“Quiet, you!” grunted the pig-faced monster before turning its attention to Charles. “So, since you’re not a pile of mud, what are you then? Do you have a name?”
“My name is Charles Nukid. I’m human.”
The monster-pirates gasped again.
“A human!” a serpent-headed pirate hissed. “Oh goody, I was hoping for a snack!”
The pig-faced pirate hit the serpent-headed pirate with a stick. “Don’t be so rude. Tell me, human, what business have you in Monster Forest?”
“I came to visit the Monster King with my school. You let that girl go, or I will tell the Monster King what you’ve done.”
The monster-pirates laughed. The pig-faced monster stepped forward.
“Foolish human! I am Pigbeard. Captain of the monster-pirates. The princess is mine! Oh, I get it. You see that she is the most beautiful creature on Earth and you want her for yourself!”
“Um, no, I don’t. I just don’t think—”
“Then we shall do battle for her! The winner will be awarded the princess’s hand in marriage.”
“I don’t want her hand in marriage. I just want you to—”
The princess piped in, “Yes, Charles! Destroy them in battle! Then I shall be yours!”
This was getting out of hand, but Charles was in too deep to back away. That’s when he remembered the one thing that monsters are scared of.
Captain Pigbeard drew his sword and aimed it at Charles. “Young human, you have entertained us greatly. But when I am through with you, it seems we will be having that human snack.”
The monster-pirates laughed and hollered.
Captain Pigbeard circled the defenseless Charles, then dashed toward him, flailing his sword in the air. Charles rolled to the side and shouted, “Seven!”
The monster-pirates screamed in fright. Charles had remembered his Monster Math lessons with Ms. Stingbottom: What monsters fear most are small numbers.
Pigbeard recovered and made another lunge at Charles, but Charles shouted, “Three!” and Pigbeard fell to the ground in fright.
“Stop it! Stop saying those dreadfully small numbers!”
“One!” Charles shouted, and the rest of the monsters fell to the ground and held one another, shaking.
Charles stood up and boldly walked toward Pigbeard. Pigbeard tried crawling away, but Charles hollered, “Negative five!”
Pigbeard turned white with fear. “No! Not negative numbers! Now who’s the monster?”
“Negative twelve,” Charles yelled. At that, Pigbeard turned and ran to the safety of his pirate cohorts. Covering their ears, they retreated into the depths of the forest.
Charles approached the monster princess, who was shaking with fear inside the cage, but also happy to be rid of her captors.
“Ohhh, Charles, you did it! Please, free me from this torturous entrapment.”
Charles found a hard rock on the ground and smashed it against the cage lock, breaking it apart. As the cage door swung open, the monster princess jumped right on top of Charles, knocking him to the ground. She gave Charles a big hug and covered him with kisses.
She smelled like a barrel of sweaty socks doused in cod liver oil.
“Thank you, my love! Thank you!” she cooed.
“No problem,” said Charles. “But I have to get going. My class is waiting for me.”
“Of course, of course. But first we must decide on our wedding date.”
“Wedding date? Sorry, but I’m only eleven years old. I can’t get married yet.”
“I am also eleven! Although in monster years, that makes me quite a bit older. I must admit, I have always had a thing for younger men. I am a quarter cougar, after all.”
“I don’t know what that means,” said Charles desperately. “I just need to go find my friends. They’re probably with the Monster King right now.”
“The Monster King!” exclaimed the princess.
“King Zog is my father. I am Princess Zogette. I’ll take you to him in a jiffy.”
“Really? Sure!”
“Okay, off we go. But first…a wedding date.”
“I told you. I can’t!”
“But you saved me! And that’s a rule of Monster Kingdom.”
“A…rule?” said Charles nervously.
“Yes. If a female monster’s life is saved, she must marry the man who saved it.”
“Well…if that’s a rule, then I guess I have no choice. I always follow the rules.”
“Perfect. Now give me a wedding date!”
Charles said the first date that came into his head, thinking it was his only hope of getting out of Monster Forest anytime soon. “Fine. Christmas.”
“Ooohh, Charles! A Christmas wedding. How romantic! Huzzah!”
Satisfied, Zogette picked up Charles, extending a large set of pink feathery wings. She took off into the air toward Monster Castle, hugging Charles in her arms the entire way.
See, kids, sometimes following the rules too closely can get you into trouble. Don’t tell your parents I said that.
Back at the courtyard, a couple more students had miraculously saved themselves from certain death after breaking Zog’s rules. I don’t have the details for you as I was watching Charles Nukid at the time. Yes, I’m a ghost, but I still can’t be two places at once. Yeesh.
When I arrived back at the courtyard, Johnny, Ramon, and Peter were accepting their basketball trophies. Unfortunately, right as King Zog was making his speech, one of Johnny’s Sasquatch hairs drifted into the nose of Peter, and Peter released a mighty sneeze. He sneezed so hard, it knocked out one of Ramon’s zombie eyeballs.
The crowd became silent and King Zog fumed with anger. “How dare you sneeze during my speech! That’s a direct violation of Rule Number Four! Guards! Punish them!”
Three monster guards charged toward the three kids. Ramon the Zombie was so scared his toe popped off. But Johnny, Ramon, and Peter played together as a basketball team. They knew how to run a defense.
The three friends stood back-to-back-to-back. Peter quickly transformed into a werewolf, becoming vicious Peter the Wolf. The three monster guards leaped toward them, their claws ready to strike, but at the last second the three friends ducked out of the way. The monster guards clonked heads and dropped dizzily onto the ground.
Johnny quickly grabbed the feet of the first monster guard. With his incredible Sasquatch strength, he flung him onto the roof of the castle. At the same time, Ramon bit the second guard with his zombie teeth, turning him into a monster-zombie. The monster-zombie stomped off in search of brains.
The monster crowd was in shock that the Scary School students were again dispatching the ferocious guards.
Peter the Wolf was tussling on the ground with the third monster guard, each one gnashing at the other. Johnny and Ramon rushed over to help their friend, but before they got there, King Zog’s sticky tongue shot out of his mouth, stuck to the guard’s face, and pulled him to his side.
“He is my last guard,” King Zog explained. “I need to keep at least one. I pardon each of you. You are worthy members of the monster community. Just don’t sneeze, burp, hiccup, or—”
Peter started coughing up a hairball.
“…cough when another monster is speaking.”
“Sorry,” said Peter the Wolf, changing back into regular Peter. “When you got a hairball, you got a hairball.”
At that moment, Princess Zogette and Charles Nukid swept down from the sky and landed in the courtyard.
Charles squirmed away from Zogette’s strong arm-lock and tried his best to wipe off her odor.
Penny Possum was so happy Charles had made it back safely that she ran up and hugged him, not caring that he smelled like a pigpen that hadn’t been cleaned in months.
Zogette did not like that one bit. She pushed Penny away, grunting, “Back off! He’s mine.”
Penny looked confused. Charles didn’t know how to explain what had happened.
King Zog barged his
way in between Charles and Zogette. “What are you doing back here, my disobedient daughter?” Zog bellowed. “I ordered you to marry Captain Pigbeard.”
“But Father, I told you I don’t want to marry him!”
“And I told you that your marriage to Captain Pigbeard is vital. It’s the only way to end a thousand years of war between Monster Kingdom and the monster-pirates. Now you may have ruined it!”
“I care not for politics. All I care about is being with my new fiancé, Charles.”
“Who the devil is Charles?!”
Zogette pulled Charles next to her, squeezing him so tight he could barely breathe.
“This is Charles. He freed me from Captain Pigbeard and defeated the monster-pirates in battle. We are to be married on Christmas Day.”
“Look, Princess,” said King Zog, through a forced smile. “I’m not good with human ages, but he looks far too young. How old are you, Charles?”
“I’m eleven,” said Charles, still being squeezed and barely able to get the words out.
Every monster shuddered at the mention of Charles’s small-numbered age.
“The same as me,” said Zogette.
“But in monster years, you’re twice as old, Zogette. Enough of this nonsense! Simply say thank you to the human, and we shall send you back to Captain Pigbeard at once.”
“No, Father. I am going to be with Charles and we are going to be happy for ever and ever and ever.”
Zogette went pfththth in Zog’s face with her long, sticky tongue.
The monster crowd stared with their mouths agape. King Zog seemed to be holding in a violent outburst with all of his strength.
“And what say you of this, young Charles?” the king asked through gritted teeth.
“I don’t even like her,” Charles replied.
“Of course not,” Zogette crowed. “He doesn’t just like me. He adores me.”
“Young man,” said King Zog, “Rule Number Five of our land is that you must never take anything from another monster without asking. If you take my daughter, you will be taking what rightfully belongs to Captain Pigbeard. Plus, you will be taking my daughter from me without receiving my permission. That means that all of the monster-pirates and all of my monster armies will have no choice but to reclaim what is ours. Tell me, are you prepared to go to war for the hand of Zogette?”
“I—”
“He is!” Zogette proclaimed.
King Zog let out a bloodcurdling roar of anger. Then he leaped toward Charles with his scorpion stinger aimed right at his heart. In the nick of time, Zogette lifted Charles into the air, hovering above the courtyard. King Zog shot out his tongue, but Zogette grasped it before it could stick to them. With monstrous strength, she began swinging her father in circles by his tongue!
When she released her grip, King Zog went flying into the monster crowd, squashing several onlookers. More furious than ever, King Zog commanded, “Monsters! Attack the humans!”
The thousands of monsters on the hillside obeyed their king and roared in unison. They began charging up the hill and climbing the castle walls. The Scary School students were still gathered on the bleachers, not sure what they were supposed to do.
Luckily for them, the dragon-students from Firecrest were returning from their feeding. They blew a wall of fire around the perimeter of the courtyard, temporarily holding back the monster onslaught.
The dragons landed in the courtyard. The students quickly jumped onto their backs. As the dragons took flight, several flying monsters gave chase, but the sleek dragons were much faster than the clunky winged monsters. The students were carried to safety and thankful to have escaped.
Zogette, supporting Charles on her spiky back, held on to the tail of Dr. Dragonbreath all the way back to Scary School.
When everyone arrived back at school, Charles tumbled off Zogette and ran over to Penny. He noticed that she’d been crying.
“I’m sorry,” said Charles sadly. “Zogette told me it was a rule that I had to marry her. But I don’t want to. I just wanted her to help me out of the forest.”
Penny looked at him like she had a lot to say, but she refused to utter a word for fear that what came out of her mouth might be so powerful, it would blow all of Charles’s hair off. I’m guessing what she might have said is: “You were gone for less than an hour, and when you came back, you were engaged to a hideous monster! How could you?”
But instead Penny turned her back on Charles and stomped away.
Charles could only hope that their friendship wasn’t over.
Principal Headcrusher stood at the front entrance and made an announcement:
“There is no doubt that the monsters will be coming to retrieve Princess Zogette from Charles. But we must remember that the students and teachers of Scary School are a family. An attack on one of us is an attack on all of us. When the monsters arrive, we must be ready to fight for the love Charles has for his monster bride.”
“But I don’t even like her!” Charles exclaimed. Nobody heard him, however, because the cheers of support from the students and teachers were so deafening.
12
Fritz vs. the Loch Ness Monster
Fritz was a member of Mr. Grump’s sixth-grade class. He wore swimming goggles all day every day.
The reason he wore swimming goggles was simple. He had perfect vision. In fact, he could easily read street signs a whole block away. He was very valuable during car rides. However, he noticed that whenever he went swimming in a pool, his vision became blurry.
Since seventy percent of the Earth is covered in water, Fritz did not like the idea that he only had perfect vision on thirty percent of Earth’s surface. By wearing swim goggles all the time, he was guaranteed to have perfect vision no matter where he was on the planet.
Fred had straight, orangish brown hair that hung over his head like wisps of straw on a scarecrow. Thirty percent of his face was covered in freckles and seventy percent was clear skin.
He had large ears, but they didn’t work as well as his eyes.
The defining moment of Fritz’s life happened when he was five years old. His parents had built a pool in the backyard. The only problem was, Fritz didn’t know how to swim. His parents had spent all their money building the pool and had none left to pay for swimming lessons. So, they decided to throw Fritz into the pool with all his clothes on. They figured if he wanted to live, he’d teach himself how to swim.
As Fritz sank to the bottom of the pool, he was very upset that everything around him became blurry. A moment later, he realized that if he didn’t do something soon, he was going to drown.
He made the decision that he did not want to drown and began to furiously flail his arms and legs. He discovered that moving his arms and legs in a synchronous motion caused him to rise upward.
It’s amazing how fast you can teach yourself something when you will die in thirty seconds if you choose not to.
Fritz was apparently a very good self-teacher, for he shot upward through the water with such a burst of speed, he did a double flip in the air and landed in a perfect dive. He continued to swim around the pool at blinding speed, like his little legs were motors and his tiny arms were propellers.
His parents stood there watching with their mouths hanging open.
His father turned to his mother and said, “I think we may have fed him too many fish sticks.”
It was mid-October at Scary School.
A heat wave was sweeping through the region, and the students were hard at work on their daily lessons. But they were happier to be inside the air-conditioned classrooms instead of outside in the blazing heat.
Far away in Monster Kingdom, King Zog was hard at work training legions of monsters in the ways of martial arts in preparation for the upcoming assault upon Scary School to retrieve his daughter.
In Mr. Grump’s sixth-grade classroom, the forgetful teacher was hard at work trying to remember the names of the kids who were raising their hands so that he could cal
l on one to answer his question.
He pointed to Jason, who always wore a hockey mask, and said, “What’s your name?”
“Jason,” replied Jason for the third time that day. “The answer is Abraham Lincoln.”
By the time Jason had answered the question, Mr. Grump had already forgotten what the question was and had no idea whether Jason was right or not.
Mr. Grump looked around the classroom to see if he could pick up on whether the class thought Jason’s answer was right. He noticed that Petunia was nodding her head at him. She often nodded to indicate whether an answer was right or wrong, just so the lesson could move forward.
“That’s correct!” exclaimed Mr. Grump.
“Yes!” said Jason. Then he jumped out of his seat, put on his backpack, and bolted out of the classroom.
“Hey. Why did he leave?” asked Mr. Grump.
“Because,” said Wendy Crumkin, “you said that whoever could name the tallest president in US history could have the rest of the day off.”
“Oh. Why did I say that?”
“Because you said that we were about to have a surprise and none of us wanted to be here for it.”
“All right, if you say so,” said Mr. Grump. “Only now I can’t remember what the surprise is and I’m getting scared myself. Maybe I’ll go home too. Do any of you know where my house is?”
The doors burst open and everyone jumped in fright.
“Good afternoon,” said Mr. Snakeskin, the school gym teacher.
Mr. Snakeskin had big, bulging muscles all over his body and wore a red-and-blue sweat suit. His hair was chopped in a crew cut. He looked very mad most of the time. He could also remove his skin whenever he wanted and then put it back on because he was half zombie.
“For your big surprise today,” Mr. Snakeskin continued, “Principal Headcrusher has ordered that all of you must go swimming in Scary Pool during gym class to beat the heat. Now hop to it! We don’t have a second to waste!”
At that, Mr. Snakeskin ripped off his sweat suit. He was only wearing skintight swim trunks underneath. He marched out of the classroom, expecting everyone to follow.
Monsters on the March Page 6