Tish Marches On

by Mary Roberts Rinehart

  Before he left he warned us.

  “If anybody comes along,” he said, “just flatten yourselves against the wall and keep quiet.”

  Babe made another pass at him with her trunk as he went out, and I saw him stop and hesitate outside. Then he went on, and we were alone. Alone that is save for the elephant, who had now finished my hat and was squealing and still apparently nervous. But Tish was not anxious. Already a mouse had entered the lower portion of the trap, and as she said, it was only a matter of time until, finding itself closed in, it would climb to the top, trip the plank and drop into the reservoir.

  But Aggie in the meantime had discovered something, and was staring at me with a pale face.

  “Lizzie!” she said. “Isn’t Babe a lady?”

  I had no time whatever to reply. There was the blinding light of Mr. Jones’s flash, and then a man’s voice shouting angrily.

  “Here, stop that!” he yelled. “What the hell do you mean?”

  This was immediately followed by the sounds of two men in a struggle and a loud startled trumpeting by Babe. I fancied, too, that I heard a faint squeal from Aggie and that Tish in a low voice was telling us to keep still. But my eyes were on the passage beyond the bars where Mr. Jones, looking slightly dazed, was being marched off by an irate keeper who was apparently also kicking the camera in front of him.

  When I turned, what a sight met my eyes! Our poor Aggie was completely encircled by the elephant’s trunk and was being held high in the air. What is more, a door had clanged shut in the distance and we were now alone in our dreadful situation.

  It was as usual Tish who recovered first, and her immediate thought was for our unfortunate companion.

  “Are you all right, Aggie?” she asked anxiously.

  What a comfort to hear her voice in reply, feeble as it was.

  “Do,” she said.

  I draw a veil over what followed: our vain attempts to coax Babe to let her down, or even to allow us to approach her; the roars and trumpetings all through the building, so that our calls for help were unheard; even my own frantic excursion into the passage, lined with cages on both sides, to find that we were securely locked in; and my return to find that Babe had placed Aggie on the top of her head and was swinging her trunk to keep us at a distance.

  It was indeed a most unhappy experience, and it was Tish who brought her practical mind to the problem.

  “It is evident,” she said, “that we must placate her in some way. I am sorry to blame anybody, but Mr. Jones’s use of the flash for a photograph has upset her badly. If we had some peanuts, for instance—”

  “Peaduts!” said Aggie in a dreadful voice. “Get a gud ad kill her.”

  Here she sneezed violently, and the elephant swung its trunk up again and trumpeted in a most threatening manner.

  As I have said, it is easy now to see the simple and yet inevitable sequence of events. What could Tish do but what she did do? And this at the very moment of her triumph, with the mouse in the trap and practically ours. It was for this and no other reason that she broke into the peanut stand near by and was arrested while so doing. She had already placed the money for the broken glass on the counter, and also for the half dozen packages of peanuts in her possession, when the park policeman discovered her.

  It is unfortunate that he refused to listen to her explanation, and should be a lesson to the police in general. For she had carried the mousetrap with her, and when she tried to explain it, and that Aggie was in the clutches of the elephant, he simply did not believe her.

  “All right,” he said. “All right. Just take it easy, sister. You can tell that to the doctors.”

  “To what doctors?”

  “Where you’re going,” he said, and telephoned for an ambulance.

  It was in vain that she protested. She was obliged to stand by, securely held, while he telephoned that he had caught a woman in the Zoo who was stealing peanuts to feed to a mouse to feed to the elephant. What is more, he took the trap from her and threw it away!

  By that time she was desperate, and I believe that he had to call for help. It seems unfortunate that it was Officer O’Brien who first arrived, and that he was about to manacle her brutally when he saw the peanuts and stood back.

  “My Gawd!” he said, almost with reverence. “What an appetite!”

  He soon recovered and stated that she had tried twice that night to kill him, and that his nose was broken and would never be the same again. In the end I believe it required three men to get her into the ambulance, thence to be taken to the psychopathic ward of the hospital and tied to a bed. As I have said, she had been on the board there for many years, but no one recognized her; and when she spoke of Aggie’s dire situation they merely gave her a sedative. …

  Needless to say, neither Aggie nor I knew anything of this at the time. We were occupied with our own problem, and I for one cannot put on paper my sentiments as the time passed and Tish did not return. The elephant showed no signs of relenting, and the sight of Aggie’s desperate face high above was more than I could bear.

  In the end I decided to follow Tish and see what had happened, although Aggie protested wildly.

  “Don’t be foolish,” I told her. “Mr. Jones said she was playful. She’s playing now. That’s all it is.”

  “Just good clead fud!” said Aggie. “Well, let her play with you for a while. I’be fed up. I’d rather have a bouse, ady bidute.”

  Here she sneezed once more, and the elephant simply coiled its trunk around her and raised her into the air. I waited only long enough to see her safe on its head again and then hastened outside to the fence. I needed help, and most of all I needed Tish. Behind me I could hear Aggie’s plaintive calls, but I dared not stop. However, misfortune pursued us all that dreadful night; for I had climbed the fence with some difficulty and had just reached the ground when a man caught hold of me, and I recognized the watchman we had seen before. Never have I felt such relief, and never have I been so shocked as when he shook me violently.

  “So that’s the game, is it?” he said. “I’ll teach the lot of you. By God, if you reporters won’t even let the animals sleep—!”

  “Listen,” I said in a frantic voice. “I’m not a reporter. We came to catch a mouse, that’s all. A live mouse. And Aggie—”

  “What did you want a mouse for?” he asked, staring at me.

  “To stuff,” I said. “To hang on a wall. To—”

  It is incredible, but after that he would not even listen to me! I told him about Aggie, and my fears for Tish, but he only held on to me and shook his head.

  “You just come with me, nice and quiet,” he said. “You come along and we’ll find a mouse for you; a nice quiet mouse to hang on the wall.”

  He took me into an office somewhere, and all the night people at the Zoo came and looked at me. They even pretended to believe my story, but I could see that they did not, and when in a frenzy I tried to escape and get back to Aggie they locked me in.

  V

  IT WAS BROAD DAYLIGHT when Mr. Jones, with a quite dreadful black eye, came to release me; and it was much later before the entire staff of the Zoo managed to rescue our poor Aggie. And it was then that I learned the truth, that Babe was not Babe at all, but the new elephant, and that it had taken a fancy to Aggie and was most unwilling to let her go.

  Our reunion in that office of the Zoo was touching, and it was not long before we reached Tish’s apartment. It is easy to imagine our horror when we found that she was not there. Instead, a red-eyed Hannah said that Charlie Sands was out searching for her, and there was only Paula, gazing out the window and rather drooping.

  She brightened when she saw us, but stiffened when she caught sight of Mr. Jones, and gave him a dreadful look.

  “Well!” she said. “And where do you come in on this?”

  “I’ve been in on it all night. And if you think it’s been easy, look at me.”

  “I am looking,” she said nastily. “The only thing I see to a
dmire is that eye.”

  “If that’s the way you feel—”

  “That’s exactly the way I feel, Bill Lawrence,” she said coldly.

  Then at last we knew the truth, and the shocking deception that had been practiced on us. But he did not appear at all ashamed. He merely gave Paula a long look.

  “All right,” he said. “All right. Since that’s your state of mind, I know where I can go. And get a job too. A jail’s a darned good place to write, and during the small hours of this morning I did a bit of work. However—”

  He then prepared to depart, but she leaped at him and caught his arm.

  “Write what?” she demanded.

  He pulled some yellow paper from his pocket and glanced at it.

  “It’s called ‘The Mouse,’ he said, “and maybe the Gazette won’t eat it up, photographs and all! It begins as follows—”

  She snatched at the paper, but he held it away from her.

  “Bill!” she said. “You wouldn’t! You wouldn’t spoil everything. You wouldn’t let me down like this, would you?”

  “Wouldn’t I?” he said, with a bitter laugh. “Listen, my girl. You thought it was damned funny when that moose got me in a tree, didn’t you? It was a laugh, wasn’t it? It was a good laugh when I lost my job too.”

  “Bill, I never laughed at that.”

  “Didn’t you?” he said coldly. “Well, laugh this off. I’ve got the story of my life here. To get it I have committed felonious entry, barratry and mayhem, been chased by a new elephant at the Zoo, hit by a fellow with a fist like a ham, and spent two hours in a jail cell. I’m not selling.”

  Well, I must say I was surprised at her: instead of being angry, she went to him and stroked the sleeve of his coat, looking up at him with a little smile.

  “If you’re not selling, Bill, maybe you’re trading,” she said. “I’m sorry, Bill. I’ve missed you.”

  To our amazement he grabbed her and shook her violently. Then he simply put his arms around her and kissed the top of her head.

  “Of course I’m trading, darling,” he said. “What the devil do you think I did it for?”

  I must say they seemed entirely to have forgotten us until Aggie sneezed. They looked a bit sheepish then, but when I told them we had no mouse Paula looked rather vague.

  “Mouse?” she said. “Oh, yes, I’d forgotten. Well, it doesn’t really matter. We can get one somewhere.”

  Aggie went at once to bed, the hay in the elephant cage having greatly increased her hay fever; but I remained on watch in a frenzy of anxiety. The thought of our dear Tish alone somewhere and in trouble was more than I could bear; and when the telephone rang I rushed to it.

  It was only Mr. Beilstein to inquire how the night had gone. When he heard my voice he said, “And did you get a nice little mouse, Miss Lizzie?”

  “We got an elephant,” I said tartly.

  “An elephant? In my cellar?”

  But I hung up. I felt that I could bear no more. …

  It was fully noon before Charlie Sands located Tish. She was in a room at the local hospital in the psychopathic ward, and as I have said, tied to the bed. The doctor in charge took him in and observed that it was a very sad case.

  “You take women of a certain age,” he said, “and you often get a psychosis of this nature. Man becomes the animal in pursuit, in this case an elephant, and—”

  Charlie Sands pushed him aside and confronted Tish, who merely closed her eyes.

  “What does this mean?” was his opening speech, in a stern voice. “Open your eyes and look at me. What about an elephant?”

  “Aggie’s on it,” she said. “I’ve told them that but they won’t believe me.”

  “You see,” said the doctor. “She’s been saying that ever since she was brought here. Trying to escape too, so she had to be restrained.”

  But Charlie Sands was not listening. He got a chair and sat down by the bed, and I believe he asked for a glass of water.

  “All right,” he said. “Aggie’s on an elephant somewhere, but you’re here. Why? And how?”

  “I was merely trying to get some peanuts. That’s all.”

  “What for?”

  And then Tish became her old self.

  “Don’t be a fool,” she said sharply. “For the elephant, of course.”

  He looked so strange that a nurse brought him some aromatic ammonia. He waved it away, however, as Tish spoke again.

  “I had just captured a good mouse,” she said, “but the policeman threw it away.”

  “A mouse!” said the doctor. “Now that’s new. She has mentioned a fire hydrant—symbolic, of course—and, curiously enough, a baked ham. But a mouse—that’s strange.”

  “You don’t know her,” said Charlie Sands bitterly. “It’s not strange. It’s quite normal. Ask her for a steel rivet and she’d go after the Brooklyn Bridge.” He then stood up and gazed down at Tish. “I have a theory,” he said, “that if I could leave you here life would be a long, sweet song. Dull perhaps, but quiet. However—” He drew a long breath. “You’d better tell me where this elephant is. Aggie may be tired of it.” …

  It was some hours later that our dear Tish returned home, and it was only after Charlie Sands had had a glass or two of our blackberry cordial that he at last heard the full story of the night.

  “I see,” he said finally. “Of course, it is all quite easy, once you understand. Merely theft, assault and battery, destruction of property, attacking a policeman, and so on.” He then poured himself another glass of the cordial and finally grinned.

  “It must have been quite a night for Bill,” he said. “Well, he’s a stronger man than I am.”

  He seemed relieved when he heard that Paula had got the story and burned it. But he shook his head.

  “That’s love,” he said, “and heaven defend me from it.”

  It was then that Hannah came in, holding a Mason jar, and there was a live mouse in it! She had found it in the pantry that morning.

  I believe that they had the head mounted later on, and that Bill Lawrence, who had been reinstated, made the presentation speech. I believe also that the old man, as they call the managing editor, took the hint and even smiled, and that the mouse hangs in his office today. But only yesterday Tish, coming home from the market, dropped her basket and food of all sorts rolled over the pavement.

  She was picking up what she could when Officer O’Brien came by. He stopped and gave her a hard look.

  “I see you’ve had a good day,” he said, and walked on.

  TISH GOES TO JAIL

  I

  ONLY THE OTHER DAY, while our poor Aggie was still recovering from the shock of our recent night high above the city, I read the story of a man somewhere in the country who passed a red lantern and, running plump into a circus which was on the move, actually ended with an enormous and indignant elephant sitting on the radiator of his car. As our introduction to the terrible affair which landed both Tish Carberry and me in jail bears some resemblance to this incident, I at once determined to make a record of what actually occurred.

  To know all is to forgive all, and I must say that the press has been very unkind, especially to Tish. She was actuated throughout only by the highest principles, and even while stoically sitting in that dreadful cell she was calm and self-contained.

  “I don’t even know what you are talking about,” she said to Charlie Sands. “If I have tried to help a pair of young lovers, that is entirely my affair. I have committed no felony.”

  “Maybe not in this state,” he said coldly, “but in some parts of this great and glorious Union shooting at a sheriff and then filling him full of splinters is not regarded with any favor.”

  “He slipped,” said Tish calmly.

  “He says you pushed him,” Charlie Sands retorted. “I’ve been in to see him, and he has two constables and a deputy working over him with tweezers.”

  He then looked at me and accused me of shooting a state trooper—which, as ever
yone now knows, was purely accidental, the man being out of the hospital the next day. And only then did he notice Aggie’s absence and demand to know where she was.

  “So far as I know,” said Tish with her usual dignity, “she is still in the top of the tree.”

  “The tree?” he said, looking astonished. “What tree? What do you mean, a tree?”

  “A tree in the mountains,” Tish explained patiently. “We had to leave her there.”

  I must say he looked bewildered at that.

  “I see,” he said. “You left her in a tree. But what was she doing in a tree? Building a nest?”

  We explained then, but when he finally left us it was with a strange look on his face; and we heard later that he sat down somewhere outside for a lengthy period, appearing rather dazed.

  However, that is the end of the story, and I must relate the events which led up to it.

  It was early autumn when both Aggie and I noticed that Tish was growing restless, and one day while we were there the evening paper came, and she merely crumpled it into a ball and threw it into the wastebasket.

  “I am not a nervous woman,” she said, “but when all the news I read is bad it is time to call a halt. Not only is crime rampant in the land, but there is even a possibility that the Communists will drive us into a state of revolution. In that case, where will we be?”

  “I know where I will be,” I said firmly. “I’ll be in the front row of the mob, waving the red flag and singing Russian songs with the best of them. If you think I’m going to lay my head on any guillotine, you can think again.”

  I am afraid that this displeased her, for she was silent for some time; and when at last she spoke, it was to say that there was but one refuge from both revolution and crime, and that was some quiet spot in the country.

  “What we need,” she said, “is a small farm, capable of supporting us all in case of necessity, and in the interval providing peace and contentment. A subsistence homestead, to use the words of our present Administration. That is all I ask during these turbulent days—subsistence and to be at peace.”