She picked up her phone and checked the time. 12:38 p.m. She grunted in frustration. God, the day was dragging.
She was nervous about seeing Erika; she’d been terrible at keeping in touch. Annoyingly, she was intensely restless too. She didn’t want to think about that, because she knew her restlessness was because of Isabella, or to be precise, her feelings for Isabella.
Erin took a chance, opened her phone’s contact list, found Erika, and tapped the call button. She flexed her biceps and licked her lips, those tics she did when she was nervous.
“Hey, sweetie. Everything okay? Not calling to cancel, I hope?” Erika joked.
Erin smiled. Erika’s voice sounded like she always did, smart and considerate, a calming tonic for frayed nerves, which was just what Erin needed right now.
“I’m good. And no, not canceling. In fact, I was wondering if you were free to meet a little earlier? I can come meet you in Brooklyn, if you’re still at home.”
“Funnily enough, I’m already on my way to you. Partly because my housemates were driving me crazy, and partly because I wanted to stop by that tiny Italian bakery and buy some of those cannoli you like as a surprise.”
Erin chewed the inside of her cheek. “Okay, um. I’ll meet you down there, then? Is that okay?”
“Of course it is. Are you sure you’re all right? It’s not like you to be this impatient. I mean, I’m glad you’ve missed me and all, but it’s still a bit unusual for you.”
“Yeah, I just need to talk. I’ll see you at the bakery soon.” Erin reached for her jacket.
“Okay, I’ll see you soon, then. Bye.”
“Yep,” Erin said, the phone wedged between her shoulder and her ear. She ended the call and shoved the phone into her jeans pocket.
She fastened the zipper to her lumberjack-style leather jacket. It had a hood, was lined with thick, fake fur, and was a little tatty after many a New York winter. It probably needed replacing, but she loved it like a safety blanket. She checked that her keys were in the pocket, then headed for the elevator.
Riding the damn thing down seemed to drag on more than usual, as did the fast-paced walk to the bakery. When she finally arrived, she was out of breath and annoyed. Luckily, her mood changed when she saw her friend.
Erika was at the counter, surveying the pastries and cakes. Her light-colored outfit and platinum-blonde hair made her look like some kind of ice princess. Very fitting for a Scandinavian, Erin mused. She just couldn’t figure out how Erika kept that outfit from getting covered in city grime in New York. Nevertheless, that was Erika to a tee, almost intimidatingly perfect.
Erin didn’t mind. She was one of the few people in their little group of friends who never felt jealous of Erika. She didn’t know if it was because she had seen Erika at her lowest, or if jealousy just wasn’t a part of her nature. Instead, all she ever felt was the buzz of joy at seeing her friend again. She went over to drape an arm around Erika’s shoulder.
“Oh, just order one of each, Swede,” Erin said with a grin.
Erika jerked around quickly at the touch but smiled when she saw it was Erin. “You scared me! And I’m not ordering one of each. Not everyone burns off the calories the way you do.” She pointed at the case. “What do you want?”
Erin looked down at the treats on display. It was a small bakery, which meant that, through the years she had lived in the neighborhood, she’d sampled all its delights and liked most of them.
“Well, we should get some of the cannoli, like you said. And then a few of those chocolate-dipped biscotti, and a baba ricotta each,” Erin replied authoritatively
Erika stared at her. “You know that’s enough dessert for a week, yes?”
“Not the way I eat, buddy,” Erin said with a shrug.
Erika sighed and turned to the pimpled young guy by the till. She ordered two of each item.
“Only two?” Erin asked with a pout.
“Yes. Only two. I’m not having you eating too much and then starting to do push-ups to try and lose the calories quicker. I had enough of that last time we went out for dinner with Luke.”
Erin frowned. “Hey, it wasn’t my fault you and Luke were both on a diet. They had a cheesecake sharing platter.”
Like a patient mother, Erika smiled at her and then paid the cashier. She walked out with Erin just behind her.
It was one of those sunny but freezing days, and on the way back to her apartment, Erin breathed in deeply and wondered how such polluted city air could still feel so crisp. That’s at least one good thing about winter, she mused.
Twenty minutes later, they were seated at Erin’s little table, which served as both dinner table and desk. The laptop was safely tucked away, and in its usual place were two plates with baked goods and a pot of freshly brewed coffee. Erika poured herself a mug, topping it off with milk, while Erin picked what to eat first. The cannoli won, and she took a big bite just as Erika asked, “So, what is it that you were so eager to talk about?”
She blew on her hot coffee, while Erin swallowed her mouthful much too quickly.
“Well, first of all, I realized I hadn’t been seeing my friends as much as I should. I hadn’t talked to you or Luke or even Julian in ages. Secondly, I kinda need advice.”
Erika took a dainty sip of her coffee. “All right. Regarding your first point, it’s not just you. I’ve been really busy with work and horrible dates, and Luke, well, Luke has met the man of his dreams. Or, at least, so he claims. He and some guy named Shawn are talking about moving in together.”
“What? So soon? And people say lesbians move in quickly.”
Erika gave a little shrug. “I know. But he says he’s sure that Shawn’s the one. And after seeing them once in Brooklyn, I’m inclined to agree. They’re adorable together and seem well matched. Anyway, what was I going to say? Oh yes, Julian. He is still locked up in his house and refusing to see anyone.”
Erin winced but didn’t interrupt.
“So, as I was saying,” she picked up a biscotti, “it’s not just your fault. We’ve all been busy. When it comes to your second point…well, I’m all ears.”
Erin watched her daintily dip the thing in her coffee, wishing that Erika would be a little less perfect in this particular moment. It would be easier to talk about her confused feelings if Erika wasn’t so composed and sensible.
That hadn’t always been the case, of course. When Erin had first met her in Central Park, Erika had been sitting on a bench crying because her parents had just passed away in an accident. Erin had immediately felt close to the young woman and had held her as she cried. That sort of start made for a sturdy friendship. So, why couldn’t Erin just start talking about Isabella now?
Before taking a bite, Erika quietly asked, “Problems of the heart, right?”
Erin stared at her. “Why do you say that?”
“Because if you needed to borrow money or ask me to help you move or something, you would’ve just said it. Love always messes with your head. And I don’t think what happened between you and Katie made things any better. So, just talk to me; it doesn’t have to make sense. Just start talking.”
Erin took a deep breath and sighed it out. “I met this woman called Isabella online, and we’ve been chatting a lot. She lives in Florida with her boyfriend and their cute little baby. So, she’s obviously taken and just wants a friend, but I can’t stop thinking about her twenty-four seven. It would probably be easier to just ignore it if she seemed happy in her relationship, but she never talks about him. She doesn’t seem to spend any time with him either.”
She looked up at Erika to see if those bright-blue eyes were glaring at her with judgment. She should’ve known better. Erika just smiled and nodded encouragingly.
“I don’t know her all that well, yet. But she’s so damn interesting. She’s traveled loads, and she’s lived a life so totally different from mine, but it was still sorta shitty. She’s got this clever and sarcastic front, like a protective wall or something. She gi
ves off this vibe like she doesn’t need anyone. But under that, she seems vulnerable and sort of…lost. She’s not as messed up as me, though, so I’m sure I couldn’t make it work, even if she was single.” Erin fidgeted in her seat. “So, yeah. That’s my problem. I think I feel something for her. Although she’s clearly…you know…”
“Unobtainable?” Erika suggested.
Erin nodded, not at all surprised that a foreigner found the right word before she did. “Yeah, exactly. But I don’t know if I have, like, a crush on her, or if it’s just that I’m lonely. I mean, we’ve only talked a few nights, and I’m not really talking to anyone else—outside of work, of course.”
Erika’s half-eaten biscotti went down on a napkin on the table. “So, you decided to see me to find out if some social interaction would make you think less about her. Snap you out of it, so to speak?”
The thought put a small frown on Erin’s face. “Well, I wanted to meet up with you as well. But yeah, I suppose. That and I wanted your advice. What should I do? If I am crushing on this woman, I should stop talking to her, right?”
Erika held up a hand. “I think that would be premature at this point. So far, all you know is that you like talking to her and that you think about her a lot. Correct?”
“Yeah.” Even Erin could hear the defeat in her voice.
“Well, maybe it is a crush and will pass when you get to know her better. Perhaps it’s just that you are happy to find a new friend and are obsessing about her a little too much, because you’re lonely. Or maybe, you’ve been poisoned by all those protein bars you eat. In conclusion, you need to find out what’s going on here.”
“I know. But how?” Erin whined before shoving half a biscotti into her mouth.
“There are lots of ways. Look, I honestly think you might be overthinking this a little.”
“You mean that I’m freaking out over nothing?”
Erika winced a little. “I wouldn’t put it as harshly as that. I just mean you should take it one step at a time and try to relax.” She handed Erin a napkin. “Maybe you just need to talk to her a little more in depth. Maybe try a video chat? That is what Skype was designed for, right?” She smiled. “Look, you have to figure out what you’re feeling. Everything else can wait until you’ve done that.” She put her hand on Erin’s shoulder and gave it a comforting squeeze. “Just talk to the woman.” Before Erin had time to reply, Erika spoke again. “Oh, and see how you feel after I’ve gone. If you are just lonely, surely you’ll be thinking about her less after you’ve had some social interaction. How about I tell you all the gossip about Luke and Shawn, and then we can see what’s on at the cinema tonight?”
Erin smiled back and nodded, and hoped Erika was right.
Chapter 12
Pain
Saturday evening found Isabella sitting in her armchair and feeding Alberto while Richard had gone out for drinks with some coworkers.
Alberto was looking up at her with those pretty, blue-green eyes, and Isabella lost herself in them, marveling at how intelligent they looked for eyes belonging to such a new, helpless little human. He bit a little, and she hissed in pain.
“Ow, careful. You shouldn’t be so eager to feed. That is how you give yourself indigestion. Slow down, there’s no hurry. It’s just you and me tonight. Oh, and maybe a certain woman from New York. What do you think, cariño? When you have eaten, should we see if Erin is online?”
His eyes stayed focused on her face, and he reached up a little hand to touch her chin. She encouraged it, knowing that he needed to grow his muscles and his hand-eye coordination in any way possible.
She leaned forward and kissed his tiny fingertips, and her back spasmed painfully.
Annoyingly, Richard was right. Sleeping in this chair was hurting her back. She knew it was bad for her, and she also knew the other mothers in her baby group thought she was spoiling Alberto, being there every time he moved.
That reminded her of the article about babies and physical affection she had promised to e-mail out to the other moms in the group. She should get on with that, not just because she felt they needed to read it, but also because she should make an effort to socialize more. She was no longer getting social interaction at work or from networking parties and business lunches. If she wasn’t careful, Erin the self-proclaimed loner, would interact with more people than she did.
As Alberto let go of her breast and lay back in her arms, full and happy, Isabella felt another twinge in her back. She entertained the thought of going back to sleeping in the bedroom, but it just didn’t feel right. She didn’t feel at home in that bed or, if she was honest with herself, sleeping next to Richard.
“No, I think I’ll stay in here with you. I’ll just have to find ways to help my back cope.”
He gurgled and babbled at her, and she smiled from ear to ear. He’d been a quiet baby when he was born, so she cherished every nonsensical noise he made.
She lifted him to her shoulder to burp him and then walked over to his crib to put him in. She handed him a baby rattle and watched him reach to try and grab it. He finally managed, then dropped the toy just as fast.
“Oops. Not to worry, you’ll get there soon. You know, you are at the age where you are supposed to start sleeping through the night, too. What do we think about that? Any chance you’ll manage it, or is that silly tummy of yours going to keep you up?”
In response, Alberto smiled and waved his little arms and legs wildly.
Isabella laughed. “Looks like you are as eager as I am to have you sleeping through the night, mi vida,” she whispered tenderly.
His eyelids were beginning to droop, and she caressed the downy hair on his head and hummed a lullaby until his eyes were fully closed and his breathing was calm.
Isabella stretched, then sat back down in her chair. She picked up her iPad and bit her lip around a smile, as she saw a notification on her Skype app. She opened it and was glad to see that the notification did indeed mean that Erin had messaged her.
BlackVelvetBitches: Hey, Ms. Writer. You online? I am for now, but I’m going to the movies with a friend soon. (Actually she’s waiting in the hall and looks grumpy that I’m taking so long. :-D) I just wanted to check if you wanted to chat tonight when I get back? I want to make sure you haven’t freaked out about all my questions about your life last night. ;-) Anyway, gotta go. Hope to see you tonight!
Her wristwatch showed it was only a little after nine. Erin was probably still in the cinema then.
Isabella felt a strange surge of energy pulse through her body. She couldn’t imagine anything better. She typed a reply for Erin to see as she left the movie theatre.
IsabellaMartinez1: Of course. I wouldn’t abandon my insomnia-and-coffee comrade. Just send me a message when you get back, and hopefully I’ll be awake to see it. I hope you and your friend are enjoying the movie.
She wondered what Erin was seeing and who she was with. Hadn’t she said that she rarely saw her friends?
Apparently, everyone but she and Alberto were being social tonight. Still, despite her plans, Erin had taken the time to make sure that she could talk to her afterward. The thought made Isabella smile. She put the tablet down and decided to close her eyes for a second. A few breaths later, she was asleep.
She woke with a start. Alberto was crying, and she had no idea what time it was.
She blinked her eyes clear from dried mascara and hurried to get him. She picked him up and walked him around. He still didn’t settle. This wasn’t a normal waking up, by the sounds of his plaintive crying—his stomach was hurting.
She hated when he was in pain. She couldn’t count the amount of times when she had asked the doctors if there was anything she could do, maybe stop eating and drinking something in particular, to help him. But the doctors just kept assuring her that it was normal, nothing to do with her habits, and that he would most likely grow out of it soon.
She did the belly rubbing on his front and then his back, while he lay on the
seat of her armchair. After a while, his desperate crying faded to little sobs.
Her own eyes were wet. When he was this upset, she couldn’t maintain her steely control. Alberto was her Achilles heel, and when he was in pain, she was in pain. She didn’t know if it was physical or mental, but she could feel her breasts ache, the same way they did when she hadn’t fed him for a while and they were full. She pushed the sensation away, annoyed at her body’s weakness.
She tried to compose herself and cleared her throat. “There, that’s better, isn’t it, Alberto?”
She dried his wet cheeks with her hand and kissed his little forehead and nose. His hands grabbed hold of fistfuls of her hair, and he clambered close to her, seeking body contact. She held him tight and felt his breathing calm.
Soon he was babbling, his voice a little raspy from crying so loudly. She spoke back in a calming voice, pretending they were having a conversation about his stomach. Obviously, he didn’t know what she was saying, but she knew that Alberto hearing speech would help him start to talk sooner and that her voice soothed him.
She’d done so much research when she’d found out she was pregnant. Asking her mother for help had been useless. She had merely stared at Isabella as if she were dumb. She could remember her mother’s words clearly.
Isabella, you call yourself independent, and I know you are not an imbecile. Surely you can figure out what a baby needs without books? However, if you want my advice, I recommend getting a full-time nanny and then returning to work. You have money to make and a family name to uphold.
The memory still made her angry. She would not be the cold and distant parent her own mother had been.
Alberto’s babbling slowed, and he grew silent and floppy on her shoulder. Even though he was clearly asleep, she didn’t dare wake him by putting him into the crib. She sat back down in her chair, Alberto sleeping on her left arm, and her right arm tapping at the iPad perched on her thigh. She checked the time, 11:23 p.m. She opened Skype and saw a message from about ten minutes earlier.
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