as crazy as I've been going, but of course I could be wrong. Maybe it means I'll be going even crazier.
"Damn it, it's him you've got to drive crazy," I muttered out loud again, realizing that craziness was something I seemed to be very well qualified to deal with, and then the rest of the thought clarified itself. ''If you push him out of whatever he thinks he feels for you, he'll wake up to the danger he's in from an unhappy Blade and will probably get smart enough to walk away from the ungodly mess. If he doesn't, you can always fall back on that 'accident' idea."
That plan seemed to make a lot of sense, but I didn't have much time to put it into effect. We'd be leaving the village the following morning and would be at my father's castle not far past midday, so I’d have to -
''Indris asked me to tell you the food is ready, so why don't you come and join us now?'' a voice interrupted my thinking, causing me to look up and see Veslin. He had opened the door and stepped into the room, and smiled when my eyes were on him. ''I knocked before coming in, but when I didn't get an answer I thought you might have fallen asleep. Whatever it was you were so deep in must be fairly important.''
"Fair to middling," I agreed as I rose from the chair, taking my cup of brew with me. ''But I think I have it all straightened out now.''
''Good,'' he said with a warmer smile, opening the door wider to give me room to follow him out. I could see he had changed clothes from earlier in the day, but was still wearing the same black and white combination he’d previously had on. "If you need a friendly ear or even an opinion on something, don't forget I'm here. Evon doesn't ask that we handle all our problems by ourselves, only the ones we must."