Luca shook his head in disbelief. “But he must have wanted you Calli. How could he not? Are you telling me he never acted on it in all those years?”
“Aside from a few chaste kisses, that’s exactly what I’m telling you.” She fisted her hands and dropped them to her sides. “You don’t believe me. I can hear it in your voice. You’ve already told me it doesn’t matter to you. Why would I lie?”
Luca reached for her and tugged her little fists back against his chest, right over his heart, and covered them with his hands.
“Of course I believe you, cara. I’m just…surprised.” And isn’t that the understatement of the year, he thought. Try shocked, confused, elated, relieved, and a laundry list of emotions he couldn’t even begin to identify. Surprised didn’t seem to cover it at all. “I’m just trying to understand how a madman who had you at his mercy and claimed to love you could have shown such restraint for over a century. I know I promised to wait until you’re ready, and I mean it. But a hundred years? I’m not sure even I have that much fortitude.”
“Jacques was impotent,” Calli said flatly. “The only time the man became aroused was when he inflicted pain. Fear was like…oh, what’s the name of that drug in the television advertisements that helps men…well, you know. Fear was that drug for him. In fact, I confess I often wondered how he ever managed to get Mariana pregnant…but maybe he was different then. No, forget I said that. I really don’t want to know and it’s probably better not to dwell on it too closely. Part of him truly wanted to be different. I really believe that, Luca. I think as long as he could restrain himself where I was concerned, as long as he could continue to exert control over at least one little area, I think he still had hope. But the madness combined with his natural predisposition for evil as a Fallen was too strong for him ever to overcome. I think it’s terribly sad, really.”
Luca blew out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding in a long, low whistle. He’d seen the aftermath of Jacques’ madness up close and personal. He couldn’t ascribe any goodness to the monster at all. But if it made Calli feel better to think Rapier had some redeeming qualities, he wouldn’t disabuse her of the notion. It made no difference now. Whatever she needed to believe in order to cope, he was totally on board. They’d all noticed a softness in Calli’s attitude toward Rapier after her rescue. Kat had even suggested Calli might be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. Luca thought it more likely her generous heart always managed to find some sliver of goodness in everyone. Even a murderous psychopath. No wonder that bastard had loved her. His brows drew together.
“What about the witch, cara? I thought they were sleeping together?”
Calli looked away and this time she colored to the roots of her hair. “Well, I think Miranda liked things, a little, um…rough. Some sadomasochism, a little Dark Magick and voila! Jacques Rapier at her service. Literally.”
“Sadomasochism, Cal? And exactly how do you know about sadomasochism?” Luca schooled his features into a stern expression.
“I told you, I read a lot!” She gasped as Luca suddenly lifted her clear of the floor. He spun her in circles and threw back his head, chuffing out a laugh of pure relief.
“You’re making me dizzy!” she squealed. Luca set her on her feet, but kept his arms around her, holding her close, and breathing heavily.
“For someone who claimed it made no difference, you’re awfully happy to discover I’m as pure as the driven snow.”
Luca buried his fingers in her hair, and stroked his thumbs softly along her jawline until she finally raised her eyes to his.
“I am incredibly happy, cara, that you are, as you put it, as pure as the driven snow, but not for the reasons you’re obviously thinking. I haven’t exactly been a monk, so it would stretch the limits of hypocrisy if I held you to a different standard, don’t you think?”
“I know you weren’t a monk, Luca. Kassian said you were a man-whore,” Calli added quietly. “While I’m not familiar with the term itself, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what it means.”
“Your brother has a very big mouth,” Luca grimaced. “For years after I believed you were dead, I lay awake nights wondering what horrors you’d had to suffer before you found release from this world. I couldn’t share it with anyone. Your family was my family, and they were suffering enough without me adding to it. I was so angry, Calli. So angry. I was angry at you for leaving. I was angry at myself because I hadn’t been there to save you. Anger was the only thing I allowed myself to feel for a long, long time. Otherwise, I think the grief would have destroyed me. Finally, I managed to find some kind of peace in believing that however bad it had been, at least you were beyond it in death.”
“You thought about me? You…missed me?”
“Not all the time,” Luca chuckled without mirth. “Only when I was breathing.”
Calli blinked rapidly and swallowed hard.
“When my father lost Lilly, he escaped into his anguish until it killed him,” he continued in a hoarse voice while staring fixedly at some invisible point on the wall. “Yeah, I know now there were other forces at work, but I sure as hell didn’t know it then. All I knew was I hadn’t been important enough for him to want to live. And I feared if I allowed myself, I could go down that same road. I made a conscious decision not to…feel. I got to be so good at it, even I sometimes had trouble recognizing the real Luca Fiorelli from the fable I’d created. No one ever understood how much I buried inside except maybe Mac and your mother. Alec to a lesser degree. And no one else ever got close, at least until Kat came along. She had my number in no time and wormed her way right into my heart. Heaven knows it’s next to impossible to hide much of anything from my sister and her gifts.” He took a deep breath. “And then there you were. Alive. That’s when it hit me, that for all of those endless years I believed you were beyond pain, you were still living a nightmare and I hadn’t done a damn thing to stop it. I’d given up, simply gone on with my life. I should have known you were still out there somewhere. I should have felt it, should have kept looking. It ate at me from the inside out and then, being in your company hurt. It was like looking into a mirror and seeing nothing except how badly I’d failed you. Dio, Calli, how I failed you. I am so sorry.”
He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her hair.
“So you see, my happiness isn’t for myself. Having you alive and in my arms is the only happiness I’ll ever ask for, and more than I ever expected. My happiness is for you, that you were never subjected to any of the horrible scenes my imagination painted in my head.”
“Oh, Luca,” Calli choked. She reached up to stroke his hair as though comforting a child. “It wasn’t your fault. None of it. Whatever did or didn’t happen, it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. You and Kass went hunting for Jacques, you could have done no less. I went to help Mariana. I could have done no less. We all acted in accordance with our natures. It was simply an unfortunate series of events and decisions that culminated in my being in exactly the wrong place at exactly the wrong time. No one could have known I still lived after all these years. No one. You have to stop blaming yourself for things beyond your control and let it go.” She nudged his head up and offered him a small smile. “If it makes you feel any better, my memories of you were what got me through the worst times. It never occurred to me you would ever think about me once I was gone. I was sure you saw me as nothing but a reckless child. I never believed I would even see you again. Still, keeping you alive in my heart gave me something to hold on to. Even now, it’s so hard to believe it’s over that sometimes I wonder if I’ve finally lost my mind and simply imagine that Jacques is dead and you’re here. Maybe I’m really still locked in a room waiting for a madman to join me for tea.”
Humbled by her confession, he pulled back and looked directly into her eyes. “If you’ve lost your mind and this is all a dream, carissima, I’m right here with you and no one better try to wake me up. Jacques is most definitely de
ad. I’m most definitely real…and you are most definitely here. We can’t change history, so I guess the only thing we can do is try to put it in the past where it belongs. Not anything I’ve been especially good at, but I’m trying. I probably don’t deserve you, Cal,” He smiled. “But I’m keeping you anyway.”
“Luca,” Calli shifted from one foot to the other and looked everywhere but at him. “The women you’ve been with…”
“Over. In the past. Completely forgotten. None of them were anything but illusions, Calli. They weren’t you.”
“I’m very happy to hear that, Luca, but you do realize you’re doing it again?”
“Doing what?”
“Not listening. I fear it’s a habit that will be impossible for you to overcome,” she sighed.
“Sorry. What were you saying?”
“Well, those women…they were all…I mean they knew how…well…they were all very…experienced, weren’t they?”
She wrung her hands together with such concentration, he was afraid she might snap a bone. He suspected where this was going but she needed to say it. She needed to get over her shyness with him. She needed to know she could talk to him about anything.
“I suppose so,” he returned in a thoughtful tone, struggling to keep a straight face.
“I see. Well, I, um…that is, I’ve read books, of course, dozens of them in fact, but in actual practice, I…” She bit her lip and swallowed hard.
“Just spit it out, cara,” he encouraged. “It’s okay.”
“Hell and damnation, Luca. I have no idea what to do. I’m so afraid I won’t be any good at it and you’ll be disappointed!” She clapped a hand to her mouth and regarded him through eyes as round as silver dollars.
“Calli,” he began. He had no clue what would be the right thing to say. He did know if he laughed now she would be mortified and hurt beyond measure. But it did require a good deal of discipline on his part.
“You worry about the most ridiculous things.” He said at last, capturing her hands against his chest again to still their nervous motion. “It’s not rocket science. It’s as natural as breathing, and you could never disappoint me. But really, if you’re worried about it, maybe we should just keep practicing until you get the hang of it. Practice makes perfect, cara.”
He bent his head to capture her shocked gasp in his mouth with a long, searing kiss. She opened readily to his seeking tongue as he stroked and plundered, and when she tentatively stroked back, he hauled her against him tightly. They were so close he could feel the heat from her body, her rapidly accelerating heartbeat, and the force of the breath rushing into her lungs. When she moaned low in her throat, the sexy sound nearly pushed him over the edge.
Luca’s lips left hers and traveled across her cheek as softly as the brush of a butterfly’s wings.
He swept aside the heavy curtain of her hair and began to work his magic along the smooth column of her throat. He licked and nibbled and Calli automatically tipped her head back to allow him better access. She sagged against him, fisting her hands in the front of his sweater to maintain her balance. Luca hooked one arm around her waist to hitch her even more intimately against him, leaving her in no doubt about the state of his arousal. His other hand snaked beneath her shirt to splay across the soft, warm skin of her lower back, pressing into the sensuous curve of her spine to hold her in place when she began to move restlessly against him. She slowly and daringly bunched his sweater up in her hands until her fingers touched the skin of his stomach. She slid her hands under the sweater and over his chest, and he couldn’t control the swift intake of breath when her nails accidentally scraped lightly over the hardened nub of his nipple. He tore his lips from the temptation of her throat and rested his forehead against hers, his breathing ragged. Against her palm, his racing heart beat a rapid tattoo, and he could see by the pulse beating at the base of her throat, hers galloped as well.
“Did I do something wrong?” Calli panted.
Luca could manage nothing beyond a heartfelt groan. He sucked in great gasping gulps of air in an effort to rein in his raging desire. Slowly. He’d promised himself he would take it slowly. But damn, if she ground her hips against his groin one more time he was going to explode, both literally and figuratively. He could barely think with wanting her. He felt her trembling and saw the uncertainty on her expressive face. Still, he couldn’t pull in enough air to speak.
“Remember I told you it was as natural as breathing?” He sent the question into her mind. She nodded.
He peeled his lips back, and she trembled in his arms all over again. “You’ve got a great set of lungs, dolcezza.”
“Really?” A slow, satisfied smile spread across her face. “You know, Luca…I had a lot of time on my hands. I read an awful lot of books. I really can’t believe it’s physically possible to achieve some of those positions. I learn much better by example. What do they call it these days? A hands-on approach? I hope you’re up to it, because I think I’m going to need to practice…a lot.”
Luca didn’t hesitate. He swung her up into his arms and headed for the stairs. She curled into him like a contented kitten and her soft lips blazed a path along his throat and collar bone as he climbed. He finally reached the top breathing like a horse that’d just run the Palio di Siena. Funny, he didn’t remember those stairs being so steep. His leg muscles quivered so badly he was simply thankful his knees hadn’t buckled and sent them both tumbling to the bottom. Hell, they’d barely done more than kiss and he was already so aroused he felt as if they’d indulged in hours of foreplay. Merda! He wasn’t some innocent teenager about to get laid for the first time. But Calli made him feel as though he was. And even though it really was her first time, she’d read all of those damn books. God only knew what kind of expectations she might be harboring in that virginal little head. He felt like he had a helluva lot to live up to. He set her on her feet next to his bed and took a deep breath that didn’t steady him at all. He’d never felt so unsure of his next move. Then again, he’d never been so emotionally invested in taking a woman to his bed. It scared him. That, too, was an unfamiliar feeling. He scraped his moist palms along the sides of his jeans, combed his fingers through his hair, and cleared his throat. Then he risked a glance into Calli’s adoring, trusting eyes and found his balance. It would be all right. This wasn’t about performance, though he would make damn sure she found pleasure. This was about finding the lost part of his soul. This was about loving Calli.
He tucked her hair behind one ear and allowed the sensitive tip of his forefinger to trace the line of her jaw until he reached her mouth. He rubbed his thumb along her full, lower lip and the tip of her soft, pink tongue flicked out to taste him. He almost lost it. He groaned low in his throat and a shudder moved through him. A sly, secret smile crossed her lips. She seemed to have quickly figured out precisely the effect she had on him and enjoyed it immensely.
“Luca?”
She boldly ran her hands under his sweater and up his chest. The heavy muscles quivered under her touch. She stared at his face. The chiseled jaw, the high cheekbones, and that intriguing cleft in his chin that made her heart flip-flop. The long, smooth expanse of his throat. She licked her lips remembering the feel of it under her mouth, the salty taste, kissing the delicious spot where it joined his shoulder.
“I don’t think I’m afraid anymore.” She began working the hem of his sweater up his body. She wanted to see him, all of him. At this moment, she wanted it more than she’d ever wanted almost anything in her life. She was tired of feeling like a victim, tired of hiding inside herself, always worried about saying or doing the wrong thing. There was still a lot she didn’t know about this strange new century, but she learned quickly. She was bound to make mistakes, but she had a family who loved her and now she had Luca, too. It was time for Callista McAllister to take back her life, starting right now. She reached his chest and gazed up at him with fire in her eyes. “Off. Now.”
His eyes widened at her sud
den audacity, but he didn’t question it. His sweater flew over his head and sailed across the room so fast she never saw him move, baring his glorious body to her eyes and hands from the waist up. She took full advantage as she stroked and traced his naked skin with gentle curiosity, learning him, memorizing the feel of him. The lean muscles of his abdomen twitched in appreciation of her bold exploration. When her hands dropped to his waist and tugged at the button of his jeans, he grasped her hands with his own.
“Slowly, dolcezza. We have all night. Now, your turn. Fair is fair.” The corners of his mouth curled and he pulled her close for a lingering kiss. While his lips and tongue explored the contours of her ear, his fingers tugged her sweater up and over her head and tossed it in the direction of his. She was glad she’d worn the red lace even though it had seemed positively indecent when she’d first put it on. The bra cupped and lifted her generous breasts as though offering them up for his approval. Suddenly she remembered something and her hands snaked up between them to cover her chest.
“What is it, amore?”
“It’s…it’s so ugly, Luca. I don’t want you to see it.” She whispered miserably spreading her fingers over the top of her right breast. He’d seen it before, of course, Luca had been the one who pulled Jacques Rapier’s dagger from her chest in the first place. But at the time, she’d been more concerned about living than loving. Earthbound healed quickly and completely from most wounds, but Jacques had carried a Hell-blade. Fortunately, the blade had passed through Jacques thick, fibrous black wing before imbedding itself in Calli. Otherwise, she would be dead. But because it had been a Hell-blade, she would never be perfect like the other women Luca had taken to his bed. She would always carry the scar.
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