by Robert Bevan
Chapter 27
“Where am I?” said Cooper, shielding his eyes against the piercing daylight. “Jesus, what time is it?”
“You have slept just over an hour,” responded a childlike voice that sounded like one of those goddamn wild pigs who'd abducted him, Chaz, and Goatman.
Cooper rubbed some shit out of his eyes while they adjusted to the light. “Don't fuck with me, pig. It was only evening when you worked your sleep magic on me. It's got to be at least late morning now, or early afternoon even. Hang on. Did you... violate me?”
“We are not pigs!”
“I'm sorry, is that like the N-word to your kind? Do you prefer to be called swine or Porcine-American or something?” Now that his eyes had adjusted to the light, he searched the grove to address the pig he was talking to. But the only living creatures he could see were Chaz and Goatman, both still sound asleep. “Where the hell are you?”
A tiny winged person materialized in front of Cooper, hands on her hips, hovering and glaring at him like an angry bee.
“Jesus fucking Christ!”
“Do I look like a pig to you?”
“No,” Cooper admitted. “It was an honest mistake. You sound just like the pigs that abducted me and my two traveling companions.”
“The boar were just pulling the sleds. We were the ones talking to you. We can turn invisible at will.”
Cooper thought about it for a moment. In light of seeing this tiny flying woman hovering in front of his face, her explanation seemed a lot more credible than him being kidnapped by talking pigs.
“Shit. Please apologize to that one pig I beat the shit out of.”
“I'm sure he will understand when I explain to him how incredibly stupid you are.”
“Thanks.” With that weight off his chest, Cooper took in his surroundings. While it was as bright as mid-afternoon in their immediate surroundings, the light didn't come from the sky, but from an orange crystalline structure on the ground, like a frozen campfire. It shined light like Chaz's acorn had, only much more intensely, but the full moon and stars were visible in the night sky. “Where are we?”
“This is the Secret Glade of Glittersprinkles Grove.”
“How fucking secret could this place be all lit up like this? It's got to be visible for miles.”
“We've cast Permanent Image spells all along the perimeter of the glade. To the outside observer, this looks like any other random section of dark forest. Occasionally, a Dark One will wander in by chance, but we make short work of them. Now, tell me what business you have in my wood.”
“I'm not interested in your wood,” said Cooper. “As a matter of fact, I thought you were a woman.” The effeminate flying creature glowered like it might slap him, so he hurried to his point. “We were looking for you. You're pixies, right?”
“Your powers of perception are developing. You can now tell the difference between a pixie and a pig. Congratulations. Now what further trouble do you seek to cause for the Children of the Forest, half-orc?”
“I don't seek shit. I was led here by a friend of yours. Someone by the name of Nabi.”
The impressively convincing pixie transvestite's pink eyebrows furrowed in thought. “Knobby? That doesn't ring any chimes. Is he a gnome?”
“Hollywhirl!” said a second pixie who suddenly appeared, grabbing the first one by the arm. This one also had very effeminate features but was more obviously a dude. He turned to Cooper with a wide-eyed gaze. “Do you mean Nabi?”
“Shit.” Cooper sighed. “Am I still fucking up the pronunciation?”
Hollywhirl pulled his arm free from the other's grasp, and had a tiny arrow aimed at Cooper's face before he even saw him pull out a bow. “What know you of my sister, filthy half-orc? Speak the truth or I'll feed you to the Dark Ones before I destroy you for good.” Dude was pissed, but Cooper found it kind of adorable that he was threatening him with such a tiny arrow.
“Listen, man. I don't want any –”
“SQUAAAWWWWK!” A mass of black feathers launched out from one of the trees at the perimeter of the glade like a particularly obnoxious Dark One with a beak.
Hollywhirl spun around and released his bowstring, interrupting Ravenus's battle-squawk and sending him crash-landing into the grass next to Cooper.
“Nice try, buddy,” said Cooper to the unconscious bird. “It was a solid effort.”
“Search the perimeter,” demanded Hollywhirl to the seemingly empty air. “See if anyone else was following them.”
“It was just him,” said Cooper. “To be honest, I'd forgotten he was with us.”
“We shall soon find out, Mr. Cooper.”
Cooper's heart skipped a beat as he stared in wonder at the effeminate bug-man. “How do you know my name?”
“Are you deaf?” said Hollywhirl. “Your stupid bird just shouted it.”
Cooper looked down at Ravenus, feeling even worse for having forgotten about him. “He speaks the Elven tongue. I can't understand any of the shit he says.”
Hollywhirl's face was a mixture of impatience, frustration, confusion and, as hard as Cooper searched for it, a distinct lack of an Adam's apple.
“Why would you choose for your familiar to speak a language which you cannot understand?”
Cooper snorted. “My familiar? Do I look smart enough to be a fucking wizard to you?”
“No, you do not.”
“And do I look like I have a high enough Charisma score to be a sorcerer?” Cooper let loose the fart that had been brewing from the anxiety of the interrogation to strengthen his point.
Hollywhirl and his visible companion flew a few feet higher.
“I'm not sure I understand what you're talking about,” said Hollywhirl. “But if not your familiar, then whose? The human weakling? The satyr?”
“It's a friend of mine's. We got separated. I'm looking after him until we meet back in Cardinia. Nabi requested we make this detour into a fucking haunted forest. If she's really your sister, then I'm sure you know how stubborn and persuasive she is.”
Cooper was expecting a sleep arrow to the face, which would have suited him fine. But Hollywhirl's hard glare began to soften.
“I sense no ill intent from you, and you genuinely seem too dumb to deceive.”
“Thank you.”
“Where is my sister?”
“She's in my axe.”
Hollywhirl frowned. “I don't understand.”
“I don't either,” said Cooper. “I picked up this badass-looking axe off an orc I killed out on the Barrier Islands. A couple of days later, it started talking to me. Like, in my mind. It said its name is Nabi and started going apeshit on creatures it considered evil. She's fucking exhausting.”
“That does sound like your sister,” said the other pixie, a little judgmentally. “She tends to be a bit zealous.”
Hollywhirl's eyes sparkled a little more than tears alone should account for, like his tear ducts were secreting glitter glue.
“Honeydrop, Wildflower. Fetch the half-orc's axe.”
“Right away, Hollywhirl,” said a voice from the air above Cooper.
A few moments later, Cooper's axe floated sideways and lay on the ground in front of him. He sat extra still, wanting to be absolutely clear that he had no intention of picking it up and swinging it at them.
“Hickory Nut can fell a sparrow in flight from thirty yards away,” said Hollywhirl, gesturing at his visible companion. His tone wasn't hostile, but it wasn't fucking around either. “You are far larger, slower, and nearer. And he's not the only one with an arrow currently pointed at you.”
Cooper glanced around, not seeing anyone, but also not doubting his words. “I understand.”
“Nabi?” Hollywhirl addressed the axe. “Are you in there?” After a moment of no response, even in Cooper's head, Hollywhirl looked sternly at him.
“I think I need to hold her,” said Cooper. “Our bond needs to strengthen or something.” He was kind of talking out of his ass, but
he also believed that what he was saying was true in a way that he didn't fully comprehend.
Hickory Nut's expression was skeptical, but Hollywhirl's was hopeful.
“Very well,” said Hollywhirl. “Pick up the axe.” Instead of flying higher as Hickory Nut did, Hollywhirl descended and landed gently on the ground in front of Cooper and the axe. Cooper didn't know if it was meant to convey that he trusted him, or to show off just how unafraid of him he was, like he was daring Cooper to make a wrong move. Maybe he just wanted to show off to his own people who really had the nuts of hickory.
“Hollywhirl?” said Hickory Nut, sounding a little concerned.
“It's okay.” Hollywhirl's gaze never left Cooper's. “He knows he's surrounded.”
Well he sure as shit knows now.
Cooper scooted forward on his ass in order to demonstrate that he was not at all trying to get into an optimal batttle-ready stance. It was due for a wipe anyway. When he reached the axe, he moved his hands very slowly and deliberately toward the upper part of the shaft, near the blades, so as to purposely not have leverage for a swing.
“Nabi?”
You've done well, Cooper. Thank you.
“You're welcome. Your brother is here.”
Hollywhirl's eyes narrowed and his lips pursed, but he remained still and silent.
I don't have a brother.
Cooper kept his circumstances in mind, but glared at Hollywhirl. “You son of a bitch impostor. Who are you?”
Hollywhirl is my sister.
“She had you fooled too, huh?” Cooper cupped his hand around the corner of his mouth, brought the axe blades up close to his face, and whispered, “He asked me what I wanted to do with his wood.”
“I asked you what business you have in my wood, you idiot! That's another word for forest.”
Cooper felt embarrassed that she'd heard him, but relieved because he'd fully intended to rub one out to her later whether she was a dude or not.
“Sorry. Never can tell nowadays.”
“If that axe is really my sister, ask her why she's an axe.”
Cooper listened to Nabi's story in his head, then relayed it, piece-by-piece, to the pixie audience.
“She sensed an evil presence in the wood.” He paused to snort out a giggle and snot bubble. When it was clear that no one else shared his amusement, he continued. “She discovered a dwarf leading a group of goblins and decided to follow them. They went deep into – Hang on, are you fucking with me?”
“What is it?” asked Hollywhirl. “Where did they go?”
“Morning Glory Hole?”
Again, there was a distinct absence of laughter.
“Yes?” Hollywhirl motioned for him to continue.
“That's a real place?” said Cooper. “Morning Glory Hole?”
“It's a cave to the south,” said Hickory Nut.
“And that's the best name you could come up with for it?”
“It's named for all the morning glories which grow around it.”
Cooper frowned. “It doesn't seem a little –”
“Who gives a juniper berry what the cave's name is?” said Hollywhirl. “What happened next?”
After pausing to listen, Cooper continued with Nabi's story. “Though she was invisible, the dwarf had been aware of her presence all along. He cast a Web spell at the cave's entrance, trapping Nabi and rendering her helpless.”
Hollywhirl folded her arms and huffed. “That's just like her to go off on her own without telling anyone and follow evil creatures into a forbidden cave.”
“When they captured her, the goblins held her down.”
Hollywhirl and Hickory Nut's eyes grew wide with worry and anticipation as Cooper developed a sick feeling in his stomach, fearing what information he might shortly have to relay aloud.
“The dwarf grinned down at her, commanded the goblins to turn her over, then...”
He pulled my wings off.
Cooper sighed with relief. “He just pulled her wings off.”
Hollywhirl and Hickory Nut gasped in horror, as did several other pixies who still chose to remain invisible.
“I thought that story was headed in a whole different direction,” said Cooper. “But yeah, I guess that's still pretty bad.”
“Continue with your story, half-orc,” said Hollywhirl, staring daggers at him as if he was the one who'd de-winged her sister.
“The dwarf performed some kind of ritual and trapped her inside the axe. She took some time to adjust to being an axe, and by the time she got control of her senses, she was in some kind of orc stronghold. She held back her power a few times, killing he owners by giving them a disadvantage in combat, until...”
“Until what?” asked Hickory Nut.
Cooper knew this was going to be a hard sell. “Until she met me.”
Hollywhirl narrowed her eyes. “Why? What's so special about you, that Nabi would choose you to wield her?”
You have a good heart, you are loyal to your friends, and you are fun.
Fully aware that it made him sound like kind of a douche, Cooper repeated Nabi's kind words about him.
“I'm not convinced,” said Hickory Nut.
Hollywhirl looked up at him. “But –”
“I know you want to find Nabi. Somehow, this half-orc knows that too. He's telling you exactly what you want to hear and giving himself a hefty dose of flattery as well.”
“I never wanted to hear that my sister's wings were ripped off!”
“The unpleasant details sell the story, the hope that she's still alive. And who better to sell such a story than someone who personally knows otherwise?” Hickory Nut gave Cooper an accusing look, but Cooper was still trying to work out the implications of what he'd just said.
Another female pixie materialized. At least she appeared female. Cooper searched for an Adam's apple.
“There's one way to confirm his story.”
Hollywhirl turned to the new girl. “What's that?”
“We can bring the axe to the Pool of True Sight.”
Hickory Nut rolled his eyes. “I knew it was only a matter of time before someone suggested that. That's a full day's journey, meaning we'll be outside the safety of the glade for an entire night. On evidence provided by this half-orc cretin.”
“Hey, fuck you!” said Cooper.
Tell him the same from me as well.
“Nabi says fuck you too.”
Hickory Nut pointed at Cooper. “There, you see! Nabi would never say that to me.”
Hollywhirl stared wide-eyed at Cooper. “Yes, she would.” She turned to Hickory Nut. “I'm sorry to have to break it to you like this. She's never liked you.” She stood up and looked high in the air. “Children of the Forest, we leave at dawn.”
Chapter 28
Dave woke up on the floor in the cellar of the Whore's Head Inn, which was immediately recognizable by the fact that it contained an enormous wooden dildo, which was the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes. It was right there in his face, pointing at him like he owed it a beej and it was time to pay up.
Pushing himself up off the floor, Dave discovered he was naked. He wondered if his nakedness was in any way related to the proximity of the dildo, and leaned over to give it a sniff. He detected no alarming smell, nor any unusual soreness in his ass, come to think of it. He would assume that his nakedness had nothing to do with the dildo until he remembered or was informed otherwise.
The dildo wasn't the only thing on the floor. The whole cellar was a mess, with weapons strewn all over the floor. Nothing remained of the crates that had held them except broken strips of wood.
The state of the room, the nakedness, his splitting headache, and his complete lack of memory of the previous night's events all led to one conclusion. He, Frank, Rhonda, Tony the Elf, and Murkwort must have gotten completely shitfaced last night. Dave struggled up the stairs on his squat naked legs, whispering a small prayer to whatever gods might be listening that he hadn't fucked Rhonda.
“Hello?” Dave called out. “Frank? Rhonda? Are you there?” Suddenly feeling a little panicky, like there might be something more wrong than the possibility of him having fucked Rhonda, he banged on the door with his fist. “Tony the Elf? Murkwort?”
“He doesn't know.” Rhonda's voice was faint on the other side of the door, but it was her all right.
“Hey!” shouted Dave. “I can hear you guys! What's going on? What don't I know?”
“Are you feeling okay, Dave?” Frank called back to him. That was a step in the right direction. They weren't pretending they couldn't hear him.
“I think so. I mean, I'm naked for some reason, my head hurts, and I'm locked in the cellar. But otherwise, I guess I'm doing okay.”
“You don't remember anything about last night?”
“No, but I'm guessing we got pretty trashed.”
After a short pause, Tony the Elf spoke up. “One of us did, in a manner of speaking.”
Dave didn't even want to know how far off the deep end he'd gone. With this group, how far out of line did you have to act to warrant getting locked in the cellar. Shit. Had he tried to force himself on Rhonda?
“Listen, guys. Whatever happened, I'm really sorry. My alcohol tolerance must be out of whack or something. All I've had to eat for the past three days is a turkey leg I picked up off the floor. It's been rough out there.”
There was no response from the other side of the door. Were they on the fence about forgiving him, or at least releasing him? Did they need a bit more of a nudge?
“Like I said, I don't remember what happened last night. But I trust you had a good reason to lock me in here. And whatever I did, I'm truly sorry, and I'll do whatever I can to make it right. I know being drunk doesn't excuse my behavior, but maybe... I don't know. Maybe you could give me a little credit for bringing Murkwort in? I mean, he could be the key to getting us all back home.”