by Mj Fields
“How are you, Tessa?” Audri asked as they did dishes.
“I am alright. I think he is too, he’s excited to work for Landon again”
“I think Landon is too,” she smiled. “So what happens with the two of you now?”
“I can be his friend. I need a break or I’m going to lose myself even more than I feel I already have. He knows and seems alright with it. I’ll never stop caring about him or being his friend. And if it is really supposed to be him and I then someday it will be. He doesn’t know I feel that way and I prefer he not. I seriously doubt it,” Tessa smiled sadly, “I forgave him, it’s the forgetting part that will always come in our way. Both for me and for him.”.
“Tessa you take care of you, I have got this,” she said. “And I want you to know how eternally grateful we are for you and if you need anything ever all you need to do is ask.”
“Well I need him to be okay and happy and that’s it,” Tessa said quietly.
Tessa read to the girls with Lucas , and they fell asleep. Audri hugged her and tears rolled down her cheek,.
“Don’t do that…please,” Tessa whispered.
“Sorry Tessa,” Audrianna wiped her tears away.
Lucas walked out with her and hugged her.
“Thank you…For everything,” Lucas kissed her lightly on the cheek and she left.
Chapter 30
Tessa moved out of her apartment that weekend and put the few things she bought in storage. Before leaving the city she decided to visit Toby’s grave. She sat on the ground and leaned against his stone. She missed her friend. A man she knew would have kept her safe even if they had not ended up together he would have helped her through this awful time. She imagined how their life may have turned out and smiled and laughed at herself. Seriously, Tessa Ross get it together and stop thinking impossible thoughts. He is dead, Lucas was not for you and you need to move forward.
Aunt Ann, Tessa thought ‘If we sit and wallow the hell will consume us…walk through it without looking back…We can't change the past, but your future is beautiful you just have to let yourself see it.’
“Thank you Aunt Ann,” Tessa whispered to heaven...
Tessa knew exactly where she would be going. A place Lucas and she never had the time to visit. A place she had loved when she was younger, happier, and more innocent.
Tessa went home and got her bags packed. She would leave in a week. She had to work as much overtime as she could squeeze in. She would see her friend, but Jade had just started a job a few months ago, using her counseling degree at a nearby youth residential center. Cassidy was in Virginia visiting family Kendal was of on one of her end of summer world tours trying to fill he passport before she ended up married and Phoebe wasn’t going out, to busy with Alex. She couldn’t blame her he was the perfect man.
She spent time with Jake when she could. Out of all her siblings she worried about him the most he was a wild child just like she was and in love. He had graduated and moved in with his girlfriend... Tessa hoped he would be okay and secretly blamed herself for setting the bad example.
~.
“Hey what’s up?” Lucas asked when he answered the door.
“I just wanted to stop and see how you were doing, check on your Meds and see how you were healing,” Tessa smiled.
He was agitated and looked at her trying to figure something out.
“Are you okay? Are you feeling alright?” She asked and felt his head.
“Yeah I’m fine,” he shook his head and looked upset.
“Lucas, no you’re not what’s going on are you okay?”
“Tessa I have company,” he said, “Damn it I’m sorry”
"No that's okay I should have called first," she said and quickly turned away, “I’m glad you’re feeling better, see you later.”
“When?” he yelled his voice desperate.
“I don’t know, but I will call first,” she opened the Jeep door.
He ran out and grabbed her.
“I’m sorry” he said and hugged her, “Give me a few minutes I will get rid of her.”
“No Lucas it’s okay. It’s not who you are, but it’s who you want to be,” she smiled. “We’re friends I’m perfectly fine with that.”
“When do you leave?”
“In a few days.”
“I want to come with you.”
“No Lucas you don’t and I don’t want you too.”
He hugged and kissed her, “I’m going to miss you.”
“You will be fine, you always are,” she shut the door, and he watched her pull out.
Lucas walked in the house and slammed the door.
“Fuck!” he yelled.
He walked into the bathroom and sat on the floor and quietly cried. There was a knock on the door.
“You okay in there?” a female voice said.
“Yes I’ll be up in a minute, get your ass ready I’m in rare form.”
“Sound like fun,” she said.
~
Tessa drove down the road and swallowed hard. Ouch she thought and laughed. What did she expect him to try harder and make things better and go to therapy and stop being a whore? Yeah that about covered it, but she knew better. Five years and he had broken her, loved her, and shattered her over and over again. The horrible thing was that she believed him every time and with each blow he threw she always bounced right back into his arms. Not this time. They had graduated from school, his dreams had all come true and she sat broken… again. She certainly didn’t need that anymore. But she couldn’t sit and wait for him to come and sweep her off her feet. She had to get the hell away from him. Walk through it, she thought and smiled to herself.
Her phone chimed, and it was him and he was using the signature again
-Tessa Ross, I want to see you…LL
-Hey Lucas are you physically ok?...Tessa
-Yes, I need to see you….LL
-Sorry I’m really busy…Tessa
Her phone rang.
“Hi Lucas,” she said.
“Hey, can we talk Tessa?”
“Sure go ahead.”
“I’m sorry,” she laughed, “Yeah I know, you’ve heard that before huh?”
“I think I have. Hey but at least it’s amusing to me now,” Tessa giggled
“I wish I felt the same way,” he said softly.
“Ok Lucas, I can’t do this anymore” she laughed, “I can’t keep trying to make this better for you. You need to realize that this isn’t love you’re feeling for me. You need me to want you; you need me to remind you of who you know you can be. And guess what Lucas,” her voice cracked, “I can’t do that for you anymore, and it is incredible selfish for you to expect me too.”
“Tessa you came here yesterday. I left you alone for a week, a whole week and you came here. So don’t kid yourself ok?”
“Wow, I guess I hadn’t thought about it like that. Okay so I guess, I’m sorry?” She was surprised. “Okay so I won’t again.”
“No, that’s not what I mean I mean we both need each other. We always have, Tessa,” he said sounding exasperated.
“Lucas this is done, I won’t do this to myself or you anymore. Clean break okay?” Tessa said.
“For now?”
“I can’t Lucas and either can you.”
“No! I can!” he said sternly.
“Lucas, someday we can be friends…like maybe a year from now. I’ve been doing very well. I honestly did come yesterday to see if you were doing alright, but after you said what you did I realize now that..” she started.
“Okay stop there. I don’t want to hear anymore Tessa. I’m not giving up and you can’t either.”
“No, I am Lucas, I have. I am pretty sure I have proved that. I am pretty sure you should get it as well. We had amazing sex. But outside of that we, I don’t know we thought we loved each other but...” she started.
“Again Tessa, stop. We loved each other, I still love you.”
She laughed, “Whatever gets
you through. So when you are fucking whoever it is you are fucking, and you’re wrapped in their arms Lucas, do you still think you love me?”
“Of course Tessa, I’ll always love you!”
“Good to know, and so you know that was it for me,” she giggled. “I need to get going.”
“No, what is that supposed to mean. I answered your question truthfully. I don’t know what you need or want me to say…”
“No, you did great. I love your honesty Lucas. Now accept mine, we are done, I will not ever, listen carefully, ever be with someone who can fuck someone and claim they love me. That’s not enough for me, it wasn’t then and it never will be,” her voice was harsh, and tone clipped.
“Well what changed? You forgave me with Sadi and Jenny, and now you change?”
“What the hell Lucas, you jackass, it was never ok. I was young and stupid, but I am pretty damned sure I never implied that it was okay!”
“Fine… sorry,” he said. “Tessa I don’t know what you want from me.”
“Are you smoking a lot lately because you are not STUPID Lucas!” she yelled.
He laughed, “Whatever it takes to get through it right?”
“Sure Lucas, get through it pal,” she snickered.
“Can I see you before you leave?”
“Nope.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to see you.”
“Yes you do,” he said softly.
“No Lucas I don’t, I’m sick that I let myself, you know what never mind. Please take care of yourself Lucas. Goodbye,” she said and hung up.
~
Tessa went for a run with Leia. She ran to the top of the stairs and sat back and leaned on the rocks. She closed her eyes and breathed in the fresh fall air. I am so ready to move on, she thought. He is not my responsibility; he took care of himself when he was much younger he certainly can do it now.
“Come on girl,” she said to Leia.
They ran down the stairs and walked to the bridge. She walked and leaned over and smiled.
“What are you doing Tessa?” she heard him from behind her.
She looked back and saw Lucas walking towards her, Leia growled, “Sit.”
“Hi,” he leaned over the edge of the bridge.
“Hi.”
“You look great.”
“You too Lucas,” she went to walk past him, and he grabbed her arm and hugged her.
She laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing,” she laughed harder
“Why are you laughing?”
“Because that’s the first time you have touched me, and I didn’t feel like I wanted to jump you.”
He looked confused, “And that’s funny?”
“No, it’s perfect.”
“Really?” he kissed her neck.
She laughed harder, “Seriously? It wasn’t a challenge.”
“Tessa I want you here, again,” he said softly and pulled her lip with his teeth.
“Oh okay,” she pulled away.
“You know you miss me Tessa,” he purred.
“No, actually I miss me more,” she stepped back.
“I won’t see anyone else, I…” he started.
“I promise I will never hurt you again, I’m sorry, I love you” she said mockingly.
“Really Tessa?” he sounded hurt.
“Sorry Lucas I’m going to get through this, and you bud are going to be just fine,” Tessa started to walk away and he grabbed her.
“Tessa don’t…”
“Don’t what Lucas?” she looked at him.
“Don’t do this to us.”
“Hey Lucas, I didn’t. I have given you a hundred excuses pick one and go with it! I’m fine, you’re moving on, a lot actually,” she laughed, “so you’ll be fine. I would love for you to be really happy someday Lucas, I really would. But I am responsible for me. I hope you get that,” Tessa smiled at him.
“I love you Tessa.”
“I know you think you do. I care very much for you Lucas, if that’s not obvious remember the past five years that I lost myself wanting to make you happy. That should be proof enough,” she looked down.
“I don’t know what to say Tessa,” he said, “I am not ready for you to move on.”
She laughed, “Really, but its okay for you to?”
“It’s not okay, it’s who I am. It’s not who you are.”
“Lucas Links, you were way better at this in high school. I know you loved me then. But four years later I’m no different from the others bud, except I am telling you no. That’s probably what your problem is.”
“You are probably right, thirteen is an unlucky number Tessa, and look at all the shit you have put me through,” he said in anger.
“Okay so what are you going to throw at me now? My dead baby, dead dog, all the losses we have dealt with, everything that has happened to you in the past five years Lucas? All my fault I get it,” Tessa shook her head.
“Sure… that’s a fucking start,” he yelled.
“Lucas don’t, we’re adults now, don’t do this what will it prove?”
“Is this fun for you?”
“No, you… none of this has been fun. But finally I feel a little bit of hope, I haven’t even thrown up yet, that’s a sign,” she laughed, “Look I don’t want to hate each other, that feels like such a waste of five years. Can’t we do this nicely?”
“How the fuck does that happen?”
“We decide it Lucas, I will if you can.”
“Nope, I am not ready and your fooling yourself Tessa Ross, you love me, and we would be married right now if..." he started.
“I didn’t catch you in San Francisco while we were engaged, you had built us a home, we had finished school, and I was happily planning our wedding, knowing you were enough for me forever. Does that ring a bell Lucas? And it was all because I wanted to finish my last day of school or so that’s what you tell yourself. If I can forgive so can you Lucas. If I can stand in front of you and tell you I will always love you just not the way you need or want me to because of all that, I don’t get why you can’t”
He looked at her and shook his head, “You’ll be back Tessa.”
Tessa attached the leash to Leia and walked away and didn’t look back.
~
Tessa went home and got in the hot tub and relaxed.
Alex came over, “How are you doing, Tessa?”
“Actually really good,” Tessa smiled.
“I’m glad,” he looked over and saw Lucas pull in. “We have company”
“Tessa we need to talk” Lucas stormed over to her.
“We already did Lucas.”
“You going to be okay?” Alex asked.
“Yes, I’m great,” Tessa smiled, and Alex walked away.
“You can’t tell me you feel nothing.”
“No, I feel lots of things Lucas,” she said tried not to laugh.
“Let’s hear it Tessa,” he looked at her smugly like he used to when they fought.
“You really don’t want to hear it Lucas,” she looked away.
“Yes I do, or I wouldn’t be here.”
“Okay I feel good, relieved, and ready to move on.”
“Who are you fucking Tessa?” he sneered at her.
Tessa laughed, “Lucas I haven’t had sex in months, and I don’t need to. I am healing, and it actually feels good.”
He looked confused, “I don’t get it.”
“Okay I see that, do you remember how you felt when you and I broke up before I got pregnant? When Jenny was on her knees Lucas?”
“Yes it was awful,” he thought and looked down.
“Okay but you missed me and would have done anything to get me back right?”
“Yes,” he looked at her.
“We had two maybe three alright years then, you tried, and you loved me. You made me feel like I mattered and that you wanted only me. You haven’t done that again and I don’t feel like that anymor
e Lucas. I don’t need you to make me feel like I am worth something anymore. I wish you could see that you’re worth so much, and with or without me you are a good person. And Lucas you have not tried, you’re feelings have changed to.”
“I want you back Tessa. I need you don’t you leave me and don’t you do this to us,” Lucas glared at her.
She got out and grabbed a towel, “I can’t do this Lucas, it hurt’s to see you hurt.”
Tessa started to walk away and Lucas grabbed her.
“Let go, do you need me to be a pile?”
“Whatever it takes to make you come back,” he looked at her with deep anger in his eyes.
“You’re not doing this right, remember when you told me that?” she asked and he shook his head, “Well right now I am telling you that you’re not winning me back this way, I don’t want you like this, I don’t want you again the other way either. Damn it Lucas if you love me you should want me happy! Not fucking broken!”
He was pissed and panicking, "I won’t ask again, it’s now or never!”
She looked at him and smiled sadly, “Goodbye Lucas.”
“Fuck you Tessa,” he yelled after her.
“Lucas my parents are around here somewhere please stop?”
“I don’t care,” he yelled and laughed.
She turned and glared at him, “Grow up, just fucking grow up. You have changed Lucas, and it makes me sad for you.”
“Yeah well you have too,” he yelled.
She turned around and walked up to him and hugged him, “Lucas find you please, find you.”
She turned and walked away.
“For us I will Tessa,” he yelled and walked to his SUV and left.
Chapter 31
“I’m going to the Cape,” Tessa sat on the back deck next to Maggie.
“Ok we can all go. We haven’t rented the house out until next May,” Maggie held Tessa’s hand.
“Good to know. I’m going for a month Mom.”
“Honey that’s a long time” Maggie said softly.
“I need it, I need to get away,” Tessa sat back and took a deep breath.
“It's going to rain all next week; we can all go then and help you get settled?” Maggie had tears in her eyes.
“Ok,” Tessa said softly.