by M. R. Joseph
“Raphael… Yes, I called you by your name. You need to listen to me. This does happen every day. The doctors know what’s best for Bella and the baby, and they know what is safe. You need to trust them, and not upset her parents anymore.” I give him a reassuring smile, and he’s receptive to it. Taking in a few calming breaths and placing his hands on top of mine, he nods. He apologizes to Jorge and Marcella, and they hug him and tell him they understand why he’s upset. Antonio tells us he needs to go back in to Bella in the operating room, and he will come out or have someone tell us if there is any news. Before going back in, Antonio and Cruz hug, tears welling up in Antonio’s eyes while Cruz holds his brother’s face in his hands and kisses his cheek before shoving him towards the large steel doors where his wife and unborn baby wait for him.
Cruz explained to me before how Bella was his first crush when they were kids, how she was the quintessential ‘older woman’, the one he followed around like a puppy dog, the one who in those teenage years taught him the fundamentals of women. Their likes and dislikes. What not to say. What not to do. How to act in front of them, and how to play hard to get. She even taught him kissing techniques, all the while pining for Antonio. Many a fight broke out between the brothers. Cruz explained it was more of an infatuation with Bella rather than love. He didn’t believe in it like Antonio did and turns out Antonio won her heart. He says he’s not capable of it, but what I’ve seen today in the eyes of Raphael Cruz tells me otherwise.
We sit in this stuffy, smelly waiting room watching odd women with swollen bellies being transported via wheelchairs from elevators, beyond the big steel swinging doors only operated by medical staff. I’m not even sure how long we’ve been sitting here. I keep looking at Cruz, whose eyes are fixated on the elevator doors. It reminds me to ask him first who Rae is, and second what the fascination is with elevators? I feel my phone buzz in my pocket, and I excuse myself and go to another waiting room to take it because it’s a number I’m not sure I recognize.
“Hello, Harlow Hannum speaking.”
“Yes, good afternoon, Miss Hannum,” it’s a voice I don’t know.
“My name is Greg Landberg and I’m the director of human resources for the Grayson Elders School District. We received your resume which indeed is outstanding and we would like you to come in for a formal interview tomorrow. We understand that it’s short notice, but we have an immediate opening.”
A job, this phone call is for a job. To teach. In a school. In a classroom. A teacher. I need to tell Cruz.
My thoughts get away from me, and I really don’t know how long it’s been since I muttered a word in response if any at all.
“Oh, yes. I… I, um, oh Mr. Landberg, thank you so very much. I would be more than pleased to come in for an interview.”
My insides are dancing, strumming up all kinds of over-charged emotions, but I must calm myself. It’s just an interview. But this is my dream. To teach. I have every right to be all piqued.
Then it hits me. Before I can even answer with an ‘I’ll be there tomorrow’, I’m hit with the realization that if things don’t go well in that operating room, I can’t leave Cruz here. He needs me, and I can’t let him down.
“Mr. Landberg, unfortunately I do have a problem coming in tomorrow.”
“That’s too bad, Miss Hannum, because your references from your professors as well as your former employers tends to make us believe that you would be such an asset to our schools, granted our panel of principals who will be conducting the interviews agree with what I have seen and heard.”
“I’m not currently in the area, and I’m helping out a friend who has a family member in a medical crisis, and I’m not sure how things are going to turn out you see.”
Damn it, damn it, damn it.
Hospitals, smelly floors, yellowing wallpaper, blood, heartache, pain, suffering, death. It’s all here, and I’m trapped in it. Fuck.
“I understand, Miss Hannum, but unfortunately tomorrow is the only day we will be conducting interviews. The teachers need to report to their classrooms in preparation for the new school year within two weeks.”
Saddened as I am that I may be making the biggest mistake of my life, I look around the corner of the room I’m in watching Cruz with his broadness and muscle rock back and forth in that damn fraying chair like a baby, biting his lip, blowing gusts of air from his lungs, and I know I can’t do it. I can’t leave Cruz.
“Mr. Landberg, I’m so sorry but I’m going to have to…” I hear a slam and a yell coming from the next waiting room, so I peek around the corner, and I see Antonio jumping up and down crying. “It’s a boy, a beautiful boy. He’s perfect. Bella’s perfect. They are both perfect.” The brothers hug and laugh. Bella’s parents cry and hug, and it’s jubilation amongst the tiny family. Cruz searches for me and when he finds me, he smiles broadly. His bright blue eyes shining like diamonds, and he motions for me to come to him.
My heart warms, I feel a single tear fill my eye, and the beat of my heart is steadfast. I feel peaceful in this place of death and destruction.
“Mr. Landberg, what time did you say you needed me there tomorrow?”
***
CHAPTER 10
Even the tiniest of things can make you open your eyes
Cruz~
I’m holding this little thing in my arms. He’s so small, so fragile, so… Absolutely amazing. I can feel my hands shake as I cradle this, this person, yes, he’s a person. Flesh and bone. Blood coursing through his veins. There are five little fingers wrapped around my one big finger, so pink, so warm, so real.
Matteo Cruz. My nephew.
I never believed in the good things that could happen in life. I never imagined in this mixed up, fucked up world something so miraculous could appear. He wasn’t here an hour ago, and now here he is. All I’ve seen in my life is despair, death, sadness, but just holding him makes all that disappear. It’s nothing short of amazing. I look around this room watching my brother and Bella staring at me holding him, ridiculous smiles on their faces. I know what’s running through their heads. They have so much hope for Matteo, so much love for him already and they don’t even know him. How is that possible? To be that in love with someone you don’t even know. I smile when I hear his little coos and grunts. Damn, it’s cute. I stand up to hand him over to my brother, but he stops me and turns to Harlow.
“Harlow, would you like to hold him?” She’s silent, a little too silent with an unreadable expression on her face. She shakes her head no.
“No, Antonio, thank you, this is a family thing. You all enjoy him. I’m going to go make a phone call. He is beautiful though. Congratulations.” She steps out of the room and Bella and the rest of my family look a bit confused at her reaction. I hand the baby over to Tony and tell them I’ll be right back.
I walk out into the waiting room and she’s not there. I look in the other waiting room, not there either. I head downstairs and outside of the entrance to the hospital. I can see her on the phone, but I can’t make out what she’s saying. As I step closer, I can hear her say words like I can do this. I am strong. I will get through this.
I interrupt her, startling her in the process.
“Who ya talking to Turnip?” She turns and pulls the phone away from her ear and presses end on the call.
“Oh, um… Willow. I was just checking in and I was telling her about the baby.” I don’t believe her, but now is not the time for questions. Maybe I’ll confront her on the way home.
“He really is such a beautiful baby and Bella and Antonio look so happy.”
I smile at the memory of the scene that was just played out in that hospital room. Their dreams come true. First falling in love, then getting married, and then the baby. That’s all my brother ever wanted. A stable life, love, and a family to call his own.
We just stand there on the front steps of the hospital, surveying each other, wondering what to say next. Her black rimmed glasses rest carefully on her nose, and she pushes
them up further as she takes in a breathe, her long strawberry blonde strands blow wistfully around her, and I can smell the approaching rain. So I continue to stand, speechless. My mind, on the other hand, has plans of its own. I don’t even think about it, or the consequences it may have, but something inside tells me to do it, a force that’s uncontrolled by my brain, there’s some kind of Jedimind-trick type force controlling it. I have no power over my muscles, over my nerves, so I step towards her as she tucks a strand of loose hair behind her ear and turns her head in a different direction.
So I do it.
Her face cradled in my hands, my thumbs grazing her cheeks, I feel her stiffen, and then, I touch my lips to hers.
She gasps, but doesn’t pull away. I kiss her lips not like how I kiss the girls I bring home from the bars. I kiss her without opening my mouth, instead I feel like with this kiss I’m opening up my soul to her; relinquishing my thanks to her for being with me today; feeling the air from her nostrils on my face; making the slightest of moans as my lips peck at her mouth smoothly. She doesn’t protest. I feel her hands drop from their cross position on her chest to them inching their way to my waist. She grasps my shirt as I tilt my head to the left, so I can taste her lips and get a better feeling of the heat that radiates off of them.
My mind works in a mysterious way. I could care less if she pulled away from me right this second. I just needed, for some ungodly reason, to kiss her. I have never had a feeling or a desire to do something like that in my whole life.
What’s happening to me? I’m the guy who picks them up, fucks them till their knees shake and sends them home. Sometimes not really kissing them. But in this strange and fucked up universe, this woman makes me do things, feel things, that aren’t me.
As my body tends to get closer to hers, I feel her hardened nipples against my shirt, I smell her sugary vanilla scent. I wrap a strand of her soft hair around my hand as it leaves her cheek, and I snake it upwards into it. I deepen the kiss by parting her lips with my wanting tongue, and she lets me in. She fucking lets me in.
I feel like I’m falling, like I’m on one of those free fall roller coasters on the boardwalk. My stomach tightens and rises and falls with each stroke of her tongue against mine. Sinking deeper and submitting into the force. The force I call Harlow.
She breaks away from me, and it’s the last thing I want her to do. I could go on kissing her like this for God knows how long, and the thought of fucking her doesn’t even enter my brain. It’s nothing but mush right now, so kissing her just overcompensates for that longing if it ever came to that.
She steps away from me, bringing the outside of her hand to her mouth, holding it there. I drop my arms to my side and close my eyes, hoping she doesn’t run, that I didn’t scare her.
Oh, God did I just do something stupid?
“Why did you do that?” She asks me in a small voice.
“I wanted to thank you for coming here and for being with me through this. You didn’t have to. I’m not the nicest person to you sometimes, and I’m… Well I feel bad for that, and I’m sorry. So… Thank you.”
Now I wait for a slap, or one of her infamous knee-to-ball contacts, but she doesn’t. She smiles and that same drop I felt a few minutes ago, like being on the roller coaster returns, and it’s not a bad feeling, just a confusing one.
She picks up the canvas bag she’s been lugging around all day and flings it on her shoulder.
“I got a job interview tomorrow for a permanent position for this coming school year, so I have to go.”
Wow, she skipped right over the part about our minute’s long make-out session in front of this hospital, but ok.
“Well, that’s great. I’m really happy for you. But, don’t you have anything to say about what just happened?”
She shakes her head no.
“Listen, no big deal, you um, well you just experienced a great thing. A new baby came into the world. I’m sure you’re full of emotions, but I was wondering if you could take me to the bus station. I need to get home and I’m sure you want to stay, so you need your car.”
She wants me to take her to the bus station? What the hell is going on in that big brain of hers?
“You are not going back to Sandy Cove on a bus, Turnip. Take my car, and I’ll take the bus back tomorrow, besides, I have a shift tomorrow night so I have to get back before three. I would normally call out, but I’m pretty sure I have a good chance at a position on the force, so I’ll have to look good. Calling out sick won’t make it look that way.”
“Are you sure?” She asks, unsure of my request.
“Yes, I’m sure. Want to come up and say goodbye to Bella and Tony?”
She smiles. “Sure.”
We make our way up to Bella’s room and we explain about Harlow’s interview. Baby Matteo is in Bella’s arms and again she asks Harlow if she would like to hold him, and again she declines the offer. She strokes his little hand and gently lays a kiss on his knitted hat covered head.
“Goodbye little man. You are a very lucky little boy to be surrounded by so many people who love you.” As she goes to move from the bed, Bella stills her hand.
“Harlow, thank you for being here for my brother-in-law. I know he’s glad you were here. Please come back and visit us any time.”
She nods. “I will and it was such a pleasure to meet all of you, truly it was and congratulations.”
Harlow makes her way to the door, and I follow her out. I need to grab my overnight bag from the car.
We walk in silence down the hall, into the elevator and all I want to do at this moment is take her in my arms and kiss her again, but it’s not going to happen. I’m turning into the world’s biggest pussy. First, I get all mushy from holding a stupid baby. Now, not only once, but twice, I want to kiss this girl who I, sometimes, can hardly stand.
We make it to my car. Harlow gets in and starts the engine. I grab my bag and lean down into the window.
“Now text me when you get in. You may hit some traffic on the turnpike this time of day.”
She smiles. “Yes Dad, I’ll be ok.”
“Smart ass.” She rolls up the window and starts to pull away and then I remember something I wanted to tell her so I yell out her name.
“Harlow!” She stops, rolls the window back down and peeks out.
“Yea?”
“Good luck tomorrow, Turnip.”
Then she pulls away, and I’m stuck with all these emotions playing around in my head. She’s so guarded; such a tough nut to crack. That damn wall she has built up around herself is alarming. I mean, did that kiss mean nothing to her, ‘cause she sure as hell acted like it didn’t.
No time to think about it now.
Who the hell am I kidding?
I go back up to the maternity floor when I hear loud voices coming from the nurse’s desk.
Fuck! Rae’s here. She found them. Tony is yelling at her. Jorge is trying to calm him down, and I can’t believe this woman has the balls to show up here. This is what I’ve been afraid of all damn day.
“Rae, what the hell are you doing here?”
The small, fragile woman, who, in fact, is my crack-head mother turns at the sound of my voice. I haven’t seen her druggie ass in over a year. She’s missing teeth. Her skin is ashen, and she must not weigh more than ninety pounds. Her clothes are ragged and mismatched.
“Now, now Raphael, is that any way to talk to your mother. I’m here to see my first grandchild. I have every right to, tell them Jorge.” She turns to Jorge, and he shakes his head at her.
“Now come on, Rae, don’t make a scene. This is a happy day for all of us. If Antonio and Bella want you to see the baby, they will let you know. Why don’t you go home and we will be in touch.”
He gently takes her arm and steers her in the direction of the elevators. She pulls away swiftly.
“Get the fuck off me, Jorge. These are my boys, not yours, and that new little baby in there is my grandchild as much as it is you
rs, so let me see him.”
Tony is not as gentle or understanding as Jorge is.
“No way, Rae, maybe if you clean up a little we’ll let you, but until then, stay away from my family and me.”
She stumbles and slurs her words as she tries to talk. “You all thought you could keep it a secret from me. Well, people in the neighborhood talk, so fuck you all for trying to keep me away.”
Her arms flail around and she almost falls, slurring her words. Just the sound of her scratchy, smoked-out voice sends shivers down my spine.
“Fuck you all, every one of you. Mother fuckers. You have no right to keep me from the baby, you bastards. No-good, unworthy bastards. I should have gotten rid of you myself with a wire hanger. Fuck the day you both were ever born.”
Before Tony and I could react, security comes down the hall and seizes her and carries her off in the elevators. The whole time she curses and fights them, struggling in their arms. Before long, the doors close on the scene I prayed would not have taken place here today.
My first thought: thank God Harlow did not see this. She thinks my mother is some saint. Some June Cleaver who dotes on her sons. The perfect wife and mother. I shouldn’t have lied to her, but when it comes to any type of situation with a girl, it’s what I do best. I made Porter and Max swear to secrecy, they can never tell Harlow or the other girls in the house what my mother is really like. The epitome of embarrassment.
Jorge doesn’t look as worried as Tony and I do, and we agree not to tell Marcella or Bella that Rae was here. This is supposed to be a happy time and bringing Rae into the mix will only cause tension and worry.
We go back into Bella’s room. The nurses took the baby down to the nursery to clean him up and do some other shit I’m not sure of. Marcella and Jorge decide to go down to the cafeteria, so I stay with my brother and Bella.
The waiting doesn’t take long. I can see Bella’s smirk as soon as her parents leave the room, and I know without a shadow of a doubt what route the line of questioning is going to go.