He shakes off his surprise, but I didn’t actually answer his question. “Why are you here?”
“I had to talk to you. You can’t stay here by yourself anymore. It isn’t safe,” I say. “Drake is going to come back, and …”
He interrupts me before I can tell him about the Socius.
“I don’t need you to protect me.” His words are sharp and quick, to match the change in his expression. “And you had no right to break into my house. This is my home,” he snaps, “not some place for you to hone your lock picking skills.”
His outrage that I used what he taught me to get to him flares around me, igniting my own frustration and anger. “And what, you had the right to break into my motel room? How is this any different? You thought it was funny! And you did it for a lot less of a reason than I did. You just wanted to corner me into telling you what happened with Casey. I have a real reason, Braden. You’ve shut yourself up here like a hermit, but that doesn’t mean everything you were fighting a few weeks ago has disappeared. I’ve still been neck-deep in it all! You left me to deal everything it without you. But I need you,” I say. “There’s this story we found. It talked about this person who was supposed to help me, and …”
“And what? You think I’m that person?” His hand slashes in front of his chest. “Well, I’m not. I’m not anything anymore. I can’t help you or anyone else. Everything is different now.”
“No, it isn’t. I still need you, more than ever,” I say. “If you’ll just let me explain.”
Moving further away from me, he drops his gun on the end table and shoves up the sleeve of his right arm. “You took away everything that would have let me help you,” he says harshly.
My body shivers in the face of his attack. He doesn’t understand how true his words are like I do, but the pain he feels from losing everything he was is heavy enough. “I couldn’t kill you. I couldn’t let anyone else kill you, either, even if it meant leaving you talentless.”
“You think this was a better choice?” he demands. “What’s the point of being alive when I’m completely useless? What good am I to anyone anymore? You made the choice for me. I didn’t ask for this!”
“I’m sorry,” I snap, “but I didn’t exactly have time to stop and ask your opinion on the matter! You were trying to crush my windpipe at the time, if I remember correctly! It was either kill you, or take your talents and free you of your promises and Oath. I thought I was making the right choice!”
His body explodes into motion, flinging his hands out from his body and spinning away from me to let out a growl of frustration so deep it rumbles in my bones. He turns back around and glares at me. “Maybe you were wrong! What am I supposed to do now?”
“Stop acting like a baby, for one!” I yell at him.
My tone and words momentarily shock him. “What?”
“You heard me,” I snap. “Stop acting like a whiny brat and figure it out. Milo survived without talents. He wasn't the first Cipher to ever run from the Guardians, either. You’re not helpless! Sure, you don’t have the Speed and Strength you used to, but I saw you fend off Blackwood. You’re still strong. You’re still capable of doing whatever you want to do.”
“No, I’m not. You have no idea what you’re talking about. You’ve never had to live a single day without talents. You can’t possibly understand this.”
My frustration reaches its limit. “Would you rather be dead?” I yell at him.
His jaw tightens, but he doesn’t say anything. I know he won’t admit that. Braden is a fighter. He may be taking a break to throw himself a pity party at the moment, but it would drive him insane to just give up and admit defeat. He wants to keep fighting. He just doesn’t know how anymore. My heart breaks to see him so lost, so angry at me for taking everything away. I falter, wanting so badly to ease his anguish.
“I can’t help you, no matter what you say, and I don’t think you believe that, either,” Braden says quietly, “so why are you really here?”
He’s in danger. My destiny is in danger. Maybe the whole world is in danger. He’s the only one that can help me. A million reasons for being here all fade away in the face of his pain. All but one. It slips out before I can stop myself.
“I miss you,” I say. My hand snaps over my mouth and I close my eyes. I shouldn’t have said that. My head shakes back and forth. I never should have come here! Thoughts of Milo assault me for my infidelity. I knew coming here would break me … but I came anyway.
Pain wrinkles Braden’s expression at my words. His fingers tighten into fists as he looks away from me. I don’t know what that means, but suddenly I begin to understand my own heart and mind. The realization makes my hands, my body tremble. I didn’t come here because Braden may be the only one who can stop Howe from winning and ending my life. I didn’t come because he is in danger and my conscience will never forgive me if I let him die. Braden’s pain and anger wash over me. His spirit brushes mine. His presence wraps around me. Everything becomes so overwhelming in this one moment of purest truth.
I came here tonight because I can’t live without him.
Braden stares at me, unmoving as my eyes fill with tears. I love Milo, but in this moment of choice, I know I can never go back to him. I don’t want to lose his love, his friendship. The idea of hurting him after he has given me so much makes me sick, but I can’t stay with him knowing he would only ever be my second choice. He deserves better than that. He deserves better than me. The quiet pain of losing threatens to spill over as tears, but I hold it close and let it singe me. The wounds it leaves will stay with me forever, but I accept the scars along with my choice.
I look up at Braden, pleading for a response to my admission, desperate for him to tell me I haven’t lost both of the men I love. His stony face is impossible to bear. “Say something,” I beg him.
Pain drips off of him like tears. His arms fold across his chest as his silence settles over me.
I can’t hold my emotions in any longer. My chest heaves as a devastated sob bursts out of me. Braden flinches in surprise, but he stays where he is. My knees buckle and I fall back to the couch. When my head drops, my hair falls forward and attempts to hide my misery. I have finally given in to what my heart wanted from the moment we met, but I resisted too long.
I break under the truth of it.
Through my pain, I ask, “Is fighting the Guardians really the only reason you can think of to make you come back to me?”
I look back up at him and wish my own raging emotions weren’t completely messing up my ability to sense his now. His shocked expression gives away little. He promised. I push myself back up from the couch and face him. He promised he loved me. Did that really break, too, when I took his talents?
“I know we don’t have that intense connection of being Companions anymore, but I thought … I didn’t think you would forget me that easily. I thought what you said and felt was real,” I say quietly.
This is the punishment for my weakness. I don’t deserve the happiness Braden could bring me.
“I can’t be with you anymore,” Braden says with a stiff expression. Pain bunches his hands into fists, and I can see the corner of his mouth twitching very slightly. My tears slow and my eyes turn searching, hoping, praying that I am wrong. It couldn’t have been a lie.
“You don’t love me anymore?” I ask, begging for the truth. I have to know. My first two fingers press against his wrist, the secret reminder he used to give me of his promised love.
“No … I can’t, not anymore.”
My hands press against his chest, making his body tighten even more. I let them slide up his shoulders, neck, landing on his face and forcing him to really look at me. Now I don’t need my talents. I’m sure I can see the hidden need pulsing inside of him.
It had to be real. Please, let it be real.
I lift up on my toes and bring my mouth close to his, and say, “I don’t believe you.”
My lips touch his … and nothing. He stay
s stiff and unmoving in my grip. Panic that this was all a fantasy crushes me. I falter and fall back on my heels. He turns away and refuses to look at me. Our contact broken, all of the pain and heartache and longing of the past two weeks swallows me in its tidal wave of agony. I can’t unmake my choice. I will tell Milo I came here tonight. I will tell him I can’t be with him anymore. I chose Braden. I gave him my heart, but he doesn’t want it anymore. I know I’m crying again, but I can’t feel the tears. This was a mistake. A big, terrible mistake.
I turn and make for the door. My hand fumbles for the doorknob. I hesitate, thinking maybe I can change Braden’s mind, make him reconsider. The idea bursts as another sob escapes my lips. I can’t force him to take me. I won’t let myself try. I can’t bear staying here knowing he doesn’t want me and maybe never did. I finally get the door open and bolt through it to my car. I’m twisting the key in the ignition as I try to pull the door closed. Something catches my arm. Desperation to get away makes me pull against the door, but I am yanked out of the car before I can barricade myself inside. I whip around and find myself faced with a tortured Braden.
“Libby, wait,” he begs.
I stumble in confusion, and he grabs me, pulling me into a kiss that erases every other thought in my head. For a moment, I can’t move. I can’t believe he didn’t let me go, but as soon as my disbelief fades, I press against him even closer and revel in the taste of his lips. Lightning scatters over my skin and half convinces me I haven’t lost my Companion after all. That fantasy evaporates as we finally part, but the love I thought I saw in Braden doesn’t. He pulls me into his arms and holds me like he never plans on letting me go again. In his arms now, I truly hope he doesn’t.
“Libby, please don’t go. Wait. I’m sorry,” Braden whispers. He shakes his head and squeezes my arms painfully. “I should let you leave. You’re better off without me. I really can’t offer you anything anymore, but … I can’t let you go. I thought I could, but I can’t do it. I just can’t.”
Joy I can’t even begin to describe runs rampant through my body. I have lost so much in my life, but faced with losing Braden’s love, I felt more agony than I have at any other time. I have starved myself of him for weeks in order to salvage what I broke with Milo. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to live without him.
“I can’t let you go, either,” I say. Swallowing any other doubts, I say what I have wanted to say for months. “I love you, Braden.”
His body shudders against mine. I don’t resist when he crushes me in his arms. “Do you really? After everything that’s happened?”
“Yes.”
I can feel his relief as he kisses my forehead. There’s still some doubt in his mind that I don’t resent him at least a little for attacking me. I knew it was never his choice. Maybe the fact that I eventually forgave Lance for doing the same thing should make it easier to believe, but the uncertainty is still there. I’ll convince him. I have no doubt about that, at least.
Gently, Braden pushes me back and kisses me again. I’m slow to open my eyes when he pulls back. I can feel him moving to my ear. His breath tickles as he whispers, “I love you, too. I’ve missed you so much.”
“I missed you, too, Braden. I could hardly stand being away from you.”
He kisses me again and leaves his forehead pressed against mine. “Today was worse than any other for me. Knowing it was your birthday … but not being able to see you was torture. You’ve been the only thing I could think about all day.”
“You remembered my birthday?” I ask.
“Why do you think I was out so late?” he says. “I spent all day hiking in the Bosque trying to keep myself from going to see you.”
“Why? Did you really think I wouldn’t want to see you? I’ve been sitting outside your house for weeks. I wanted to come forever ago, but I … I promised Milo I wouldn’t. I didn’t stay away because I didn’t want to see you.”
My insides suddenly twist and churn as my decision finally begins to sink in. It’s not just my broken promise to Milo that sickens me, it’s knowing that I will never be his again. Braden’s reaction is no less severe. His hands freeze in their pattern of stroking up and down my back at the mention of that name.
“Milo,” he says slowly. “I can’t do that anymore. Libby, I love you, but after being away from you for so long and nearly losing my mind, I can’t be someone in your background. You’re almost like an addiction to me. I can’t just have little moments and stolen glimpses. I have to have all of you every second of the day, or … or I have to make myself let you go. It will only hurt us both.” Braden’s eyes close, his breathing lurching and distressed. “I can’t … there’s no way …”
I press my hands against Braden’s face, running my fingers over his eyes, drawing him closer to me. Gently, I kiss his lips. I kiss his eyes. I hold him with my love until he looks at me. “Braden, I would never ask you to go back to being my secret. If you really want me, no connection confusing things, then I will be yours. All of me, every second of the day.”
Happiness simmers over Braden’s body, but he asks, “Are you sure? I didn’t come to you because I thought you didn’t want me around anymore. At first, I was just scared and angry after you stopped me, but then I realized I couldn’t feel you like I used to. With my talents gone, we weren’t Companions anymore. You spent so much time trying to push me away … I thought that once you realized the link between us was gone you’d be glad to be rid of me. I knew I wasn’t your first choice.”
I can barely speak, the ache in my heart is so consuming, but I can’t bear letting him think that one second longer. “I never stopped wanting you. I pushed you away before because I wanted you so much even though I knew I shouldn’t.”
“What about Milo?”
“I love Milo,” I say quietly, accepting the etching pain those words cause now, “but I knew the moment I said I missed you that I had made my choice. It will hurt him to know I can’t be with him anymore—it hurts me, too—but I can’t go back to him now.”
An ache that begins in my chest slowly spreads through my limbs. I will never feel his arms around me again—never smile when his lips touch mine. The smell of his cologne will only bring tears to my eyes when I catch its scent from now on. I look up at Braden, a tear slipping down my cheek no matter how hard I try to contain it.
“It hurts so much to lose Milo,” I admit, “but just now, when I thought you didn’t love me and never had, I have never been so close to breaking. That pain was so much worse than anything else, worse than the last couple weeks spending every day with the fear that Milo might change his mind and leave me. I’ve never felt anything so agonizing before tonight. I can’t lose you, Braden. I would lose my hope, my happiness without you in my life. I won’t ever let go of you again.”
He tries to keep the smile off his face and the tears from his eyes. Comfort for my sorrow and compassion for what I am feeling surround me. I know he mirrors at least some of what I feel for the hurt we have caused Milo. He wants me and won’t let me go, but he understands loss and pain very well. He holds me until my hurts mellow under the caress of his love.
Slowly, he pulls back and kisses me softly. The pain is still there, but I know I have made the right choice by the peace that wraps itself around me. The happiness I feel isn’t the bubbly kind that evaporates so quickly, but the soul-deep brand that becomes a part of you forever. I want to gather it up and put it in my pocket for what I know is coming in the days ahead. I slide my hand up to cover Braden’s where it’s resting against my cheek. My two rows of diktats press up against his bare skin, refocusing my thoughts. We both stare at them.
“I’m going to find a way to give them back,” I tell him.
He sighs. “Libby, it’s okay. I wasn’t really mad at you. I was angry at how everything had turned out. As long as I know I have you, I can deal with having no talents. You’re all that matters to me.”
“I’m going to find a way, Braden.”
&n
bsp; Pure determination makes my words hard and forceful. Braden’s head tilts to one side in question. “Why?”
“Because I love you, and I want to,” I say honestly, “but also, because I have to.”
Chapter 16
Slow Caress
Explaining everything Braden has missed over the last couple of weeks takes forever. Neither of us really pays attention to the time. Now that I have Braden, I never want to let go of him, but a touch or kiss from him reminds me too often that I will never have that again with Milo. I try to hold off the anguish I know is waiting for me tomorrow long enough to get through my explanation. It’s late, after midnight, before I finally manage to tell him everything. Only when I get to what Hope revealed this morning does Braden begin to understand what I was trying to tell him earlier.
“Libby, you don’t really think this Socius thing is talking about me, do you?” Braden asks. “I mean, it must be a mistake. I’ve never heard of you needing someone to help you destroy the world.”
“I’m not supposed to destroy the world. That’s just another Guardian lie. They’ve twisted everything about me, because they knew I was going to bring them down. This stuff about the Socius helping me is old, older than they thought to look, I guess.” He’s looking down at his wrist. I pull his chin up to face me. “And you’re wrong about me not needing help. You've already proved to me that I can’t do this without you.”
He turns his head and kisses the palm of my hand as he smiles. “I don’t think this has anything to do with you falling in love with me, Libby.”
The way his lips tickle my skin makes me smile. “That’s not what I mean, even if it is true.”
“Then what?”
“I’m talking about you helping me free the Ciphers,” I say. “I never could have freed them all without you there. You gave me the extra strength and power I needed to manage performing an Inquest on that many people. Taking down the Guardians is going to be ten times more difficult. I don’t think I can do it without you.”
Darkening Chaos: Book Three of The Destroyer Trilogy Page 14