"Jocelyn," I said, opening my eyes, which landed unerringly on her sweet, sweet mouth. It wasn't smiling now.
"Uh-oh," she replied, her tone teasing even if her face didn't show it. "The only time you use my full name is when I'm in trouble."
I pressed my hand over hers on my face, mainly because I didn't want her to pull away. Not yet.
I'd chased a lot of things in my life, but without a doubt, she was the most important. The thing I wanted more than any of the other things I could've possibly achieved. How did I tell her that in a way that didn't sound completely terrifying?
"You're not in trouble," I promised.
Those lips curled up slightly. "Okay."
Risking the chance, because she was close and the mood felt right, I pulled her palm off my face and brought it to my mouth and pressed a kiss against her warm skin.
She sucked in a surprised breath when my lips lingered just slightly. Her fingers curled up in reaction, but she didn't yank her hand from my grasp.
Her skin was salty from the heat, warm from the sun, and against my mouth, it felt like perfection. Slowly, she pulled it back when I was done.
We froze there, her and I, waiting for the other person to make the next move.
Then Joss blinked.
Moment over. I had to fight not to blow out a harsh puff of air as she glided backward into the water.
"I'm getting a little hungry," she said as she reached the edge of the pool. "Any snacks in that bag of yours?"
"Uh, yeah." I swiped a hand over my face. "There are some chips at the bottom. And those gas station brownies that you pretend to hate but really love."
Her responding groan of happiness had me chuckling.
"You're the best," she told me, grinning over her shoulder before she hoisted herself out of the pool.
Normally, I loved it when she said that.
So why did it suddenly feel like it wasn't enough?
Because you can never go back, the insidious thought whispered in the back of my head. I hated that voice. But I knew it wasn't wrong, and that was the scariest part of all.
Chapter 13
Jocelyn
"You imagined things."
If any voices lived in my head, they were not answering me. Nobody to tell me that, in the pool, I'd almost kissed my best friend.
"It was all in your head, Jocelyn," I tried again.
Nero raised his head from his massive paws and tilted it to the side. His ears, standing like sentinels on either side of his head, twitched restlessly when I groaned. My torture was enough that he stood from where he lay next to my chair and stretched his back, raising his rump into the air.
Absently, I ran my hand along his sleek back when he set his muzzle on my lap.
"Can't you tell me that I imagined things?" I asked him.
Nero whined, pushing his face into my hand when I scratched the top of his snout.
"No, I know you can't."
We were out on the deck in my backyard where I was supposed to be throwing the ball to him. It was cooler today, a sweet breeze coming off the mountains and dropping the temps to something more manageable.
Yesterday hadn't been manageable. It had been hot.
Too hot, I thought miserably, then dropped my head into my hand.
Since when did I spend a quiet ride with Levi, rinse off in the shower, then lay on my bed dissecting every single frame, like I was threading film through an old-school camera?
I saw it all, each little picture building up to me watching him swim, approaching him in the pool because something about his actions didn't look like him.
It was this alternate version of my smiling friend, the one who floated (no pun intended) through life with annoying ease. There had been an edge to him, something sharp and new, but not unpleasant.
When I hit the part where my hand cupped his face, then I became the one on edge. The one who noticed the hard line of his jaw. The fact that his lower lip was fuller than his top lip. That his lashes, wet and spiky, were tipped in gold. The line that bisected his ab muscles into tiny, tight squares underneath his skin. The line of hair that disappeared underneath the water.
That Joss, the one who laid in her bed thinking about it, was twitchy and restless. Unfulfilled. Left wanting something that I wasn't sure I could think too deeply about. Not yet.
"Nero," I said, smiling when he lifted his head and stared at me. "I think I'm going crazy."
He shook his head, snuffing out air, which made me laugh.
"It's the only explanation," I continued. "It was probably stupid to think that I could be friends with someone who looks like Levi and not imagine him naked at some point. Which I'm not doing," I rushed. "Or … I don't know."
My dog, who was completely used to hearing me ramble as all good dogs are accustomed to from their owners, sat patiently and kept those golden eyes trained on me.
"It's probably just repressed sexual tension. Not like, between him and I, per se." I tapped my hand on my armrest as I tugged on the most convenient thread currently unraveling in my brain. "But in me, you know? Like my faucet was broken, and no water was coming out of the pipes. But boom, you put in a new valve, and all of a sudden, you've got a flooded bathroom."
I grimaced because it wasn't the most flattering view of myself. But it felt true. Or it felt better than any line of thinking that had me wanting to feel up Levi, of all people. That would be most inconvenient.
When Harry Met Sally … but on two wheels.
He'd have to calmly explain to me that men and women could never truly be friends because the desire to sleep with the other person would always undermine the relationship. And if I ever lost him …
The thought, just allowing a moment of contemplating it, had my rib cage squeezing too tight and my heart thudding uncomfortably.
No, even that was too mild. It almost doubled me over in stomach gripping, cold sweat inducing, clammy hand fear.
"What I need is another outlet."
Nero tilted his head.
"You get what I'm saying." In my lap, his tennis ball sat between my legs, so I picked it up and tossed it up into the air to get his attention. Scampering to his feet, he turned in a few excited circles. I pulled my arm back and heaved it across the grass.
As he sprinted across the yard, I knew that was the answer. It didn't matter who was throwing the ball to him, Nero would get his energy out, that first important burst to calm pent-up energy churning through his big body.
And considering that was what started this mess, seeing Brad/Chris/Cupcake Guy/Andrew, I knew I had to circle back around to him.
"It's his fault, anyway," I told Nero when he dropped the slobbery ball in my lap. "Isn't it, my big boy?"
He barked, and I grinned, throwing the ball for him again.
I glanced at my watch. I had to be at PT in an hour, then go from there to a shift at the bakery.
One more toss to Nero, and I then went inside to touch up my makeup and change into clothes that would be appropriate for therapy and a few hours at work. As I was leaning over to tie the laces on my white Adidas, I caught a glimpse of Connor and Sylvia's wedding invitation.
I set it back on the top of my dresser and stared in the mirror.
For as different as I felt on the inside, it was strange that it didn't reflect anywhere else. Shouldn't there be a sign above my head?
Beware of the twenty-one-year-old virgin with repressed sexual feelings.
Explosion imminent. Touch with extreme caution.
May spontaneously combust with prolonged eye contact and cupcake purchasing and/or casual swimming sessions.
"You are pathetic," I told myself, backing my chair up before I could fall down the rabbit hole of why this was happening now.
But I wasn't pathetic. That was the decision I came to as I drove out to Maryville.
Lots of people waited to have sex. Twenty-one was a perfectly respectable age for one to maintain their V-card. And it wasn't like I didn't have
good reasons.
1- I lived in a small town.
2- Most people watched me wheel by and probably assumed that I had to pee in a bag, let alone have perfectly functioning lady parts.
They functioned, okay? They functioned just fine. I'd explored on my own, so I knew that everything … worked, so to speak.
I pulled into the parking spot at PT and tried desperately not to think about last night, and how when lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, my hand had slid slowly down my stomach, under the edge of my sleep shorts, where I toyed with the lace band of my underwear.
It stayed there for just a second or two, but the moment that my eyes closed, and I saw drips of pool water sliding down a golden-skinned chest, I snatched it out of my shorts and turned on my side, giving my pillow a good punch or two before attempting to sleep.
I was definitely not pathetic as I went inside and watched Andrew finish up with a client. He winked at me, and I forced myself to dissect his appearance in the same way I'd dissected Levi's.
Long legs, broad shoulders, really good freaking hair. Handsome smile, bright eyes, and a straight, proud nose.
He didn't move with the same grace as Levi. And without Levi's dimple, the smile wasn't quite as potent.
Levi's hair was lighter, longer, and it curled up at the edges. Plus, Andrew's jaw was clean-shaven, but Levi was always in need of a razor.
"Oh shit," I said out loud, slapping a hand against my forehead. "Get out of my head, you ass."
Andrew's head popped up, and the hunched over little old lady he was helping glared at me.
"Not you," I explained weakly. "Sorry."
He was smiling as he finished up with her, and by the time he walked over to me, I was one giant ball of mortification.
My cheeks probably looked like someone had shoved a red traffic light under my skin.
"Hi." I smiled a little, except it felt like a grimace.
Andrew set his hands on his narrow hips, which I would not be comparing to Levi's, and grinned down at me.
"Rough day already?" He glanced at the clock on the wall. "It's not even noon."
I exhaled heavily. "Let's not talk about it."
He shrugged. "No problem. You ready to work today?"
"I better not be on that stupid ramp again."
As he laughed, sparkling white teeth showing behind his lips, I made a decision.
No more comparison. Because that inferred that one was better than the other, or that there was a right or wrong choice.
I was a very not-pathetic twenty-one-year-old virgin with sexual needs and a decent rack. So what if I got around on two wheels instead of two legs?
"Would you like to come to a wedding with me?" I blurted out.
Andrew's head came back in surprise, and he breathed out a laugh, rubbing at the back of his neck as he took a seat in one of the chairs by me.
Well, he didn't immediately say no. That was good. But he wasn't exactly tripping over his acceptance either.
He sat forward, hanging his hands between his legs as he regarded me. "Whose wedding is it?"
"Oh, umm, my best friend's older brother. I've known the bride and groom for like, five years, so I guess they're my friends too now since I've known them for just as long as I've known Levi."
Okay, rambling rambler, zip it. I rolled my lips between my teeth and waited while he tried to smother a smile.
But in his eyes, I saw his answer because they were disappointed. There was regret there. If I thought my cheeks were hot before, that was nothing compared to how they felt now.
"I wish I could," he said gently.
"Right. There's probably some client/therapist rule you can't break. Next thing you know, you'd be burning the ramp at my request, and I'm sure they can't have that happen."
OMG shut up, Joss, I thought furiously.
"There's no rule set in stone about that," Andrew said, smiling again. I hope that wasn't supposed to make me feel better, because knowing there wasn't a rule meant that it was me. It was all me. I trained my eyes on my lap and fought valiantly against the tidal wave of embarrassment. But he kept talking. "Honestly, if you'd asked me that day when I first met you in the bakery, I would've said yes in a heartbeat."
My eyes lifted. "You would've?"
"Yeah." He shrugged one shoulder. "I don't buy cupcakes for just everyone, you know."
I nodded slowly. "But …"
Andrew breathed out heavily. "I did set aside what I thought about you when I found out you were my client because even though there's no rule, I do think it makes things trickier once you cross that line. And this is a new job for me."
I waved a hand at him. "Yeah, no worries. I totally get it."
"That's not why I'm saying no, though," he interjected.
"It was my crawling technique last week, wasn't it?"
Andrew chuckled. "No. I, umm, I started dating someone recently. And I like her. I think she'd have a hard time understanding why I'm going to a wedding with a funny, beautiful woman when I just asked her to be my girlfriend."
"Oh," I whispered. My face was hot now for a different reason. Fiery inferno hot. It was amazing how you could be a fairly confident person, live a life like I did, being the center of attention for something out of my control, and get ridiculously flustered when someone told you that you were a funny, beautiful woman. "I'm glad you're saying no," I told him.
"You are?"
I nodded. "Because that means you're a good guy. I'd hate to realize that my asshole radar was broken."
He was still laughing as he stood. "Any man you go with will be lucky, Joss. I hope you ask someone else."
"Ha. My list of options is pretty epically long."
Andrew adopted a mock-hurt expression. "So I'm not special? Ouch."
"I'll tell you anything you want to hear as long as I don't have to do the same thing as last week."
He nudged my shoulder as he headed back by the equipment. "Come on. We'll see how far your flattery gets you."
Before I turned my chair and followed him, I closed my eyes and fought against the feeling that I never should have asked. I should've left this stone unturned because now I knew I was simply too late for Andrew to be an outlet for whatever crazy bullshit was making me feel like this.
There was literally no one else who even remotely held my interest.
No one else—the voice I'd been waiting to hear argue with me all damn day whispered—except Levi.
Chapter 14
Jocelyn
Thwack.
"Stupid men."
Thwack. Roll. Roll. Turn.
Thwack. Thwack.
My hand gripped the handles of the rolling pin so tightly, I wouldn't have been shocked if my bones burst through the skin.
"Stupid men who flirt and make you think things and go crazy and then start dating someone else."
Thwack. Thwack.
"Stupid men who help you work out and make you smoothies and look hot when you're swimming."
"Joss?" Joy asked cautiously.
I gave the dough one more unnecessary hit before I turned to her. "Yeah?"
Her wide eyes took in my face, which was actually sweating a bit from the mini-therapy session.
"Let's just … back away from the bread dough, okay?"
"Right." I looked down at it, beat the hell up and rolled way too thin.
"Are you … are you okay?" Her already big eyes took up about half her face as she watched me carefully set down the offending pin.
What a bitch I was, I thought glumly. I'd been at work for over an hour, and I hadn't spoken two words to anyone, heading straight back to the kitchen to work on bread and mini berry pastries for the case. Jennifer had given me a concerned look when she caught sight of my face but wisely gave me space. Her eyes, man, they freaked me out. Joy had tried to talk to me. Tried. I'd been about receptive as a concrete wall.
No wonder Levi called me Sonic. When my prickles were up, they were up, and God help anyone who t
ried to approach.
So even though I didn't want to answer Joy's question about whether I was okay, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
"I asked someone out today. And he said no."
"Ohhhh," she breathed. "I'm sorry, Joss. He's stupid."
I smiled a little bit. "He's not stupid, just unavailable."
She nodded earnestly. "I understand unrequited love."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." She sighed.
I wiped my hands on my apron and eyed her expression. "So no boyfriend for you?"
She leaned up against the large stainless steel island, facing me. "Nope."
"Me neither."
"No girlfriend, either," she continued. "Not even a dog or a cat."
Nero's dopey face popped into my head. It was nice to have someone to cuddle with at night, even if he got around on four paws and ate his own shit from time to time.
"It's depressing, actually."
I grimaced. "Sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up."
Behind Joy, Jenn's husband Cletus came in, giving me charming, wide smile in greeting. He was a giant grizzly of a man, barrel-chested with a full beard covering his handsome face.
If my sweet co-worker understood unrequited love, it was probably because of this guy. I tried to elbow her, but I missed because I wasn't looking.
Joy was off in her own head, staring straight ahead at the large trays of finished cupcakes. "I really need to replace my vibrator now that I'm thinking about it."
My eyes widened, my mouth fell open, and Cletus froze midstride with a horrified expression on his face.
"I, uhh," he said haltingly, "I'll go now. Just … just trying to find Jenn."
Joy gasped and whirled around, her hand clasping the front of her apron. "Oh Lordamercy, did I say that out loud?"
His bright red face clashed with the shade of his hair, and I had to bite my lips not to burst out laughing. Thankfully, his legs were long because it only took him a few strides to exit the kitchen, a proverbial cloud of dust in his wake.
I dissolved into laughter when the door swung shut, and Joy covered her face with her hands.
"I really said that in front of him, didn't I?"
Baking Me Crazy (Donner Bakery Book 1) Page 12