“It’s not the same thing.”
She wouldn’t cry, Ava thought. She wouldn’t back Luke into a corner where he felt he had to convince her, and himself, that this would work. Because it wouldn’t. If he didn’t know that now, he would.
But for a moment, she’d allowed herself to imagine what might have been. What she might have had with Luke. Even now, maybe if he said, No. Don’t go, she might cave. She might let him convince her and give in to what she wanted more than anything. But he didn’t. Because he knew she was right.
And one day he would look at her, regret where he was and who he was with and she wouldn’t even see it. Even now, she felt that he knew this was the best thing for both of them.
So she quickly slammed the door on maybe and didn’t look back.
Luke sat on the porch listening to the sounds of the country. There weren’t many at the moment. No insects, no power tools, not even a whisper of breeze in the trees. Just silence. He looked at horses, the grass, taking in the scene and thinking he would have given it up. He didn’t know how it would go, him in the city, but he’d been willing to try. Would it have made a difference if he’d told her that?
He’d overdone it and now he was paying the price. He couldn’t even call his sister for more ibuprofen because she’d no doubt tell Nora and then he’d get the wrath of both of them. All three of them, since they’d probably bring Mia over just to make sure they had him good and outnumbered.
With nothing else to do, he sat in a chair on the front porch. Eyes closed, a beer in hand. It’d been a day since Ava had walked out of the cabin and he’d replayed their conversation to the point his head ached with it. He’d wanted to push back and push hard, because, Jesus, she’d ripped his heart out.
He opened his eyes when he heard the sound of a car coming, imaging it might be Ava. Unless she’d gotten a ride from Zach, it wasn’t. Oh, well. He closed his eyes again. It was either Nora, coming with food and TLC, even if she did badger him with her nurse rules, or it was his brother. Probably no food, no TLC, but maybe he’d hang for a while, pass the time.
The truck stopped and he watched Zach get out of the driver’s side, then Nick from the passenger.
“Hey, bro.” They climbed the steps of the porch, gave him a good once over. “You look like shit.”
“Thanks. Hand me a beer.”
“Uh, uh, uh.” Zach wagged a finger at him. “Never mix alcohol with pain meds.”
“Haven’t taken any today so pass it over.”
Zach and Nick exchanged a glance before Zach handed Luke a bottle. “Just one. Guess I owe you for the night you showed up at my door.”
Luke smirked at that and twisted off the top. “The night you were crying.”
“I wasn’t crying and holy fuck. Is that a kitten in your lap?”
“What’s it to you?” He moved his hand over the sleeping black and white kitten he’d named Night Rider.
“Man, I knew things were rough, but… wow.” Zach made himself at home in the chair to Luke’s left. Nick sat on the top step. “How’s the leg?”
“Better.”
“How’s everything else?”
Luke took a drink of the beer. He definitely wasn’t himself because it tasted like shit. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Nick shook his head. “Told you he wouldn’t admit it.”
“Admit what?” Luke asked, feeling pissy and sounding the same.
“Ava. Unless you’re such a pussy that you’re sitting here pouting and talking to a cat because you got a scratch on your leg.”
“You know what? You can both go now.”
“Pretty sure I told you to tell the woman how you feel,” Zach said. “That’s just how it is, right Nick? You gotta man up.”
Nick shrugged, lifted his beer in agreement.
“You don’t want to screw around as long as this guy.” Zach pointed at Nick.
“Watch it,” Nick said.
“Or you can sit here with your cat. Be the crazy cat man. That’d actually be funny for the campers. The crazy old army guy who lives alone with his cats because he has no balls.”
Luke closed his eyes and let his head fall back. “You know, at least Night Rider keeps his advice to himself.”
“You sure you don’t want us to walk you in?” Ava’s mom asked for the third time.
“No, Mom.” Ava stood outside the car in the airport’s drop-off lane. She hugged her mother, held on tight. For once, not minding the protectiveness. Her emotions were raw. “I’m good. You wouldn’t be able to walk me to the gate anyway.”
Her mom squeezed her tightly. “You know you can change your mind. But I understand,” she added quickly and brushed Ava’s hair back on either side of her face. “I understand. If you want, I can go by, check on him. Take him some cookies.”
Ava bit her lip so she wouldn’t cry at the thought. “That’d be nice,” she said, turning her face away and reaching for the handle of her roller bag. She hugged her dad goodbye. She’d already been through the goodbyes with her brother and Connie the night before. Had fought back tears throughout her confession, her explanations, as to why she was leaving the way she was.
And had tried miserably to put on a brave face, telling herself not to be surprised, not to be disappointed.
It’s for the best. She’d repeated that, hoping if she said it enough it wouldn’t hurt so badly. She hadn’t eaten much of her mom’s going away dinner, and barely gotten down a bite of toast this morning.
A heavy fist of tears clogged her throat as she sat on the Norfolk runway. She sipped on a Coke she’d bought in the airport, her lips quivering as she tried to suck on the straw. She could be grateful for the ties she’d strengthened with her parents. And maybe, after time passed, she’d be grateful for the time with Luke.
She couldn’t regret what she’d found with Luke, but she wasn’t too grateful yet. Not for the pain in her heart. She shouldn’t have let herself fall so hard. So deep. Now she’d have to crawl out of that hole and she wondered how long it would take.
Her flight was delayed due to weather. Even now, rain pelted the little window she shared between her row and the row in front of her. Of course it did. Of course it would rain now.
She’d come here to help her parents, but it’d also been for her. A little break, a little space from the memories of her old life. She’d thought she’d go back to New York renewed, more settled. Or maybe not go back at all, maybe go to Italy. She’d never considered she’d be going back even more unsettled. In love with someone else and even more heartbroken.
39
Walking into the barn and knowing he wouldn’t see Ava was another small ache. There were so many aches these days aside from his heeling leg, it seemed his entire existence was made up of them. Waking without her. Knowing he’d be going to bed without her.
He’d had no idea he would want to be tied to somebody in that way. Not one damn bit of an idea. Then there she was and… that was it. Everything changed. And now she was gone.
He’d wanted to yell, to tell her to save her sorry. But he couldn’t. He loved her. He’d always love her. He’d known she wasn’t one hundred percent in. He’d told himself she was just afraid of being hurt, but now he wasn’t so sure.
Maybe she wasn’t sure of him. Maybe she didn’t feel the same. If he’d had more time to convince her… That she could live here, that they could live here together and be happy. Kind of hard to convince her of anything when he was flat on his back.
Leaning heavily on a cane, Luke limped his way to the tack room, thinking he’d find his sister. He did find her, and Kylie.
“Hey,” his sister said turning to him.
“Hi, Kylie,” said shyly.
He looked right at her, saw the little girl she was. She wore pink today, what he’d learned was her favorite color. A pink T-shirt with a brown horse covering most of the front.
“Kylie and I were just finishing up. Did you need me?”
“No. Just getting
out, getting some exercise.”
The office phone rang, and he jerked his head in that direction. “Go ahead. Kylie and I can hang.”
If his sister was surprised by his offer she didn’t say anything.
“I’ll be right back Kylie. You can show Luke here, where everything goes.”
“Okay.”
Luke walked farther into the tack room, made a slow awkward turn and dropped his butt onto the trunk. Same one he’d sat on beside Ava not so long ago. But Ava had left, he thought mustering up the anger which was better than the emptiness.
“Ava left,” Kylie said, as if reading his thoughts.
“Yeah. She did.”
“I wish she didn’t.”
“Me too,” he admitted to the little girl, more than he’d admitted to anyone else.
Kylie sat down beside him. “You hurt your leg.”
“Yep.”
“But it’s getting better.”
“Yeah.” He smiled at her. “It is.”
Kylie sighed. “She was pretty.”
Luke knew she spoke of Ava and his chest tightened. Then he looked at Kylie again. Her gaze was down, where her feet hung a few inches from the floor.
“Yes. She was. So are you.”
“Thanks.” She raised her head, looked at him. “You’re sad.”
He blew out a breath. Nothing wrong with the kid’s eyes. And somehow it didn’t bother him so much to be seen. Not when it was the truth. “Yeah. I am.”
“Maybe she’ll come back.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Maybe you could go get her?”
He wanted to. God, he wanted to.
“Hey, guys,” Hannah said from the doorway. “Your mom’s here, Kylie.”
“Okay.” She hopped down from the trunk. “Bye, Luke.”
“Bye, beautiful.”
She smiled bigger than he’d ever seen her and skipped out. Hannah watched her from just outside the doorway, waved goodbye. He heard car doors slam and wheels on gravel and tried to imagine where Ava was, what she was doing. Back at her favorite deli? Eating croissants and sipping fancy coffees?
Hannah came in, picked up the bridle Kylie had left on the trunk and hung it on the wall. “She’ll remember that,” Hannah said. “Later, when Kylie’s older, somewhere that memory will be with her when the world tries to tear her down.”
“Anyone tries to tear that kid down, I’ll end them.”
Hannah smiled, kissed his cheek. “You know…Kylie’s a smart girl.”
“Yeah.”
“You could go get her.”
“It’s rude to eavesdrop and don’t start.” He started to stand, but the soreness in his leg had him staying where he was. “She’s got a life in the city. It’s better for her there, easier. It’s what she wants.”
“Women want all kinds of things, different things, when they know a man loves them. When the man they love loves them back.”
His eyes narrowed in on his sister’s. He couldn’t, wouldn’t deny that he was in love with Ava. But did Ava love him?
“And need… You’d have to be blind yourself not to see that she needs you as much as you need her.”
Not true, he thought. Otherwise she’d be here right now. “Yeah, well, she left. I get a stupid cut on my leg and she runs.”
“Just a cut, huh? You almost died.”
“I really wish people would stop saying that.”
“You know, before Ava left, I was thinking, wow, Luke’s not as surly as he used to be.”
“I was never surly. I was… pensive.”
She moved around the tack room, not addressing that, then she stopped, turned to him. “Can I ask you something?”
“As long as it’s not about Ava.”
“Why did you leave? All those years ago when you joined the Army?”
The question was sudden and shocking and he stared at her, seeing a grown woman, not a little girl. Her hair was in its customary braid, pulled around to hang past her collar bone. She wore jeans and a long sleeve shirt with the sleeves pushed up to her elbows. A few of her scars from her ordeal when she was a teenager were still visible.
Was she asking in general terms or about that last night specifically? Either way, she’d given him the opening to get it off his chest.
“I thought Nick would have told you.”
Hannah lifted her hands in an empty gesture and leaned against the wall across from him, waiting.
“We were at a football game, for the twins. I was supposed to be watching you. I didn’t. Nick got there and… well he was the one that found you. Teetering at the very top of the bleachers. The chain link guard behind was broken. You almost fell. You almost…” He shuddered unable to finish the sentence.
“But I didn’t. Luke, you were a teenager. Do you know how many teenagers are supposed to watch their siblings and don’t?”
Didn’t matter. And she was making excuses for him.
“So you felt guilty and you left. Or you felt afraid something would happen again, even worse.”
“Yeah. Maybe. That and the fact that I’d been screwing up in just about every other area. Nick told me more than once if I didn’t cut it out, DHS would step in, take you, split everyone up.”
“Mmm.” Hannah nodded and straightened the saddle blankets, taking them off the shelf, refolding and cutting them back.
“What?”
“Just thinking that sounds a lot like what Ava said to me, the day before she left.”
“What? That she was afraid she’d get hurt here? I made the path. I strung the rope. Damn it, I put in the wire for intercoms.”
Hannah turned. “Would that be the wire you were working on when you shot yourself in the leg with a nail gun?”
“I didn’t shoot myself. The damn thing misfired.”
“Uh huh. So while you were doing something for Ava, because she’s blind, you had an accident that could have killed you—” She put up her hand to stop his argument. “Could have killed you. I was there, thank you very much. And so was Ava and she couldn’t help you. Can you imagine what that was like for her? The helplessness? Feeling your blood and not being able to get help?”
He shrugged, not wanting to picture Ava afraid and helpless. “Would have been the same if I’d been alone.”
“Oh, that’s a nice thing to tell your partner in life. Hey, if I’m ever hurt, being alone won’t be any worse than if you’re with me. Very nice.”
He felt like he was being scolded by his CO instead of his little sister.
“So you had the accident because you were looking at her about to walk into a table saw instead of watching what you were doing. Is that about it?”
“It was my fault for leaving it out.”
“And if she could see, you wouldn’t have had to put it away. Do you want to go round and round with the blame game?”
“No. I don’t. I don’t blame her, damn it.”
“But she blames herself. You made mistakes that night at the football game, and fine,” she added when he raised his hand to argue. “You made mistakes before that, but I wasn’t even hurt, didn’t have a scratch on me. And you still left, afraid you’d continue to act like the teenager you were.
“You made a choice. I wonder how Ava feels, knowing it’s not a choice for her. You grew and matured. She can’t change what she is. She’ll never see. She’ll always need a certain amount of help. And she knows that anyone who cares about her will always have to be on the lookout, trying to keep her safe. Just think about it.”
“Okay, brat.” He stood, and for the first time in too many years, he reached for his little sister, pulled her into a long hug. “I love you.”
Her arms wrapped around him. “I love you too.”
“I didn’t fight for her,” he said after a moment.
“No, you didn’t.”
“I’m an idiot.”
Hannah laughed. “Yes, you are. But you can change that.”
He could. And he would.
Ava had been back in New York for a week and still felt like she was just going through the motions. She got up, dressed for work, walked to the corner coffee shop, and ordered her usual skinny mocha latte. She worked, answered questions about her dad and accepted everyone’s warm greetings on her return. Then she walked home, picking up take–out that she didn’t feel like eating.
She’d texted Luke, asking how he was. He’d answered better, asked how she was, but obviously, nothing was the same between them. She missed him. And even though she tried not to miss him to the point of misery, she did, on top of second guessing her decision to end things.
But even if he hadn’t said the words now, he would eventually. Something else would happen. She was right to end things now instead of later.
She skipped the bagel, she hadn’t been that hungry lately, and took her coffee to go. Using her cane, she made her way two more blocks then into the UN building.
“Hey! Ava!”
She cringed, not in the mood to run into her ex. She was tired. She hadn’t been sleeping well since she got back either. But she stopped, turned, with a pasted on smile.
“Hi.”
She knew by his voice he’d been a few feet away when he greeted her, but the next thing she knew, he was wrapping her up in a hard, shocking hug. She didn’t hug him back, was barely getting her balance back when he let her go.
“Wow! So good to see you. I heard you were back.”
“Yep. Here I am.” She didn’t know what to say to him, it was so odd, but she felt…nothing, really. Maybe a mild irritation at being grabbed without warning. But that was all. She felt nothing like the warm tingles she felt when Luke touched her. Her heart didn’t flutter and swell when she heard his voice.
“Ava?”
“What? Sorry.”
“I asked if you had anything interesting on the schedule today.”
“Oh. I’m not sure. I was just going up to my office.”
Before, she’d always known what was coming up. Always checked and researched who she’d be sitting in with on what meeting. She still liked her work, but maybe it had lost a little of its glitter.
Waiting On the Rain Page 29