"I don't give a shit about what everyone wants. I'm telling you not to run away from what you want."
"Well, Christoff, sometimes satisfying one's wants is not a good idea. Especially when it comes to you." I took a deep breath as I silently vowed to myself to ignore the aching want that consumed me. I had to deny what my body was telling me for the sake of protecting my deeper and more complex needs.
"I've never seen you hold back before. I'm intrigued." Christoff's lips curled into a mischievous smile. "It makes me want you even more. But unfortunately I will have to deny myself. We're running late. I have a surprise for you, and we need to get going. Come," Christoff commanded, as he put his arm around my waist and led me forward.
"Where are we going?"
"If I told you, then it wouldn't be a surprise, now would it?"
"Ah touché." I couldn't help but to laugh. I never let guys surprise me. I always like to know what's going to happen next. I need to be in control of every detail, but, for some reason with Christoff, I was able to relax and allow him to show me a good time, even though I wasn't quite sure what he had up his sleeve. I couldn't stop smiling as he escorted me down the walkway from my apartment. Although Christoff and I had been out on the town together countless times, I always felt as excited as I was on our first date. I gasped as we approached a sharp black Lincoln Town car. I was expecting his usual silver Mercedes.
Christoff smiled. I could tell he enjoyed my reaction. "I decided to get a driver for tonight so that I could fully focus on the beautiful lady beside me. You know last time we were in the car together, you distracted me so much I almost killed us both."
I laughed from deep within. Christoff was always so intense, so it delighted me to see his eyes sparkle as he laughed with me. He opened the door for me, and I smoothed my dress and climbed inside. He slid in next to me and stretched his arm across the seat behind me. He took up so much space and his energy was larger than life. He wasn't touching me but being so close to him made all of the nerve endings in my body tingle.
As we rode together, side-by-side in the elegant but understated town car, I became so engaged in conversation with Christoff that my mind didn't have time or space to analyze what would become of us after tonight. In fact, I was so consumed by him that I forgot I had no idea where we were headed. I was just filled with a sense that everything was happening exactly as it was supposed to.
Christoff was listening to me so intently that he didn't even notice that the car had stopped, and the driver was standing outside holding the door for us. The way he was so focused on everything I had to say made me feel special, but I had to interrupt myself midsentence.
"Christoff, we're here! I can't wait to see what you planned for tonight." I gushed.
"I love how excited you get over everything I do for you. It makes me feel good." Christoff was beaming. My heart fluttered as he touched the side of my face and kissed me on the forehead.
Christoff slid out of the car and extended his hand to me. The warmth of his touch and the way his hand completely enveloped mine made me feel safe and taken care of. I felt all of my blood rush to my cheeks as I rose to my feet and realized we were standing at the entrance to Alinea, one of Chicago's most unique and extravagant restaurants. I remembered telling Christoff how much I wanted to go here the last time we spent time together. I was touched that he remembered.
Dinner with Christoff was a true delight. The food tasted exquisite and the presentation was a work of art. Christoff rented out the whole back room of the restaurant so that we would have total privacy. It was quite the intimate experience. He was so charming throughout the whole night. I felt like he was courting me for the very first time.
When we left the restaurant, his hand was on the small of my back as he led me to the town car and opened the door for me. I was reluctant to pull myself away from his touch, but I willed myself to step away from him and climbed into the car. He slid in next to me. We were so close that I could feel the heat from his body.
"Thank you, Christoff. I had a spectacular time." I squeezed his thigh affectionately. I was impressed by how thick and muscular it was. I wanted to leave my hand there, but I knew it would give him the wrong idea.
"I'm glad that I was able to show you a good time, Gia. Being able to make you happy pleases me more than you know."
He placed his fingers under my chin and tilted my head so that I was looking up at him. He looked at me with such adoration it made me feel like the most significant woman on earth. I started to wonder why I ever walked away from him in the first place. He leaned in and grazed his mouth against mine. I shuddered in anticipation as I teased him by rubbing the tip of my nose against his. He leaned in and kissed me softly and sweetly. His full moist lips felt so good against mine. The sensation caused my head to spin. I wrapped my arms around him and leaned into his kiss. He nibbled my bottom lip before pushing his tongue against mine. I moaned as I became dizzy with delight. The taste of his kiss made me hungry for his sex. He slowly pulled away from me causing me to ache for him more.
"I want to show you something that I think you will appreciate." His voice was low and husky with desire. "Do you want to see it?"
I was so aroused that I couldn't find my words so I just slowly nodded my head. Christoff was quiet as we rode along the streets of downtown Chicago. I gazed out the window and admired the vibrant city I called home. Although I was enchanted by her, I was distracted by the heat of Christoff’s gaze on my body. I glanced over my shoulder and looked at him through lowered lashes. I expected him to avert his eyes, but he didn’t. He drank me in as if I were a delicious and sexy glass of red wine. The admiration in his gaze turned me on. I crossed my legs in attempt to stifle my wetness to no avail.
“We’re here now. I want you to close your eyes. I’m about to take your breath away,” Christoff said quietly in my ear. My heart fluttered. I really didn’t like surprises but there was a level of trust between me and Christoff, so I decided to surrender and say yes to the moment. My improv class had really changed me for the better. Christoff slid out of the car and held out both of his hands. I put my hands in his and rose to my feet. “Close your eyes, Gia.”
“Okay, ” I responded reluctantly. I immediately felt vulnerable as soon as my eyes were closed. I grabbed one of Christoff’s hands with both of mine, and I held on tight as I allowed him to lead me. I heard my heels click on what had to be a marble floor. We covered a lot of space before I heard what sounded like an elevator opening. “Christoff where are you taking me?” I prodded.
“Don’t worry. You’ll see in just a second. We’re almost there.” I felt my ears pop as we traveled up the elevator. It was a long ride. Christoff squeezed my hand more tightly and placed his other hand on the small of my back.
“Be careful. Keep your eyes closed but watch your step.” I shuffled out of the elevator on to what felt like carpet. We walked several yards before Christoff let go of my hand. I heard the sound of a door opening, and then I felt a cool moist wind caress my face.
“Take a step up.” I followed instructions. The floor beneath me felt smooth and hard and the air around me was bit chilly but still comfortable.
“This is what I wanted to show you. Open your eyes.” I blinked a few times and when my vision came into focus, I was blown away by the masterpiece before me. We were on a roof top surrounded by other magnificent skyscrapers that were all lit up. The Chicago skyline was breathtaking, and I was standing right in the middle of it, only God knows how many stories high. There weren’t any words for the magnitude of awe that consumed me. I walked up to the railing and let the wind tousle my hair as I took it all in. I felt the heat of Christoff’s body close behind me. I couldn’t speak. I just leaned back against his chest, and let him take me into his arms. He pressed his cheek against mine and let his hands rest on my stomach. I felt like I was literally on top of the world with the King of the Universe standing by my side. I hadn’t felt this good in a long time.
“Thank you Christoff. This is amazing,” I whispered into the cool evening breeze.
“The pleasure is mine.” Christoff’s baritone voice reverberated through my entire being. I felt my nipples harden as Christoff ran his nose up the curve of my neck. My knees felt like jell-o.
“You make me feel so good in so many ways.” I murmured.
“You make me feel all kinds of things.” Christoff grabbed my hips and pressed into me. I became wet in reaction to the feeling of his hardness swelling against me. “You’re so sexy, Gia. I just can’t stay away from you.” Christoff’s hands explored my body as he kissed my neck. I was lightheaded from all of the sensations storming through me. I turned around and met him half way as he brought his lips to mine.
The hunger in his kiss stimulated my already aroused desires. It felt like molten lava was coursing through my veins. I ran my fingers through his hair as he grabbed a handful of mine and tugged at the roots. An involuntary moan escaped me. I was completely consumed by his kiss. I gasped as he flipped me around so that my back was to him again. He swatted my bottom with a firm stroke. It stung and felt good at the same time. He ran his hands up my thighs as he nibbled my neck. I grinded my hips against him. I was throbbing for him. I moaned as he caressed my breasts and pressed his hips into me harder. His hands slid down the length of my body and up my dress. I spread my legs as he wedged his thick fingers between my thighs and circled my clit. An overwhelming heat washed over me. My heart skipped a beat as he moved my panties to the side and entered my eager wetness with two fingers. My muscles contracted in response to his touch. I leaned against him and kissed his neck as I enjoyed the feeling of being wrapped up in his arms with his fingers inside me and his hard body pressed against my back. I felt like I was free falling through heaven as wave after wave of pleasure crashed down upon me, and I came in his arms while overlooking the Chicago skyline. He pulled me more tightly against him and squeezed as he covered my face and neck with light kisses as I came down. I wanted to turn around drop to my knees and take him over the edge with the same overwhelming force that just overtook me, but my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Christoff’s voice in my ear.
“Gia, I’ve been thinking about what you said back at the hospital. I can’t get the last conversation we had out of my head. With the chaos of the accident, I wasn’t in the right place then, but now I have my head on straight.” Christoff turned me around so that we were face-to-face. His gaze penetrated me. “I think we should really do this. Just me and you for the long haul. No more back and forth, no more confusion. Let’s just work on making it work.”
My stomach was doing somersaults. I always thought that once I heard Christoff say those words, everything would be right in the world, but, now that it was finally happening, I felt fear and anxiety. I really wanted to be with him. I loved him. But I didn’t feel like I was in the right place. I was still healing from everything that happened with Trevor, and my heart just wasn’t open enough to accept what Christoff was trying to give.
“Christoff, I’m so sorry. I just don’t think I’m ready for this right now.” I swallowed hard to try to quell the growing lump in my throat. “At first I thought I was ready to start a life with you, but I think that was just me being afraid to be alone. I do want you more than you know. But right now I have nothing to give. It wouldn’t be fair for me to try to start something with you. I’m still so messed up from my last relationship. I don’t think I could be as good to you as you deserve. And besides I’m just not ready to be hurt again. You have a lot of options. I don’t think I could stand constantly being in competition with so many girls.” I spoke slowly as I fought back tears. Christoff listened attentively.
“Gia, I know how you feel. I do.” He stroked my hair. “After everything we’ve been through and all of the challenges of my previous relationships, I didn’t think I had anything left to give either, but my feelings for you gave me strength. Just the thought of you lights a fire inside of me and inspires me to be a better man so that I can have something to give to you. And there is no competition, Gia. You’re the only woman that makes me feel this way. You’re right that I could be here on the rooftop of one of the best hotels in one of the most beautiful cities with any woman tonight. But I’m not here with anyone else. I’m here with you asking you to be a part of my life.” Christoff placed his hands beneath my chin and tilted my head so that I was looking into his eyes. “Let’s do this, Gia.”
I felt tears well in my eyes. I wished that I would have just moved to Germany and started a life with him when he asked me to the first time, last year. I was so strong and confident and emotionally healthy back then. We would have had an amazing life together. But now it felt like it was too late. Trevor broke me to the point where I wasn’t sure of myself anymore. I’d been so sensitive and moody, and I worried that I couldn’t compete with the type of girls that rockstars have access to. I needed Christoff more than ever now, but I didn’t want to use him as a crutch. I wanted to get my independence back and learn to stand on my own two feet. I wanted to return to being the female alpha I was before I met Trevor. I needed to be alone, but I didn’t want to lose Christoff. I loved him more than any man I’d ever been with before. His presence had a healing quality, and his touch made me feel alive. I was disgusted that the man of my dreams was standing before me asking me to be with him, and I was too afraid to say yes. I wasn’t totally happy with who I was. I opened my mouth to try to explain to Christoff what was going on inside of my head but no words came out. It was too complicated for me to even articulate. My face was hot with emotion as I choked back tears. I tried to speak through sniffles.
“Christoff I want this just as bad as you do, but I need time. I’ve been through so much recently. My last relationship was a mess. It changed me. I’m just not in the best place right now.”
Christoff stroked my hair and caressed my face.
“Gia, it tears me apart inside to see you like this. I want to kill him for hurting you. If I ever get my hands on him, he’s going to wish he was never born,” Christoff said passionately. He grabbed both of my hands and squeezed. “I understand where you’re at more than I can explain. I don’t want to relive it right now, but—as I’ve shared with you in the past—my childhood was filled with trauma. I went through so much darkness. The scars made it hard to connect with my feelings. There was a time that I lost my sense of identity, but I eventually found myself again. It didn’t happen overnight. It was a long process. I did it all on my own. I don’t like being vulnerable, so I was never comfortable enough to open up to any of my girlfriends about what I was going through. I had no one to lean on. I just had to put the pieces together myself. It wasn’t easy. I care about you so much. I don’t want you to have to work through whatever you’re healing from on your own like I did. Let me hold your hand through this.”
I was taken aback by Christoff’s patience and concern. I knew that he cared about me, but I hadn’t realized quite how compassionate and understanding he could be.
“Christoff I appreciate your support but I don’t want to drag you through Hell with me. And I don’t expect you to wait for me.” My eyes threatened to overflow with tears.
“As you know I’m not a patient man, Gia. But, for you, I will wait. I promise you I’m strong enough to hold you up if you start to feel like you’re falling down. You’ve given me so much and made me so much better just by being who you are that now I want to give that back to you and so much more. I’ll go as slow as you need me to, but I can’t walk away from here tonight not knowing if you will be a part of my life.”
I felt so loved and cared for. I didn’t know if I was ready for anything too serious, but I felt that I could get through anything with Christoff by my side.
“Thank you so much for your support, Christoff. It means everything. I can’t make any promises for the future, but I will give you this. Let’s see each other again and see what happens.”
“Done.” Christoff pul
led me into his embrace. For the first time in a long time, I felt safe. I buried my face in his chest as he squeezed me.
Chapter 4
Over the course of the next few months Christoff showed me the time of my life. We enjoyed theater in Toronto, dancing in Miami, and a lovers’ getaway in Napa Valley. When we weren’t out on the town, we shared our writing with each other. He sang some of his songs to me that weren’t recorded yet, and I shared some of my short stories with him that I couldn’t even imagine publishing. His positive feedback on my writing made me feel like I was one of the most talented women in the world. I felt like we were making love when we drank wine and wrote poetry together. It was the first time I had ever created something with Christoff. I’ve always been ambitious but I never dreamed that I would ever get the opportunity to collaborate with one of my favorite artists to bring something new into the world. It breathed new life into my creativity.
I felt so connected to him. Aside from Amber, he was my best friend. Just being in his arms made me feel protected and provided for. When I was sick with a nasty respiratory infection, he came to Chicago and took care of me. He hired someone to clean my apartment, and he cooked dinner for me every night until I was better. We spent a lot of time together, but we still didn’t have a label because I was too afraid to make the commitment. I was starting to feel more like myself again, and writing and improv helped bring my confidence back, but I was still hesitant about losing myself in yet another relationship.
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