by Harper Bliss
“I don’t really want to talk about this,” I say as soon as Joe saunters off. “I need to think about it some more first.”
“I assume y’all are talking about the big proposal?” Patty inquires.
Of all the ways I had expected my day—a really ordinary day, at that—to go when I woke up this morning. Me sitting here with Patty and Nina feels more like a hallucination. Almost like a bad dream, but not quite, because this is Kay we’re talking about, a woman who has been nothing but good for me. Is this what I’m supposed to do to reward her, to pay her back for everything she has done for me? Let go of my principles, and my well-founded reasons for not wanting to get married, just to make her happy? Isn’t that what marriage is supposed to be all about: compromise, good times and bad, sharing the burden that life can be sometimes? Because I know very well that life isn’t always a picnic, and I also know that a woman like Kay is not someone you meet every day. Should this be my ultimate gift to her?
“Ellie.” Nina juts me hard in the shoulder.
“This is between Kay and me,” I say. I turn to Nina. “This is really none of your business.”
Talking about it will nearly always make it better, will make it easier to unravel the mess in your head. I suddenly hear Dr. Hakim’s soothing voice in my head. Apart from Kay, Nina and Patty are the two people I’m closest to in this town. If I’m going to address this issue with anyone, it can only be with them.
“The hell it’s not,” Nina says. “I’m your sister. I need to know if I’m going to be a bridesmaid soon.” She draws up her eyebrows.
“Don’t you have a class tonight?” I ask.
“Only at six, little sis. We have two hours to talk about this.”
Joe brings over our drinks and we clink the rims of our wine glasses together despite the fact that there’s really nothing to celebrate.
“I don’t mean to pry, Ella. But what’s the problem exactly?” Patty asks.
This is my therapy now, I think. Explaining my innermost feelings to Nina and Patty in a bar. “The problem is that I don’t want to get married.” It really is as simple as that.
“Okay.” Patty sucks her right cheek into her mouth as she looks at me. “And do you have a specific reason for that?”
It would have been easier to have two separate conversations about this, because now, while I try to reply to Patty’s question, I feel Nina’s eyes burning on my skin, and it makes me feel uncomfortable and inhibited. “Yes. I do. My, er, I mean, our parents’ marriage is basically a big joke. They were never really happy, but that damned piece of paper kept them together all these years, to our detriment, although they claim they stayed together for us rather than turning us into children of divorced parents.” I should not be having this conversation anymore, I think. I have put this behind me. Why drag all this up?
“But they’re still married?” Patty inquires. “After all these years, they still choose each other?”
“Well I wouldn’t say choose is the right word for it. It feels more like they’re stuck with each other. That they’ve settled for each other.”
Nina is awfully quiet next to me.
“While that may very well be the case, Ella, you are not your parents. You’re an entirely different person. Trust me, I speak—” Patty is interrupted by the door swinging open. I’m sitting facing the exit and, as always, my heart swoops when I see Kay. Whether she wants to marry me or not. Whether we have a million issues to hash out or none. Whether we’ve had a fight or not. When I see Kay, I feel it everywhere and the effect she has on me is instantaneous and unmistakable.
“Hey.” I rise to hug her.
“Impromptu party?” Kay asks. “Why wasn’t I invited?” Her lips are curled into a smile.
“Because we’re talking about you, of course, Brody,” Nina says with her usual tact.
“Oh, well then, please don’t mind me. I’ll be sitting at the bar with my ears burning,” she jokes, while nodding at Patty.
“Please, join us.” Patty scoots over on the bench.
Kay raises her index finger to let Joe know she’ll be having a beer and sits down opposite me. Whatever will we talk about now? I was interested in hearing Patty’s further arguments, but we can’t possibly continue our conversation.
“All we need now is for Dad to walk in,” Nina says.
I glance at Kay, ignoring Nina’s comment, to see if I can find any signs of distress on her face. But this is Kay I’m sitting across from and, if my refusal to give her a jubilant positive reply this morning is hurting her, she would never let it show in the company of others. She gives me a crooked smile that makes me melt a little.
“I can easily guess what you were discussing before I walked in.” Kay eyes Nina intently while she says this. “But this is between Ella and me.”
That shuts Nina up. Another one of Kay’s superpowers: silencing my sister with a few well-chosen words.
Her dark eyes land on me again and, then, I can see it. It’s surely imperceptible to anyone else, but to me it’s visible in the lines bracketing her mouth. They are more rigid than usual. More persistent when her mouth transitions from talking to smiling and back. This is eating at her. How could it not?
When Patty excuses herself to use the bathroom, Kay takes the opportunity to whisper in my ear, “Let’s get out of here. I want to take you somewhere.”
We finish our drinks, say our goodbyes, and head out.
Outside, I start walking to my car, but Kay stops me. “Let’s take my truck,” she says.
Kay
I hadn’t expected to find Ella at The Attic. I had just gone in for a quick chat and beer with Joe before my trip to the cemetery. But as soon as I laid eyes on her, I knew I wanted to take her with me.
“Where are we going?” Ella asks when we’re almost there.
I stay silent until we’ve arrived and I park next to the graveyard’s entrance.
“Oh shit.” Ella slaps her forehead when she realizes where we are. “I’m so sorry, babe. I completely forgot.”
“It’s fine. He was not your father. He died long before we got together. There’s no reason for you to remember.”
“Of course there is.” Ella is wringing her hands together. I didn’t bring her here so she could make a thing about her forgetting.
“Come on.” I’ve learned that quick, firm action is sometimes the only way to get Ella out of her head. I slide out of the car and wait for her at the open gate.
She takes my hand and leans into me. “How are you feeling?” she asks.
“I just like to stop by and mark the occasion. It’s important to me.”
“I know.” Ella wraps her fingers a little tighter around mine.
We walk the remaining distance in silence. I prefer to come here on my own, to just take a moment to myself. It’s not a hugely emotional experience for me anymore, just a matter of paying my respects. And never forgetting what my father taught me.
Both my parents are buried in the same spot and I had their headstone adjusted when Dad joined Mom. The symbol of two intertwined rings underneath their names was a new addition after Dad passed away.
“It makes me so sad that they never got to meet grown-up you,” I say to Ella, with an unexpected lump in my throat.
“I would have loved to have known them now as well.” Ella’s voice is strong, and she leans into me a bit more.
“Look, Ella, I’m not one to force my beliefs and my dreams on others.” Somehow, it helps me to say this while I’m looking at Patrick and Mabel Brody’s headstone—as though their memory lingers stronger here and I can draw on it for support. “If you don’t want to marry me, I will understand. I do understand. But I need you to see why I asked you in the first place, despite knowing full well how you feel about marriage.” I inhale deeply, looking for the right words to explain. “It’s not about a piece of paper, or a ring, or any other attempt to formalize our relationship. It’s definitely not to fill a gaping hole in my heart, or because
I believe that marriage is the one true outcome, the pinnacle of what happens when two people fall in love.” I turn to Ella, but don’t immediately look her in the eye. “It’s for them. These two people who loved me, and raised me, and taught me everything that’s important in life. And I know that may be hard for you to fully grasp, what with your family history and the polar opposite experience you had growing up. And it’s not easy to explain with words, though I hope bringing you here helps.” Oh, damn. There’s the first tear. “It’s something that I feel so deeply inside, that I had to ask. It was the only natural thing for me to do. Because I miss them. I miss them every day. I miss the way my dad looked at my mom, and how my mom would poke fun at him for doing so. And now I have you, and I don’t really know why it would make me feel”—I have to pause for a sniffle—“so immensely happy to be married to you. I just know that it would. And I also know that it would have made them happy for me, and proud of me for snagging a woman like you. And my dad, if he’d had the opportunity to be there, would probably have cried throughout the entire ceremony.”
Ella looks at me with her clear blue eyes, and I remember the only other time I brought her here—three years ago, on the anniversary of Mom’s death—and how much of a different person she is now. When she opens her mouth to speak, I bring a finger to her lips to quiet her.
“No. You don’t have to say anything now. I just want you to understand. I didn’t come here to change your mind, Ella. I came here to try to explain.”
“But—” she starts again.
I shake my head. “Just stand here with me. Be here with me. I know you will think about it. But I don’t want you to change your mind because of what I just said and to… to please me. I want you to say yes because you want to be married to me as much as I want to be married to you.”
“Okay.” Ella cups her hands around my cheeks and pulls me to her. She plants a tender kiss on my lips. It’s just us here today. If anyone else has come to commemorate my father’s death, they’ve already left, or they’ll come later. My dad died seven years ago, and I’m the only Brody left. “I promise you I will think about it.”
I wipe the last tears from my cheeks. “Enough sentimentality for one day,” I say.
“It’s so unfair that they both died so young,” Ella says.
“Life is hardly ever fair.” I curve my arm around her waist and pull her close. “But while we’re alive, I do believe in living it to the fullest. There’s no other way.”
“I know.” Ella puts her head on my shoulder and I wonder what’s really going through her mind. Does she still think that it could be her lying here, buried in the earth of Northville? Does she still feel guilty about what she did?
A light drizzle starts falling, but Ella doesn’t move. She keeps resting her head on my shoulder and I keep holding her and I realize, once again, that I can’t change the thoughts in Ella’s head, just like she doesn’t have the power to change mine. Silently, I speak to my parents, and I tell them, “Look at this woman. She beat so many odds and look at her standing here with me.”
After a few more minutes, my cheeks now wet with raindrops, I turn Ella toward me. “We should probably go. The rain is only going to get harder.”
“You explained well,” Ella says. “I want you to know that I understand, even though you might think that what you were trying to say would be lost on me. I understand.”
In response, I pull her to me again, and kiss her fully on the lips, not caring where we are.
* * *
Back home at West Waters, I run Ella a bath, and once she’s in, and I sit at the edge of the tub looking at her, at how she relaxes in the hot water, her head thrown back and her eyes closed, I wonder if we are truly living our lives to the fullest. If happiness is the ultimate goal, then I guess we are.
“I’m coming in,” I say. “Make some room.”
“Oh come on,” Ella doesn’t even open her eyes. “Do you really want to disturb my inner peace right now?”
“Oh yes.” I take off my clothes and realize that water will spill over the tub when I get in with her, but I don’t care. I put one leg in, definitely disturbing Ella’s peace, and thump against her thigh.
“You’re serious.” Ella sits up.
“When am I not serious?” I hoist my other leg into the tub and look down at Ella. Foam covers most of her body.
“I can’t believe this,” she says. “I have a taxing professional life trying to teach Northville’s youth about the birds and the bees, and when I come home in the evening, I’m not even allowed to fully relax. I have to share my hard-earned, relaxing bath time with you, while you can bathe any time you want.”
“I know.” Gently, I lower myself to minimize the spillage. “Life with me is very hard. I really don’t know why you stay with me.” Once I’m down, our legs intertwined under water, I look her in the eyes.
“I guess for the surroundings.” Ella doesn’t blink when she replies. She just leans back in the tub and finds a relaxing pose.
“You could stay at your parents’ cabin if you wanted to live on the lake.”
“But that’s just a cabin. This house is much more comfortable. For starters, the cabin only has a shower.”
“A shower that would just be for you, though. No interruptions.”
“As if I could trust you to not jump in with me, lying in wait to scare the hell out of me.” A crooked smile plays on her lips. This is a game we play often. It’s just nonsense, but it’s our own personal couple nonsense.
“Creeping up on someone is hardly my style.”
“Your loss,” Ella says while she bends one knee. She doesn’t say anything else, but with her toes, traces a line on my inner thigh. She stares at me, her gaze unwavering. “I think we have some unfinished business.”
“If you say so.” Sitting in the bath with Ella is always a sensual experience, so I’m not going to argue.
“You’d better listen to Northville High’s one and only biology teacher.” Ella has a Phd in Biology and used to be a professor at Boston University before the events that led her back to her hometown. She started teaching at Northville High last year and I had truly believed she’d be wanting to find another professor position after teaching teenagers for a full school year, but to my great surprise, she decided to stay on at the high school.
“Will you tell me about the birds and the bees, Miss Goodman?” I ask. Her toe is now nearing the throbbing region at the apex of my thighs, and my voice has gone a bit shrill.
“Even better.” She pushes herself up. “I’ll show you.” And then she does.
Ella
The next day at school, Patty knocks on my classroom door after third period. “Got a minute?” she asks.
“Sure.”
She closes the door and leans her hip against the bench closest to my desk.
“Sorry for running out on you and Nina like that last night,” I say.
She waves off my comment. “Don’t worry about that. Your sister is a real hoot. Haven’t laughed so much in ages.” She strokes her chin with her fingers for an instant. “But I wanted to say something to you. Something I wanted to say yesterday but didn’t get a chance to.”
“Be my guest.”
“I don’t want to overstep any boundaries, Ella, but what you said about your parents’ marriage yesterday struck a chord with me.” She stretches her fingers and seems to study her nails for a second. “Whatever thoughts you have in your head about their marriage and their relationship and how it affected you… these thoughts only apply to them. To the combination of the two of them together.” She looks back up at me, pinning her green gaze on me. “Ten years ago, when I met Steve, I was just like you. There was no way I would ever get married because marriage was just an old-fashioned patriarchal institution invented so wives could serve their husbands. At least, that was what I believed, because that’s how it was in my family. My father treated my mother as his personal maid, as his property, basically. And I had a
lways vowed that I would never be any man’s property, bound to him by a stupid piece of paper.
“But, you see, that was their marriage. That was the combination of the two of them together. My relationship with Steve, and eventually my marriage, couldn’t be more different from theirs because we are not the same people. I’m not my mother and Steve is not my father.”
I’m a bit taken aback by Patty’s speech. Is that why she moved all the way north? To escape the memory of her parents’ marriage? “Are your parents still together?”
“My father died four years ago.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I guess it’s no coincidence that Steve and I got married four years ago.” She huffs out a chuckle. “Look, Ella, I’m not trying to sway you in any direction, and I’m not here on anyone’s behalf, but I just really wanted you to know this about me. We all have our reasons for behaving the way we do, and we all carry some sort of burden from our past with us. I’m just saying that what happened when you were young doesn’t have to define you now. Everyone is different. You are not your parents. That’s all.” She cocks her head.
“Thanks, Patty,” I say, quite moved by her little speech.
“Don’t mention it.” She shrugs. “Besides, you and Kay are two women. How could it ever be the same as a boring old heterosexual marriage?” Patty obviously finds this very funny and slaps her thigh. “I have to run.” She looks at her watch. “But whenever you want to talk, I’m here, okay?”
As Patty skedaddles out of the classroom, I ponder the difference between teaching high school in a small town like Northville and being a professor in Boston. It’s night and day. Not only the subject matter I teach, which is just the basics of biology as opposed to the advanced lectures on plant and microbial ecosystem ecology I gave in Boston. But more than anything, it’s the sense of community I have started to find here. It’s how Patty just took time out of her busy schedule to tell me this. It’s the different pace of life. The milder expectations. Although the kids are quite a handful sometimes.