He brings my pinky finger up until our hands are completely open and pressed together. Blushing and lowering my head, it slips past my lips and I’m not sure which one of us is more shocked by it.
It was one thing when I smiled at him, my first real smile for someone other than my family, but this is something else entirely. Laughing is something I really don’t remember doing at all and here I am doing it and all it took was him.
“Holy shit! You just laughed.”
The minute I smile again, he grins at me and nods toward our hands.
“I told you.”
With everything that’s happened I haven’t paid much attention to how close we really are to each other. When he lifted my chin so that he could see me, it put our faces in perfect proportion to each other. Noticing it now reminded me of the time in the park when we had been this close and exactly what happened because of it.
The way his eyes are looking down at me, tender, just like my mom told me earlier, I know what’s about to happen next. I’m just not sure I’m ready for it.
“Belle, I am so…”
He stops himself and his eyes go wide, like he can’t believe what he was about to say and it annoys me because I really want him to finish his thought. Pulling my hand away from his, I start typing. At the exact moment I hit send, he slides the phone out of my hand and lays it down on the other side of him. It’s only when he does the same with his phone that I start to worry what he’s about to do next.
He knows that’s the only way we can communicate, at least it is until I can talk to my doctor, so taking it away is only going to make things uncomfortable and right now that’s the last thing I want.
“No more phones, Belle. I don’t want to talk anymore.”
Kayden
Sitting here with her like this, I’m starting to remember things that for whatever reason I pushed out of my mind. Well, I know why I pushed it all down, because it came from my mom before she split, but why I’m thinking about it now really doesn’t make any sense.
I wasn’t always a total ass. I used to be a pretty good kid or at least that’s how I remember it anyway. I made friends easily with everyone in the neighborhood, helped people when I saw they needed it and generally had a pretty good time. It’s only when she bailed that everything seemed to change and I became the person that’s sitting with Isabelle now.
Well, maybe not the person sitting with her because I’m not sure what version of me is sitting here right now. I like to think it’s a middle ground between the good kid I used to be and the monster I became when she split. I’m not stupid enough to think I’ve been cured of the asshole gene, but I know I’m not as big a one as I was before.
It’s the way Isabelle smiled at me and when she laughed that’s bringing all of these old memories back to the surface. For whatever reason, she’s here and she’s giving me this chance to be someone that’s worthy of her. I never want to lose that or let her down. I’m afraid though. With everything she’s bringing to the surface inside of me that letting her down is exactly what I’m going to do.
Deep down, I’m exactly like my brother and my father before him. It’s my own mother’s words that slam it home to me and it makes me want to bail, even though doing that would break everything I worked so hard to build with the beautiful girl in my arms right now.
“I had one wish before you were born and it was that you wouldn’t turn out like me and your daddy. I wanted you to be better than that, better than us.”
I don’t really remember much about my dad. I know he was a pretty mean drunk and more than once beat on my mom and maybe even Dean. The thing is, her wish never came true because neither one of us turned out any better than them. Maybe that’s part of the reason she took off. She didn’t want to see me and Dean turn into what we are now.
We really are our father’s sons. We’re both filled with a rage that even beating on each other never seems to cure. We’re angry and lonely at the same time. We’re lost and every single day it feels like we’re drowning with no way to be saved.
That’s what is so damn hard to handle with Isabelle. She’s like a life preserver that can save me from drowning. She probably always has been, but because I chose the anger over anything else that might have been available, I didn’t know until now. It makes me want to grab on to her and never let go. I can see what my mom wished for every single time I look in her eyes because she brings me to the place where I know I’m better than the way I’ve been raised.
It’s more than just that old stuff I’m remembering though. I also remember her talking to me about Isabelle.
“Isabelle isn’t like the other girls, Kayden. I can’t put my finger on it, but that little girl is better. She’s gonna need a good boy like you when she’s older.”
Isabelle really isn’t like other girls. She is different, somehow better. Looking at the way she looks now, under the dimness of the street light, I’ve never seen another person that looks more beautiful. I’ve spent so long looking at her issues and not at her that somewhere along the way I forgot everything my mom said to me. I hadn’t been there when she needed me. I was the one she needed to be protected from.
That’s all over now. I’m never going to be someone she has to fear again. If I have to spend the rest of my life proving that to her then that’s what I’ll do, because what I didn’t see then, I see now. She really is better, but my mom was wrong about one part. She doesn’t need me.
I’m the one that needs her.
Almost telling her how I feel about her, letting those three words slip because I felt them so strongly, was a stupid move. After hearing her laughter and seeing her face brighten as she finally smiled for me, the only thing I could think about was how much I love her. I didn’t stop myself because I don’t want her to know, I did it because when I finally do say the words to her, I won’t be taking them back and I want it to be perfect.
As great as this moment is, having her close to me, able to breathe in her scent, experience what it feels like to have my hands on her body, it’s not perfect. I don’t know when it will be, but I’m willing to wait.
I can tell that I’ve freaked her out not wanting the phones anymore. I’m tired of talking and it isn’t because I’m the only one speaking. If anything, I think communicating the way she has been makes me see and experience what normally I just don’t when people talk to me. I’m able to hear her loud and clear and she doesn’t have to say a word.
Not wanting to talk, it’s selfish. I want to kiss her again. I’ve been thinking of nothing but kissing her since the day in the park. It’s just gotten worse since I saw her before practice today. I had to stop myself from kissing her the moment she came outside to meet me. That’s how powerful the urge is and I’m losing the fight.
“Can I kiss you?”
I’ve never had to ask a girl to kiss me before. Me taking away her phone, I know it’s going to bother her that she can’t answer me, but this isn’t a question I’m looking for an actual answer to, at least not one that’s verbal. The answer will be in her eyes and looking at me now, I see that she doesn’t disappoint.
She’s giving me all the answer I need.
I trace my finger across her lips and like magic they part for me, her breath releasing, warming me. Keeping my eyes locked on hers, determined not to look away and miss the way she looks in the moment, I lean myself in closer until my own lips are resting dangerously close to hers.
“I’m going to kiss you now…”
The second the words fall, I press my lips to hers and it’s as if everything in me is finally set right. The softness I felt before greets me again and with every move our lips make from that moment on, she’s with me every step of the way. I feel my eyes closing, no longer focused on seeing her, only experiencing her and it’s in that moment that I’m completely lost.
She owns me.
Chapter Eighteen
Belle
I’ve never noticed before, but when something really b
ig happens to you, it’s pretty amazing how quickly everything changes.
It’s been exactly a week since Kayden sat outside my house and asked me to be his girlfriend. It means there’s been a week of us being together and a week at school where everyone seems to know about it.
He warned me that because of his reputation and the past he had with a lot of the girls, going back wouldn’t be easy. With the way I’m used to being treated, I didn’t see how it could be much worse. I know how popular he is and what him being with me means. As sweet as he is worrying about me, I expect everything that happens.
There are girls that give me dirty looks, but because they used to do that anyway, it’s almost like things are the same as always. The name calling is still there and even some new names are added, ones I don’t understand, but I don’t think I’m supposed to. Something does happen though that even with all of his warnings, I didn’t see coming.
Dillon has been spending more time around us lately. Kayden is still staying as far away from the others as he can, but Dillon doesn’t let him do it all the way. It’s so strange. For the last two days now, he’s been sitting with us under the tree and though he gets looks for it, he doesn’t seem bothered.
I guess I was right about him after all. He misses Kayden and he’s trying to do whatever he has to in order to prove it to his old friend, even though Kayden still doesn’t trust it. He’s tolerating it though and I know why. He’s doing it for me because he thinks it’s what I want. What he doesn’t realize is that I want what he’s comfortable with. If Dillon being here isn’t what he wants, it’s okay.
It’s like my mom taught me. We all have a choice. I believe that Dillon means what he says, but Kayden doesn’t and it’s alright for us to handle it differently.
I’m just glad that things haven’t changed with us. When I showed up at school the next day, I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to act, but Kayden made it pretty clear that just because we were together, it didn’t mean things had to be different.
He holds my hand as he walks me to classes now and makes sure to kiss my forehead or brush his lips against mine before leaving me to make it to his own. That’s the only difference. It makes me feel better knowing that just because our relationship changed, we don’t have to change with it.
At least that’s how I felt until I start seeing the cheerleaders decorating the school for Homecoming.
I might not have any experience with being a part of one before, but I do know what a big deal it is, at least for the people that go here. It’s the chance for everyone to let loose and have fun even though it takes a ton of work to get to that point. It’s the one time where people that normally walk the halls alone, become part of a couple and talks of dresses, football games and after parties are common.
Watching the cheerleaders selling tickets as we pass in the hall just reminds me of what’s coming and how different things really are. Is he going to want to go with me and if he does, why hasn’t he asked me yet? Would going with me embarrass him too much? Is that why he’s so silent about it, even though everywhere we go it seems to be staring us in the face?
I’m not bringing it up. I’m not sure if I want to put myself through it, much less questioning why he hasn’t asked me. There’s a small part of me though, that does hope he asks because it’s always just been me standing on the outside looking in and this time, with Kayden by my side, it doesn’t have to be.
His practice schedule is increased because of the Homecoming game in a few days. I’ve never actually been to a football game, not understanding sports at all, but I would go for him. Plus, I know Tristan would love it, but it’s just another thing that hasn’t come up. Another way we’ve changed.
Kayden isn’t the only one who is being quiet about things. My mom came through and I’m going to see my doctor. I want to tell him about it, but with how busy things are around here, especially with him and football, I can’t do it. He’s been so good to me this past week and I know he would drop it all to be there. I can’t let him do that.
“Hey. You’re doing it again.”
This isn’t the first time he’s caught me lost in thought. I’m pretty sure he’s caught me every time I’ve done it. Looking up at him and smiling though, seems to do the trick. He stops in the middle of the hall, just like always and he touches my face where my lips are raised, almost as if, just like the first time, he’s blown away that it’s even happening at all.
Like he thinks this is a dream.
“Is your mom still okay with me coming over after practice?”
I nod and that’s when I’m rewarded. He grins at me and just like every other time he’s done it this week, it makes his eyes crinkle. That’s probably the coolest thing about Kayden. I can see myself reflected like a mirror in his eyes and my smile is as big as his. I wonder if because my eyes are lighter, the same thing happens to him.
“Awesome.” He answers, before pulling me into his arms and stroking my hair, another thing he’s been doing a whole lot more of lately. “Have I told you lately how great it is that your mom is okay with this?”
This means us. The first time he came over after practice, he’d been afraid to come in, but the minute she held the door open and flashed her smile, he was taken in just like everyone else. Kayden isn’t used to being openly accepted, especially considering the way things used to be. I know he expected it to be much worse. He just doesn’t know my mom the way I do. He doesn’t realize that like me, she can see what’s underneath and not just what’s sprinkled on the top for the rest of the world.
I nod and my nose tickles from the fabric of his shirt. I laugh and I feel his lips brush the top of my head and it’s in that moment that it hits me. I’m not really so different from everyone after all. I understand now why girls go so crazy over boys, especially when they do things like this. It’s something that has the risk of becoming addictive.
Or I’m just biased because it’s Kayden.
“Wanna hear something strange?”
I lean back from him a little as I look up, nodding.
“I kind of wanna tape you laughing so I can have it with me whenever I need it.”
This is one of the times I wish I could tell him that he has no idea what strange really is. All I hear is something nice. It’s a first for me, hearing him say things like this. I know that he knows it, but the way he doesn’t call attention to it, is what makes me like him even more.
Feeling brave, I wrap my hand around his back, sliding his phone out of his back pocket. Once it’s safe in my hands I look up and see his eyes have gone wide, but he’s still wearing the grin.
“I didn’t know you had it in you. That’s a very naughty move, Belle.”
I laugh, but this time I hit record at the exact moment it happens. It’s not a fake laugh or even one that was planned and that’s exactly what makes it so perfect. He never asks for anything or even gives me a clue what he really wants when we’re together. This time he did and I really want to give it to him.
It’s only when I hand the phone back and point to the screen, that his cheeks flush and his eyes go soft. He opens his mouth to say something and pauses, which only confuses me. It’s happened a few times before and each time I wonder what it is that he’s holding himself back from saying.
“I’m the luckiest SOB alive.”
I shrug and he laughs again which just makes me smile. When you spend as much time alone as I have, you observe a lot of what happens around you when you’re in public situations. In the last three years I’ve only seen him laugh three times total and it was never like this. It’s the same way when he smiles. In the last week, it seems like he’s making up for lost time.
He should always be this way. It suits him.
“I gotta go, baby. Coach wants to talk before practice.” He says and his lips instantly begin to drop, as if he’s realizing what him leaving means. “You want me to walk you to the bus?”
I shake my head, more than capable of getting to t
he bus the same way I’ve been doing for years. I know he walks me because he’s protective, but to tell you the truth, I’m actually looking forward to the time alone. I’ve still got a lot to think about and having him near me means I won’t do much thinking at all.
“Text me the minute you’re on the bus. I wanna make sure you’re okay.”
Some things never change. Accepting that this is something I don’t want him to change, I nod and smile.
“I’ll see you in three hours, princess.” He says as he places a small kiss on my lips. As he turns and heads down the hall, he calls back to me. “I can’t wait.”
Kayden
I don’t know if you can screw up a voice file, but with the amount of times I’ve played it since she recorded it almost an hour ago, I’m definitely testing it.
I have never been this happy in my entire life.
Well I guess that’s not exactly true. I was happy before, but it was because of stupid little things that now don’t mean a whole lot. When I would get a new Hot Wheels car, I’d wear the world’s biggest grin, until I played with it so much the tires ended up falling off. When Mom would take us out for tacos or pizza, I’d eat until I couldn’t move and spend the entire night blissfully happy.
It’s never felt like this before though. This experience is new. Even with all the girls I’ve dated in the last five years or so, nothing compares to the way it is with Isabelle. I don’t want it too. I still have a hard time believing that she’s my Belle now. Somehow, I was lucky enough to have this amazing girl fall for me, the way I did for her.
Sometimes it feels like we’re kids again, but this time, I’m not a total jerk and well she’s just exactly the same. We have moments when we’re walking down the hall and she’ll squeeze my hand and I’ll answer back with squeeze of my own. It’s like we have our own secret language that no one but us knows.
When she feels herself getting overwhelmed by sensory stuff, she lets me know without saying a word and I hold her until it passes. It’s crazy, but for the longest time all I thought I was good for, was playing football and causing shit and now, I’m seeing that everything I thought is wrong. I was made for this and I can’t even explain how much that means.
Count On Me Page 16