by Queen, Roxy
Well, that’s a first. I’ve been accused of many things, but never of leaving a woman dissatisfied. “The first time is always uncomfortable. That’s pretty standard.”
“Yeah, I know,” she says. “I just thought… I mean, I’m pretty stoked about it. I mean, I did it. We did it. Like totally, completely had sex. Reese will probably throw me a freaking party and Dylan… maybe, now, Dylan and I can really move forward.”
“But…” I prompt.
“But it just seems kind of strange to just leave it like that. With the two of us, don’t you think?”
Dr. Markson’s instructions for this stage in the experiment are a little vague. We accounted for the exposure levels, up to penetration, but we didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about what to do once we successfully crossed that line. Scientifically, we’ve met our goal. Exposure therapy is a success. However, on the other hand, there’s an emotional component between Audrey and me. There’s also the fact that much of the therapy has been about teaching her how to enjoy her body. While what just transpired between us was definitely sex, in the clinical sense, it’s obvious Audrey didn’t enjoy the experience. I understand what she’s saying. I just don’t know how to go about addressing it.
“It’s not a big deal,” she says, the sheet slipping a little, revealing the turquoise lace bra I’d done my best to ignore. “I mean, holy shit, I just had sex. I. Just. Had. Sex.” Her eyes light up when she says it and that’s when it hits me. Audrey’s had sex, but she hasn’t been properly fucked.
“It is a big deal,” I say in a quiet voice. “Everyone’s first time should be special, at least a woman’s. Men are dirt-bags and getting off is fairly basic for us. You’ve worked hard for this, Aud. You deserve more.”
I move closer, morphing into something; someone, Audrey’s never experienced before. I’m not Graham, the exposure therapist - patient, analytical, and driven by a higher goal. I’m Graham, the sex expert, and I can give this woman exactly what she needs.
“Graham?” My name comes out in a question. I cup her chin with my hand and tilt her face upward.
“You deserve to be treated like a goddess, Audrey. Doted on and pleasured. Your first time should be so much more than gritting your teeth and bearing the pain. I’ve helped you every step of the way, but stopping now would be unforgiveable.”
“What do you mean?”
“When you’re ready, let me know,” I say, watching her tongue dart to her bottom lip. She trembles under my touch.
She searches my eyes—my face—and I know she senses the difference. This Graham Ward can give Audrey the experience she deserves. From the recognition in her eyes, she knows it too.
Without the slightest hesitation, she replies, “I will.” Locking me into a promise, I’m secretly thrilled to keep.
*
Beer sloshes out of the pitcher and makes a puddle on the table. Dave slides a glass in my direction and starts pouring. “Published at twenty-five. With Dr. Markson. You’re going to be huge, my friend,” he says, holding his glass up in a toast.
“Don’t jump the gun,” I laugh, but toast him anyway. The experiment is a success; and even if it weren’t, the smile on Audrey’s face when she left the apartment tonight would have been enough. She’s so proud of herself. I’m so proud of her. Dr. Markson has several follow-ups scheduled with Audrey; and I have three months to write my final paper. From there Dr. Markson will present our findings and submit to the review board.
“So is your reign of celibacy over?”
“Yeah, I suppose so.” I take a quick drink. I’m not sure I can really define the last several weeks as being celibate. I point across the room. “There’s Rachel and Cory.”
Dave hops up to meet Rachel. He’s still pretty into her, and I’m getting the feeling she’ll be around for a while. Maybe she’s even the one; and like Audrey, I’ll find myself at more and more weddings as the years go by.
I spot Cory tagging behind Rachel, blonde ponytail bobbing in the hazy light. Her fingers twist in the hand of a guy standing next to her. Must be the boyfriend, I muse. I wait for them to come over, but I see his stocking cap (yes, in May) veer to the crowd by the bar. Rachel and Cory approach the table with Dave.
“Congratulations,” Cory says. Her blonde hair is pulled back in a ponytail. “Dave just told us you’re almost done with your experiment; and it’s a success!”
“Seems like it. We’ve got a couple final assessments; but otherwise, we’re done.”
“That’s awesome. I know you’ve worked hard on it for months. It must be a huge relief that it’s over.”
I think of Audrey, of how much she accomplished. “I’m just glad it turned out so well. We’ll see what happens when we present our findings.”
Oh,” she says, glancing over her shoulder. “I gotta go.” I wave but she’s already disappeared in the crowd.
“What’s with the boyfriend?” I ask Rachel, when she and Dave get to the table.
“Eh, he’s okay, but sort of moody and quiet. It’s best they hang by themselves anyway.” She rolls her eyes and I get the feeling she’s not so into him. No wonder I’m always the third wheel.
One of the games at the dartboards ends and I stand up; ready to claim the next round. “Anyone up for a game?”
“Against you?” Dave asks, wiping the beer off his lip. “Definitely. When you lose, don’t buy that shitty beer, okay?”
“Shut up.”
My phone buzzes in my pocket, but I ignore it. The only person that texts me at night is Margaret. It’s almost become a compulsion for her. The good news (for her) is that I’m sticking to our date in two weeks. The last few of months have been crazy and I’m ready to get back to my normal life. My savings are close to running out. Even so, I’m not letting her incessant sexting interfere with tonight’s celebration.
“Best two out of three?” I ask, plucking the darts out of the board.
“Whatever, man. You can just pay my winnings now and spare yourself the embarrassment.” I give him the finger and laugh; nothing’s bothering me tonight. Audrey and I accomplished a lot over the last three months and I feel a huge sense of relief. I only hope she’s out celebrating herself tonight. She deserves it. She deserves everything.
Chapter 31
(Audrey)
“So,” Reese says, glancing at me in the bathroom mirror. “How was it?”
“Fine,” I say, fighting the grin about to split my face in two.
“Okay then, how was he?”
“He was great. Like really great.” A flash of Graham hovering over my body enters my mind and my whole body grows warm. “So patient and kind.”
“Did you get off?”
I look over my shoulder at the door, convinced someone will come in at any minute. The bar is packed tonight; Audrey had insisted we go out and celebrate. She invited the other girls, which is how we ended up in the bathroom talking about losing my V-Card. “No,” I confess. “Everything was just a little too stressful for that. It was definitely about accomplishing a goal.”
She makes a sour face. “Too bad, but I guess I’m not surprised. You guys gonna do it again?”
I shrug and comb my fingers through my hair. Graham gave me the most sincere offer today. He wants to make it right, but how do I take him up on that sort of suggestion? We accomplished the goal of the experiment, anything beyond that seems to cross a line. “I’m not really sure what we’re supposed to do from here. From some things he said today, I think he’s willing to go the extra mile.”
Reese smirks and spins around, resting her hips on the edge of the sink. “I’m going to give you some advice. If Graham is willing to keep this up for a bit longer, go for it. It sounds like he really understands. I suspect it will take a long time to find another lover as capable. You’ve waited this long, babe, to pop that cherry. Do it right. Let him do you right.”
I scrunch my nose. “It seems weird.”
“This whole thing is fucking weird, Aud, but it w
orks. Don’t just learn how to have sex. Learn to enjoy it.” I open my mouth to argue, but she holds up a hand. “And don’t mention Dylan. Trust me; he’ll be happy with the results, too.”
Reese is right. If I had sex with Dylan today, I think I could do it, but it would most likely be an awkward mess. Familiar nerves flutter in my belly at the thought. I want to be ready for him, like really ready. I want to be an active participant, not a scared girl bracing for impact.
“You’re right,” I say.
“Duh,” she says, with a goofy smile. “Come on, I’m sure Jessica is out there reminding everyone the exact shade of lipstick to wear.”
“Ugh, I can’t believe she sent three emails last week.”
“Really? I can’t believe she didn’t send more,” she says, pushing open the door. We’re assaulted by loud voices and bar music. “Two weeks. Then it will be over.”
I follow her out and think, two weeks until the wedding, until I’m alone with Dylan. If I can talk Graham into two more weeks, I’ll be a new woman by that time. One ready to have fun, have sex, and enjoy the rest of my life.
*
Graham doesn’t call me back until the next morning. I get the message while I’m teaching reading to a group of first graders, so I let it go to voice mail. He sounds groggy; worse than I feel, and I’m pretty sure he had a late night, too.
I text him on my lunch break, paranoid to call him near any of my co-workers. Ultimately, I’m calling up a guy to arrange a date and time for sex. I don’t need this sort of thing to travel around the gossip circles of the school, even if I only have five days left of my student teaching assignment.
I’ve asked him to meet me, preferably at the apartment. It only takes a moment for him to reply. Yes, he says. After school?
I don’t allow myself a second of hesitation before I reply, “Yes.”
There. Time set, no turning back now. I shouldn’t be nervous. Nothing is happening that I haven’t done before. Nothing that is harder than what we’ve already been through.
Someone needs to tell that to the butterflies in my stomach.
“Hi,” he says the moment I enter the room. “How was your weekend?”
“It was good. Wedding plans with the girls. Reese got everyone drunk. You?”
He shakes his head. “I hung out with my roommate and his girlfriend. I was the typical third wheel.”
I laugh because it makes no sense that this man doesn’t have a girlfriend; except I know he’s had to put that all on hold for me. Even so, there’s no reason for him to be alone. Someone has to be waiting for him when this is all over.
“Is everything okay?” he asks, in reference to my calling this meeting. The couch is between us, and I grip the back for support. Never in my life have I propositioned a guy. Never. However, here we are and the words are caught in my throat. “Audrey?”
“I want to take you up on your offer.” I swallow, wishing my face doesn’t feel like it’s about to burst into flames. “For sex. More sex. Real, um, sex.”
He lifts an eyebrow and his hand moves to the back of his neck. Shit, I think, he’s going to reject me. I must have heard him wrong. He did not make that offer the other day. Except he did. And he doesn’t reject me. He says, “Yeah, yes. Okay. Good. I was really hoping you’d say that.”
“You were?”
While I’m still hashing this out in my head, he’s moves around the couch, closing the distance between us. “I’m happy with our results, on a clinical level, but with your experience with pleasure, there’s more to sex than just the physical act.”
I know this, of course. I’ve spent hours in Dr. Markson’s office talking about my adolescent fears of pregnancy and losing my virginity to the wrong guy. How it was always more to me than just getting it over with, like my friend Mary. How I didn’t want to be treated like an object. I shouldn’t be surprised that Graham knows that I need more to complete this experiment on my terms.
“You asked me once before what I would do with a normal woman. I’d like to start there.”
I nod, and like that, I sense a subtle shift. Graham’s eyes rake over my body, igniting desire that travels through my body like a flame. I smell the soapy scent of his skin as he reaches for me, placing a hand on the back of my neck.
“God, you’re beautiful,” he says, stroking my hair back with his free hand. I wonder briefly if he means it, but I guess it doesn’t matter. It feels real and all my questions disappear when he lowers his mouth to mine. He kisses me once, and then again, his soft tongue teasing against the tip of my own. Through a simple, sensual kiss, he has me panting, craving his mouth on mine.
Graham’s hands travel down my sides, gently exploring while his tongue finally enters my mouth. I press my hips to his, seeking pressure, but his only response is the involuntary hardening of his cock and his nimble fingers lifting up my shirt. They brush warm and soft against my belly.
“Come on,” he says, hand twisting in mine. I follow him across the apartment to the bed. “Sit here.”
I follow his directions, sitting on the edge of the mattress. My shoes slip off tumbling to the floor. He kicks off his own and moves between my legs, bunching my skirt up to my thighs.
“I always knew it would be worth it,” he says, leaning forward and resting his palms flat on the mattress. “From the moment I laid eyes on you, I wanted to take the sadness away, to make you whole.”
I caress his cheek and stare into those pools of blue. “You did. You have helped me in so many ways.”
With his help, I remove my top, exposing his favorite hot pink bra. He smiles in approval as I very busily tackle the buttons on his shirt, one by one, until his magnificent chest is revealed.
I lick my lips.
“Whatever you’re thinking about,” he says. “Do it.”
Encouraged, I lean forward and flick his nipple with the tip of my tongue, before moving to do the same to the other. His abdomen clenches tightly and his dick has decided now is the time to make an appearance, straining hard against the fabric of his jeans. I unbutton his pants while kissing his chest, making sure to focus on his tender brown nipples again.
A wave of impatience rolls over Graham and he yanks down my skirt. I’m reeling from the speed of his movements as he kicks off his jeans, revealing a lack of boxers or shorts. His cock, lunges at me, apparently hot and ready, finally freed from the constraints of our prior arrangements. For the first time in my life, I’m not afraid of a penis. This one has been inside me. This one knows me. I caress the head with my thumb.
“You’re so fucking sexy,” he says, weaving his fingers into my hair. “You don’t even know it. You have no clue. Everything you do, the little things, the shy things, men will line up to have a chance with you.”
His statement shocks me because what he suggests is nothing I’ve ever considered, but his mouth is on mine before I can reply. I fall backward, landing on the soft bed. His hands tug at the clasp on my bra, snapping it apart. My breasts ache from the pleasure of his attention, the way they fit snugly in his palms. The way his lips travel away from my mouth, whispering over the sensitive spots on my body I shiver, goose bumps rising across my skin and my hands graze his shoulders. He moves downward, trailing hot, wet kisses over my ribs and belly button, across the dip of my hip and down the insides of my leg. My legs hang over the edge of the bed and I feel his breath, warm and tempting, on my inner thighs.
“This is the one place on your body I haven’t tasted, Audrey,” he says, ghosting his fingers over my panty-covered pussy. I feel the softest graze, barely a whisper over my clit, and I clench the bedding in my fists. “Can I?”
I nod, furiously. “Yes.”
I look at the ceiling and move my feet to the edge of the bed, lifting my hips for better access. He slides the fabric down my hips and gently over my feet. His fingers stroke my inner thighs; and the warmth I felt on my mouth and breasts spreads between my legs. “That’s my girl.” He inhales deeply and says, “I can
smell you and it’s driving me insane.”
He spreads my folds apart with his fingers before touching me with his tongue. I wiggle, trying to get closer, increase the contact, but a large hand comes down on my hip and pins me in place.
“Fuck,” I mumble, as my brain turns into mush. My senses shift into overdrive, every part of my body wants to be felt, while certain parts desire—no demand—all the attention. I spread my legs wider and Graham rewards me with a long, pleasant lick from the bottom of my pussy to the very top, where he pauses to suck on my clit.
My hips move on their own and I feel the foggy sensation just prior to an orgasm, I wind my fingers in Graham’s hair and tug him upwards. He breaks his stride and looks at me with bewildered eyes. “Fuck me,” I say, hips still moving in need. “Fuck me, please.”
He blinks, twice, coming out of some sort of pussy-eating haze but stands, gripping my ass in his hands. His cock bobs between his stomach and my own. “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” I purr, grabbing at his dick. “I have never been more certain of anything in my life. I want to feel you inside, harder this time.”
I succumb to a moment of fleeting fear, but it passes quickly, as Graham continues to stimulate my clit with his thumb. I feel his cock pressing at my entrance and I take a deep, settling breath, just like we practiced. Unlike last time, the impending promise of an orgasm successfully distracts me and he slips in easily, pushing through the hypersensitive nerves.
“Keep going,” I say, closing my eyes. His thumb circles around and around while he slowly, carefully, pumps in and out. This time I get it. I get what this is all about and I relax my pelvis, embracing his movement. A soft moan escapes my lips.
“Oh, Audrey,” I hear him say, but it’s hazy and distant. My mouth waters and my nipples ache. I barely feel him moving in and out of my body. It doesn’t matter; for once, it doesn’t matter, because I’m lost in my own swell of pleasure. The orgasm crashes over me, rippling across every nerve; and I succumb to the joy of it all, biting my lip to hold back a laugh.