“Don’t get me wrong,” he continued, bringing her gaze back to his. “It was never about sex. It was never my intention to sleep with you. I just wanted to be around you. I figured your goodness would spread over onto me…” He sighed. “I know, it sounds ridiculous.”
She shook her head. “No, it doesn’t. Not really. I’m humbled that you think I’m so good, that you believe I can help you.” She did want to help him. So much.
He held her gaze. “Once I met you, once I got to know you…God, Emily, you drive me crazy. You’re as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside and that is so fucking rare. You know how many people are just after something from me? It disgusts me how fake the world is. But you…I can’t quite figure out what it is you want from me. So tell me.”
What?
“I…don’t want anything from you.”
“Yes you do.” He stared into her eyes. “Everyone wants something. What is it you want from me?”
Emily lowered her gaze. What did she want from him? Truly? She couldn’t deny she fantasized about a romantic relationship with him. She dreamed about him falling in love with her and living happily ever after. But she couldn’t tell him that. It was absurd. Embarrassing.
“I…want you to be happy.” Which was true, even if it didn’t answer his question. “I want to help you heal.”
He sighed. “You’re not answering my question. What do you want from me?”
She hesitated. “Your friendship. Always.” Which was also true. No matter what happened, she would always be his friend.
Disappointment flickered in his eyes. He blinked and it was gone. What had he expected her to say?
“I do value your friendship, Emily, more than you know. Sometimes I think you’re too good to be true. But honestly, friendship is not what I think about when I think of you. All I can think about is how gorgeous you are and how much I want to touch you, rub your goodness all over me.”
Heat scalded her cheeks. He did, really? She jerked her gaze down to the tabletop, unable to think of a suitable response.
He let out a disgusted laugh. “I can see I’ve embarrassed you. I’m sorry. I had hoped that if you got to know me—the real me, not the actor everyone thinks they know—maybe you might like me, maybe you might even care about me, and that if you did, then maybe that would mean there was something good in me somewhere, maybe even something loveable.”
Emily’s heart crumbled.
Oh Sebastian, if you only knew how loveable you are. How good you are.
She jumped out of her chair and slid into the one closest to Sebastian’s.
Wariness flickered across his face as he eyed her. She liked seeing him show some emotion. It meant he wasn’t acting around her anyone. It meant he was being himself and not pretending to be something he wasn’t.
She grabbed his hand and squeezed it comfortingly. “I’m not mad at you, Sebastian. I don’t hate you. I’m hurt by what you did. I wish you hadn’t deceived me. Our relationship may have started with lies, but I’m willing to forgive you if you promise to be honest with me from now on. Do you think you can do that?”
He heaved out a sigh, his gaze crawling back to hers. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I don’t think…I can do this without you. I need you, Emily. So yes, I will be honest with you from now on.”
As Emily stared into his eyes, awareness crackled between them. He was so close, his face mere inches from hers, his body not more than a foot away, his hand still cradled in hers. Her skin heated. His scent floated over her, fresh and woodsy with a hint of leather and spice, making her dizzy with unexpected longing. Her heart hammered.
His gaze slid down to her mouth. Lingered. Then darted back to hers.
Her breathing quickened. She couldn’t look away from the desire in his eyes. The way he stared at her mouth left no doubt that he wanted to kiss her. A few days ago, even an hour ago, she would have shied away, knowing he wasn’t ready for that yet, that he only thought he was. But now…now he was starting to heal. He’d told her secrets he’d shared with no one else. He trusted her. And he’d told her moments ago he wanted to make love to her. That she was the first woman he’d ever wanted to make love to before.
She had no doubt he’d been telling the truth. And that scared the crap out of her.
Sebastian might be ready for her now. But was she ready for him?
She drew back, pulling her hand from his, her cheeks on fire.
When she’d said talking had healed her, she hadn’t been completely honest with him. She wasn’t totally healed. She still avoided situations that terrified her. Like getting too close. The thought of letting Sebastian touch her, kiss her, make love to her, scared the living crap out of her. She used avoidance the same way he did.
Sebastian snatched up his drink and sucked on the straw, drawing the Coke into his mouth, then swallowing. Emily stared at his lips. If she wanted to, if she let him, he would kiss her. She could feel those lips brushing against hers, softly, seductively...if she wanted to.
She jerked her gaze back to his, her cheeks growing even hotter.
His eyes twinkled. “Go ahead,” he said softly, his voice floating over her, teasing her, drawing her in with that mesmerizing drawl. “I know you want to kiss me. I want it to, more than you know. I’ve been fantasizing about that damn mouth of yours for too long.”
Emily cleared her throat. “Are you sure you’re ready for that?”
He cocked a brow. “Am I ready? Fuck, Emily, I’ve been ready almost since the moment I met you. The question is, are you ready?”
She lowered her gaze. “I want it—you—to be real.”
He shoved the drink aside. “You think I’m acting? Pretending? I discovered not long after I met you that I can’t act around you. You force the truth out of me, make me be honest even when I don’t want to be. That’s why I run when you push too hard. I can’t lie to you anymore. I told you the truth a moment ago because you forced it out of me. You make me…want to be good. You make me want to stop hiding.” He waited until she lifted her gaze to his. He lowered his voice, his gaze intense as it held hers. “If you knew how much I want to kiss you, Emily, how long I’ve been daydreaming about touching you…”
She sucked in a breath, her heart pounding. “I don’t…want to be just another one of your floozies.”
He snorted. “You’re still worried about that? I haven’t had sex in over six years. Intentionally. I told you I wasn’t like that anymore. I’ve changed. I’m trying to heal myself. You don’t think if I wanted sex, I could get it anywhere? We both know I don’t have to chase a woman to get laid. I can get it for free, if that’s all I wanted. But that’s not what I want. You’ve got me so tangled up inside that all I can think about is you. All I want is you.”
She swallowed hard, unable to look away from the intensity in his eyes.
“This isn’t about me anymore, is it Emily? It’s about you.”
He was right. She was scared—no, terrified—of letting a man touch her after what she’d endured as a teenager. She couldn’t tell Sebastian she’d never been kissed. Never gone out on a real date. Never had a boyfriend before.
All because she’d been too afraid.
She’d avoided men the way a frightened child avoided a scary closet at night, keeping a wide distance between herself and the opposite sex.
But she’d never been afraid of Sebastian. He’d never given her a reason to fear him.
“I’m not afraid of you, Sebastian,” she admitted. “I’ve never been afraid of you. You’re a good person, whether you want to believe it or not.”
“Then what is it?” His gaze probed hers. “Now that you know me, are you not attracted to me? Do you find me repulsive now that you know about my past, about what I’ve done? Pretty on the outside, ugly in the inside?”
Emily shook her head. “No. It’s not that. There’s nothing ugly about you, anywhere. You’re hot and you know it. It’s just…I’m scared it won’t mean anything
to you, that it will be just sex to you and nothing more.” The words came out in a rush, her cheeks heating in embarrassment. She wasn’t ready to admit the whole truth. Not yet.
He rubbed a hand over his face again. “You’re afraid I’m going to use you.” He sighed. “I’ll admit I would have done that in the past, but not now. I won’t even touch you unless you tell me to. If anything ever happens between us, it will be at your doing. Not mine. Understand? You’ll be in control of everything, not me. Okay?”
She pulled her gaze back to his and witnessed the sincerity in his eyes. He wouldn’t kiss her, touch her, unless she asked him to? Did he expect her to make the first move? She wasn’t sure if she could do that. What if she…did it all wrong?
A waitress stopped before their table, her blonde hair bouncing around her shoulders. She glanced at Emily, then she ignored Emily, her gaze running suggestively over Sebastian. She flipped her hair and cocked her head in a flirtatious way. “You want another?”
Sebastian rose, irritation crossing his features. “We were just leaving.”
He grabbed Emily’s hand and dragged her toward the door.
“What was that all about?” Emily asked once they were out in the parking lot.
“She was being disrespectful to you.” Sebastian slid onto the motorcycle’s seat, handed her jacket to her, then donned his own. “First Craig and now her. That pisses me off. Come on. I’ll take you back to the hotel. It’s getting late.” He pulled his helmet over his head and buckled the chin strap. He handed Emily her helmet.
Emily mounted behind him, pulling the helmet over her head. Sebastian helped her buckle the strap, his fingers brushing against her chin. She watched his eyes, but he wouldn’t meet her gaze, instead focusing intently on the strap as he buckled it and turned back around.
“You ready?”
I’ll take you back to the hotel.
What did that mean?
Was he dropping her off and heading out somewhere else by himself?
“Will you stay with me at the hotel?” she asked softly, wrapping her arms around his waist.
His body stiffened, though she wasn’t sure if it was from her question or her touch.
He started the motorcycle without answering her. He pushed the bike backwards out of the parking space, then headed toward the street.
They raced away, the wind whipping Emily’s hair behind her.
She didn’t know if he hadn’t heard her. Or if he was just ignoring her.
But she feared it was the latter. That he would drop her off and go somewhere alone. She feared he was still too unstable for that. She didn’t think he should be alone right now.
She had to find a way to keep him with her. A way to keep him safe.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Sebastian walked Emily to the hotel room. He intended to deliver her safely to the room and then flee. He wasn’t sure where he was going to go. He just needed speed and distance from her.
But when he started to turn away, she grabbed his arm.
“You’re not staying?”
He sighed. “I told you I don’t sleep much. I have insomnia.”
“Tell me about that. Why do you have insomnia?”
He shrugged. “Lots of reasons, I guess. My mind just won’t shut down. There’s too much…turmoil inside me.”
She squeezed his arm. “Because you’re holding too tightly to the nightmares of your past. Let them go, Sebastian. Let them go and you’ll be able to sleep.”
“Fuck, Emily, why do you think everything is so damn simple? I can’t just let it go.”
She held his gaze. “Okay. We won’t talk about that. But I don’t want you to go. Will you stay with me? Please. I don’t want to be alone in a strange town.”
He didn’t want to leave her alone in a strange town. But staying with her, not touching her, would be torture. “I can’t just…sit and stare at the wall.”
“You don’t have to.” She pulled him into the room.
He didn’t resist. His curiosity overrode his need to flee. What was she up to?
She closed the door behind them.
He watched her from beneath the bill of the cap, waiting to see what she would do, trying to ignore his thundering heart.
She turned to face him. “Will you, um, teach me some self-defense moves now?”
That wasn’t what he’d expected. “Now? Here?”
“Yes. I want to be able to defend myself if I have to.”
“All right. But we don’t want to make too much noise and disturb the other hotel guests. We won’t be doing any real sparring, okay?”
Relief swept across her face. Had she been afraid he would refuse? Did she really want to learn or was she using it as an excuse to keep him from going off and doing something stupid? He wasn’t sure, but he found he didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay with her.
Sebastian tossed his baseball cap into a chair. “The first rule is to not make yourself a target.”
Emily nodded. “I’m an extremely aware person after what happened to me. I carry a gun in my purse everywhere I go.”
No shit? Emily never ceased to amaze him. “You have a gun?”
“Yes. My dad taught me how to shoot. I never miss my target.”
Sebastian quirked a brow. “Have you ever had a human target?”
She lowered her gaze. “No.”
“Carrying a gun might make you feel safer, but in a confrontation, you have only a few seconds before your attacker gets control of you. Trust me, it is highly unlikely you will have enough time to pull your gun out and shoot your attacker before he gets a hold of you.”
Her cheeks filled with color. “So tell me what to do then.”
“The first thing you need to do is get loud and push back. It may not dissuade your attacker, but it lets him know you’re not an easy target. Don’t be afraid to strike out. Eyes, nose, ears, throat, groin, knees and legs are all vulnerable areas. You will need to inflict as much injury as possible so you can get away.”
“Okay. What do I use for weapons?”
“For upper body strikes, use your hands. The outer edge of your hand, a palm strike or knuckle strike. Like this…” Sebastian demonstrated a few techniques of different hand strikes. “Open palm slammed into a nose works effectively. As does fingers gouging or poking into the eyes. An elbow thrust into the throat is effective as well.” He demonstrated the moves without actually touching her.
“For lower body, knees are vulnerable. Kick out at them like this…” He demonstrated a few knee kicks to the front and side. “Your head is also a good weapon for close contact. You can slam your head backward into an attacker’s nose or even an ear if you’re being held at his side.” He showed her a few more defensive moves using his head. “Self-defense is also about throwing your body weight strategically at your attacker. You will inflict more damage this way no matter how large your attacker is.”
He stepped back. “Now try them on me.”
She mimicked his moves, one at a time, but she was hesitant, not aggressive like she needed to be.
“If I were a bad guy, you’d already be a prisoner right now. You can’t hesitate. You have to strike and strike fast, then move back out of his reach. Like this…” He demonstrated again, moving in quickly to attack, then bouncing back out of the way.
Emily snorted. “You make it look so easy. I don’t know if I could actually hurt someone.”
“Then you lose. You become the victim.”
Sebastian moved quickly. He wrapped an arm around her neck and yanked her back against him. He snaked his other arm around her torso, holding her arms tightly against her sides. “I’m your attacker. You hesitated and now you’ve become a victim.”
Her heart thumped wildly beneath his arm. She squirmed against him, but he didn’t let her go. He had a point to make. She needed to take this seriously.
“Sebastian.” She squirmed again. “Let me go.”
“Use the techniques I just taught you. Get
away, Emily. Do it before I hurt you.”
Her entire body stiffened. She jumped up and stomped on his foot.
“Ouch!” Sebastian released her and stumbled back, hobbling in a circle, favoring his injured foot. “Damn, that hurt!”
Emily paled, a horrified expression crossing her features. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean–”
He chuckled. “You did great. I’m proud of you. See, you came up with your own defensive move.”
She lowered her gaze. “I…didn’t hurt you?”
“Yeah, you hurt me. But I wanted you to fight back. Just remember, don’t hesitate in a dangerous situation. Strike fast and move away. Like you just did.”
He sank onto the edge of the bed. Yanking off his shoe, he rubbed his throbbing foot. Emily eyed him sheepishly. She stepped in front of him and glanced down at his foot.
“Did I…break your toe?”
Sebastian glanced up at her. “I don’t think so. But I have a perverse desire to have you rub it better for me.”
Her cheeks bloomed with color. Her gaze darted away from his. She giggled. Her gaze bounced back to his. “Really? You think that would help?”
He hid a smile. “Immensely.”
She lifted a brow. “Okay then. Move over.” She sat on the bed next to him and reached for his foot.
Was she serious? He’d only been teasing. God, she was innocent. And sweet. And so damn trusting.
He wanted to kiss her. Desperately.
But he wouldn’t. Not unless she asked him to.
Emily leaned over him and grabbed his foot. He let go and sprawled back on his arms, watching her.
She pulled off his sock and inspected his red skin. She gently ran her fingers over the tender flesh, then pressed down. He flinched.
“Easy now. It’s sore.”
She gently massaged the top of his red skin, her fingers soft, back and forth, up and down. Desire shot through him, heating his blood. Shit. He wanted her fingers on another part of his anatomy.
At last she let go of his foot. She turned on the bed so she was facing him.
“Does it feel any better?”
He remained sprawled back on the bed, his eyelids lowered as he watched her. “Yes. Your touch was amazing.” I want it on the rest of me.
Scarred (Unlikely Heroes Book 5) Page 15