by Mark Edwards
‘Shut up.’
Nina cowered and looked left and right. She was poised, ready to run, to try to escape. But it was too late. Jessica was too close.
She grabbed hold of Nina’s arms, tried to push her, and Nina must have found strength from somewhere – her survival instinct kicking in – because she pushed back, surprisingly strong. Jessica staggered, but still had hold of Nina’s arms, and she pulled her towards her, until their faces were almost touching, noses an inch apart. Jessica could smell the sour stench of alcohol on Nina’s breath, was so close she could see the red blood vessels in her eyes.
Nina pushed but Jessica pushed back. And though Nina was fighting for her life, Jessica was stronger. Locked together in an embrace, they stumbled towards the edge of the building. From somewhere below, Jessica became aware of a siren, the wail of an ambulance, coming closer. She got hold of the front of Nina’s coat and, grunting with effort, pushed her towards the precipice. It loomed up behind her, the drop, the plummet into certain death, into oblivion. Nina cried out, a final wordless plea, and Jessica tensed her muscles, poised to give that final shove, to let go, to send Nina flying towards her end.
Something cold passed through Jessica’s body.
It felt like someone stepping through her, like ice dragging across her guts, her lungs, her heart. She froze. At the same time, Nina’s eyes went wide and she gasped in shock, like she’d felt it too.
Jessica let go of her.
Nina remained still for a second, mouth open, then she scrambled away from the lip of the building, falling to her hands and knees, panting and retching. Jessica sank to her haunches. The wind had picked up again, and a blast of cold air made her fall forward on to her knees.
Nina lifted her head. ‘Did you feel it too?’
Jessica felt like she was emerging from a deep sleep. From a nightmare. She blinked at Nina.
‘Did you?’ Nina asked. ‘Did you feel it?’
Jessica nodded. ‘It was the wind. Just . . .’ She broke off, unable to speak. She thought she might vomit and had to fight to hold it back.
Below them, down at street level, the sirens grew closer, then stopped. The ambulance was here. Maybe the police too.
Nina hugged her knees, trembling with shock, opening and closing her mouth several times before she could find any words. She started to talk and it took a second for Jessica to tune in.
‘. . . swear it was an accident. I tried to grab the phone because I couldn’t let Izzy call the police. But it wasn’t because I was worried about not being a model. I did it for Izzy.’
Jessica was trembling too. She could still feel it. That cold that had passed through her. A tiny shard of ice lingered inside, embedded in her heart.
‘Gavin threatened me,’ Nina went on. ‘After what happened at his studio, when Amber dragged me out of there, he called me. I thought he was going to try to justify what he’d done. Maybe even apologise. But he threatened me.’
Jessica still couldn’t speak. She could hear voices below, men. The paramedics, she guessed, come to help Amber.
‘You know Gavin went to one of Izzy’s classes with this girl he was seeing? Carmen?’
Jessica was just about able to nod.
‘Well, Gavin said that if I told anyone what had happened, he would ruin Izzy’s business. He knows a lot of journalists. He’s mates with the editors of most of the tabloids. He said they’d love a juicy story about sex in the suburbs, and that he had already sounded out one of his editor mates. He was going to get Carmen to say she was sexually assaulted at one of the classes, that Izzy had touched her down there. And Carmen was only, like, sixteen at the time. She was still at school.’
Jessica finally spoke. ‘What?’
‘She looked a lot older – I thought she was in her early twenties. And, of course, it was legal for him to sleep with a sixteen-year-old, but Izzy’s classes were meant to be for over-eighteens only. There’s no way her business could have survived the scandal.’
Jessica heard a door slam below them.
Nina must have heard it too, as she spoke faster. ‘That’s why I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t risk letting Gavin destroy Izzy’s business. She’d just been through loads of crap with my brother and she was fragile, Jess. And I couldn’t tell Izzy about the threat because I knew she’d go mental, that she wouldn’t be able to resist storming round to his studio and making everything worse.’
Jessica closed her eyes. She could see it. Izzy giving Gavin a piece of her mind.
Nina crawled closer to Jessica.
‘I can’t describe it. What it was like, seeing her fall. The shock of it. I looked down, saw the blood, the way her neck was . . . twisted. I knew she was dead. She had . . . Her phone was lying on top of her body, her hand half-covering it. Oh God, if I hadn’t tried to grab it.’
She let out a terrible keening noise.
‘I’m so, so sorry,’ Nina said, wiping her face with her sleeve and composing herself. ‘I don’t know how to express how sorry I am. But do you believe me? That it was an accident?’
Did she? Jessica was finding it hard to think. She stared at Nina, who had her arms wrapped round herself, crying again. Jessica forced herself to process what Nina had said. The detail about Gavin threatening Izzy’s business, the terrible irony of it, seemed too elaborate for Nina to have invented. And Jessica could see it happening exactly as Nina had described. She’d seen Isabel sit on that balcony railing before, lifting her feet off the ground, completely unafraid.
The door to the rooftop opened and a uniformed policewoman came through.
‘Yes,’ Jessica said. ‘I believe you.’
Nina held her breath.
‘But that doesn’t mean I can forgive you.’
‘I understand.’ Nina hung her head. ‘I wouldn’t forgive me either.’
Nina got to her feet and took a staggering step towards the policewoman, who said, ‘Are you Nina Shah? I need you to come with me.’
Before leading Nina away, the cop looked over at Jessica. ‘Are you all right?’
Jessica nodded. But it was a lie. She had almost killed someone. Almost done what she had accused Nina of. And something had happened, something that Jessica would never speak of, something she couldn’t explain. That feeling, like someone had walked through her body. It had saved Nina. And it had saved Jessica from her worst self.
‘But we still have something to do, don’t we?’ she whispered.
The policewoman said, ‘Pardon?’
Jessica smiled. ‘I wasn’t talking to you.’
Chapter 53
The photo shoot was taking place in Brockwell Park in Herne Hill. Jessica knew this because at lunchtime Gavin had posted a photo of himself on Instagram, sipping from a paper cup outside the cafe in the middle of the park. Totally stoked for today’s shoot! Jessica recognised Brockwell Hall, where the cafe was located. She’d been there many times with the kids.
It was three o’clock now. The sun would be going down soon and Jessica didn’t know if Gavin would still be there. She parked in a side road then walked across the park from its south-east corner, heading to the stately hall in the centre. The sky was ice-blue, clear and bright and cold. White Christmas lights were strung in the trees.
There was no sign of Gavin near the cafe, which was also decked out with festive lights. Jessica asked a young woman who was clearing tables outside if she had seen him, showing her the Instagram snap on her phone. The woman nodded and said, ‘I think they went to the lake.’
Jessica knew where she meant. Just past the little community garden and the paddling pool, which was closed for winter, were a number of small duck ponds. Jessica walked around the first pond and saw them, just beyond the spiky bare trees. A young model, posing by the edge of the lake. She was dressed in summer clothes: a T-shirt and short skirt exposing her long brown limbs.
Gavin Lawson was crouching on the ground before the model, the camera obscuring his face. A young man and woman in their early t
wenties, all cheekbones and boredom, stood behind him.
Gavin stood up and lowered the camera. He saw Jessica coming towards him but it was clear that he didn’t know who she was, which wasn’t surprising. He had only encountered her once, back in 2012, coming out of Izzy’s class with his sixteen-year-old girlfriend.
He had no idea of the impact he’d had on Jessica’s life. He probably slept like a baby, conscience clear, unaware of all the damage he had done. Not just to Izzy, but to all the other women he had taken advantage of, and to Jessica and her family too. When Gavin had assaulted Nina it was like he’d dropped a rock into a pond, and the ripples were still spreading. Darpak, Will, Felix, Jessica, Olivia, Amber, Jessica’s mum. Nina too. They were all affected. They had all been hurt, contaminated by his actions.
And now she had a plan for Gavin. But she knew she would never be able to rest until she let him know what he had done. She wanted him to know exactly why his life was about to be destroyed. She wanted him to think about it and to remember Isabel until his dying day.
Gavin lit a cigarette as the model put on a coat and approached him. He laughed at something the model said and touched her arm, his hand lingering on the fabric of her sleeve. The model wore an uncomfortable smile. It slipped as she saw Jessica approaching, storming up the path towards them. Gavin must have seen her expression change because he turned to see what the model was staring at, just as Jessica reached him.
His mouth fell open. ‘What—?’
Jessica punched him in the face. Her fist connected with his nose – there was a satisfying crunch – and she pulled back her arm to strike him again but he scuttled backwards, out of reach.
She hadn’t been planning to do that. But as she’d approached him, seen the smile on his face, evidence that he was happy, she hadn’t been able to hold back.
He wasn’t smiling any more.
He lifted a hand to his nose then gawped at his bloody fingers. The cigarette still smouldered in his other hand. The model and the two assistants stared at Jessica, but none of them rushed to help.
‘Who the fuck are you?’ Gavin wiped at his face, smearing his sleeve with blood. The male assistant rooted in his bag and produced a pack of tissues. Gavin snatched it from him.
Jessica had her arm pulled back, fist hovering beside her ear, like a cobra ready to strike once more.
‘If you’ve broken my nose I’m going to fucking sue you, you bitch. Whoever you are.’
‘I’m Isabel Shah’s sister. Remember her?’
‘What? The sex therapist? Didn’t she die?’
‘Yes, Gavin. She did.’
‘And what the fuck’s that got to do with me?’
She took a step towards him and he moved back. He was a coward. A joke. His eyes darted sideways, appealing for help, and Jessica was gratified to see how scared of her he was.
‘You don’t remember what you did to Nina? Nina Shah?’
His eyes darted across to the model and his two assistants, who were all gawping at the scene.
‘Piss off,’ Gavin said, trying to pull himself up to his full height. He had dropped the cigarette now. It lay burning at his feet. ‘Why don’t you go and jump off a fucking balcony.’
She hadn’t been planning to hit him again. Not until he said that. She leapt at him. One of the judo moves she had learned when she was a kid must have come back to her, because she reached around and grasped the back of his coat, turned sideways and pulled him into her, lifting him and throwing him to the ground. He lay flat on his back, staring up with shock, and she threw herself down, knees on his chest, and grabbed his throat. He tried to push her off but, right now, with the anger coursing through her, she was too strong. He was too weak. She squeezed, pressing against his Adam’s apple. He tried to speak but could only hiss, his eyes bulging.
She spotted the half-smoked cigarette lying on the path beside Gavin’s head, and snatched it up with her left hand.
She held the tip an inch from his face.
‘Which eye?’ she said, loosening the grip on his throat a little. He made a retching sound. ‘Which eye do you want to keep?’
He tried to thrash his head, but she pushed it against the concrete path. She lowered the burning cigarette a fraction. She was going to do it. Maybe she should do both, ruin him. No more photographs. No more staring at women. He fought against her, but it was as if her fury made her twice as heavy.
‘Don’t do it.’
The voice came from above her. It was the model, looking down at Jessica.
‘I can guess what he did to you or those women you mention, but he’s not worth it.’ She sneered at Gavin. ‘He’s really not worth it.’
The model took the cigarette from Jessica’s hand and flicked it away towards the lake.
Gavin opened his eyes. He tried to look defiant but it didn’t work. All Jessica could see was fear.
Slowly, she shifted off him and got to her feet. Gavin’s assistants hurried to his aid, and the model gave Jessica a smile, lighting her own cigarette and settling down on a bench as the scene played out before her.
Jessica gave Gavin one final look, dusted herself down, then walked back up the path towards the exit of the park.
She looked up at the Christmas lights, twinkling into life among the bare branches of the trees, and as Gavin yelled and swore behind her, Jessica was sure that she could feel Isabel walking beside her.
Isabel was smiling. ‘Nice one, Jess,’ she said.
Epilogue
Nine months later
‘Are you having a good time?’
‘It’s the best ever,’ Olivia said, reaching up and flinging her arms around Jessica’s neck. ‘Thanks, Mummy.’
Jessica hadn’t really needed to ask the question. Olivia had been running around with a huge grin on her face since the moment she’d woken up and bounced on to their bed, yelling for presents. She’d been spoiled this year, more than ever, with a new scooter, a hugely overpriced Shopkins playset and lots of cuddly toys to replace those whose eyes had been cut out back in the winter. Jessica had attempted to sew the eyes back on but her efforts had made the toys look crazed and malevolent, like taxidermy gone horribly wrong. In the end she’d taken them to the rubbish dump, whispering an apology to the stuffed animals as she chucked them into the burnables bin. But as she got back into her car she had felt a tremble of relief, as if the toys had retained a trace of the madness that had invaded their household back in November, and by having them burned she was finally exorcising that demon.
Saying goodbye to the ghost, once and for all.
It was a glorious August afternoon, the sky as rich and blue as it ever got in England, the kind of heat that made Jessica feel the need to constantly check the children were covered up or suitably smeared with sunblock. Olivia’s fifth birthday party was taking place at a city farm near Wimbledon and she and a dozen of her friends were running around, out of their minds on Fruit Shoots and pick ’n’ mix, cooing over the ducks and chickens and rabbits, clambering on the tractor. There had even been a pony ride for some of the kids, though Olivia hadn’t wanted to do it, declaring that she didn’t like ‘real’ ponies, only the plastic, brightly coloured ones she collected. The feeling appeared to be mutual, as the horses seemed a little spooked when Olivia went near them, backing up, ears flattening and nostrils flaring.
‘Izzy never liked horses either,’ Mum said to Jessica. ‘It was only you who wanted a pony. Izzy was always happier on a bike.’
‘Yeah. And Izzy got her bike. I never got my pony.’
‘You had a bike too!’ Mum said, and was about to launch into a defence of her parenting record when Jessica laughed and pulled her into an embrace. ‘What was that for?’ Mum asked when Jessica let her go. ‘Are you feeling all right?’
‘I’m great, Mum. I just wanted to give you a hug. Is that wrong?’
‘Don’t complain,’ said Pete, squeezing Mum’s arm. ‘Come on, Mo, I want to have a look at the goats.’ They wandered away.
Jessica could hear Pete telling Mum what amazing animals they are. As Jessica watched, Olivia ran over to join them, and Mum took her hand, leading her into the goat pen.
Jessica sat back down at the trestle table on the lawn near the cafe and watched the children playing. Will was standing by the fence with Felix, pointing at the cows, and he must have sensed Jessica watching because he turned his head and smiled at her, showing his new tooth. He had had a dental implant to replace the tooth Ryan had knocked out.
She blew him a kiss.
Somehow, the events of the winter had reinvigorated their marriage. She still felt a little guilty for suspecting him of murdering Izzy, and also a little angry with him for not telling her he’d seen Izzy that day. But they had talked about it to the point where they were both sick of the subject. Now they were going on more regular date nights. Even their sex life had improved, though Jessica had balked at Will’s suggestion that they try out Blissful Massage.
‘I think regular married sex is fine, if that’s okay with you,’ she had said, laughing at his look of relief.
She was about to open the newspaper again, for the tenth time that day, when Darpak came over and sat down opposite her.
‘Great party,’ he said. ‘The kids seem to be having an amazing time.’
‘Yeah.’ She smiled at him. There was a tiny part of her that still bristled at the thought of him cheating on Izzy. She had talked to Will about it and made a decision. If Izzy had been prepared to forgive him and move on, then she would too. They hadn’t been round quite so often for Sunday lunch recently, but they still saw Darpak monthly. He would always be part of their lives.
‘I miss Nina, though,’ Darpak said. ‘Despite everything.’
Nina had been arrested for careless driving after reversing into Amber. Luckily, Amber hadn’t broken anything. She was left with nothing but bruises and a head injury from where she’d hit the road, from which she’d recovered after a few days. Nina appeared in court, was fined and given points on her licence. She’d also moved down to Brighton. Not too far, but far enough that Jessica didn’t have to see her.