by Nicole Casey
Then came along Harry. He was older than me, hot as all hell, and had a sex drive like no other. The passion we shared was incredible and through the roof. I found him exciting, thrilling, too much fun… but eventually I started to recognize that there was still something missing. We had all the passion, but none of the substance. It was a physical thing only.
Things with Harry ended explosively when I caught him cheating on me, but to be honest it was a bit of a relief. If we’d stayed together we would’ve ended up in a toxic cycle, so really he did me a massive favor.
The only problem was with the absence of Harry, I couldn’t help but wonder why I kept going for men that I had no real future with. I wasn’t a player. I had no desire to sow any wild oats; I just wanted to find someone to share my life with. So why wasn’t that happening?
I didn’t want to accept my answer, but it kept circling my brain anyway until I felt compelled to show it some attention. The reason I couldn’t move on was because I hadn’t even truly let go of the past. If I really examined it in a way that left me uncomfortable, it was obvious that I felt a lot of resentment for having to let him go in such a horrible way.
Neither of us did anything wrong. We didn’t want to end it, we were planning a very beautiful future, and that got tore away from us by my parents and their ridiculous overreaction.
I couldn’t let go of Gio, because in my memories he was perfect. I couldn’t recall a single thing about him. I loved his gorgeous red hair, his sparkling eyes, and his soft pale skin… He made me laugh and smile, and he could always anticipate my moods without me even having to tell him.
All I could see was him and me and the happiness we shared, which left no one else with even a chance. How could anyone compare to such a wonderful memory? He was being viewed with rose tinted glasses, and there was only one way to dispel that.
I would have to take the bull by the horns and face him head on.
It took me a while to act on that revelation. I couldn’t even bear to look Gio up online for a while. I was scared to see where his life had gone, what he looked like now, who he’d become. I needed to know everything about him so I could finally recall what wasn’t so great about him. I wanted him to become a real human so someone else could finally compete and I could get the happiness I so desperately needed.
But I was afraid.
What if he was married now? Or what if my disappearance had sent him into a tailspin and he was now a drug addict or something? What if he never wanted to see me again even to help me? I wouldn’t be able to blame him for that! I had to, but I was terrified.
To be honest it was a big shock to know that he still lived in the same place, that he hadn’t gone out exploring the world a bit more, but who was I to judge? Sure I’d spread my wings, but that was only because I’d been forced to. My reasons weren’t the best, and actually, if I thought about it hard enough, it made my visit seem a lot less pressured. I could easily be back seeing the people from my past, not just him, if he slammed the door in my face. It didn’t have to be such a huge deal…
Even though it was.
I checked the crumpled piece of paper in my hand to confirm the address while my eyes widened in surprise. Gio had a lot going for him, he was smart as all hell so it shouldn’t have been shocking that he’d clearly made himself some money, but it did throw me off a little bit. I knew he wasn’t going to be the same person I knew all those years ago, after all I’d changed a lot too, but it was just really hitting me now how stark that difference might be.
I paused for a moment, recalling the first time he ever really spoke to me back in high school. We’d chatted before a little, but not really. Little did I know at that moment, the conversation we’d had would change my life forever.
“Hey, Derek, I absolutely love your tee shirt.”
I flicked my hair out of my eyes in the pretentious way I did back when I had curls. Of course now that was all gone, it was cropped closely to my head, but back then my hair was the one thing I really cared about.
“Oh thanks, yeah I bought it with money from my weekend job.”
It was the first time I’d ever really felt a bit wrong footed and nervous about speaking to anyone. I was confident, well known for being cool, adored for my sports stuff, but Gio had me totally off balance and I liked it.
“Oh yeah, you work at the cinema, don’t you? I really want to see that new robot film…”
“Come with me?” I asked on impulse, just knowing that I wanted to speak to this boy more, one and one. I needed to be alone with him to work out what this feeling really was. I didn’t know then that I was gay, or maybe I did but I didn’t want to accept it because I knew how my family would react. I just knew that he made me feel really good about myself.
“That sounds great.” His smile got to me. All I wanted to do was reach out and touch him, but not right there, not at school.
When we kissed later that night, everything slotted into place. I had the stark realization of exactly who I was, and who I needed to be from there on out. Gio felt right. I adored him, I wanted him in every way possible, and I didn’t care who knew about it.
Well… at school I didn’t, but home was a different story.
Ironically I only ended up telling my parents about me and Gio because they were trying to force me to go to military school. I didn’t want that, any of it. I wanted to be with the love of my life, and I figured I was old enough to make my own decisions.
How wrong I was. The row that ensued was epic enough to have me walking away from everything. It was bad enough for me to leave my whole life behind.
But now… I was back. I was ready to put it to rest once and for all.
With a deep breath I took a tentative step forward and I folded up my fist ready to knock. This was about to be the first day of the rest of my life, and I did not want to royally screw it up.
Gio
Knock, knock.
“Urgh, Max, I saw the engagement photos online. I don’t need to see the real thing at…” I glanced at my watch. “Half ten at night on a school night. Some of us have work in the morning.”
I should’ve known this was going to happen. There was no way Max would let me get away with a few likes. He’d want me to swoon over the real thing; he probably even had a stack of wedding magazines with him.
Much as I wasn’t in the mood after the crappy weekend I’d had where I’d been feeling incredibly low over the knowledge that I still needed to recover from my past, I knew that there was no way of getting away with it. Not now that he was here.
I slumped toward the door trying to force a bright fake smile on my face, but as I swung it open it fell away. My mouth slipped open and I stared at the ghost of my past with genuine shock in my gaze. It was almost as if by allowing myself to think about him, I’d caused him to materialize.
But it wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.
This had to be a dream.
Why now, after all these years, would he suddenly turn up just as I’d decided to let him go for good? I rubbed my eyes hard, trying to make the image of him vanish.
This wasn’t right. I needed to return to reality.
“It is really me, you know?” he told me softly. “I know I probably look very different, but it’s still me.”
My hands tumbled to my sides and my heart restarted with a bang. It went from not beating at all, to hammering so loudly in my chest that I feared it might break free at any given moment.
I stared intently at the stranger I knew so well. His dark eyes were still exactly the same. If I focused only on those I could almost imagine that the last few years hadn’t even happened, but then there were the crinkles around his eyes, the lack of curls, the muscles that had popped up as if from nowhere…
“What are you doing here?” I eventually gasped before clapping my hand over my mouth to prevent me from vomiting.
“Gio, I need to talk. Is there any chance I could come in?”
No, you killed me, you
destroyed my heart, I don’t want to ever think of you again…
“Sure,” I heard myself saying instead. I even stepped aside and indicated toward the living room, giving him a much warmer welcome than he deserved.
Derek sat down on my couch, looking really out of place in his black hoodie and camo trousers. He looked like a mess, but a really rugged, incredibly handsome mess that I just wanted to grab onto…
No! I needed to remain strong.
I had to remember what he did to me. I was not going to fall into his trap again. I always felt more for him than he did me. That was incredibly obvious now, and there was no point in trying to convince myself otherwise.
“What are you doing here?” My walls planted themselves firmly around me, causing my tone to come out cold and harsh. He visibly flinched, but that was tough. He’d brought all of this on himself. If he hadn’t run away then maybe we could’ve really been something.
Not that I was thinking about that!
“I need to talk to you,” he eventually replied decisively. “I feel like there’s a lot of unfinished business between us that needs resolving.”
Something about those words flared my temper wildly.
“Unfinished business?” There was a chance I was shouting.
“No, there’s nothing between us. How could there still be unfinished business all these years later when you saw fit to leave me heartbroken and alone?” Oops, so much for looking cool.
“I know.” His eyes flickered downward and I noticed a green tinge to his face. Well, that wasn’t my problem. This probably was difficult for him but he only had himself to blame!
“I know I ran away like an idiot, and that was wrong of me. I just think you should know that I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t think it was absolutely necessary…”
“Pfft, yeah right.” I folded my arms across my chest as an aggressive sarcasm laced my tone. I just couldn’t help myself. All the bitterness that I’d stored away over time came spilling right out.
“Look, I know this isn’t going to be easy to hear…”
“I don’t want to hear it!” A red glaze had shadowed my eyes; rational judgment was well out the window. “I don’t even understand why you’re here.”
“I need to talk to you.” His tone was desperate. It seemed like he’d planned exactly what he was going to say and the fact that I wasn’t allowing him to get a word in edgeways wasn’t going down too well.
“I needed to talk to you back then,” I exploded, throwing my hands wildly above my head. “But I couldn’t, because you were not here!”
“It wasn’t like that.” He shrunk in on himself. I could physically see him reverting back to the teenage boy he once was, only this time with insecurities attached. Guilt was there, settling in my stomach, but I couldn’t give in to it.
This was the first and only chance I was ever going to get to say all I needed to say. I really didn’t want to blow it.
“That’s exactly as it was. If you didn’t want a future with me then you should’ve told me that. You left me hanging, believing we would take on the world together, then you were just… gone.” Tears unexpectedly filled my eyes, and that didn’t help with the hard image I was trying to put across.
It seemed Derek wasn’t the only one who’d gone back in time. All the years that I’d spent working toward an awesome life for myself were just gone. I was eighteen years old, shy, awkward, not quite good enough for anyone.
“You upped and left without saying goodbye, then you never wrote or anything. You can’t just expect to turn up years later and have everything forgiven. It doesn’t work like that.”
“That isn’t my plan,” he replied gravely. “I didn’t come here to upset you.”
“Upset me?” Okay, now I was screeching, this was not going to plan.
“You can’t upset me. I’m so over you and I have been for years.” The lies were flying past my mouth much easier than I would’ve expected. I just needed to shut Derek down before he stole my heart all over again. I could feel that tug, the yearning, and I really wanted to give in to it.
“Yeah, well maybe…”
“Maybe nothing.” I jumped to my feet and allowed the rage to overwhelm me. Being angry felt much easier than being upset; I would save that until he was gone.
I didn’t let Derek see me cry then (mostly because he was nowhere to be found) and I certainly didn’t intend to start now.
“Look, Derek, just get out okay? There’s absolutely no reason for you to be here.”
“Please.” He stood up and clasped his hands together, actually begging me. My resolve slipped, but only slightly. I couldn’t feel bad for Derek right now. I needed to protect my own heart for once. It wasn’t quite healed from the last time he was in my life. I couldn’t risk it again. “Please, just hear me out I’m begging you.”
Yes, please tell me everything and make it all alright again.
“No,” I said coldly instead. “Just get out of here.”
He stared at me for a few seconds before finally fixing his eyes on the ground and turning to leave. Everything shattered within me as he walked toward the front door and out of my life again, but I had to let him go.
Derek didn’t stick around. He left before and he would again now. There was no point in ever getting my hopes up that things would be different, because that was never going to be the case.
I held it together, with my arms across my chest in an attempt to hold me upright, until I heard the click of the door indicating that he was gone.
Then I collapsed.
I fell back into the chair, and my cheeks wet from the tears. All the time that I’d spent building myself up to exist without Derek were gone, and all I wanted to do was call him back.
I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, but I wanted to.
I’d wanted to put him to the back of my mind to find a real love, but now that felt absolutely impossible. How was I supposed to have any kind of romance now that my heart was back in a million pieces? Or maybe it had always been that way, which was why I hadn’t ever been able to find someone else. No one could compare to Derek because of the state he left me in.
Well, all I knew for sure was that I wouldn’t let him do that to me again, no matter what. I would cry now for a while, get it out of my system, then I would continue on my healing journey. Maybe now that I’d given him some hell that would be the closure I so desperately needed, and moving on would be no problem at all.
I could hope, anyway.
***
Thanks for reading! Look for Lost Love out now on Amazon. Be sure to follow Nicole Casey on Amazon and sign up for the newsletter to be notified when future books are available.
Bonus Story: Hot Flash
Book Description
Give him your latest novel, Ariana says. It’ll be the best way to thank him, she says.
Yeah. If only it were that easy.
After all, Dylan is a firefighter who runs into burning buildings to save lives. It’s how I met him—and how, after a freak accident at my apartment complex, he saved my life.
What could he ever see in a guy like me, who’s little more than a writer who sits in front of his computer all day?
I guess Ariana is right.
There’s only one way to find out if he’s interested.
Chapter One
Smoke.
I smelled smoke.
My initial reaction was to roll over and simply fall back asleep—to return to the post-haze of dream during which time I had been running out of a burning building—but when the fire alarm went off, causing the hairs on my arms and the back of my neck to rise, I knew something was wrong.
“FIRE!” I heard my parrot screech from the living room. “FIRE!”
Fire?
Where?
It couldn’t be—not here, not in this apartment.
But all the smoke—
It took only a fraction of a second for me to bolt from the bed and make my way into the other room�
�where Scottie, the Amazon red-crowned parrot, was screeching up a storm.
“Fire! Fire! Fire!” the bird screamed, frantically flapping his wings inside the cage as if the currently nonexistent flames would consume him at any moment.
“I know,” I replied, trying my hardest to keep calm while my parrot continued to scream bloody murder. “Everything’s going to be all right. Everything—”
“FIRE!”
The parrot was reduced to hysterics in but a moment, his screams piercing the near-quiet of the night and causing my ears to ring. Panic pumped through my bloodstream—both at the sound of my pet’s distress and because I could not find the source of the fire—and as such caused me to lose track of time. Moments seemed like minutes, minutes like hours. Desperation took hold as I fumbled for the latch that opened his cage, then as I reached in to grab him.
“NO NO NO NO NO!” the bird screeched. “NO NO NO NO NO!”
“It’s okay, Scottie,” I said, taking hold of the parrot and pulling him close to my chest as I made my way toward the apartment’s front door. “Everything’s going to be fine. Everything—”
“FIRE!”
I recoiled as a plume of smoke belched from underneath the front door.
Fire—
Fire—
Outside the door.
How were we supposed to escape if we couldn’t even get out the front door?
Unless—
I swallowed a lump in my throat as I turned to the nearby window. The fire escape was there, tempting me with its unholy passage, its trembling heights. I knew little of its condition or how well-maintained it had been over the past few years of my residency, but regardless, I couldn’t bother to wait.
After tightening my hold on Scottie, I made my way to the window, wrenched it open, and set the bird on the balcony outside. “Stay,” I urged.