by Jayne Faith
I couldn’t help a little smile at Celestia’s chattiness. “Just put it down as research, and I will take care of inviting the attendees myself.”
“Very well, Your Holiness.”
Swallowing my pride, I drafted a message to Novia asking her to bring her top two assistants to meet with me first thing the next morning to aid me with a special research project.
I wasn’t sure how much I could truly trust Novia, but I had no choice. I needed her.
15
Toric
I DIDN’T WANT to admit it, but I was stalling. My official duties were done for the evening, and I knew that Maya had been moved to a room in my chambers, but I still sat alone in the Lord’s Honor Chamber. I ignored the news reports running on the wall monitor, staring out the window instead.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see her—I wanted nothing more in the world than to be near her—but I wasn’t sure how to face her after I’d pummeled my own brother in front of her.
Jeric had deserved every punch and bruise—I had no regrets about that—I just wished Maya had not witnessed my rage.
My brother, and my reactions to his antics, made me feel like a small, helpless child at times. He knew exactly where to prod to raise my ire or humiliate me. And that he had dared to meet alone with Maya . . . the pressure inside my head seemed to increase when I remembered coming upon the two of them in the service corridor.
The guards had alerted me immediately when they realized she was no longer in the courtyard, and I happened to be nearby on other business. On the one hand, it might have been better if I’d been too far away and the guards had found Maya with Jeric. But there was a small part of me that was glad I’d been there, even as I regretted making such a scene in front of Maya.
Some women might truly enjoy two men fighting over her, or even encourage it, but Maya had looked stunned and fearful.
Finally, my brooding was overcome by my desire to be near her, and I left the room.
I could feel Maya’s energy pulsing toward me even before I reached the level of the palace that housed the royal apartments and my chambers. It was a silent song that thrummed in my chest as if my ribcage were made of tuning forks that were calibrated to her vibrations.
I went into my chambers through the front entrance with my eyes darting around nervously, as if I half-expected Maya to be waiting there with her arms crossed and demanding an explanation for my behavior in the service corridor.
But of course she wasn’t there, and it wouldn’t be within her character to make cross demands. She was housed in the room reserved for the wife of the Lord—not yet needed during my reign—and under heavy guard. She couldn’t be allowed to roam my quarters freely. It wouldn’t be safe, with so many servants passing in and out all day.
As if to prove my point, Victor was waiting in the antechamber to greet me. “My Lord, may I get you anything? A glass of port, perhaps?”
“That would be wonderful,” I said, realizing it actually would be nice to relax with a drink before I began my nighttime meditation. “I’ll be on the main balcony.”
Victor inclined his head and went to prepare a cart.
I turned to Calvin, one of the chamber guards on duty. “I’d like to invite Maya to join me. If she is still up and amenable, have one of her guards escort her here.”
He touched his earpiece, made the inquiry, and then a few seconds later gave me a nod. Not wanting to look as if I were waiting nervously for her, I went through the inner chambers to my bedchamber and out onto the balcony.
I left the doors wide open, the night breeze stirring the curtains, and braced my palms against the railing. Filling my lungs with refreshingly cool air, I let my eyelids drop closed for a moment as I mentally centered myself.
I felt Maya’s energy before I heard her soft footfalls.
“My Lord?” came her tentative voice.
I turned toward her, warmth flooding through me. The tension of the day seemed to drain away, and my face relaxed into a smile. I stretched my upturned, open palm toward her, and to my delight she placed her delicate hand on mine.
I led her to the railing. “I’m sorry that we’re too late for the sunset, but the nighttime view is lovely, don’t you think?”
“It’s breathtaking,” she said.
I could feel her relax beside me, as if the absence of my own tension allowed her to let go of hers.
I heard Victor coming with the cart, so I gave her hand a gentle squeeze and then let it go. I didn’t do it out of self-consciousness, and I certainly didn’t want to let go of her, but for some reason it didn’t feel right to let anyone else see my affection toward her. I wanted it to belong only to the two of us.
Victor left the drink service, silently understanding that I preferred to serve my guest and myself tonight, and then Maya and I were alone again.
I lifted the decanter and poured maroon liquid into two glasses.
“My Lord, I hope you know that there is nothing between me and—” Maya started and then faltered. She cleared her throat. “There is nothing going on between me and your brother. He sent a message to me saying that he needed to speak with me, that it was very urgent. And that is the truth.”
I could feel the side of my neck pulsing at the mention of Jeric, but I kept calm. “You would tell me if he hurt you, right?”
She took the glass I offered. “Of course. And no, he did not harm me.”
“What was so urgent that he had to pull you away into a dark corridor?” I didn’t want to sound accusing, but she had eluded her guards so that she could meet him, and I hated that she’d put herself in a vulnerable position by doing so.
She gave a tiny sigh and looked down into her goblet. “He is very jealous of you, isn’t he?” she said quietly. “He believes he should be Lord.”
I cocked my head in surprise. “Did he say that to you?”
She nodded and then peeked up at me. My finger twitched with the urge to brush a tendril of dark hair back from her cheek and tuck it behind her ear.
“What else did he say?” I asked mildly and then sipped from my glass.
A frown passed over her face, and she gave her head a slight shake. “That he wanted my loyalty and affection.” Her lips twisted a bit before her face smoothed. “I don’t understand it, really. It seems something to do with his desire to be Lord, but . . . I don’t know. Does that make any sense to you?”
I raised one brow, trying to keep a casual expression, but inside my heart was knocking. How could Jeric know that Maya appeared to be critical in the Lord’s path—my own personal path to Earthenfell? Or was I giving his strange behavior more significance than it deserved?
“It is rather odd, I admit, but I do have one plausible explanation,” I said. “Jeric has always made a game of trying to take from me the things that matter most, of exploiting my vulnerabilities.” I knew there was more to it than that, but there was no reason to alarm Maya. She had challenges of her own to face and overcome.
Her lips parted, but she didn’t respond right away. “That seems very cruel,” she said at a near-whisper. “In spite of what happened, I truly do not think he means me harm. Even for the purpose of hurting you. Something is affecting him. Making him act strangely. But I do not think he is all bad, Lord Toric.”
I exhaled sharply through my nose, a noise something in between a sigh and a wry laugh. “Then you are a much better person than I am.”
Her lips twitched into a smile, and she looked me straight in the eye with a boldness that was not there a moment ago. “Regardless of how our opinions of your brother might differ, I do like knowing that I’m among the things that matter most to you.” She sipped her port, hiding her smile behind the rim of her glass, but I saw the pleasure in her eyes, the warmth, and I felt it in her energy that buffeted against my heart like the warmth of a fire on a winter day.
Unable to stop myself, I set down my goblet and went to her in two long strides. As I swept her up and off the ground, she he
ld her goblet aloft to keep the port from splashing us and laughed softly.
With my heart pounding at her nearness, I lowered her feet to an ottoman. When she stood on it, the top of her head was only five or six inches shorter than mine.
I kept one arm curled around her waist and took her goblet in the other. I set down the glass and then turned to her, my fingers trembling a little as I touched the side of her face with my fingertips.
“I’m sorry that you saw me in such a state today. I was not at my best, and I wish you hadn’t witnessed it,” I whispered. I couldn’t keep my eyes from flicking down to her mouth. Her lower lip was slightly fuller than the upper, as if inviting my touch.
“Knowing that your brother has been tormenting you for a lifetime illuminates the situation for me,” she said. She paused, looking deeply into my eyes. “And that aside, I want to know you in all of your states of mind, Lord Toric.”
The invisible bindings around my heart, the constriction that had been there since my abduction and reminded me daily that I should not expect too much from the heart of another, suddenly seemed to loosen. That tiny new space inside me that opened up might as well have been an entire universe.
I could not hold back any longer. I bent and covered her mouth with mine. She tasted sweetly of port. I parted my lips and touched my tongue to her lower lip, and her soft moan hummed against my lips.
Suddenly aware of my throbbing arousal, I started to pull back. But she tightened her arms around my neck and pressed her mouth firmly to mine. She must have felt the effect she was having on me, but she kept her body flush against me.
When we finally parted, we were both breathless.
I tipped my forehead against hers and closed my eyes. “Please tell me you’re feeling strong, and you’re ready to fly through the rest of the Tournament.” I opened my eyes and leaned back a little so I could look into her face. “I need you here with me, Maya.”
“I’m meant to be here with you,” she said simply.
I wanted to sweep her up in my arms and take her the few feet to my bed so badly my entire body ached with the desire. But I could not stand the thought of having her and then losing her. When she emerged the winner, when the danger of the Tournament was past, then we could be together.
So instead of following my desire, I lifted her into my arms and sat down on one of the balcony chairs with her on my lap and my hands gentle but firm on her waist. She looped her arms around my neck, and we passed the next hour talking of our families and childhoods, with sweet intervals of silence as our lips met again and again.
And finally, I told her about my true feelings, that I loved her.
She held my face in her small hands and looked into my eyes. “I cannot allow myself to love you. Not yet. I hope you understand.”
Instead of disappointing me, her response made me want to draw her closer. I realized it was more important for me to make sure she knew how I felt than to know my feelings were reciprocated.
It was strange to realize I’d never had this kind of experience with a woman. At the age when I might have had my first innocent kiss with a girl—when most boys would have—I was a captive. A woman was part of my torture, but there was nothing innocent about it.
By the time I returned home, I was at an age where interest in the young female nobles of the court was normal and appropriate, but my torture had twisted my desires, mixing pain and pleasure in a way that made me wholly unsuitable for girls my own age. I spent the first several years back home in deep shame and anger, furtively seeking out the company of older women who were not frightened by my needs. And then, after my father’s passing and my ascent to the throne, I had the harem at my disposal.
I’d been robbed of the chance at innocent love. Of the fumbling exploration and discovery of pleasure with another that were the right of every boy transitioning to manhood.
I trailed my fingers down Maya’s dark hair, barely touching the strands. She was the first woman I’d ever kissed that way, with affection and passion born more of my feelings for her than my desire to possess her body. I wanted her, but also loved her innocence.
That was one of the things I loved about Maya or, perhaps more accurately, envied. At twenty years old, she’d never been with a man. Despite the dangers she faced, she was still living within the innocence that had been stolen from me at a much younger age. Rather than tempting me to take her innocence, I wanted to prolong it. Cherish it.
When the time was right, when she’d faced the challenges and won, together we would deepen our bond.
Love.
I’d never in my most outlandish fantasies dared to hope that love would ever have a place in my relationship with a woman.
“What else is troubling you, my Lord?” Maya asked after a stretch of silence.
My arms tightened around her, and I relished the warmth of her body against my chest. I pushed my nose into her hair, just under her earlobe. “At this moment, I feel about as worry-free as I’ve ever felt. We shouldn’t ruin it,” I murmured.
She laughed softly but then pulled back. “I truly want to know.”
I felt my face draw into a serious expression. “Maya, you do not understand how rare this is for me, to feel this kind of peace. Please, can we just let it last for this night?”
She searched my face and then reached up to touch my temple lightly with her fingertips. “Yes, my Lord. We can let it last for this night.”
As much as I wanted to sit there with her all night, she was not fully recovered, and she needed rest. I stood with her in my arms, giving the excuse that she should save her strength and let me carry her to her room, to which she laughingly obliged.
Later, as I lay in bed, my body thrummed with a mix of happiness and unspent desire that made it impossible for me to sleep.
With Maya no longer in my arms, other thoughts began to intrude.
As desperately as I wanted only Maya in my life, I needed something she could not offer me. I would hold out as long as I could, but eventually I knew I would have to give in. And somehow, I would have to reveal to Maya in detail why I was so darkly and thoroughly ruled by my desires.
I closed my eyes and pushed the heels of my hands against my eyelids as the old, familiar shame welled up in a poisonous wave. Was there any chance she would understand?
16
Maya
MY HEART FELT as if it might rise up and float like a bubble right out of my body. I stood in the washroom of my new quarters—a series of rooms that were lavish beyond reality and under the guard of half a dozen of Lord Toric’s men—but I was barely aware of my surroundings.
I pressed one hand to my stomach and touched the fingers of the other to my lips, remembering the warm pressure of Lord Toric’s mouth and the feel of his tongue over my lower lip. Heat arrowed down through the middle of my body.
Where had I found such boldness? I shook my head as my lips twitched in a smile.
It felt like it had been a dream, standing with my body pressed to his as we kissed under the starlight. And then later, sitting with our arms wrapped around each other . . . I could have stayed there for days.
More than once, my eyes flicked through the open balcony doors to his bed. He’d become aroused when we started kissing and seemed concerned that it would bother me. But it didn’t. Not in the least. On the contrary, it made my heart race and my insides boil with desire.
I considered offering myself to him, but it wasn’t the time for that. My body was still weak from my ordeal, and beyond that it simply did not feel like the right time.
When I’d approached Lord Toric’s balcony earlier in the evening, I’d been tentative, even a bit afraid. His rage toward his brother had seemed to take over his entire being, and I worried that some of his anger would spill over to me because I’d voluntarily gone alone to meet with Sir Jeric.
But the fury seemed to have dissipated as suddenly as it had flared. And although I still believed Jeric did not intend me true harm, after ou
r talk I understood Lord Toric’s intense distrust of his brother. I felt sorry for the alien Lord, sad that he’d never experienced what I had—a sibling who was also a dearest, most trusted friend. As deeply as I missed Lana, I was also so very grateful for what she’d been to me.
Just before my evening with Lord Toric had ended, I’d asked him for news of Iris. He told me she was still alive, and by the fact that he wouldn’t say more about her condition, I suspected she was not doing well. He said he was trying to get her some kind of immunity that might even get her out of prison, but that it wouldn’t happen right away.
I didn’t bother complaining about my new Tournament guide. I already knew that was Akantha’s realm, and I would simply have to make the best of the sour woman who’d replaced Iris.
My stomach plunged at the sudden realization that Clarisse was . . . well, she was a woman of the harem, so she and Lord Toric had mostly likely . . .
My elation collapsed like a wadded paper bag. How could I be so stupid, so naïve? For a while as Lord Toric and I had sat together on his balcony, I’d felt like the only woman in his life. But he had an entire harem of women to take to his bed. Perhaps he’d made all of those women feel special. For all I knew, he’d called for one of the women as soon as I’d left him.
Suddenly feeling a bit ill, I washed my face and changed into a nightgown.
In my dark bedroom, I huddled under the impossibly soft sheets and rich embroidered bedspread, my eyes wide and my brow furrowed.
Even if I won the Tournament, I’d only be one of many in the harem. Even if I were Lord Toric’s favorite, would he really forsake all the others to be only with me? It was childish to think that he would. He was the Lord of Calisto and Earth. Even though he’d said he loved me, he was under no obligation to limit himself to one woman.
I silently scolded myself for living in such an impossible fantasy. Lord Toric could never be mine and mine alone, and believing otherwise was pure foolishness.