CHAPTER
15
Don’t sleep yet, though it’s getting late, I’m coming back to you. Home is where the heart is, has never been more true.
‘Home’—GRAY
I always thought of myself as a beach girl. I’ve lived by the coast my whole life, and I didn’t think it could get much better than having salt in the air and hot sand between my toes. But a couple of hours after we leave the campsite I’m walking through the rainforest heading towards Erskine Falls and rethinking that idea.
It’s not just the moss-covered trees towering over me or the cool green light filtering through the branches above. It’s the damp air, fresh against my skin, and the way the leaves muffle everything around me. For a long time after Dan died everything seemed too loud, like someone had turned up the volume to painful, and I’d never find peace again. Walking along the trail towards the waterfall, Luc at my side in that silent but still present way he has about him, the serenity has me smiling.
Cass stayed in the van, complaining of a headache after taking a turn behind the wheel, but she didn’t meet my gaze and I saw her begin to text as we left. Once, I would have pressed her further about this mystery man, not only for Finn’s sake but because you hear stories about people faking identities online. But although we’re talking again, I don’t think she’s quite ready to hear a lecture from me.
Finn and Jolie were happy to stay at the lookout, just a short walk from the car park. We left them there taking pictures of the falls and sharing stories of family holidays when they were kids.
That left Luc and me alone to trek to the second lookout via the steps cut into the side of the hill. We’re surrounded by power-walking grannies and excited kids who overtake us every few minutes.
One little girl, maybe six years old, her blonde curls in a tangle, passes us at a run. A man’s voice calls out, telling her to slow down or she’ll fall. A moment later his prediction comes true as she slips and lands on her butt in the middle of a fern.
Her lower lip quivers, her face scrunches up and she begins to cry, silent gulping sobs.
‘Are you okay?’ Luc asks.
We both crouch down, checking for signs of injury.
‘Your dad won’t be long,’ I say. The voice didn’t sound too far behind us.
The little girl’s blue eyes shine with tears. ‘Mitchell’s not my dad.’
‘Is he your son?’ Luc asks, his face serious.
She blinks, tears dripping off her long black eyelashes, then her pink lips curve. She giggles. ‘No. He’s my cousin.’
Luc’s nod remains serious. ‘I’m here with my cousin too.’
The little girl’s gaze swings to me. ‘Are you his cousin?’
‘No.’
She claps her hands together and the rainbow bracelets on her wrist jangle against each other. ‘You’re his girlfriend. Does that mean you’re getting married?’
The arrival of a guy not much older than us saves me from having to answer the question. ‘Sorry,’ he says. He smiles down at the little girl. ‘Are you okay? I told you not to run. If you’re hurt, your mum will kill me.’
She seems to consider. ‘I think I’m okay, but I probably need a piggyback.’
His hands go to his hips. ‘But then your brother and sister will want piggybacks too.’
She bats her eyelashes. ‘Please, Mitch, my knee really hurts.’ She begins to sniffle again.
A moment later a young boy in a soccer shirt appears. He takes in the scene at a glance. ‘If she gets a piggyback, I want one too.’
It’s a stand-off, with Mitch caught in the middle. I suspect the little girl will win.
‘Quick,’ whispers Luc. ‘Let’s escape before they rope me into giving her brother a piggyback.’
We leave them to their negotiations and continue down the trail. Luc offers his hand to help me over one particularly slippery section and I don’t complain when he doesn’t let go. My heart thuds so loud at the contact that it takes me a second to realise he’s speaking.
‘What did you do?’
It shows how well I’ve come to know him in such a short time that I don’t need him to explain. I know from his tone—cautious and curious—it’s the same question he asked the other day. Back then, I thought it was annoyance at his prying that kept me from telling him the truth.
Now, I know it was shame. I don’t want him to know. I don’t want Luc, who’s so strong and good and decent, to know who I became after Daniel died; the things I did.
We stop. He lets go of my hand and waits.
‘It’s in the past,’ I say, feigning interest in the bark of a nearby tree. ‘It’s better if it stays that way.’
‘You say that, but it isn’t in the past. Not really. It’s there when you look at Finn and Cass. It’s here between us now, making you unable to look me in the eye. It’s there in the way you duck your head and expect me to judge you. Whatever you did can’t be as bad as you’re making out.’
‘Stop.’ I push at his arm, swallowing past a lump in my throat.
‘What?’
‘Stop being so nice. I’ll think aliens have invaded your body.’
He squeezes his mouth shut but whatever he’s not saying seems to be taking considerable effort.
I sigh. ‘Go on, say it, whatever it is.’
‘No, you just admitted I can be nice.’ He shakes his head. ‘I’ll keep my brilliant jokes to myself.’
I walk on and he doesn’t press me for an answer, but forgetting his question isn’t so easy. He knows some of it, but knowing the whole story might end whatever is between us before it can really even begin.
‘I cheated on him.’ I blurt it out without looking at Luc.
‘When?’
He doesn’t sound like he hates me, but I don’t dare look at him to check. Instead I up the pace, my thongs sliding in the mud. Maybe if I get this out before we reach the lookout everything will be okay.
‘There was a party. Finn didn’t want to come, he didn’t want to be around me much at all by then and I guess I don’t blame him.’ The words tumble out. ‘I begged him to come, texted him a dozen times, rang him as well, but he didn’t answer. Maybe I knew what would happen if I went alone. He said he was tired—of me, I think. Me and my drama.’ Shame soaks me with sweat and I wish for the cool breeze of the beach. It’s like the trees have closed in around me, leaving me sticky and short of breath.
Luc doesn’t say anything. He probably hates me now that he knows how much of a mess I was.
But it’s too late to change anything, and he should know who I really am. ‘Anyway, I’d taken to drinking at parties. A lot. It wasn’t pretty.’
I glance behind me then, but only at Luc’s feet, making sure he’s following, because I’m not going to be able to say this again.
‘I started doing shots, and this guy told me I was beautiful.’ Oh god, it sounds even lamer out loud. I’m tempted to try to explain about the emptiness I’d been feeling, about how desperately alone I was. How mind-numbingly drunk. But they’re excuses and we’re at the waterfall now but I can’t take it in because I have to finish. ‘The guy led me into a room and that’s when Finn decided to show up after all.’
‘That’s it?’
Luc’s still standing behind me but I don’t turn to look at him. I’m only seeing the past, and some guy whose name I must have known at some point kissing me, touching me.
Thanks to the alcohol it was like his words spun around me in a rainbow of colours and I could separate myself from what my body was doing, and from the sad little nagging voice in my head. Being beautiful seemed like a really good thing to be. Better than being broken and alone.
Then the door opened.
I covered my eyes against the light, but not fast enough to avoid seeing Finn’s face.
‘That’s it,’ I whisper. ‘It’s enough.’
Luc’s hands on my shoulders turn me towards him but I close my eyes. I can’t stand to see the condemnation in his fac
e.
‘Look at me, Zoey.’
‘I don’t want to.’
‘Then don’t.’ His forehead touches mine and I feel his warm breath on my face. ‘You made a mistake, everyone makes them.’
‘A big one.’
His hands slip up to cradle my face and his lips kiss the tears from my eyes. ‘One mistake doesn’t define you.’
‘You don’t know that.’
‘But I know you.’
‘Hardly.’ I put my hands to his chest, determined to push him away but I can’t do it. ‘It’s been what, three days?’
He says nothing. He doesn’t move an inch. The sounds of others arriving at the lookout combine with the splash of water on rock and bird noises.
Luc is silent.
I can’t help opening my eyes.
His crinkle at the corners. ‘I like you, Zoey. A lot. The kind of like that has me thinking about when I’ll see you back home, not if. The kind of like that feels like the beginning of something.’
I breathe in. My lungs fill with sweet forest air and I’m so light inside I could float away. Except his hands anchor me and keep me on the ground. ‘I like you too.’
‘But you should know that the Zoey I like is the one here in front of me right now. You’re not some single moment from your past. I like the Zoey who’s funny and smart and hot, and sometimes drifts off in that way that I guess is you thinking about your brother. The girl who hates mint ice-cream and whose voice burns my insides when she sings.’
‘But I’m that other Zoey too.’ He has to know it. I’m not going to make the same mistake, but I know I’ll make others.
‘I don’t want you to pretend the past doesn’t exist. But I want to get to know you in the present . . . and the future.’
It’s a promise of a fresh start, and I think that he means it. He really means it. ‘I want to get to know you too,’ I say shyly. ‘I need to tell you that I don’t want Finn. I thought I did, I thought that getting everything back to how it was before would make me happy.’
‘And now?’
He wants me to be sure. And I am. I should have realised before now. It’s not like I haven’t had opportunities to win Finn back. That first night, playing truth and dare, I could have told everyone that hurting Finn is my biggest regret, but I couldn’t do it.
Part of me knew, even then.
‘It would have been a mistake. He’s a good guy, but he’s not for me.’
Luc exhales. Is that relief in his eyes? ‘Got anyone else in mind?’
‘I don’t know,’ I tease. ‘I’ve started to think I’m pretty good on my own.’
‘You are.’
‘But that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun.’
His hands at my waist pull me close. ‘I like fun.’
‘You? Mr Grumpy?’
He mock frowns. ‘I’m not always grumpy.’
‘Not always,’ I agree.
When I look away from Luc long enough to notice the waterfall, it’s almost as breathtaking as he is.
The little girl we saw before doesn’t stop for long when they finally reach the lookout. I pretend not to hear her telling two girls who look like her big sisters that Luc and I are going to get married.
Then we’re alone in the peace and quiet.
‘This place is so amazing, I might stay here forever,’ I say lightly. The scenery is pretty great. The waterfall is framed by moss-drenched trees, soaked in the deepest of greens. It’s cool and fresh, but mostly I’m speaking just so I don’t have to think about being alone with Luc. So I don’t have to remember how it felt to kiss him last night.
Because I want to kiss him again, and this feels like the perfect time, but I can’t quite summon the courage.
‘What about the concert?’ he asks.
I shrug. ‘Maybe if Gray was called Green I’d be tempted to leave.’
‘You know, missing the concert would totally work for me, but Jolie has this dream . . .’ He catches himself. ‘I can’t disappoint her.’
I settle on a damp log and cross my arms. ‘What are you going to do about it?’
He closes the distance between us and stands in front of me. I look up, and he gently tugs me to my feet.
‘You’re never moving?’ he murmurs.
‘Never.’
He lifts his hands, his intent clear in the curve of his lip and the spark in his eye. You dared me, it says.
And as he moves closer, I stand frozen, heart hammering, and let him.
But just when I’m sure a kiss is inevitable, he stops short. I would bet almost anything that he wants to kiss me, nearly as much as I want him to. But he’s waiting for me to make the first move.
And I can’t quite bring myself to close the gap. It’s as though, now that Finn’s out of the picture, this thing between me and Luc is taking over everything. I’m afraid that if I’m not careful I’ll somehow wreck this too, by rushing it.
So I don’t move.
I fizz with anticipation, but I don’t move. We stand there, by the waterfall, our mouths close, almost kissing, but not quite, until I think I might melt on the spot.
Then I step away, heart pounding. ‘We’d better catch up to the others.’
He doesn’t remind me that I was never, ever moving, which saves me from having to admit that the best thing about the scene is coming with me, his hand entwined with mine.
* * *
Luc’s dad organised the apartment we’re staying in tonight, and it isn’t until we’re nearly there that I realise it’s in one of Melbourne’s iconic buildings.
I thought I’d paid my share, but my contribution couldn’t possibly have been enough for a night in this place. I don’t know whether to say anything. The house near Warrnambool was at least a friend’s. But someone is footing the bill for tonight, and it won’t be a small one. Cass seems to realise at the same time as I do, and she’s not as reluctant to raise the issue.
‘How the hell can we afford an apartment here?’ she says.
Luc and Finn share a look. Luc’s arms fold. ‘It’s fine.’
‘Another friend of your dad’s?’ I ask. I’m being sarcastic because it’s all a bit too good to be true.
But his nod is quick. ‘Yes. He gave us a good deal.’
This seems to satisfy Cass, and she returns to her phone. Now that I know about the other guy, her constant attachment to it makes a lot more sense. But it prickles. She’s right there next to Finn. She can call it friendship all she likes, but if she can’t tell her boyfriend about it . . .
I’m not so easily convinced by Luc’s response. ‘What’s the deal?’
Now he’s looking to Jolie, and there’s a question in his eyes.
Her face is all innocence as she shrugs. ‘Everything will make sense once we’re there, I promise.’
‘Are you sure?’ he says, brows meeting in the middle of his forehead.
‘Yes, it’s time.’ She faces me but jerks her head to Luc. ‘Ask him about my promises.’
‘Well?’ I say, confused, and beginning to wonder if I’ve started something I’m going to regret.
‘She never makes a promise she won’t keep. Never,’ he says. But his voice is flat and it’s like a shadow has descended over the van.
Without meaning to, I find Luc’s hand again, needing to offer comfort without knowing why.
Jolie’s gaze flicks down to where our fingers touch on the seat between us. We’re not holding hands so much as sharing the same space on the cracked vinyl seat. Still, under scrutiny I go to move my hand away, but Luc doesn’t let me. I’m not sure I’m ready to flaunt whatever is happening between us, but I want to touch him too much to argue.
Jolie’s grin just about splits her head open. ‘Have you told Zoey about my house?’ she asks, then adds, ‘I bet he hasn’t.’
‘I haven’t,’ he agrees. ‘Probably because I’m trying to impress her and pink lacework isn’t the way.’
Jolie laughs but I’m busy replaying the trying to imp
ress her part. Was it a throwaway line? Luc seems to measure everything he says pretty carefully. Unless he’s telling me something I don’t want to hear, that is—then it’s all guns blazing. But it’s never just talking for talking’s sake.
And . . . they’re both looking at me. Hoping my cheeks aren’t as red as they feel, I say the first thing that comes to mind. ‘Um, tell me about the house. Pink, huh?’
His sigh tells of long frustration. ‘She has this idea that I’m going to build her dream house one day.’
‘Because you totally will,’ she interrupts.
Spots of colour appear on his cheeks. ‘It’s a game we’ve played since we were kids.’
Jolie shoots him a glare. ‘It’s not a game. You are going to build me this house one day.’
He mock-salutes and she turns her back on him. ‘I first came up with the design when I was seven, but it’s evolved since then.’
‘Not much,’ Luc interjects.
I can’t help smiling at their banter. ‘What’s it like?’
Jolie rests her chin on her arms. ‘Totally awesome. I used to want a rainbow but now I think a nice blue-grey render with white trim would be classy. With a pink door.’
Luc rolls his eyes. ‘There aren’t enough pink doors.’
She sighs. ‘Having a little colour offends his architect sensibilities.’
‘Colour is good,’ he says. ‘Pink not so much.’
‘And it will have flower pots along each window and skylights in every room so I can always see the stars. There will be timber floorboards and a fireplace in the living area.’
‘And?’ he says.
‘And what?’ she replies.
‘You haven’t mentioned the loft at the back with a climbing wall and a slippery slide for access.’
‘I was getting to those,’ she says, grinning. ‘I can’t get rid of all of seven-year-old me’s great ideas. Anyway, I know Luc will be able to design it properly for me one day because he promised.’
As Jolie and Luc continue to describe the house, from the flowers outside to the kind of street it will be on, I can tell this is more than just a house. It’s something they’ve already built between them. I hope in ten years, when he is an awesome architect, she still wants the house. Because I think it will be amazing.
The Last Days of Us Page 15