by S. Nelson
She started to speak again but stopped abruptly.
Sara was no longer looking at me but instead at something behind me. Or should I say someone behind me? It was then I realized Cora was the someone she was staring at.
Sara’s body instantly tensed, her breathing becoming shallow and rushed. Her hands clenched at her sides as she tried to control the wave of emotions rushing over her. She glanced back and forth between Cora and me, stopping to take in my half-naked, disheveled body. When her eyes finally rested on my face, she silently pleaded for an explanation. However, I couldn’t give her one. I had no idea what Cora was doing there, but it didn’t really matter. Knowing what was obviously running through Sara’s mind was enough to put a shadow of doubt on our relationship. And in that moment, I did something I would soon regret.
I let her assume the worst.
It was a coward’s way out, I knew. But I thought if she hated me, it would make it easier on her in the long run. Anger was always better than a broken heart. While fury would fuel her to push forward, a broken heart would devastate her.
It didn’t take long before her eyes turned cold.
Hurt and resentment danced with sadness and rage.
The woman standing before me was quickly becoming someone I didn’t recognize, and I hated the fact I was the man responsible.
“Sara…” I only called out her name. Nothing more. There was so much I wanted to say to her, but I didn’t.
While I knew her heart was breaking, she remained stoic, simply stepping closer. Tears had broken free and cascaded down her cheeks. Then I saw the emotion in her eyes switch to full-on anger. “I hate you!” she seethed before turning and fleeing to her car.
I knew she meant what she said. She truly hated me.
Join the club. I hate myself right about now.
My soul ached. None of my actions could justify hurting her the way I had, and it wasn’t only that night. I’d slowly been withdrawing from her, tearing open her heart and confusing the hell out of her. I made her second-guess our relationship. I even made her second-guess my love for her.
I flip-flopped back and forth so many times about what I should do.
Well, it seemed my decision was just made for me.
I could only hope in time she would forgive me, and although anger was the better emotion to have then, I hoped it didn’t end up consuming her.
Once I closed the door, I spun around only to catch Cora leering at my naked chest. The woman was unbelievable. I was still in shock she showed up at my house.
Without giving me the time to mourn the loss of my relationship, Cora started in with her shit.
“You should know Sara and I had a little chat today.” She smirked.
No. She didn’t say what I think she did. The alcohol is messing with me.
The sneer on her face challenged me.
“What the fuck did you say?”
Noticing the look of pure rage on my face caused her to retreat. She stuttered over her next words. “I went…t…to see her today at her little s…shop.” She was pissed I’d made her stumble over her words, so she squared her shoulders before continuing with the rest of her story. “I told her we were back together, so she should leave you alone.”
She knew her mistake as soon as the last syllable left her lying lips.
My movements were too quick for her to react. Snatching her up, I crushed her bony body to mine. We were practically nose to nose. Gripping her arms tight, I yelled in her face. “You…bitch! Don’t you EVER step foot near her again. Do you understand me? EVER!” I’d never raised a hand to a woman in my life, but I was finding it difficult to control myself. All I wanted to do was squeeze the life from her. After everything she’d done to me, she added hurting Sara to her list. Although, I could add myself into that category, as well.
“Alek, you’re hurting me.” She tried to struggle in my grasp, but it was useless. I made sure to hold on to her longer so she knew how serious I was.
As soon as I released her, she stumbled backward. “Alek, baby. I think we owe it to ourselves to give our relationship another try and work this out. We were so good together. And I’m sorry…about everything. Please.”
This bitch is crazy.
I shook my head in amazement. I actually felt sorry for the pathetic woman standing in front of me. Not only was she delusional, but she was insane if she thought I would ever take her back.
The longer she stood in front of me, the more I suspected something else was up. There was no way she truly thought she could win me over. So, what else could it be?
I was lost until something occurred to me. I saw the way her eyes lit up when she walked into my house. She came from money, so she shouldn’t have been so impressed.
Then a light bulb went off.
“You need money, don’t you, Cora?” My words made her turn away for a split-second. Bingo. She was here for a handout. But something else didn’t add up, either. No way would Cora show up at my house, unannounced in the middle of the night, confess she told Sara what she did and still expect me to give her what she wanted.
No. Someone put her up to it. Someone had convinced her that her crazy plan would work. Someone who knew how desperate she was.
And I had an idea exactly who it was. Only one other person I knew had the balls to back such a foolish plan: the guy who was still trying to mess with me. Well, I’d had enough. I was going to take care of him once and for all.
“Cameron put you up to this, didn’t he?” She looked stunned I’d actually figured it out. “Didn’t he?” I roared.
I didn’t give her a chance to deny it before I seized her wrist and dragged her toward the front door. As soon as I opened it, I shoved her outside. She didn’t fall, but she did stumble. “Go fucking ask him for a handout because you won’t get one from me. And Cora? If you ever come near me or Sara again, you’ll regret it. Trust me.”
As the door latched shut on my past, I couldn’t help but wonder what my future would bring.
~~~~
For two months I’d been drowning in grief, and I couldn’t take it any longer. Sara missing from my life was like my heart being torn from my chest. I knew I was the one who sliced it out, but at the time I thought it was for the best. For her. I wasn’t so sure anymore.
I’d witnessed her version of living over the past eight weeks. I didn’t even know if she was aware I was watching, but I was. Of course I was; I had to make sure she was all right. Well, physically, at least. It was the whole reason I’d basically broken it off with her.
A reason I’d instantly regretted.
She was sullen and removed, never venturing out except to her shop then back home again. I didn’t even think she went to the grocery store, most likely relying on Alexa to take care of all the mundane daily tasks.
Physically, although still the most beautiful woman I’d ever laid eyes on, she lost weight. Her face was forever saddened and most times, her eyes were reddened and swollen. I hated I was the person solely responsible for turning her into a shell of her former self.
Amongst her sadness, however, was deep-seated anger. I had no doubt in my heart she hated me. She told me so. And even if she hadn’t meant it that night, enough time had gone by for those feelings to have been cemented deep inside of her. I would rather her hate me than be torn apart by what I did to her. Yes, anger was a much better emotion to wrangle with. It provided a blanket of comfort, something to ward off the knives trying to weave themselves into one’s very soul.
I knew of such things because anger sheathed me every day. I hated myself and tried to find comfort in the bottom of a bottle. Each night, I’d drown my sorrows with the burning liquid. It lasted for only a short while, then I was back to harboring regret and anger in the morning. I was slowly killing myself; every day I didn’t redeem myself was another proverbial nail in the coffin.
One day, I’d finally woken up with hope in my heart. I was going to attempt to see Sara. I needed to try and explai
n why I’d done what I did. Knowing her, she definitely wouldn’t make it easy for me and I wouldn’t want her to. Hell, I didn’t know if she would even talk to me again. Ever. But I had to try.
The tracking device on her phone was still active. I didn’t know if she forgot about it or if she secretly hoped I’d use it someday. I was hoping for the latter. I wouldn’t show up at Full Bloom or her apartment. I didn’t want to disturb any kind of solace she’d been able to find at either place. I was admittedly an asshole, but I wasn’t cruel. Although some might beg to differ.
The next time she ventured anywhere else, though, I was going to accidentally run into her. I was hoping she still had love in her heart for me, even if she hated me. The connection we shared was too powerful for her feelings to disappear altogether.
It was what I would keep repeating to myself until the day I’d finally be able to see her again.
~20~
Sara
Three months had passed since I’d seen or heard from Alek. It was a struggle each single day to try and function like a normal human being. With every ounce of strength I possessed, I’d drag my sorry ass out of bed in the morning. No more than four hours of sleep rescued me from my reality, so not only was I an emotional wreck, but my physical self had taken a beating, as well. I’d lost weight, my hair wasn’t as vibrant and there were dark circles under my eyes. Thank God for concealer. But I didn’t care. I was simply living to exist.
There were many times I’d chastised myself for ever becoming involved with Alek. Going in, I knew it was too good to be true. I feared he’d break my heart…and he did. He was good, though. Telling me he loved me, acting as if my safety was his number one concern…I felt like a fool.
The last time I’d seen him played over and over in my head. That awful woman standing in his house, him practically naked. What were they doing before I rang his doorbell? The mere thought was torture, so I tried not to think about it but sometimes, when I was feeling really low, I took it there.
Seeing the anger laced in his eyes had confused me, though. I wasn’t sure if he was upset before he opened the door or once he’d realized it was me on the other side. There were too many what-ifs. I would never truly know the full story, and I had to chalk it up to nothing more than an extremely heartbreaking life lesson.
Don’t fall for hot, rich men. And surely don’t give that same man a second chance after he reveals he’d been watching you for eight years.
But even that, I came to understand. After he’d explained everything, mentioning his promise to my grandmother, a woman who I loved more than anything, I saw the situation for what it was. A young man trying to help ease an elderly woman’s heart, but also trying to make up for not being able to save his own sister.
Confusion had become my go-to emotion as of late. It was better to hide behind than devastation and raging anger.
Alexa was the only one I’d truly confided in. Matt wouldn’t understand. All he would want to do was hunt down Alek and try to teach him a lesson, and I didn’t want to put him in any kind of situation where he could possibly be harmed. Alek had grown used to Matt’s place in my life. Dare I say he even began to like him? I wasn’t sure how he would react if Matt came at him, though, and it was a risk I wasn’t willing to take.
The more days that crept by, the more numb I became. I didn’t know if it was my survival instincts kicking in, but I feared if something didn’t change soon, I would simply die inside and never feel anything ever again.
No happiness.
No anger.
No sadness.
Nothing.
I smiled politely to those around me and uttered “Fine” when they asked how I was doing. But I never told the truth. I always lied.
~~~~
“Are we still going out tonight, Sara? Please, tell me you’re not going to back out again. You haven’t been out of this house, besides to work, in way too long.” Alexa stood by the couch with her hands on her hips, glaring down at me. I knew she was upset with me, but I couldn’t find it inside me to care much.
She was doing her absolute best to help pull me from my dark depression. Because I was so thankful to have such a wonderful friend in my life, I decided to stick to our plans for once. I couldn’t imagine having any fun, but I would fake it like I had been for the past few months.
“Sara? Did you hear me? Are you going to cancel on me again?” My dear friend was frustrated, and I didn’t blame her.
I tore my eyes away from the mindless TV show and looked up at her. A small, forced smile tipped my lips. “Yes, I’m still going.” She acted as if I’d told her I cured cancer. Her smile was huge, but she quickly regained her composure.
Sitting down next to me, she placed her hand on my arm. “Don’t be mad, but you need to eat. You’re losing too much weight, and it isn’t healthy.”
Gingerly glancing down at my thinner frame, I half-smiled. I had lost at least twenty pounds because I didn’t bother to nourish myself. There were days when I hardly ate anything at all, waiting until dinnertime to have something simple, like a piece of fruit. Both Matt and Alexa took turns trying to force-feed me, but their efforts were wasted.
“I know, Lex. I promise I’ll eat something before we go.”
“Not a piece of fruit, Sara. I want you to eat something real, something nutritious. You have to stop abusing your body like this or you’ll end up really sick.”
She was a thousand percent right and I knew it. I had no energy as it was. My hair and skin looked dull, and there was a constant beat-down look in my eyes.
“I’ll eat a good meal, I promise.”
She looked skeptical at first, and then a smile encroached on her beautiful face as she sat there grinning at me.
“I know you will. Because I’m going to make us both something to eat. Plus, if our stomachs are full, we can drink more.” She laughed as she made her way to the kitchen and started pulling ingredients from the refrigerator.
She ended up making us chicken francese, veggies and a side salad with all of the fixings. I tried to muster enough of an appetite to eat all of it, but my stomach had shrunk drastically and I could only manage half.
I sat back after eating and had to admit I felt a little better already. A small surge of energy pumped through me because of the meal she’d forced me to eat.
“Thanks for dinner. I’m going to take a shower now and start getting ready. You don’t plan on staying out too late, do you?”
“Sara…” she warned. “Don’t worry about how late we’re going to be. The only thing I want you to focus on is enjoying yourself. For once.”
“Okay, okay. I promise I’ll try and enjoy myself. ‘Fake it till you make it’, right? Isn’t that the saying?”
“Yes, it is,” she replied, giving me a hug before she turned around to clean up from dinner.
~21~
Sara
We ended up at a smaller, local bar. I told Alexa I wasn't ready to be around a large group of people. She understood and was grateful I’d ventured outside our apartment at all.
An hour in and I’d already consumed a couple of drinks. I wasn’t drunk by any means, but the familiar twinge of lightheartedness was upon me and I welcomed it with open arms.
Alexa and I were in mid-conversation when Braden came walking through the front door. Since there weren’t too many patrons, he’d been able to locate us rather quickly.
“Hi, Sara. How are you?” he greeted. An undercurrent of sympathy swirled around his words as he addressed me.
“Fine, Braden. How are you?” Simple pleasantries passed between us as usual. I liked him. Besides being a nice guy, he was head-over-heels for my best friend. He was intense, but his love for her was undeniable.
I had that once. Or so I thought.
“Good, good.” He locked eyes with his woman and I knew something wasn’t right. Palpable tension enveloped them, but neither one gave way to what was wrong. After more uncomfortable silence, she was the first to spe
ak.
“I thought you said you were working late tonight,” she said with an air of aloofness.
“Yeah, well, I figured you were more important than the papers I was going over with my assistant.” He tried to smile but faltered.
“I’m surprised you were able to tear yourself away from her.”
Oh, no.
Braden’s hand rested on her elbow. Leaning in, he softly spoke. “Can we not do this here? In public? If you still have an issue, I would be more than happy to go somewhere more private so we can discuss it like adults. Instead of throwing out insinuations.” Her breath paused as she quickly made eye contact with me.
Apparently, there was some sort of issue going on between them, and I was guessing it had everything to do with his assistant.
“I’m not going anywhere with you. Sara and I were having a great time until you showed up to dampen the mood.”
He turned toward me and tried to force yet another smile before he focused all of his attention on Alexa. He leaned in close and whispered something in her ear. She had no reaction until suddenly a blush crept up her neck and broke out across her cheeks. He leaned back and cocked his brow, waiting for her to make a move. Within seconds, she hopped off her seat. He reached for her hand and she swatted him away but continued to allow him to usher her into a private hallway.
I remembered being in similar situations with Alek. Damn it. Why did thoughts of him have to infiltrate my brain? I’d been doing well so far, only thinking about him twice before Alexa was able to successfully distract me. But she left me alone to dwell on the one man who had consumed me for months.
Glancing toward the hallway where they had disappeared, I prayed they would settle their issue and come back out to join me. A couple of minutes passed and still nothing. Running my fingers over the coolness of my glass, I picked it up and took a sip. The drink soothed my worries, allowing me some time to swallow its tantalizing numbness.