But I’m still searching the crowd. There he is, as I somehow knew he would be. His focus on me, leaning forward in his seat, oblivious to the strangers drinking and talking around him.
Luc. He smiles.
My focus widens. Jolie is watching, intensity in her face and her hands clasped. Finn and Cass both have their attention on me. Not each other. I can feel their support.
Then I look back to Luc.
I nod to the old guy by the stereo. I’m ready, or as ready as I can be. I grip the mic to still my shaking hand as he leans forward and presses play.
Two seconds of silence follow, then the lead guitar comes in, and the fine hairs on my skin rise in anticipation.
I can almost hear Dan in my head, can see him standing on the couch, playing air guitar.
‘Doi, doi, da-doi . . . nearly your bit, Zo,’ he’d call midriff. My bit being the singing, of course, because he had to focus on lead guitar—‘the one to get the ladies,’ he told me.
I wouldn’t always sing on request. Those times, he’d yell the lyrics himself at the top of his lungs, butchering the melody so badly I’d have to come in on the chorus just to shut him up.
But tonight there’s only me.
My heart races as the guitar solo reaches the end . . . And I’m singing. The words flow from somewhere deeper than my chest. Words I know so well, harmonised terribly in my mind by someone who’ll never sing again.
Smiling, I sing for Dan.
I give myself over to the memory, ignoring the ache, savouring the joy.
Clear and strong, my voice doesn’t waver. I meet the gazes of the strangers in the crowd, letting them see into my soul because I can’t hide on the stage. But at the same time, I’m seeing my brother’s laughing face, superimposed over it all but just out of reach.
Each word rips a little and heals a little, and I finally find Luc again. Jolie is beside him, her head on his shoulder, but they’re both watching me. It looks like she’s crying.
The last word falls from my lips. The guitar fades.
There’s a moment of silence.
And then applause, long and loud, that rings in my ears. Tears sting my eyes but I’m smiling as I move through the crowd. Luc’s on his feet when I get back to our table. ‘You did it!’
He lifts me high, spinning me around until I’m dizzy and laughing.
‘I did it,’ I say when he sets me down. I’m breathless but I don’t care. I did it.
His hands drop to his sides and I have to fight the urge to grab them. Our gazes meet and I see the understanding in his eyes. He knows what that meant to me.
‘Good one,’ says Finn from across the other side of the table where he’s sipping another beer.
‘Thanks,’ I say.
I look to Cass. Her eyes are red and her make-up is smeared, forming black rings under her eyes. ‘He would have been so proud,’ she says simply. I feel a little of the tension between us fade.
Jolie says nothing but the way she punches my arm is enough.
It turns out it wasn’t winning that I needed to make me happy. When they announce that I came second, it feels pretty damn good. The winner, a girl all of ten years old with the biggest baby blue eyes I’ve ever seen, blew everyone else out of the water.
‘Well done,’ says Cass softly.
I’ve known her for too long not to hear the sincerity in her tone, and I realise there’s no pleasure in beating her. ‘Thank you,’ I reply. ‘Were we that good at ten?’
She grins. ‘We’d never have got up there—I’d have been way too nervous.’
I grin. ‘Yep, we would have been in the bathroom, me holding back your hair.’
She reaches across the table and squeezes my hand, and then Jolie is back, waving an envelope with my name on it, and the moment is gone.
‘I can’t believe she trusted you with that,’ says Luc to Jolie.
She looks affronted. ‘I’m very trustworthy.’
I use my prize money to buy everyone dessert and we head back to the camp site with our stomachs full of gooey chocolate pudding and whipped cream.
It’s only eleven pm when we step out onto the well-lit street, but the emotion of singing has exhausted me. And while the pool lounge last night was magic, I’m not holding my breath that I’ll escape the nightmares again. A strong breeze stirs my skirt and I fight a shiver, although it’s hardly cold.
Finn and Cass walk ahead, and I notice they don’t hold hands. Jolie has paused to check her phone, so I fall into step with Luc.
‘I wanted to talk to you,’ he says.
My heart flips but I try for calm. ‘About?’
He glances up at the heavy clouds overhead. ‘It might be a good night to stay in.’
‘I’ll be fine,’ I say, hoping he can’t hear my disappointment. I don’t know what I’d hoped he was going to say, but I wasn’t expecting a safety message.
‘You were so good on that stage,’ Jolie tells me as she catches up. She shakes her head in amazement, her curls bouncing.
‘Thank you.’ I glow a little inside at her words but can’t quite let myself enjoy the moment. I’ve been here before, almost happy, but then the sadness reared back up and devoured me. I thought getting back with Finn might make me happy, but now I’m not sure anything will.
‘That was even better than when you were Ariel,’ Jolie continues. Her lips twitch. ‘Although I did kind of miss the skates that you wore for the musical theatre performance.’
‘I missed the tail,’ Luc agrees.
It’s still surreal to think that they were in the crowd that night. I wonder what might have happened if I’d met Luc then, when things were just beginning with Finn.
‘You two have no idea how hard it was to wear that costume. I’d never skated a day in my life and they expected me to glide on stage with that tail hanging off my butt . . . while singing!’
‘It was brilliant,’ Jolie insists. ‘It looked just like you were swimming.’
‘Really?’
Luc’s laughter chases the cold wind away. ‘My sister, the mermaid expert.’
As he laughs our fingers brush, sending tingles up my arm. It happens again on the next step. Accident? I sneak a glance his way but I can’t tell. I’m so caught up trying to work out if he’s doing it deliberately that I miss most of Jolie’s spiel on her mermaid expertise.
‘All the princesses, actually,’ she finishes.
‘Give up,’ I tell Luc. ‘You can’t win.’
‘Don’t be so sure,’ he replies. And this time when our fingers touch, I know it’s no accident.
* * *
I wake, heart thudding. Where am I?
Luc! I have to . . . I blink. The tent wall fills my vision and I roll over, trying to minimise the rustle of my sleeping bag as I seek out the shadows of the others. It was a dream, of course, another nightmare. But I can’t shake the image of Luc’s face, pale and blue. It’s there every time I close my eyes, sinking beneath the waves as I try desperately to drag him back to the surface. There’s no way I’ll get back to sleep now.
The wind has picked up and it’s slapping against the side of the tent, eager to get inside. However, the rain is light, and there’s no sign of any thunder or lightning.
I look over to where Luc lies sleeping peacefully. My vision adjusts to the low light. His mouth is slightly open, his hair even messier than when he’s awake.
And then I blink and his skin is pale and waxy again, his lips tinged blue.
I drag my hand across my eyes. The high of performing Dan’s song is long gone. I have to do something to get this out of my brain.
I think about Luc’s warning about the weather, but it’s not even raining. Not really. Just a light drizzle, which I probably won’t notice once I begin to move. I need to move.
I reach into my bag for a jacket but what I pull out stills me. The grey hoodie with its tattered red surfie logo heats my skin like coals left sitting in a long dormant fire. The warmth spreads through my body
.
Dan’s jumper. The one I stole from the washing basket the day after he died. I don’t know why it was there—he’d long since lived away from home. He’d probably left it behind after a weekend visit and Mum, being Mum, had put it in the wash to return to him clean.
I’ve only ever worn it when no-one else would see. I didn’t want anyone to suggest I should return it. Shivani has everything else he owned. This is mine.
I don’t even remember packing it for this trip but I pull the pilled, warm material over my head and settle the hood on my back. For a while, it smelt like Dan. Now it just smells. I don’t care. I’m not going to wash it.
I slip out of the tent, careful not to make a sound. I glance back one last time before zipping it closed. No-one has moved or stirred. They sleep in blissful oblivion.
Lucky them.
I cross the camping area and climb down the path, scrambling to catch my balance as my foot slips. Reaching the beach, I wrap my arms around myself against the cold. The sharp gusts of salty air and biting sand are like slaps to my bare skin, but I don’t turn back.
Trembling takes over as I begin to think. And think.
I will never see Dan again.
Out in the night with the raindrops stinging my face, all the tactics I’ve used to keep the darkness at bay are stripped away.
How can I keep going when I’ve lost Dan and managed to screw up everything?
I know I should be over it by now. At first people were kind and understanding, but then they grew impatient with my wallowing. Like there’s a use-by date on pain. Then they wanted me to go back to normal. Whatever that is.
I thought I wanted that too. But now I wonder if I’m just going along with what everyone else wants.
Out here, with the ground sinking and shifting beneath my feet, there’s nowhere to hide. I’m alone with my grief and my helplessness and my rage. I throw my head back and let the wind take my sobs, my hair blowing into my eyes and my mouth. I cry until my throat is raw and the sound is nothing more than a whimper.
Not because I think it will help—I know it won’t—but because I have no choice.
‘Zoey.’
It’s Luc. He’s somehow in front of me in the rain, wearing nothing but board shorts and understanding. His body is slick with rain. I don’t know how I could feel attracted to anyone right now, but I want to touch him. So bad. I want to feel alive.
I reach out, put two hands on his chest and push hard. Away.
‘You were asleep,’ I shout.
‘I’m here now.’ He pushes his hair back from his eyes but the wind and rain whip it right back where it was.
‘Go away,’ I say. But as much as I want him to leave me alone, I want him to stay even more. I can’t say it, though. I’ve messed up too many times to deserve anyone. ‘Leave me alone.’
He takes a step towards me. My tears are flowing now, but I think they must be disguised by the rain because he doesn’t look freaked out, and now he’s so close that despite the wind and the rain I can smell that raw sweetness of him.
His head lowers. Slowly, like he’s asking a question. The end of the one he started when we looked at the house, when we swam side by side, when his hands massaged sunscreen into my skin. His eyes are dark shadows and mine sting with tears.
I lift my mouth to his.
My eyes close as our lips meet, and for a moment there’s nothing in the world but Luc. I’m melting into the kiss. Into him. Only our lips touch, but I feel the heat through my whole body, spreading warmth to the dark cold places inside me. Burning through the grief, and the walls I’ve put up to keep from losing my mind completely. I lean closer.
I need this.
Need him.
His hand cups my jaw, pushing my wet hair back over my shoulder, and his tongue teases against my lower lip. My lips part and I angle my head to deepen the kiss.
My hands meet at the back of his bare neck and find the curls in his hair. I can’t stop touching him. I’m hungry to get closer, for more of this delicious sensation, this sweet oblivion. I’m so caught up in the moment, it blows away the rest of the world and the storm growing overhead.
He pulls back a little, rests his forehead against mine. ‘You are so—’
The crush of my mouth on his cuts him off. I’m past words, and he seems to understand. He tells me instead with his hands, tracing along my neck and through the tangles of my hair with something like reverence. Here in the rain, in my brother’s old hoodie, I’ve never felt more beautiful.
Luc presses his body against me and I stand on tiptoe, drawing him closer.
Full of daring now, my hands explore his chest, feeling the thud of his heart and the contours of his muscles. His mouth is hungry and gentle and I think I could kiss him all night and never need to sleep or dream again. He’s nothing like any guy I’ve kissed before.
The thought of other guys shatters the moment like it’s made of glass. Finn . . . My plan to get my life back . . . I’m not even sure anymore if it’s the right thing to do, but making out with Luc is a decision I’m not ready to make.
Somehow I find the strength to push him away. ‘No. Stop. I don’t want this.’
His soft lips thin to a hard line, his frustration evident in the jerkiness of each breath. His hands are clenched at his sides, like he wants both to reach for me and run from me. Like he can’t decide.
‘It felt like you wanted this,’ he says.
And I get that. I do. ‘You’re right,’ I say as the rain grows heavier. I don’t know if he can hear me at all. ‘I wasn’t trying to say that.’
He laughs, but it’s a bitter sound. ‘Oh, glad we cleared that up. Awesome.’
‘I just . . . this isn’t what I want. You’re not what I want.’
If anything his face shutters even more, and I wish I could take back my words, find a better way to say it, but right now it’s the truth. Hooking up with Luc fulfils everyone’s expectations. It’s what the version of myself that I hate would have done, and following her instinct messed everything up.
I’m breathing hard, trying to come up with the words to make him understand. Despite everything, I can’t quite wish back that kiss. I wipe at the tears and rain on my face with my sleeve. Dan’s sleeve. I’m crazy and messed up and I hate that I’m dragging him into my sorry life, but I’m not the only one to blame. ‘You should have known,’ I shout at him. ‘You were the one who said I’d hurt Finn. Why didn’t you keep away?’
‘You think I didn’t try?’
I ignore the stupid stab of hurt that rips through me. ‘Well, now you know why everyone thinks I’m such a head case.’
‘I don’t think that.’
I can’t let myself be swayed. Being with Luc isn’t part of the plan. It’s not going to take me back to the time when I was happy.
I don’t say the words aloud, but he must read it in my face.
He shakes his head and now there’s not just frustration, but disappointment too. I cross my arms against my body, feeling the chill in my bones. Well, he can add himself to the long line of people who feel the same way. My parents, my friends, Finn. I can’t let myself care anymore. I’m tired of pain.
Luc reaches out and grips my shoulders so I can’t turn away. ‘You’re scared,’ he says.
‘Scared?’ I force a laugh.
‘You’re scared because this,’ he gestures between us, ‘is real, and if we go for it and it doesn’t work, you’ll get hurt. Finn is safe, because you don’t really care about him anymore.’
‘And you think I care about you?’
‘I’m sure of it.’
‘Cocky, aren’t you?’
‘No. I just know I’m not alone in this. You probably don’t even like Finn, let alone love him.’ He’s shouting to be heard over the storm, but there’s no way I can miss a word.
‘That’s not true.’
‘You think that he’s safe and easy, and you’ll be happy with him because you were before. But you’re not the sa
me person anymore, and neither is he. Real happiness is when you throw yourself into something that you know could break you, but it feels so damn good that you know it’s worth the risk.’ His voice cracks and I think his eyes are shining, but when he looks at me again I decide it was probably just the rain. ‘I think I could make you happy.’
I pull away, afraid I’ll look down to see pieces of me scattered in the sand. ‘Well, that’s where you’re wrong. I don’t think anyone can.’
This time when I run along the beach, Luc doesn’t follow.
CHAPTER
14
It’s cold outside but soon your touch will warm my aching soul. All I need is your forgiveness and I will again be whole.
‘Home’—GRAY
I’m wide awake when the first rays of the morning sun sneak through the canvas of the tent. Thinking about Luc, of course. About his mouth and his touch and everything he said, or more accurately yelled, on the beach.
Goosebumps rise on my skin at the memory and I snuggle deeper into the soft material of my sleeping bag, determined not to look at Luc. After I fled, I ran until my legs burned, and then some. He didn’t stir when I finally stumbled back into the tent, and I resisted the urge to wake him.
Mainly because I don’t know what I would say. You’re right? You have no idea?
Sorry I’ve screwed everything up again?
It might be a start, but what comes after that? I do know Finn never made me feel like Luc does. And I lied when I said I didn’t want to kiss him.
There’s a snort on the opposite side of the tent and I glance over to see a sleeping Finn throw an arm out and just about connect with Cass’s head. Like so often in the last few days, I stare at my ex and try once again to find the love I once felt at the sight of his handsome features. Back when I was happy and complete and had everything under control.
But there’s nothing. No spark, no interest, and certainly not the love I remember feeling.
But he knew Daniel.
Not that you’d know it from the way he acts.
I can’t help but compare him to Luc, and Finn is the one who’s found wanting. When Luc looks at me, he sees everything, good and bad, and he keeps looking. I’ve only known him for a few days and yet I’ve shared more with him than I have with anyone.
The Last Days of Us Page 13