But there weren’t any babies to rock. And Lisa wasn’t putting much stock in their growing old together, either. Not lately.
The light was still on and Lisa was lying awake in their bed when Marcus finally came in, pulling off his tie, almost an hour later.
“Hard night?” she asked softly.
“This dragging George Blake into the nineties—I don’t know who it’s hurting more, him or me,” Marcus said with a self-derisive chuckle, sitting down to untie his shoes.
“He’s still fighting you on things?” Marcus looked like he’d aged ten years in the past twelve months. There were new lines on his forehead and around his eyes.
“Sometimes. But it’s even worse when he doesn’t. Today he was as docile as a lamb, and I hated to see it. The man built an empire from a single five-anddime store. He didn’t do that by sitting back and taking whatever comes. And every time I have to tell him that his way won’t work anymore, every time he nods and gives up without a fight, I feel like I’m killing part of a legend.”
Lisa watched him unbutton his shirt. She loved Marcus for caring about an old man’s feelings, but she hated seeing him beat himself up over it. “He didn’t work his entire life to have the Blake’s department stores go bankrupt.”
“You’re right, of course.” Marcus stepped out of his slacks and tossed them on the valet. “It’s just been a long day.”
Padding naked to the bed, he clicked off the light and slid in beside her.
“Thanks, Lis. I was beginning to feel like the big bad wolf.”
“You’re a good man, you know that, Mr. Cartwright?” Lisa asked, taking him in her arms automatically, before she remembered that they weren’t doing that anymore. She tensed, afraid he would push her away.
“I bet you say that to all the guys, don’t you?” he teased, reminiscent of the old days when he’d been completely confident in his ability to give her whatever she wanted. But tonight, as he leaned over to kiss her, there was no sign of the arrogance that usually accompanied the remark.
It had been so long since Marcus had touched her that Lisa’s entire body responded to that first stroke of his lips. The blood surged in her veins. Her nerves sang in anticipation—and relief. She’d obviously misread the last month of abstinence. Marcus still wanted her, he’d just needed her to come to him. Another first. But one she could live with. Pushing the thoughts of the day from her mind, she gave herself up to the magic that only Marcus could bring her.
This was all she needed. All either of them needed. They could make it through anything else when they shared a love this passionate.
It took her a moment to realize that Marcus wasn’t sharing her passion. His body was ready, she could feel his rigid penis against her thigh, but he’d stopped kissing her and was pulling her gown down where it had ridden up over her hips.
“What…” Her voice trailed off as he pulled away from her and lay back, his shoulders propped against the headboard.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
The words sounded so final.
She sat up, facing him. “Marcus? What’s wrong?” Had something terrible happened that he hadn’t told her about? Something more than George Blake’s coming-of-age? She wanted to turn the light back on, to see his expression more clearly than the moonlight coming through the window allowed, but fear held her paralyzed.
“We can’t go on this way, Lis.”
She wasn’t ready. “What way? What are you talking about?”
“Us. Our lives. Both of us working ourselves to death, neither of us happy.”
Lisa had to touch him, to draw her strength from him, just as she always did when life looked as if it was going to be more than she could bear. “I love you,” she said, putting her hand on his thigh, soaking up his warmth.
“And I love you.” His hand covered hers, his fingers wrapping around her knuckles. “But don’t you sometimes wonder what your life would be like with someone else? Honestly?”
Lisa snatched her hand away, attacked by a vision of that lipstick on his shirt collar. Did he think his life would be better with someone else? That his need to fill his empty house with a passel of children would just vanish?
“No,” she finally said slowly, firmly. “I’ve known since the moment we met that you were the only one for me.” There was no room for pride in the desperation she was feeling; maybe that would come later, but for now she wasn’t going to give up on all that they were together without a fight.
“But back then, we thought I could give you everything,” he said. “And while I can still provide your creature comforts, we’ve got to face the fact that I’ll never be able to give you the one thing you want most to have.”
Relief flooded through her; another woman wasn’t the problem. “You’re wrong, Marcus,” she said softly, rubbing her hand along his thigh again. “You are the one thing I want most to have. You always have been. That hasn’t changed. And it never will.”
With a muffled oath Marcus stood up and pulled on a pair of sweatpants. “We can’t keep avoiding the issue here, Lisa. You can’t tell me you’re happy, that you’ve been happy these past months. I know you too well. And I can’t continue to get up at dawn every morning to avoid the sadness I know I’m going to see in your eyes.”
Lisa sat frozen. Feeling nothing. “What are you suggesting?”
He ran his fingers through his hair, his frustration spilling over into the room he paced. “I don’t know what to suggest, or I’d have done something long before now. It looks to me like we’ve tried everything there is to try, Lis. And it’s just not working. Maybe it’s time to face the fact that there’s nothing to do, nothing that will make this better for both of us. Hell, I didn’t want to get into this tonight” He strode over to the window, a lion caged.
“Are you telling me you want a divorce?” she asked. She’d never felt so numb.
“No! Yes. I don’t know, Lis.” He turned to look at her, his blue gaze piercing. “How do you know when it’s over?”
Somehow she held his gaze without flinching. “I’m not sure. I never thought it would be.”
“Every time I look at you, I know I’ve failed you,” he said, finally coming back to sit on the edge of the bed beside her.
She cupped his face. “Oh, no, Marcus. Never. Never have you failed me. Not in any way that matters. What’s happened is not your fault.”
He took her hands from his face, then held one on his leg between both of his. “It’s not just my sterility, Lis.” He tapped their hands against his thigh, accenting each word. “It’s the rest of it, too. My inability to consider any of your options. I wanted to. God knows I’ve tried to consider adoption, but I just can’t get past the rage I feel every time I think about your having to just make do. I just can’t accept a lifetime of pretending, not for me, but especially not for you.”
“Adopting a child wouldn’t be pretending. We’d be his real parents, Marcus. He’d belong to us, just like we belong to each other.”
“You can try to make it sound pretty, Lis, but it wouldn’t be the same as having a baby come from your own body, feeling your belly swell with his growth, nursing him. Those are the things I’d be denying you. Things I know you want so badly that not having them makes you cry.” He paused. “Things you’re perfectly capable of having with someone else.”
Lisa cursed all those times she and Marcus had dreamed aloud together about the family they’d have, cursed the intimate longings she’d confessed to him. “I only wanted those things with you, Marcus, not with anybody else. It wouldn’t mean anything with anybody else.”
He stood up again. “Of course, you think that now, honey, because you have no idea who might be out there. You haven’t looked. But how long do you think it will be before you start to wonder? How long before these empty rooms start getting to you like they’re getting to me?”
Telling herself to stand, to be strong, Lisa slid off the bed and faced the man she couldn’t live without.
&
nbsp; “Can you tell me, honestly, that you want your freedom?” she asked. “That this…this thing between us has killed your love for me?”
She could see his self-deprecating smile even as he hooked his hand around her neck and pulled her to him. “Sometimes I wish it had, honey. It would be much easier to leave you to the life you deserve if I didn’t love you so damn much. But I guess you can add selfishness to my list of shortcomings, because, God help me, so far I can’t seem to walk out that door.”
The knot in Lisa’s stomach loosened a little. “Thank God,” she said. Her eyes filled with tears, which overflowed and spilled down her cheeks, wetting his chest.
He crushed her to him and held her tight. “If I were any kind of man, I’d let you go. I’d free you to find someone else.” The words sounded as if they were being dragged from him.
Lisa looked up at her husband, took in his strong handsome features despite the shadows and the blur of her tears. “You are the best kind of man, Marcus Cartwright. Don’t you ever doubt that.”
“So what are we going to do, Lis? We’re right back where we started.”
“I don’t know,” Lisa said. But deep inside, she did know. She knew what she was going to have to do—not just for herself, but for Marcus. Because she knew her husband, his sense of honor. Eventually he would let his misplaced sense of failure convince him to leave her, to release her to what he saw as a happier life for her. But she also knew that when he did that, he’d have no life at all. He’d never have the chance to be the father he was meant to be. The father he wanted to be as much or more than she wanted to be a mother. He’d never have the family he’d been dreaming about all his lonely life.
Not unless she took the decision out of his hands.
SICK WITH ANXIETY, with guilt, with the million doubts that had been whirling around inside her all week, Lisa once again walked into Beth’s office. She was ovulating. According to the results of the blood test, her hormone level was optimum. It was time.
Beth glanced up as Lisa came in, took one look at her face and came around the desk. “Hey, there’s no reason to rush into this if you aren’t ready, Lis,” she said, placing a hand on her arm. “It’s not too late to back out, try again next month if you want to. Or not.”
Lisa thought of Marcus’s death grip on her that night a week ago. She didn’t know how much time she had left.
“What? And waste poor thawed-out page fortynine?” she joked. She had no intention of backing out on what might be Marcus’s only shot at the life he’d worked so hard for.
Beth smiled, but her eyes were filled with concern. “Seriously, Lis. I’m starting to feel as if I’ve pushed you into this. It has to be something you want deep in your heart. I don’t need to remind you we’re talking about the possibility of another life here.”
The thrill that shot through Lisa at the mention of that life was all the incentive she needed. “I’m ready, Beth. Now quit being a mother hen and hurry up and make me a mother before I have a premature bout of morning sickness.”
Beth nodded. “Okay. Everything’s ready. Right down the hall. But if you want to change your mind, just say the word.”
Lisa found it oddly amusing that Beth was the one getting cold feet.
LISA LOST HER lunch. But not until she’d waited the obligatory couple of minutes after Beth, clad in a white lab coat, had finished injecting her with the seed she hoped would create a new life for her and Marcus. She’d even managed to get herself back into the pale peach suit she’d donned that morning, in spite of the row of tiny buttons on the jacket. It was when she’d slipped the paperwork Beth had given her into her purse that she’d had to dart for the bathroom.
She wished she could lose the memory of the past half hour as thoroughly as she’d lost the contents of her stomach. She felt as if she’d betrayed the vows she’d made to Marcus on their wedding day.
She’d almost yelled at Beth to stop when Beth had told her she was about to pass the specimen. But her mind had been too filled with Marcus’s desperation when they’d finally gone back to bed that night a week ago, as if, through sheer strength of will, he could make everything right for them. The frenzy with which he’d made love to her had convinced her more than anything that he knew it was only a matter of time before he forced himself to leave her.
But the same sense of honor that would force him to go would also force him to stay once he learned she was pregnant. Wouldn’t it? He’d stay long enough to fall in love with their baby, to see that Lisa was right, that what she’d just done was their route to happiness. Wouldn’t he?
Lisa’s stomach turned over again as the panic she’d been holding at bay all week finally got the better of her. What if she’d just made an irrevocable mistake? What if Marcus didn’t accept this baby as his own? What if he couldn’t forgive her for what she’d just done? Oh, God, what if she lost him, anyway?
Leaning over the toilet bowl in the clinic’s bathroom a second time, Lisa held her hair back and was sick again.
“Lisa? You okay in there?”
“Fine.” Lisa tried to inject some conviction into her voice. Being sick had always terrified her.
A key scraped in the lock and Beth’s face appeared around the edge of the partially open door. Apparently Lisa hadn’t been convincing enough.
Her friend was inside the lavatory with the door shut behind her in a flash. She felt for Lisa’s pulse.
Lisa smiled at her friend’s show of concern. “I really am fine, Beth. Just not used to handling the big stuff on my own. Marcus is usually around to carry half the burden.” Beth checked her pulse, anyway. “I hadn’t realized just how much I’d come to depend on his opinion when I’m making a decision. I really like having him there to confide in.”
“So you still haven’t told Marcus about this,” Beth said.
Lisa shook her head.
“And you’re sick with guilt.”
“That and a few other pressing emotions. Like panic.”
Beth nodded. “A little bit of panic is to be expected, even when a couple has been planning this together for months. Having a baby’s a big step.”
There it was again. That tiny thrill that was like nothing else Lisa had ever felt. A baby. A new life. A son or daughter to fill the empty rooms in Marcus’s house. In his life. And hers.
“Do you think it’ll take?” she asked Beth, rubbing her hand over her flat belly.
“The first time? Maybe. Chances are, though, it won’t.”
Lisa didn’t think she could go through this again. “It won’t?”
“Only twenty percent conceive the first time out.”
Twenty percent. Lisa started to feel sick again, though for an entirely different reason. Did she have enough time to wait another month? Would Marcus give her that long before he did the gentlemanly thing, the honorable thing, and walked out on her?
Could she live with him for another whole month without telling him what she’d done? Could she go through this again?
“How long till we know?” she asked.
“We can do an early detection in a couple of days. It’ll be two weeks before we’ll really know for sure. But, if you’re so inclined, you can have a blood test done each day, since you’re here, anyway. That way you’ll know for certain the first second it’s possible to tell.”
Two weeks. Could she wait two weeks? Lisa didn’t think it was possible. She also didn’t see where she had any other choice..
THAT AFTERNOON Lisa did something she’d never done before. As soon as Hannah was finished for the day, Lisa called Marcus at work and left him a message to come home. Then she showered and changed into a sexy black lace nightie and waited for him to arrive. Twenty minutes later she heard him at the front door.
“Lisa?” he called the moment he stepped over the threshold. “What’s wrong—” He stopped abruptly as soon as he caught sight of her coming into the foyer. She was barefoot and practically naked, her hair a wild tangle around her shoulders.
/> Wrapping her arms around his neck, Lisa pulled his head down for a scorching kiss before he could ask any more questions. She’d startled him. Good. She could feel his confusion in his kiss, in the way it took him just a fraction of a second to respond. She poured every ounce of passion she had into that kiss, giving him all her love, promising him it had always been, and always would be, his alone.
His briefcase dropped to the floor at their feet as he scooped her up into his arms and carried her into the living room, falling with her on the thick velvet couch.
“I think I’m glad you called,” he murmured into her ear as he worked his way around her neck, leaving hot little kisses in his wake.
“Me, too.” He had no idea how glad, how badly Lisa needed to wipe away the thought of another man’s seed in her body.
Their lovemaking, there on the couch, was more intensely passionate than Lisa had ever known. It was almost as if Marcus sensed her desperate need for him, and it triggered an answering need in him. And when, sometime later, he finally exploded inside her, Lisa knew it was then that their baby had been conceived. Because it was only after Marcus’s love had mixed with that tiny bud of life inside of her that she could relax enough to accept the seed of another man into her womb.
He had a second orgasm before he finally led her upstairs to their bedroom, and while Lisa rode the waves with him every inch of the way, she couldn’t help being aware, that second time, of a difference in Marcus’s touch, an edge that had never been there before. She wasn’t sure what it meant.
“I could get used to coming home early,” he said later, holding her against him in the middle of their bed.
“Mmm. Me, too. ‘Course the neighbors might begin to talk about the steam coming off our roof every afternoon.”
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