by Robert Bevan
Chapter 19
Through a series of increasingly specific questions, Dave and Captain Righteous had gotten Murkwort to produce a way for them to be able to trust him while they all slept for the night. Everyone was exhausted, and even though Murkwort was compelled by his own magic hat to answer their questions honestly, he was as uncooperative as he could be, learning to answer questions more literally, succinctly, and in ways which were as unhelpful as possible while still being truthful. It was a struggle to come up with a line of questioning which led them to a satisfactory solution. The solution itself, however, turned out to be simple. He had a potion he claimed would knock a dire bear out cold. When Captain Righteous finally found and opened the bottle, Dave noted that the dark green liquid inside smelled like an extremely pungent version of NyQuil. The fumes alone were almost enough to knock Dave out.
Dave knew their line of questioning had yielded positive results when he, Captain Righteous, and Bingam woke up the next morning not tied to a rack or covered with leeches. Murkwort remained asleep in his chair still bound by his stupid handkerchiefs, his head hung low as he snored.
“What's the best way to get to the Whore's Head Inn from here?”
Captain Righteous looked out the window. “The Collapsed Sewer District is on the opposite side of the city. Transporting a bound prisoner there on foot would attract attention. My fellow Kingsguard would ask questions I'm not sure I know how to answer.” He sighed. “Bingam and I have been too long away from our duties as it is.”
“I agree,” said Bingam. “We should report back at once.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” cried Dave. “What the hell am I supposed to do with him all by myself? Look at me! I'm a goddamn dwarf!” He had to hit the captain with something he actually gave a shit about. “What about your promise to Lady Katherine?”
Captain Righteous stared pensively out the window, then turned to Dave. “We shall escort you to your inn, but then we must report to our commanders. That is all I can do.”
Dave nodded. “That's good enough.” Now onto the problem of them being stopped on the street and questioned about transporting a man bound to a chair. Even if Captain Righteous outranked whomever was interrogating them, things could get sticky, especially considering that Murkwort hadn't actually committed any crimes. Traveling overland across the city was too risky. Too many things could go wrong. Worst case scenarios played out in Dave's mind. Captain Righteous wasn't exactly a subtle man. If he blabbed about the dice to a superior officer, they might deem it a matter of interest to the Crown and take Murkwort in for questioning themselves. Or even worse, he might be ordered to set Murkwort free.
“What about the sewers?” asked Dave.
Captain Righteous looked at him blankly. “What about them?”
“Couldn't we travel through the sewers?”
“Have I not defiled my uniform enough for your liking?”
“I thought it might be less conspicuous than trying to drag a bound old wizard through the city.”
“I'm only fifty-seven!” said Murkwort.
“Sorry,” said Dave. “I didn't know you were awake.”
“Who could sleep with all of you blathering on like you do? Anyway, what kind of excuse is that? You think it acceptable to insult a man as long as it's behind his back?”
“No, I...” Dave couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't make him seem like less of a dick.
Captain Righteous frowned. “Are the sewers really the best idea you can think of for traveling to this Whore's Head Inn?”
Dave nodded, and Murkwort said, “Yes.” His not-quite-as-old-as-Dave-had-thought eyes widened. “I mean... No... I thought you were talking to me. Shit!”
“The sewers are a labyrinth,” said the captain. “A group of seasoned explorers could get lost in them for weeks. Why do you think they are our best option for getting to the other side of the city?”
Murkwort fumed, but couldn't keep his lips from moving. “Because I know how to navigate them. Arcane Marks line the sewer walls, providing a clear path for anyone who knows to look for them. It's how young wizards travel in secret before they master Teleportation.” Captain Righteous was about to speak, but Murkwort's lips kept moving in spite of his attempts to hold them still. “And also because I intended to call as much attention to us as possible.” He glared up at Captain Righteous. “Here I am an innocent old man, and you assaulted me in my own home! You are a disgrace to your uniform!”
“You cast a spell on him before he hit you,” said Bingam. “An assault on a Kingsguard is a serious offense indeed.”
“That was self defense! He was in the process of punching me in the face, and I held his arm still. He was only able to follow through because you bit me!”
Bingam shuffled his feet. “That was also after you'd cast the spell.”
“Ha!” cried Murkwort. “I'll have both your cloaks when this is through!”
Dave could see something like regret or deep concern in Captain Righteous's eyes. Maybe Murkwort's threats were sinking in, or maybe he was coming to terms with how close he was getting to ending his career. This could end badly if he didn't intervene.
“Captain Righteous swore an oath to protect His Majesty the king and all his subjects.” Dave was talking out of his ass, but he felt safe assuming something along the lines of what he just said was true. “Those dice you sold could, in the wrong hands, lead to devastation for this city, and for the realm. Maybe even the world.”
“Poppycock!” said Murkwort. “You know nothing of magic. You exaggerate their power.”
“I'll happily wear that hat and repeat myself.”
Murkwort scrutinized Dave. “I believe you. At least, I believe that you believe that what you say is true.” He turned his head toward Captain Righteous. “If you release me, I swear by the gods I shall not take any retaliatory actions against you. Furthermore, I shall voluntarily accompany the dwarf to be interviewed by his colleagues. In return, I expect all of my questions to be answered as well. My curiosity is piqued. I long to know more about these dice.”
Captain Righteous raised his eyebrows hopefully at Dave. “What say you, dwarf?”
Dave shrugged. He was apprehensive about setting a high level wizard free after having punched him in the face, tied him to a chair, and strong-armed him for information. But he was even more apprehensive about passing up what would almost certainly be their one and only opportunity to let bygones be bygones. “He is wearing the hat.”
Captain Righteous exhaled like he'd just jizzed himself, the expression on his face the definition of relief.
Chapter 20
The forest was eerily quiet, as if a Silence spell had been cast on it. No frogs croaked. No bees buzzed. Not a single chirp from bird or cricket. Every acorn that dropped sounded like a hammer in an empty church.
“Is it always this quiet?” asked Cooper as he, Chaz, and Zippypants McGoatcock or whatever the fuck his name was stood among the outermost trees looking deeper in. It didn't smell as earthy as a forest should. Aside from his own contributions, it smelled unsettlingly sterile.
“The Dark Ones have destroyed or driven out all animal life, from wild boar to the lowliest insect. The centaurs, unicorns, and elven druids have all fled to seek new woodlands to call their homes. Even most of the satyrs have gone. Only the bravest, stubbornest, and stupidest remain.”
Cooper snorted. “Which one are you?”
“I suppose that remains to be determined.”
“Who are the Dark Ones?” asked Chaz.
“Not who, but what. For their souls have departed.”
“So they're zombies?”
“Ha!” The satyr took a swig from one of his wineskins. Cooper had assumed it was water, but a trace of the dark liquid ran down his billy goat beard, identifying it as the same wild blackberry wine he'd shared with them the previous night. It was some good shit, to be sure, but not something Cooper would drink at dawn. Dude was hardcore. “The day I
witness a centaur fleeing a zombie is the day I put away my pipes for good. The Dark Ones have no bodies either.”
“Then what the fuck is left of them?” asked Cooper.
“Anguish, contempt, and an utter hatred for all life, manifested as shadow.” Zazzyfrazzle's head jerked to the left as he pointed at something in the trees. “There!”
Cooper squinted in the direction he was pointing, but couldn't make out anything unusual. “What are you pointing at? I don't see anything.”
“They're difficult to spot unless they're moving or standing in light. It's too early to enter the wood. The shadows are too thick, allowing the Dark Ones to move about freely and nearly invisible.”
Chaz kept his eyes in the direction the satyr had pointed as he knelt down to pick up an acorn. When he stood back up, he said, “Zanzifurl, let me borrow your pipes.”
The satyr laughed nervously, but didn't look away from where he'd claimed to see an evil dark spirit. “The magic of a satyr's pipes can only be produced by satyrs, and the Dark Ones haven't a mind to be affected by it.”
“I'm a bard,” said Chaz. “I produce magic through music. The instrument doesn't need to be magical.”
“Suit yourself.” The satyr held out his pipes to Chaz. “Perhaps a song will sate its thirst for living souls.”
“You don't need to be a bitch about it.” Chaz took the pipes and blew a few quavering notes.”
“Jesus, dude,” said Cooper. “You're even shit for a bard.”
“I'm getting a feel for the instrument. I've never played one of these before.” A few notes later, it started to sound more like music, familiar music. “I see the light...” He stopped singing as the acorn began to glow in Chaz's hand, and before Cooper could recall exactly what song he'd been playing.
The trees around them glowed brightly as the enchanted acorn banished the shadows.
“Jesus fucking Christ!” said Chaz, dropping the acorn and pipes, and drawing his rapier.
One shadow remained. A vaguely human-shaped faceless absence of light ducked behind one of the thicker trees it had been standing next to. Gaunt almost to the point of skeletal, it raised its hands so that they melded with its head where its eyes should be. A somehow even darker void opened up like a mouth as it let out a silent scream.
Throwing down its fists, it slipped right through the trunk of the tree like it didn't exist, and flew straight at Chaz.
Chaz sliced through it with his rapier, which had about as much stopping power as the tree had. The shadowy creature latched onto Chaz's face with its gaping mouth and gripped the back of his head with both hands. Chaz screamed, dropping to his knees and ineffectually swatting at it.
“Fuck!” said Cooper. He looked back at the satyr, who had hopped back a good ten feet. “What do we –”
Feed me.
Of course. A powerful enough magical weapon could strike an incorporeal creature. Cooper hoped Nabi was up to the task. He took her off his back and swung at the shadowy creature sucking on Chaz's face.
The axe appeared to swing through the creature, but Cooper didn't feel any resistance at all. He'd expected to feel something, even if it was just a patch of slightly denser air. Maybe whatever magical bonus Nabi was packing wasn't enough to affect this type of creature, he scrambled to think of another way to save Chaz. Would pissing on it do anything?
But the shadow monster let go of Chaz's face and whirled toward Cooper.
Finish it!
Cooper supposed he was mistaken. Apparently, Nabi had gotten a piece of this face-sucking shadowy asshole after all.
The creature launched itself at him, arms outstretched and mouth wide open. Having no time to swing, Cooper rolled out of its way, hopped back up to his feet, and brought Nabi down on it from behind. Again, he felt nothing as the axe passed through it, resistance only coming when the blade chopped deep into the earth.
It came at him again before he was able to wrench Nabi free from the ground. He dodged its attack, but instinctively swung a fist at it. While there was no physical resistance, he felt an icy chill in his arm as it passed through the creature's shadowy genital area.
One more hit!
The shadow monster flew for Chaz again, who was on his hands and knees over a puddle of his own vomit. Hardly able to move, he made for a surer thing than Cooper.
“Noooooo,” Chaz groaned as the creature mimicked his pose, hiding itself by sharing the same space he was occupying. Chaz shivered, then began to convulse, and the shadow monster did its best to mimic his motions.
“You cowardly motherfucker.”
“F-f-f-fuck you!” said Chaz, trembling violently on his hands and knees.
“Not you, dumbass.” Cooper could see what game the shadow monster was playing. In order to strike it with Nabi, he'd have to chop through Chaz as well. “If that's how you want to play it.” He held Nabi over his head.
“W-w-w-what are you d-d-d-doing?” cried Chaz.
“Nice try, shithead,” said Cooper. He kicked Chaz hard in the ribs, knocking him a good five feet away and leaving the shadow creature exposed. He brought Nabi down hard, and the creature exploded into a bunch of tiny fragments of shadow which quickly evaporated into the light.
“Are you okay?” Cooper asked Chaz.
“Asshole!” Chaz groaned. “My fucking ribs.”
“Sorry, dude. I didn't have a choice.”
“I know. It just hurts a lot. Calling you an asshole alleviates the pain a little. Thank you for that.”
Cooper snorted. “You're welcome.”
Chaz got up on his hands and knees, then struggled to stand upright. “Did I put on weight? I feel like my bones are made out of lead.”
“You're not heavier,” said the satyr. “You're weaker. The Dark Ones drain your strength when they attack you.”
“Well shit! That was already one of my lowest scores.”
“I'm afraid I do not understand your meaning.”
“I wasn't a strong person to begin with.”
Ziggyfaggles nodded. “In time, your strength will return, provided you avoid further attacks.”
“What happens if I get attacked again?” asked Chaz.
“If they drain you of your strength entirely, you become as they are. Too many of my brethren have turned to shadow, living beyond death in constant anguish.”
“You're kinda bumming me out, man. I get the whole white privilege thing.” said Cooper. He held Nabi up to look at her. “So where do we go from here?”
You must travel deeper into the forest. My pixies will find you.
“What did she say?” asked Chaz.
Cooper frowned. “Nothing too specific. We've just got to keep going deeper into the forest until we get picked up by pixies.”
“That's not a plan. We're going to die and turn into Dark Ones!”
“If that's your biggest fear, you might consider that you're part of the problem.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Chaz bent over and picked up his acorn. “Jesus, it feels like a fishing sinker.”
“We no longer need it,” said the satyr. “The rising sun will keep most of the Dark Ones at bay, and make the hungrier ones easier to spot and avoid.”
That sort of cravenness is why the forest is overrun with them. We must hunt down and destroy them all!
Cooper didn't want to call this guy a cowardly bitch while he was guiding them through the forest, but he felt he should say something about his axe's intentions. “I don't think Nabi intends to do much avoiding.”
“We should hurry if we're to penetrate as deeply into the wood as possible before mid-afternoon.”
“What happens at mid-afternoon?” asked Chaz.
“Half the daylight hours will have been spent. If we've found no safe haven, we'll have to turn around. We don't want to be in this wood after dark.”
Chaz nodded. “That makes sense.” He threw the acorn with what looked like more effort than should be necessary. It landed about eight feet ah
ead of him. “Damn it.”
“That's amazing,” said Cooper. “It takes a certain degree of innovation to make you suck more than you already did.”
Chaz looked like he wanted to give Cooper the finger, but couldn't be bothered with the effort of lifting his hand.
Chapter 21
Julian lay on his back, gazing up at the sky and willing himself to not think about Ravenus. Cooper may pretend not to like him, but Julian could tell that they'd bonded during their time together at sea, and he knew that Cooper would do everything in his power to look after Ravenus.
So he focused instead on a spider busily building a web between two tree branches. It had already finished laying its anchor strands, and was about a third of the way through laying the connecting sticky strands spiraling out from the center. He remembered having seen a documentary about spiders, in which he learned that the spider is able to produce both sticky and non-sticky strands with which to build their webs.
If human beings had evolved to be able to produce adhesive fibers from their asses, how might modern society look different. Would slavery have been abolished earlier if there was no demand for cotton since every person on earth could shit out as much silk as they could ever want? Would there have even been a slave trade at all? Would obesity be an issue? Or would people be able to convert as much food into silk as they wanted, thus self-regulating their caloric output? Given that spider silk is five times stronger than steel, and a person is so much larger than a spider, would human-produced strands be so much thicker, and subsequently stronger? Would all clothing and building materials be bulletproof? What would that mean for the gun industry? Maybe there wouldn't even be one, because humans would have just been super chill, swinging from tree branches together by their asses, and not have felt the need to build weapons with which to slaughter each other.