by Angela Hart
‘What are you looking for?’ I asked. ‘Can I help you, Danielle? Why don’t you sit down and let us help?’
Danielle had her back to Deirdre and me and she was breathing very slowly and deeply and was pointedly ignoring us. The atmosphere was incredibly hostile, and Danielle’s behaviour was starting to frighten me. Deirdre looked very uneasy too. I wished Jonathan would come back, but I knew it could take a while to get through to the emergency doctor, and then he would have to read out all the ingredients of the antiseptic cream so the doctor could tell us whether or not we needed to take Danielle to hospital.
‘WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR? I AM LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO STAB YOU WITH!’ Danielle suddenly shouted, turning round to face me.
Deirdre was on her feet in an instant.
‘Come on, Danielle, let’s go out into the garden and get some fresh air. Angela, you stay there. Now come on, Danielle, I’d like you to take a big, deep breath and come with me . . .’
Thankfully, Danielle allowed Deirdre to steer her out of the room, down the stairs and out to the back garden. I let out a huge sigh of relief as I heard them walk away. What had this placement come to and why was it going so terribly wrong? I wanted Danielle to see how much I cared for her, but it was as if the more I tried, the more she kicked out at me. Now she had threatened to physically attack me. It was unbelievable, and I felt swamped with sadness and despair.
19
‘What is wrong with Danielle?’
Jonathan was horrified when he found out what Danielle had said to me. He gave me a big hug and said we’d better go down to the living room immediately, so we could phone Social Services and catch Nelson while the office was still open.
Before we left Danielle’s bedroom, Jonathan scanned the room for any harmful objects or substances. He had already removed the antiseptic cream, and now he took a pencil sharpener off Danielle’s desk and a bottle of sun cream from her dressing table.
He trod on something as we made our way out of the room.
‘What are these doing here?’ he asked, alarmed.
A pair of my floristry scissors was on the floor, hidden by some sheets of scrap paper.
‘Oh God, I was showing her how to do ribbons earlier,’ I said, feeling shocked. ‘I thought she acted a bit strangely as she left the shop. I shut up in such a rush I didn’t realise they were missing.’
‘OK,’ Jonathan said firmly, recognising the fear in my voice. ‘We mustn’t jump to conclusions. Even though Danielle had the scissors in her room and said what she did, it doesn’t mean she would actually carry out her threat. It’s just an expression of anger, I’m sure.’
‘I hope you’re right, but this is a terrible situation, isn’t it?’
‘It is. Come on, we need to call Nelson.’
Thankfully, the emergency doctor had told Jonathan that Danielle didn’t need to go to hospital, as the amount of cream she might have swallowed would not be enough to cause her any harm. At least that was one less problem we had to deal with. We got hold of Nelson straight away and told him everything. He checked that all was calm and everybody was safe before telling us he would refer up to a senior manager about what to do next.
As soon as we finished the call we heard Deirdre bring Danielle in from the garden and into the kitchen, and so Jonathan and I went down to see them. We found Danielle sitting silently at the table, looking like she was smouldering with anger. Her eyes were full of fury and she was biting her nails aggressively and huffing and puffing. Deirdre was sitting quietly beside her.
I told Deirdre I’d called Nelson, but as soon as I mentioned his name Danielle flew into a rage.
‘You’re a liar! You tell Nelson lies all the time. You hate me; I know you do, Angela. Why did you take me in if you were going to spread lies behind my back?’
I was lost for words and looked to Deirdre for support. She took me to one side and said she had an idea about what we could do next.
‘It’s something that has worked well before. Before I go on, I take it you and Jonathan are both free now?’
‘Yes, it was early closing today. The shop’s shut.’
I had been planning to go to an evening exercise class I had recently taken up, but I had already written it off in my mind. I wasn’t in the mood at all, and I needed to prioritise Danielle. This was a serious situation, and I wanted the best possible outcome, for all of us. We all needed to pull together and do whatever it took to help Danielle get over this and move on.
Deirdre briefly explained her idea to me. I agreed with her suggestion. We ran it past Jonathan, and then Deirdre walked back across the kitchen to speak to Danielle.
‘Danielle, how are you feeling?’
‘How do you THINK I’m feeling, Deirdre?’ Danielle blurted out angrily. ‘I’m wound up, Deirdre. That’s how I’m feeling. And you would feel the same if you were in my shoes, let me tell you!’
‘I can see that you’re wound up, and I have an idea. Why don’t we drive out into the countryside? I think it would be good to get out of the house, and you could let off some steam, in the open air.’
‘I’ve just had fresh air in the garden. What’s the point? What good will that do?’
‘Well, in the countryside you can run around, scream and shout as loudly as you want, and just let out all your anger, out there in the open.’
Danielle shrugged but seemed to soften a little.
‘I’m not a crazy person, you know.’
‘I’m not suggesting you are.’
Deirdre lowered her voice and, in a confidential tone, added, ‘I’ve done this myself on the odd occasion, to tell you the truth. Once, when I’d had a very hard and irritating day at work, I went out on my own and found a quiet spot in the woods and screamed at the trees. I felt so much better afterwards.’
‘You did? Are you serious?’
‘I’m very serious. It helped me no end. I think maybe it could help you too.’
‘I don’t know.’
‘What have you got to lose? If it doesn’t help, it doesn’t help. But I think it could.’
‘Suppose,’ Danielle muttered. ‘I bet Angela’s asked you to get me out of the house, get rid of me. Is that it?’
‘No, this is my idea. And actually I’m going to ask Angela and Jonathan to come along with us.’
‘Why?’
‘I think it’s a good idea.’
‘Right. So, if I do this, does it mean I won’t get thrown out or locked up?’
‘Danielle, the whole point of me making this suggestion is to help you. Angela, Jonathan and I all want to help you. We are not looking for ways to make your life more difficult. We don’t want you thrown out or locked up. We all want to improve your life.’
‘Why?’
‘Because we care.’
‘I bet Angela doesn’t care any more, now she knows I want to stab her, if she ever did care in the first place. She only looks after me for the money, you know. She hates me really. She’s been looking for ways to get rid of me. I know all about it. She’s jealous that I get on better with Jonathan than I do with her, did you know that? That’s the truth. Angela doesn’t care about me ONE BIT.’
Danielle was speaking about me as if I was in another room, even though I was standing quietly on the other side of the kitchen.
‘I know for a fact that none of these things are true,’ Deirdre soothed. ‘Angela cares very deeply about you.’
Deirdre gestured for me to step closer, and gave me a nod. I took my cue, while Danielle glared at me.
‘Sweetheart, I care about you very much. I want to help you. I want you to be happy. As I’ve told you before, I want to help you carve out a good future for yourself, the future you deserve. You’re a lovely girl and I understand you have had difficulties in your life. I don’t judge you or blame you for anything that has happened to you in the past that might make you behave badly now. Honestly, I don’t have to be a foster carer. I work as a foster carer because I want to look after child
ren like you. I choose to do it.’
I paused. Danielle looked thoughtful, and I dared to hope I’d got through to her.
‘Shall we all go for that drive?’ I asked, giving her a smile. ‘I think it’s a good idea, and so does Jonathan.’
‘Oh for God’s sake. I don’t suppose I have much choice!’
Jonathan and I had never used Deirdre’s proposed method of calming a child down before, although we’d heard of similar scenarios through our training. We trusted in Deirdre completely, and we were very glad of her assistance.
Just before leaving I took a phone call from Nelson.
‘Positive news. We’ve got an emergency place in a children’s home. The bosses think that is the best option for Danielle, for the time being. She can’t stay with you after what has happened.’
‘OK,’ I stuttered, feeling shocked and deflated at the speed of developments.
‘So it’s a temporary measure, I take it? How long do you think she will be there? And when will she move in?’
‘It’s going to be tomorrow at the earliest, and hopefully it will be a short-term measure, but we’re not sure.’
Nelson then explained that Danielle would have a medical assessment while she was at the children’s home, and that he needed to fix up a night of respite care for her, this evening. His seniors at Social Services had decided this was the safest course of action, given Danielle’s threat to me.
‘We’d like her to stay at Deirdre’s house tonight if that is possible. Is Deirdre still with you?’
‘Yes, we were just leaving to take Danielle into the countryside to try and let off some steam, so to speak.’ I explained the plan to Nelson and he approved, but only because all three adults were accompanying Danielle.
‘OK. Safety is the priority right now, for everybody. Can I have a word with Deirdre?’ he asked.
I put Deirdre on the phone and she immediately agreed to have Danielle overnight.
‘Yes, I agree and I think it’s the safest option,’ Deirdre said, nodding as she spoke to Nelson. ‘And I’ll take Danielle to the children’s home in the morning. I look forward to hearing more details. Yes, I’ll have another adult with me. No problem.’
Deirdre also confirmed to Nelson that there was no need to take Danielle to A & E, explaining that the very small amount of antiseptic cream she may have imbibed was not toxic.
I felt absolutely terrible as I began to take in the enormity of what was happening. Danielle was moving out, tonight. This seemed like a dreadful failure on mine and Jonathan’s part, but at the same time I had to agree that keeping Danielle with us was not safe in her volatile state, at least not in the short term. I wondered if perhaps she’d have been OK just with Jonathan, but it was irrelevant really: I didn’t trust how she would behave with me and so that was the end of it. I knew I would not be able to sleep if Danielle was still in the house. Any trust I had in her had been called into question and I knew that if she stayed with us I’d be wondering what she might do next, and worrying.
It was terrible to work through these thoughts. I could see that my relationship with Danielle was very broken right now, and although it was the very last thing I wanted to accept, it was starting to dawn on me that her placement was quite possibly damaged beyond repair. Maybe she would never return to us? I shuddered; it was a very alarming possibility.
We all set off in the car. Deirdre sat in the back with Danielle while Jonathan drove and I sat in the passenger seat. As we headed out into the countryside Deirdre explained to Danielle what would happen, that evening and the next day. Deirdre told Danielle she could collect a bag of belongings from our house after our little trip out, and then she would be going to stay the night in her home. The next day Danielle would move straight from Deirdre’s house into the children’s home.
‘For how long?’
‘That, we don’t know, I’m afraid,’ Deirdre said. ‘But don’t worry. I’ll tell you what’s happening as soon as I know anything at all, I promise you that.’
Danielle stayed very quiet at first and then she started muttering away to herself while staring into space, or out of the car window.
‘Nothing goes right. Always goes wrong. Nothing works. Always trouble, Danielle is always in trouble. Why does she do it? Why can’t Danielle behave? Why can’t Danielle be good? Why can’t Danielle be like a good girl? What is wrong with Danielle? Bad girl! Bad girl!’
‘Now come on,’ Deirdre said. ‘Remember what Angela, Jonathan and I have said before? You are not a bad person, but sometimes your behaviour can be bad.’
‘SO IF I’M NOT A BAD PERSON THEN WHY ARE YOU DUMPING ME BACK IN A SHITTY CHILDREN’S HOME? DO YOU WANT ME TO GET BURNT WITH FAGS AGAIN? OH YES, YOU SAY YOU CARE ABOUT ME AND THEN YOU PUT ME IN THERE! YOU’RE AS BAD AS EVERYONE ELSE, DEIRDRE. FAMILY-AID WORKER? MORE LIKE FAMILY DEMOLITION WORKER.’
‘Danielle, it’s not the same children’s home you stayed in last time, and we would not put you in any place where we thought for one moment you would come to any harm or be unhappy.’
Danielle scowled and started sniffing and snorting very loudly. She refused the offer of a tissue to blow her nose and then moments later a foul stink filled the car.
‘Do you need the toilet, Danielle?’ Jonathan asked as he opened all the windows to blast out the terrible smell.
‘Yes I do,’ she said.
‘You do?’ I repeated, turning around in my seat. ‘We’re only two minutes from the country park now. Do you think you can hang on?’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I can hang on.’
When we arrived at the park and Danielle got out of the car I saw a wet patch on the back of her jeans. It was only quite small and I didn’t think it wise to mention it. ‘There’s a toilet over there,’ I pointed. ‘You do still need to go, don’t you?’
‘No,’ she said. ‘I just went, in the car. Sorry.’
The back door of the car was still open and I looked at the seat Danielle had been sitting on. The fabric was soaked, and I silently ticked myself off. When I’d covered Danielle’s chair at home with the absorbent sheet from the nurse, I had considered doing the back seat of the car too but never did. Now I thought how naive it was of me to think I could get away with that. You could never predict what Danielle might do next; what had I been thinking and why didn’t I just cover the seat as a precaution?
‘OK, I can clean that up later,’ I reassured her, hiding my true reaction. ‘Shall we get going?’
Deirdre and Jonathan both gave me a little nod of approval while Danielle gave me a sly, couldn’t-care-less look. I could not remember my patience ever being tested this much and I felt nervous and on edge, wondering how this exercise in the open air was going to turn out. This particular country park stretched for miles and was a labyrinth of cycle trails and running paths. People trained for marathons here because it was so vast, and there were so many different routes you could take and open spaces to explore. It could be perfect, but then again anything might happen.
‘We’ll head to the wooded area, where the picnic tables are,’ Deirdre said. ‘It’s my favourite part.’
‘Mine too,’ Jonathan said.
‘This is weird,’ Danielle said, stamping her feet and folding her arms across her chest. ‘What are we even doing here? I didn’t want to come. This is shit! Everything is shit!’
She kicked a rock on the side of the path and hurt her toe, as she was only wearing a thin pair of canvas shoes.
‘For fuck’s sake!’ she said. ‘I hate my life.’
‘Come on. Let’s get going, and please mind your language,’ Jonathan said. ‘OK, Danielle?’
She practically snorted her disapproval, but thankfully she began to walk with the three of us towards the woods. Jonathan was a couple of steps in front of me, Danielle and Deirdre. I imagined he wanted to get Danielle away from the car park and pathways as quickly as possible while she was in this mood, as that is where we were more likely to see other members of the public.
Clearly, this whole exercise would work better if Danielle could let off steam freely and in private, and Jonathan was quickening his pace.
‘Danielle, when we’re in the woods you can scream to your heart’s content,’ Deirdre said. ‘Let it all out. It can really help.’
Danielle started marching and breathing heavily, and it seemed like the atmosphere was getting more and more tense with every breath and step we took. Then Danielle began criss-crossing in front of Deirdre and me.
‘Careful!’ Deirdre said, side-stepping Danielle as nimbly as she could.
Next, Danielle walked in front of me and then suddenly slowed right down. I stood on the back of her heel by accident: it would have been impossible not to collide with her in some way as it seemed she had deliberately blocked my path and given me no room at all.
‘DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!’ Danielle said, turning round and pointing her finger at me aggressively. Her shoe had come loose and she cursed as she put it back on.
‘Please walk alongside me, not in front of me,’ I said.
‘Don’t worry, I will,’ she said. ‘That’s what HE used to do.’
‘He?’
‘You heard me, that’s what HE used to do.’
‘He did?’
‘Stop quizzing me, Angela! Can’t you leave me in peace and quiet for one minute, for pity’s sake?’
Danielle balled one hand into a fist and punched it into the palm of her other hand as we continued along the woodland path.
‘Can you still go to judo when you are an orphan, living in the children’s home?’ she asked, looking straight ahead and seemingly talking into the space in front of her. ‘Of course you can’t! You won’t get nothing, Danielle. You’re a loser. Lock me up in a children’s home and throw away the key. That’s all you’re good for, Danielle. Or live in a shed, with the mice.’