by JM Stewart
He turned instead and made his way to the coffeemaker. He emptied yesterday’s contents and set a new pot to brew before forcing himself to face that note. The paper shook in his hand when he finally plucked it off the counter and opened it.
I’m sorry I didn’t wake you. I didn’t have it in me to say good-bye to you one more time. It just would have been too hard. Take care of yourself, Gabe. I have no regrets.
~Steph
As he stared at her words, processing slowly the moment he’d arrived at, that familiar ache settled in its place inside of him. He was alone. Again. His life would go back its new normal. He’d bury himself in work during the day and Char in the evenings and weekends. Every night he’d try to sleep while lying in bed pondering the fucking ceiling.
He tried to convince himself he didn’t feel broken, that loneliness wasn’t eating a hole in his chest. He’d never again get to see Steph’s bright smile or hear her addicting giggle. Or fall asleep wrapped in the softness of her embrace. She’d go back to seeing other men, would move on with her life, none of which included him.
And he had to let her do it, because what the hell could he offer her? A handful of promises?
He swore under his breath, wadded the note, and hurled the paper ball in the direction of the living room with all the frustration winding through him. It sailed over the island and dropped somewhere on the other side. His shoulders tensed to the point of pain, and Gabe pivoted, dragging both hands through his hair.
He fucking hated this place in his life. He’d been here for too damn long, living somewhere between regret and grief. First when Julia died and now with Steph’s departure from his life. He’d hated letting her go the first time and despised it even more now. It was like watching the never-ending cloud cover close off that tiny, brilliant gift of sun, leaving him once again in depressing shades of gray.
And he missed her. Goddamn it.
Chapter Fifteen
Steph pushed off her couch, taking her wineglass with her as she paced out into the middle of the living room. She stared on the TV, several feet in front of her. The images playing on the screen blurred as her gaze unfocused. Lauren and Mandy sat on the sofa behind her, waiting for her response to a question she didn’t know how to answer.
“Why aren’t you with Gabe?”
Lauren had asked her that an hour ago when she and Mandy had arrived. Not wanting to spend the evening alone and entirely too aware she wouldn’t be spending this weekend with Gabe, she’d called them first thing after work.
Seven days had passed since she’d walked away from Gabe. Since she’d left her heart behind in that warm bed. The very thing she’d feared had come to pass. She’d lost him. Again. Here she was, trying to put him behind her for the second time in her life.
The difference was, she was pretty sure she loved him more now than she ever had in college. Leaving him last Saturday morning had been the hardest moment of her life. She almost hadn’t. She’d stood on his front porch for five minutes, tears dripping down her cheeks and her heart broken in little pieces, willing herself to move.
To leave him behind.
Getting over him the first time had been hard. Now? The thought of never seeing him again, never again getting to lie within his warm embrace or even to hear the addicting rumble of his laugh made her chest feel like it wanted to cave in.
Which was how she’d found herself here. Some part of her brain reminded her that this had been her choice. When she’d left, she’d been sure she’d done the right thing. She needed more than he could give her right now.
She needed him to be able to tell her he loved her, too. Now especially.
The problem was, every night since she’d left, she’d lain in bed, pondering the same awful questions. If she’d done the right thing, why did it feel like a piece of herself was missing? Was this really what she wanted? A world without him in it? She still went to bed alone. Still woke up with the same lonely ache in her chest.
She’d been right. Her time with Gabe had ruined her for any other man. She had no desire to go back to Military Match, to sit through another meaningless date. Because there was only one man she wanted. Him. And it filled her with questions she wasn’t sure were smart or even logical.
Her gut twisted up in tight, confused knots, she turned sideways, glancing at the girls. “That’s reckless, right? To want to see him again? Wouldn’t I be settling?”
Lauren, who’d been sipping decaffeinated Earl Grey tea, looked up at her and shrugged. “But you love him, right?”
That, so far, was the easy question. She’d come to terms with it over the last seven days. “Yes. But he can’t tell me he loves me, too, and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever get there.”
One dark brow arched. “But does he make you happy?”
The weight of the world dropped onto her shoulders as the truth washed over her. She couldn’t deny that, either. “Yes.”
In every other way, Gabe was exactly the kind of man she’d searched her adult life for. The kind of man all little girls dream about. Honest almost to a fault. Hardworking. Dependable. A good father. And she felt whole when she was with him, like she’d found piece of herself she hadn’t realized was missing.
Lauren gave her an amused smirk. “Then why are you sitting here with us?”
Steph sighed. She didn’t know anymore. All she knew was that she missed him. Terribly.
Clutching her wineglass between both hands, she glanced back at Lauren. “But you didn’t. You walked away from Trent for the same reason. Shouldn’t I be holding out for more?”
Lauren’s brow furrowed, sympathy rising in her eyes. “The difference with me and Trent is that he didn’t want more. Gabe does. You said so yourself.”
Mandy, seated beside Lauren on the couch, sipped at her glass of Moscato, a thoughtful expression on her face. “Seems to me that you just need to decide whether you think he’s worth waiting for.”
Steph’s stomach rolled with nerves. She tipped her glass back and drained it. The lovely, fruity alcohol settled warm and luscious in her belly but did nothing to calm the shakiness of her limbs. “But it doesn’t change anything.”
The doorbell sounded through the apartment, interrupting the confusion swirling in her brain. She frowned at the girls. “Either of you expecting anybody?”
Lauren shook her head. “Not me. Trent knows where I am. If it were an emergency, he’d call me first.”
Mandy shrugged. “Only person I’d be expecting is one of you, and you’re already here.”
Steph moved to the door, undoing the dead bolt and pulling it open…only to freeze on the spot. On the other side of the threshold, Gabe stood with his hands stuffed in his pockets. She stared for a moment, caught by the luscious sight of him. God. Of all the people to show up, it had to be him.
Gabe flashed a nervous smile, darted a glance in the direction of the living room behind her, and reached up to rub the back of his neck. “Hi. I’m sorry. It didn’t occur to me you might have company. I should’ve known you wouldn’t be alone on a Friday night.”
“You’re not interrupting. We were just leaving.” Lauren, God bless her, glanced at the nonexistent watch on her wrist and popped off the couch like someone had stuck her in the behind with a needle. She took Mandy’s wineglass from her hand, set it on the coffee table, and grabbed her arm, pulling her to her feet.
“We were?” Mandy frowned in confusion but let Lauren pull her toward the front door all the same.
“Yep. It’s getting late.” Tugging Mandy behind her, Lauren strode toward the coatrack, seated beside the door and snatched up their coats. “I have to get up early to make the doughnuts, and you’re going to need a ride home.”
Gabe turned a solemn frown on Lauren. “Please don’t let me make you leave.”
“You’re not. I do have to get up early tomorrow. It’s Saturday, our busiest day at the shop, and Miss Tipsy here has had a few. Can’t let her drive home.” Lauren gave Gabe a warm, reassuri
ng smile, then turned to wrap an arm around Steph’s shoulders. She planted a kiss to Steph’s cheek, then shrugged into her coat.
“Bye, sweetie.” Mandy leaned in and gave Steph a tight hug and followed Lauren out the door.
Gabe turned, his gaze on Lauren and Mandy as they moved across the landing and down the staircase. When they disappeared around the corner, he faced her again. For a moment they stood regarding each other. Tension moved like a living, breathing entity between them. Those hazel eyes searched her face as if he were waiting for something.
Then and there the decision she’d been contemplating all week made itself. She couldn’t not do this. That he’d come to her just seemed like a blatant shove from the powers that be. If she didn’t do this, she’d spend the next ten years lost in regret.
She drew a deep breath, but before she could summon the right words, Gabe stepped across the threshold. He stood so close his scent swirled around her, warm and masculine. “I miss you.”
The words settled on her ears, their meaning like being offered a partnership. Or a lifetime supply of chocolate. Or like being told she’d won the lottery. Tears rushed up on her, the relief so profound her shoulders sagged. She’d spent the last week thinking about what she wanted from her life, from him. Had thought about her relationship with her father and all her regrets. When she’d left Gabe lying asleep in bed, she’d arrived home in tears, her chest all but splitting wide open.
She gave him the brightest smile she could muster, but her lower lip wobbled. “You came all the way over here at nine o’clock at night to tell me that?”
“Couldn’t wait.” He pulled a hand from his pocket and dragged it through his hair, then darted a nervous glance around him before finally settling his gaze on her again. One beefy shoulder hitched, and he let out a soft laugh. “Christ. I haven’t done this in a while. All the way over here, I rehearsed everything I wanted to say to you. Now suddenly here you are and I can’t remember a damn thing.”
His words sent hope blossoming in her stomach like a flower in spring. Steph curled her shaking hands around her wineglass. If she didn’t, she really would hurl herself at him.
She closed the door, then drew a deep breath for courage before turning and facing him again.
“Well, I’m glad you’re here. You’re saving me a trip.” She set her wineglass on the table beside the door, where she normally left her keys, and closed that last step between them. His warm breath caressed her cheeks, sending shivers down her spine. “I’ve made a decision.”
He shoved both hands in his pockets and gave a solemn nod. “Okay.”
“I know we agreed on a fling, and we ended this because I wanted more than you could give me—” His mouth opened, but Steph shook her head and touched her index finger to his lips. “Please. Let me finish, or I’ll never get it out.”
Gabe closed his mouth and nodded.
She drew a deep breath and focused on his warm hazel eyes, let them give her the strength to say the words she needed him to hear. She’d given tougher suppositions in court. She could tell this man she loved him.
“I’ve spent the last week lying alone in bed at night, staring at my ceiling. The truth is, there’s only man I want to spend my time with. I know there are things you can’t give me right now, and hell.” She dropped her gaze to her bare feet, staring at her bright red nail polish. She only prayed her words made sense to him. “You might not even want this, but you’re here, and I have to at least say the words.”
He stared at her for a long, unnerving moment, then hooked two fingers beneath her chin and tipped her gaze to his. “For the love of my sanity, Steph, say the words.”
A riotous mass of butterflies did a triple looper in her stomach. Here went nothing. “I can’t just let you walk out of my life again.”
Gabe slid his hands into her hair, thumbs stroking her cheeks. “Say the words.”
She rolled her eyes, because if she didn’t at least try for humor, she’d cry. He was here, his gaze locked on hers. Not one man, not even Alec, had ever looked at her the way Gabe was looking at her right now. Like his life depended on every syllable she was about to utter.
That was all the confirmation she needed. She swallowed past the rising lump in her throat and set free the words she’d been holding back for too long. “I love you, and—”
Gabe covered her mouth with his, cutting off the rest of her statement. His lips all but bruised hers with the ferocity of his kiss. Steph did the only thing she could—she slid her hands up his back and lifted onto her toes to get more of him.
When he finally came up for air, they were both breathless. His chest heaved. Her heart pounded hard enough to escape through her rib cage. God, the man could kiss.
Gabe dropped his forehead to hers. “I came to a decision myself this week.”
Still trying to catch her breath, she nodded, her forehead rocking against his. “And what’s that?”
“I’m in love with you.” He paused, as if waiting for a reaction. When she couldn’t do much more than stare and process, one corner of his mouth quirked upward. “In case you missed that, I’ll say it again. I’m in love with you.”
He bent his head again, kissing her softly once, twice, then released her face and hooked her around the waist. Those big arms banded around her back, crushing her to him so hard her insane giggle came out as more of a squeak. Then he bent and buried his face in the fall of her hair. His voice came as a muffled, husky rumble from the vicinity of her neck.
“I hadn’t planned on loving Julia, but I did, so her death was…hard, and I shut myself down. Oh, I got up every day. I went through the motions. Because I’m a parent with a ten-year-old daughter who needed her father to be strong.” He pulled back enough to look at her, his gaze darting over her face as his hand stroked her head. “Being with you again? It’s the most alive I’ve felt in three years. I can’t let you go, either. Not being with you has been driving me crazy.”
His face blurred before her as she stroked her hands over his chest, over the warm hills and valleys of muscle. She had no idea how they’d even ended up here. It had to be a miracle for sure. Or maybe that fate Gabe had talked about a couple weeks ago. Whatever it was, she was damn grateful for it. “Come to that conclusion all by yourself, did you?”
“Not entirely.” He rolled his eyes. “You have Molly to thank for some of it.”
Her mind did an about-face. Steph furrowed her brow. “Molly?”
“I wanted to let you go, to let you live your life, but doing it was harder than I expected. Apparently, Molly noticed. Her husband Leo’s out of town on business, so Char invited her and the girls over for dinner tonight. We were doing the dishes when she demanded to know why my face was hanging on the floor. The only thing I could tell her was I missed you. She stared at me for a minute, then laughed and punched me in the shoulder and said, ‘Then what the hell are you still standing here with me for? Go get her, you fool.’ I realized she was right. That I couldn’t just let you go again without a fight.” He hitched a shoulder, a soft flush creeping into his cheeks. “I wasn’t even sure you’d want to see me.”
“I wanted to see you.” She slid her hands up his back, gathering him closer. Long moments passed as they stood that way, holding each other in the aftermath of what felt like a huge decision. Gabe’s big hands caressed her body, sliding over her back, over the curve of her ass. Finally, unable to stand it, she laid her head on his chest. “So what now?”
His quiet laughter rumbled through his chest. “I haven’t the foggiest damn idea. I hadn’t really thought much beyond this point.” He pulled back enough to look into her face and sipped at her mouth. His gaze followed for a moment as he tucked away a lock of her hair, his fingers gliding along the outside of her ear. “We’re going to have to take this slow. I need to give Char time to adjust to your place in my life. I want to give her the space to deal with this on her terms. I won’t let her be rude to you, but…”
Steph nodded, dr
opping her gaze to his chest. “I understand. I hated the women my father dated after Mom died. She’ll need time to get to know me and learn to trust me, to learn that I don’t plan to be something temporary in your lives.”
“You’re not, you know. It’s what I decided on the way over. That I wanted you in my life however I could get you.” He dropped his forehead to hers, whispering between them, “I made the mistake of letting you go once. I’m not doing it again.”
“Then we’ll take this one step at a time.”
“One step at a time.” He leaned his head beside her ear, his warm mouth closing over the sensitive lobe. “You know, I have tonight free.”
A hot little shiver shot down her spine. “Does that mean you can stay?”
His tongue traveled down the side of her neck this time. “Mm-hm. Which means I have the entire night to make up for letting you leave. Do you know what I want the most?”
“What’s that?” Her breathing hitched.
“I want your breasts crushed against my chest, your legs wrapped around my hips…” He closed his fingers around the globes of her ass and rocked his hips into hers. His thickening erection pushed into her lower belly, lighting that sweet fire. “And my cock buried inside of you. This body’s now mine, and I want to stake my claim on it.”
She couldn’t contain her quiet, half-giddy laugh. “You are such a caveman.”
He chuckled and nipped at her bottom lip. “Yes, but I’m your caveman.”
These words caught her in the chest. She reached up to stroke his stubbled cheek, her heart lighter than it had been in a while. “Yes. Yes, you are.”
See the next page for a preview of
A SEAL’s Honor, the next book in
JM Stewart’s sexy Military Match series.
Chapter One
Of all the places he’d expected to find himself on the Fourth of July, a singles masquerade ball at the Four Seasons Hotel wasn’t one of them.