by Lana Davison
“Let’s get out,” he said, pushing his arms down on the side of the tub to lift his body up.
He was hard now and he wanted more. I was happy to give more and ready to receive some loving myself. We dried off and got into bed, facing each other. He kissed me tenderly and ran his strong hands over the side of my body stopping at my hips and then gently gliding his fingers back up towards my breast. He played with my breasts for a while cupping one breast in his hand and lowering his mouth to kiss it.
“Mmm. That feels nice.”
He kissed it some more and moved his hand down to my thigh so he could open up my legs. I could feel him hard next to my body and was enjoying the pleasures he was giving me. He entered me easily as I arched my back and moaned. He pushed and pushed, getting harder and faster.
“Oh, you are so good,” I encouraged.
“Yeah, that feels good. That feels real good,” he continued. And then he came. Before me and without me.
“You didn’t wait for me,” I said, upset.
“Sorry, I couldn’t wait any longer. Your body is divine. I just can’t stop myself.”
I couldn’t get angry at the compliment and, unfortunately, I couldn’t help comparing the way Johnny and I always came around the same time. He would wait for me. It was a million times better coming at the same time. Sean and I were still in the early stages of our relationship, coming at the same time would be something we could work at; there was plenty of time.
Sean had fallen into a deep sleep lying on his back and I was lying on my front with my face flat down on his toned chest. My mind raced as I thought about Johnny, wondering why, no matter how much I tried, I refused to let him go.
*****
Johnny returned to his apartment after a three month tour of Europe. Eliza was in Paris modeling and wasn’t due home for another two weeks. He was tired and thankful for some time to rest. Johnny undressed and climbed into bed and let his mind wander. He missed the company of a woman, of Jen…. When he was on his own sometimes he thought about what their life would be like if she was alive. He imagined her going on tour with him, keeping him on the straight and narrow. There would have been no need for any other women.
Johnny had come to believe that you only have one soul mate and that his had gone. That didn’t mean he couldn’t be happy, he could. He would never feel quite complete knowing that Jen was always the one, but he could be happy. Eliza made him happy.
He thought about how old Jen would have been now. Perhaps they would have had children. He wondered what their children would have looked like and what kind of personalities they would have had. How many children would they have wanted? This was a subject they never discussed because all they cared about back then was getting out of Rushton, being together and having a decent future. Memories were the only thing Johnny had of Jen, and they were there constantly.
As tired as he was, he couldn’t sleep, so Johnny got up and began to strum out some tunes on his guitar, writing some music and lyrics at the same time, another activity he and Jen use to do together.
How is it that two people can be made for each other and yet can’t be together? Isn’t that kind of cruel? Somehow he felt alone in the world, like a newborn baby, not knowing its parents but knowing they are loved. Johnny felt the same way; he knew Eliza loved him but they were no perfect match, at least from his point of view. He could only know this because he once had perfection and everything else in life would be an endless comparison. Still it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved before.
Lately Eliza had been dropping hints about a formal commitment. She said she was twenty-seven years old now and wanted to have a child before she was thirty. Johnny didn’t know how he felt about that, but he figured he would probably have to put a ring on her finger if he wanted to keep her.
The turmoil and sadness that sometimes came over him was painful. He didn’t like feeling down but life had thrown him some cruel curve balls but equally thrown him unbelievable opportunities, making his life more privileged than most and, for that reason, he felt guilty wishing for more.
Johnny hadn’t slept during the night, still awake after ten hours, even though the tiredness was overwhelming. Sometimes he had music moments where he would get into the zone and write for hours. Sometimes, when he felt melancholy, he wrote the most poignant songs.
He put his guitar on the ground, then rolled his body down on his bed and fell into a deep sleep… dreaming of all the things that were in his head.
“Let her out,” he shouted at the guard. “I’ll give you everything I have, everything. Let her out.”
“Johnny!” Jen cried out from another cell. He couldn’t see her but he could hear her. “Johnny, where are you? I need you.”
“I’m coming. I promise I’ll be there,” he shouted in frustration.
The guard said nothing and Johnny didn’t know how he was going to free her, but all he knew was they had to be together. The pain of being alone, not being able to see each other was killing them both and the guard knew it.
The guard laughed, “I won’t release her and there is nothing you can do.”
“Please,” Johnny pleaded. “I’ll do anything.”
The guard decided to play with their emotions and released Jen from her cell bringing her out to Johnny in the waiting room, but the guard refused to free her. She tried to touch Johnny, he leaned forward to meet her hand, but they couldn’t quite reach each other. They were almost there, only short by a couple of centimeters. This was maddening. He felt helpless. The circumstances around them were out of his control and there was nothing he could do.
“I’ll wait Jen. I promise I’ll wait for you,” he said, looking desperate for her to understand.
Saddened, Jen looked down at her bare feet still in chains; a prisoner who had been taken away for no reason.
“Listen you’ve got it all wrong. She’s done nothing wrong. You should be looking for someone else.” But the guards would not answer Johnny; instead tormenting him with their silence.
“I’m going nowhere Jen. I will always be here for you. Always,” he shouted, as they began to drag her back to her cell.
Jen stopped looking directly at Johnny with her big eyes. “That’s what you said last time,” she accused.
Johnny jumped slightly and woke up… The sheets were wet from sweat.
“Bloody dream,” he said to himself, lifting the wet sheets off his body.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
The American Music Awards were due to start in a few hours and Johnny and Eliza got ready together in their hotel room.
Johnny put on his black leather trousers and leather waistcoat. They gave him a real rock star gothic look, the way his fans liked him to look, giving him a seductive edge. His hair was cut to collar length with a long fringe trained to fall effortlessly to the side of his face. The tapered wispy layers shaped his face, complimenting his jaw line and giving off a sexy casualness about it. He didn’t have to try hard with his looks, he was blessed with a chiselled, yet rugged, handsomeness that, combined with his musical talent, had made him a sensation with his adoring fans.
Eliza put on a short fitted purple dress that hugged her flawless curves perfectly. They looked like the ‘beautiful couple’, two good-looking people going out together and the tabloids loved it. A picture of Johnny and Eliza together made a lot of money. Knowing this they often went to social events separately hoping the paparazzi would get fed up of trying to get at least one good photo of the two of them together.
Now it was time for their entourage to enter, including hair and make up people, security, assistants and Hunter Management. The final touches were made and then they took the lift to the basement floor where the limousine met them. The driver opened a door first for Eliza and then for Johnny. They got into the back of the car and Eliza fixed her dress to sit perfectly on her body while she sat because, when it was time to get out, she had to make sure she could get out faultlessly. She di
dn’t need her underwear parading every tabloid paper or magazine that ever existed. Eliza was not the type of girl to get caught off guard, she thought things through, especially when it involved a photograph of herself.
Johnny took her hand. “You look beautiful as always.”
“Thank you.” She smiled slightly. “I’m feeling a little nervous tonight.”’
“No need to feel nervous. You look amazing and you’ve done these type of awards before.”
“I know, I know,” she nodded, understanding her statement sounded ridiculous given she was an old hand at this. Twelve years she had been modelling and for the last seven years she had been at the top of the business along with only a handful of other girls. Eliza was in constant demand and could command top dollar for a day’s work.
Silence hit as they looked out the car window at the streets of Los Angeles. Johnny had a few things on his mind keeping him preoccupied. He wondered whether he should ask Eliza to marry him tonight. She had given him enough hints over the past few months and maybe he ought to say something officially at the awards. He kept thinking about how she would respond. Would she like him to propose in front of the whole world? Or would she prefer it to be between the two of them? He didn’t even have a ring, but that was easy enough to organize. His mind wandered over to thoughts about Jen. Surely she would want him to be happy. He knew she would, she was so unselfish, just another quality he adored about the woman he would no longer hold ever again.
As the limo pulled up in front of the theatre, Johnny and Eliza got full view of the frenzy going on outside. Crowds of people stood everywhere. Johnny’s management team and security got out of the car in front and walked over to collect Johnny and Eliza. Security opened the door and waited as Johnny and then Eliza got out. Johnny took Eliza’s hand and held her tight making sure she was safe with him. The television cameras honed in on them so that everyone could see them at home on their TV sets. The paparazzi went wild, flashes went off everywhere so it was hard to stop blinking. They were quickly ushered to the red carpet where they would be interviewed and photographed in a gentler manner.
*****
I sat indoors on my own in my pajamas and a long cardigan used as a dressing gown. My hair was still damp from having just washed it. I was glad to have the evening to myself as I wanted to watch the music awards on TV. I secretly wanted to watch Johnny. In spite of everything, I remained interested in his life.
Sean was thankfully at a work dinner that would probably last all night and, although we were not officially living together, he did spend a lot of his time at my place. He expected the work dinner to be long and arduous, discussing a new development opportunity on the East side of Manhattan.
I curled up on my little sofa with my TV a short distance away, eating a large bowl of popcorn.
I gasped as I saw Johnny. He looked as sexy as ever. I shoved a handful of popcorn in my mouth without looking at the bowl, so I would not miss a second of him live on TV. The camera then moved onto Eliza. It was true, they were still together and they looked amazing. I was kind of happy for Johnny, happy that he had finally found a partner, someone who seemed perfect for him. Eliza was one hell of a lucky lady. While I felt happy for Johnny, I felt sadness too. What had happened to us? Where did it all go wrong? The only feasible answer I could come up with was that Johnny had decided to play the field instead of getting bogged down with a teenager, unworldly with so much to learn about real life. I could almost forgive him for leaving me.
I lent forward turning the volume up on the TV as I crunched on more popcorn. “So Johnny, your band is up for a lot of awards tonight, how do you think you will go?” the interviewer asked.
Johnny talked directly into the microphone “There’s no doubt there are a lot of good acts out there now. It would be great to win again this year, but we will see soon enough,” he beamed.
“How does your latest album compare with the others?”
“Our music has evolved as has the band, and we try and move with the times and write and play music about how we are feeling at the time. Sometimes we write music from someone else’s perspective. There are no hard and fast rules, we do what feels right and hope our fans like it.”
I nodded at the TV as if I understood where he was coming from. I remembered the way we used to spend hours talking about music and, even better, the times that Johnny played his music for me as if my opinion counted. Perhaps it did back then.
“Johnny, I see you’ve bought the lovely Eliza along with you.”
“I have,” Johnny said, eyeing up his girlfriend.
“Eliza always looks amazing,” the interviewer stated as Eliza pushed herself closer to Johnny’s side.
“Oh yes, she always looks sensational,” Johnny laughed.
“Eliza, are the rumors true? Are you and Mr Johnny Cromwell getting married?”
She laughed, slightly embarrassed but composed herself quickly. “Well, you will just have to wait and see.”
“So that’s a yes?”
“No. That’s a wait and see.”
“So that’s a no?”
“No. That’s me not answering your question.”
“So there you have it, folks,” the interviewer said, talking at the camera lens. “Johnny and Eliza not confirming if they are getting married or not, but not denying it either.
I sat back on the sofa and looked up at the ceiling. Was he getting married or wasn’t he? Why did I still care?
I turned off the TV and rang Daniel for a chat. He was also watching the Music Awards.
“Did you see Johnny Cromwell tonight?” Daniel asked.
“Yes.”
“Oh, my God. If I were heterosexual I would stop at nothing to get to him. Isn’t he to die for? Did you see what he was wearing? I am so in love. I wish he were gay. Why are all the good ones heterosexual?”
“Well, I could say that about a lot of homosexuals too. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.”
“You’re so right, girlfriend,” Daniel said with a hillbilly accent for emphasis. “And what about that Eliza, pretty stunning don’t you think?”
“Yeah she’s pretty stunning,” I huffed, confirming the truth.
“Oh, honey…. Do I sense a slight hint of jealousy?”
“No,” I proudly said. “Not at all.”
“Well, honey, let me just tell you something now, you ain’t got anything to worry about. You’re pretty breathtaking on a day you’re not even trying.”
“And that’s why I love you, Daniel. You always say the nicest things.”
“Darling, it’s true. One day you will believe me. Anyway how’s that sexy boyfriend of yours?”
“Working, so I’m just staying in watching the awards.”
“Oh, me too. We could have watched it together. Never mind,” he said in retrospect.
“I haven’t seen you for a while.”
“Well, that’s because you’re too loved up with Sean. Isn’t he wonderful? I’m so glad I matched you two up. I knew you were perfect for each other.”
“He is one of the good guys,” I agreed, “and so very good to me. Listen I’m going to put the kettle on, I’ll call you back,” I said.
I made a cup of tea and used the bathroom, ready to resume my conversation with Daniel. I picked up the phone next to my bed, dialled his number and flopped back onto the bed.
“It’s me,” I said.
“Have you got your TV on?” Daniel asked.
“No. I switched it off.”
“Jen, get the TV on. Johnny’s up there accepting an award.”
I ran from my bed over to the TV with the phone and turned it on. There was Johnny and his band up on stage thanking all the people who have helped them get where they were. Johnny took the microphone and announced: “We’d like to thank our fans first and foremost, for without you we would be nothing. We would also like to thank Hunter Management for helping make this band what it is today. And then there’s friends, famil
y and loved ones and not in that order. Thank you, thank you,” he said, holding up the award for everyone to see.
“He didn’t thank Eliza,” I said out loud, not meaning to.
“Yes, quite right. I suppose he couldn’t just thank her, then he would have to thank all the other band members’ girlfriends and families.”
“The other band members could have said their own thank you for themselves,” I announced, trying to look for faults in Johnny’s relationship.
“Well, I’m not sure that’s how it works. You know they are on a tight schedule up there. Just say a quick thank you and then off. Besides I can’t stand it when they go on and on thanking anyone and everyone. It’s like listening to a boring story about characters you don’t even know.”
“Yes, I don’t like long thank you speeches. For one thing, if it were me up there thanking everyone for my writing career; I would surely forget someone.”
“Well, as long as it’s not me, then I don’t care.”
“You’re wicked.”
“Me? Look at you with your little secret crush on Johnny Cromwell.”
“What?” I said long and drawn out.
“It’s true. You’ve got all the CDs and you love the music, you agree he’s good looking.”
“So?”
“So, you have a secret crush. It’s OK. Nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“Well, I don’t think I do.”
“Now I know you definitely do.”
“What do you mean?”
“Because you’re denying it. Classic denial means you don’t want anyone to know.”
“Whatever…” I said trying to make out I didn’t care. “If you say so.”
“Classic denial again. I do say so.”
“Boring.”