The matron was a pleasant-looking, plump old woman named Mrs. Green. Mrs. Green was wearing a bright green muumuu and glared at Meredith with piercing green eyes.
“Hello, I’m Meredith Headcrusher, principal of Scary School.”
“Headcrusher?” said Mrs. Green. “That’s a rather unfortunate name.”
“I’m afraid none of us can choose our birth names, can we?”
“Good point. I have a cousin named Dilbert Pickles. He can’t stand pickles.”
“Exactly. So, I suppose you’re wondering why I’m here.”
“No. You actually mentioned in your e-mail that you want Tim Puzzle to attend your school. Is that still the case?”
“Possibly. I need to meet him first.”
“Don’t get me wrong. I’d be thrilled to be rid of him. But I have to warn you that when we found him, he was living all alone in his parents’ house except for two pet frogs. His parents had gone missing, you see. When authorities asked him where his parents were, all he said was, ‘They tried to make me eat my vegetables and now they’re gone.’”
“Well, his parents must not have cooked vegetables very well. At Scary School, Sue the Amazing Octo-Chef cooks the vegetables so deliciously, the kids eat them like candy.”
“Well, we can’t all be amazing octo-chefs, now can we? We took Tim in to live with us and as soon as he got here, the other kids started to go missing and the frog population started exploding. Odd, considering there aren’t any creeks for miles.”
“That is odd. You think Tim has been turning the other kids into frogs?”
“I can’t prove it, of course. If I brought it up with him, I’m pretty sure he’d do something appalling to me, so I leave bad enough alone. Why do you think I wear this hideous green muumuu? Whenever I’m around him, I ribbit and hop about so that he thinks he’s already turned me into a frog.”
“That’s terrible.”
“That I can handle. The worst part is the fly eating.”
“It sounds like Tim is a real handful for you, but he seems perfect for my school.”
“Maybe you aren’t catching my drift. There are kids with problems and kids with issues to work through, and every so often, there’s a kid like Tim Puzzle. He’s just plain evil.”
“I’ll be the judge of that.”
“Don’t get me wrong! I would do cartwheels and set off fireworks if you took him off my hands. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Mrs. Green led Meredith into an ornate room on the top floor of the orphanage. Tim Puzzle sat at an antique wooden desk, typing at a computer. At his feet were the remnants of a turkey carcass on a large plate. Meredith surmised he had just eaten his Thanksgiving dinner all alone in his room.
Mrs. Green whispered to Meredith, “A few weeks ago he demanded to have my room. Obviously I agreed. I’ll leave you two alone.” Then she ribbited and hopped out the door.
As soon as the door closed, Tim Puzzle turned around in his chair. He wore glasses that were taped together at the bridge, and his two front teeth bucked forward over his bottom lip. His brown hair was parted straight down the middle and curled upward when it reached his ears. He was wearing blue shorts and a pin-striped collared shirt. He looked like that kid in class who you try to copy your notes off of, but when he catches you looking, he tells the teacher.
“Who are you?” Tim Puzzle asked in a high-pitched voice that resonated with menace.
“My name is Principal Meredith Headcrusher. I’m from Scary School.”
“Scary School? What’s that?”
“It’s a school where regular kids study with vampires, werewolves, zombies, trolls—you name it. I’m told you have special talents that might make you a perfect fit.”
Tim Puzzle shrank away at those words, as if Meredith had learned a secret he didn’t want known.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You have the wrong kid.”
“Tim, if you don’t mind, I’d like to show you something.”
Meredith removed her right hand from her pocket and held it up. Tim’s jaw dropped. “Gross! Your hand is as big as me!” he exclaimed.
Meredith smiled, then pulled out a whole watermelon from her purse and crushed it with a gentle squeeze, sending rinds and watermelon juice flying everywhere. Tim loved the display and started bouncing in his seat.
“Do it again! Do it again!” he urged.
“Okay. But first you have to show me something you can do.”
Tim’s face turned sour, realizing she had just tricked him, but he did feel a level of trust with Principal Headcrusher.
He led Meredith to a large chest sitting in the corner of the room and opened it. Inside were at least thirty frogs hopping around.
“You like frogs?” Principal Headcrusher asked.
“Not really,” replied Tim. “These were other kids at the orphanage who were mean to me. Two of them were my parents. They tried to make me eat vegetables. Would I have to eat vegetables at Scary School?”
“You would have the privilege of eating vegetables at Scary School because they’re prepared so deliciously. But we certainly wouldn’t force you. The other kids would be happy to eat them off your plate.”
Tim smiled for the first time. He shut the chest and said, “I think I would like to go to Scary School. Can we go now?”
“First I’d like you to show me how you turn people into frogs.”
Tim rolled his eyes. “Fiiine,” he whined. Opening a window, he saw a jogger on the street chugging by. Tim pointed his finger at the jogger, closed his eyes, and a bolt of green energy shot out from his fingertip. The bolt hit the jogger, instantly transforming him into a tiny frog.
“Impressive,” said Meredith. “At Scary School, you would not be allowed to turn any of your classmates into a frog without their permission.”
“What about the teachers?” Tim asked.
“Oh, you’re more than welcome to take on one of the teachers if you think you could survive.”
Tim smiled a mischievous smile and dashed to a cupboard to gather his belongings. Inside the cupboard, Meredith noticed, there was a collection of street signs.
“And what is all that?” Meredith asked him.
“I like to go around town and steal all the street signs,” Tim said nonchalantly. “When I’m bored, I sit by the window and watch cars drive around lost. It’s hilarious.”
“I was driving around for hours before I found this place!”
“I know. I was watching you and laughing my head off.”
Meredith was starting to feel more and more uncomfortable about taking this kid to Scary School. That’s when she noticed the enormous audio speakers sitting on the ledge of the opposite window.
“What are those speakers for?”
“Every night I wake up at two in the morning and start blasting heavy metal music. Nobody within a three-mile radius has gotten a good night’s sleep in months.”
“Okaaay. You know what,” said Meredith. “This isn’t going to happen for you.”
“What do you mean?” asked Tim, the excitement draining out of him.
“At Scary School, we teach that just because you have the ability to maim and transform and make people’s lives miserable, there is almost never a good reason to do it. I’m afraid I made a mistake offering you a place in my school. Have a nice day.”
Principal Headcrusher walked back toward the door, leaving Tim stunned and hurt. “Wait!” he screamed. “You let me come to your school, or I will turn you into a frog!”
“Listen, Tim. You are obviously going to be a very powerful wizard one day. Based on your personality, a dark lord, no doubt. I wish you luck with that, but I will not be part of it.”
Baring his buckteeth, Tim extended a finger and shot a bolt of green energy at Meredith. Meredith had been expecting this the entire time. She quickly pulled her left hand out of her pocket, in which she was still holding the enormous compact mirror. The bolt of energy bounced off the mirror an
d reflected back onto Tim.
He was hit right in the chest by his own bolt, instantly transforming him into a tiny green frog.
Tim being turned into a frog created a reverse shock wave of magic that immediately turned all the frogs in the chest back to normal kids. They came spilling out of the chest on top of one another. Even Tim’s parents were changed back. The kids hugged Meredith for turning them back into humans.
Tim’s parents caught their tiny frog son and placed him in a jar.
When the matron hopped back into the room, she was overjoyed to see all the children had returned. She was even happier that Tim’s parents were going to take the young dark lord off her hands.
The Puzzles bought a very nice aquarium for their son, in which he would live out the rest of his days eating bugs and hopping on fake rocks.
He still tried to be the most evil frog he could possibly be. Every night at 2:00 a.m., he croaked as loud as he could.
17
The Thousand-Foot Chain
It was early December at Scary School, and the first snow had fallen overnight.
Across the street, at the very peak of Goblin Hill, stood the three best friends—Johnny the Sasquatch, Ramon the Zombie, and Peter the Wolf. Each was holding a snowboard at his side.
Since the monster attack was less than two weeks away, the three friends had decided to make the most of the short time they had left and do something nobody had ever dared to do.
They nodded to one another, then took off down the hill on their snowboards, heading straight toward the school’s front entrance.
Archie the giant squid had felt the vibrations and raised his enormous eye out of the moat to investigate. Archie knew that snowboarding into school was against the rules, so he figured he’d make a quick breakfast of the three friends.
His tentacles rose from the water and he thrashed them wildly in an attempt to catch the boys in his sticky suckers.
But Johnny, Ramon, and Peter were moving too fast. Ramon slid underneath the suckers, doing a spectacular limbo move; Peter did a twisting jump right straight through a gap in the tentacles; and Johnny deftly ollied off Archie’s head, then slid down a tentacle straight into the twisting main hallway.
Archie grumbled with frustration and sank back into the moat.
“Look out!” the three friends yelled as they found themselves speeding like bullets between the rows of lockers.
Students were diving out of the way, but it proved unnecessary as the three snowboarders had jumped over them and were now sliding along the top of the lockers.
Unfortunately, they were fast approaching the hall monitor, Ms. Hydra. She was chatting with Dr. Dragonbreath outside his classroom.
As the snowboarders zoomed past Ms. Hydra, four of her heads were furious and wanted to chase after them.
“Snowboarding in the hallway! I never!” said the first head.
“Let’s get ’em!” said the sixth head.
The ninth head noticed Dr. Dragonbreath’s sad expression and said, “No, let’s stay here and keep talking to Dr. Dragonbreath.”
“I’m thirsty,” said the second head.
“How do you keep forgetting your water bottle?” asked the eighth head.
Luckily for the snowboarders, five of the nine heads wanted to keep talking with Dr. Dragonbreath, so Ms. Hydra let the boys go. (It’s important for a multi-headed lizard to have an odd number of heads so there’s always a majority in decision making.)
The snowboarders were followed by a mob of students out into the deadly school yard.
The blanket of fresh white snow made the playground seem almost survivable in the early morning sunlight. The flowing river of lava had cooled into shiny black obsidian. The three friends pulled a switch-stance maneuver as they rode across the river of obsidian to the blazing volcano that fed the flowing lava.
The hardened lava created a vertical ramp up the face of the volcano, and Johnny, Ramon, and Peter rode up in a straight line, sending themselves skyward one hundred feet into the air!
In midair, each friend performed his best trick. Johnny pulled off a frontside double cork 1080, while Ramon managed to barely land a 720 barrel roll with a chicken salad grab! The best was saved for last, however, as Peter the Wolf landed the rare Double McTwist 1260. The crowd went crazy, clapping their hands above their heads. Even several teachers were cheering.
Peter the Wolf led his two friends to the finish line. He drooled with anticipation of the kudos for their performance. In his exuberant mood, he transformed back to regular Peter. The crowd cheered even louder because they liked regular Peter much more than Peter the Wolf. Unfortunately, he didn’t see that he was heading straight toward the Pit of Scarflakk, which was hidden by the fresh layer of snow.
Peter’s height of joy fell to the depths of despair as he plunged into the Pit of Scarflakk—a ten-foot-wide hole in the ground with countless rings of razor-sharp teeth that ensnared its victims into its dark gullet, whence there was no escape.
If Peter the Wolf had fallen into the Pit of Scarflakk, nobody would have cared because Peter the Wolf was the meanest kid in school, but since regular Peter had fallen into the pit, everyone was devastated and prayed something could be done to save the nicest kid in school.
Dr. Dragonbreath tried to calm everyone down, saying, “Fear not, young humans. Peter is not dead yet. In the Scarflakk’s belly he is merely going to experience a new definition of pain and suffering as he is slowly digested over a thousand years…wait…years? I meant seconds.”
That made the students even more upset. Dr. Dragonbreath rolled his eyes, thinking, I don’t know that I’ll ever understand human emotions.
Princess Zogette stepped forward and announced in her stentorian, royalish voice, “I had a Pit of Scarflakk in my backyard at Monster Castle. There is but one way to rescue someone who has fallen into a Pit of Scarflakk, but it will require everyone’s help to succeed. Also, you should know that Charles gave me a bouquet of flowers over Thanksgiving and they were beauuuutiful.”
Charles retorted, “I didn’t want to! My mom made me!”
Zogette went on to explain that Peter was no doubt already hundreds, if not thousands, of feet deep inside the long digestive tract of the Scarflakk. One person—a searcher—would have to go in first to locate him. It had to be someone who could see exceptionally well in the dark.
Penny Possum quickly volunteered. Her saucer-sized eyes were like night-vision goggles. Charles tried to object, but Penny spoke for the first time in months, saying “NO! I’M DOING THIS,” knocking over half the students with the force of her voice.
“Okay then,” said Zogette, “but she cannot go alone, or she would simply be digested herself. Someone must go with her—a protector—who can fend off the creepies that will try to snatch her.”
Jason volunteered for that job. With his fearsome hockey mask and ever-present chainsaw, nothing stood a chance.
Zogette explained that once they found Peter deep down in the gullet, Penny and Jason would not be able to escape without help. The students would have to form a human chain in order to pull them to safety.
Everyone came to a quick agreement that the risk was worth it to save the life of their friend Peter. I tried not to take offense that no one had cared as much about saving my life a couple years ago, but whatever.
Penny Possum took the lead and made her way into the Pit of Scarflakk. Jason and his chainsaw followed close behind. After them, every student at Scary School began forming a human chain, holding on to one another by the ankles. It soon extended a thousand feet, keeping Penny and Jason connected to the surface.
The pit was pitch-dark, and every kid on the thousand-foot chain nearly barfed at the smell of thousand-year-old rotting meat, but Penny and Jason did their best to ignore the odor.
Monstrous little glow-in-the-dark creatures that looked like tiny devils kept popping up. They tried to grab hold of Penny and detach her from the chain, but Jason was swift with his c
hainsaw and made quick work of them.
After a long trek down the tube, where the smell grew even worse, Penny eventually found Peter. He had transformed into Peter the Wolf and was struggling for his life against an array of tentacles trying to pull him into a vat of bubbling acid—the Scarflakk’s stomach!
Penny reached out her hand and took hold of Peter the Wolf’s arm. Peter the Wolf could not see in the dark like Penny could and thought she was another tentacle. Peter thrashed at Penny’s arm. Penny lost her grip and the tentacle pulled Peter closer to acid. He was barely out of Penny’s reach.
Charles Nukid was holding onto Jason’s ankles and yelled, “Jason! Take my tie!”
Jason nodded and sliced off Charlie’s tie and handed it to Penny. Penny flung Charles’s tie and it wrapped around Peter’s wrist. She whispered to Jason that she had him.
News traveled like a game of telephone up the chain to the surface. There the strongest teachers, anchored by the mighty jaws of Ms. T (who was clasped on to the tail of Dr. Dragonbreath), began pulling the chain of students out of the pit like a magician pulling a never-ending handkerchief out of his pocket.
After the chain of kids had wrapped around the entire school yard, Jason, Penny, and Peter the Wolf finally popped out of the hole to safety.
When the students noticed that they had gone through all that just to rescue Peter the Wolf, they groaned with disappointment. But when he changed back to regular Peter, they cheered with glee.
When Peter realized it was Charles’s tie that had saved him, he handed it back and said, “That’s the first time I was glad to wear a tie. Thanks, New Kid.”
The reveling came to a quick end, however, when the sky rumbled and a great roar was heard. The students looked up and saw a fearsome winged creature flying toward them, ridden by what looked to be something pink and fuzzy.
The students in King Khufu’s class quickly formed a circle around Bryce McCallister, hiding him from view. They were certain that death was about to arrive upon swift wings for him.
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