“I have all of these thoughts always going around and around in my head. I want to be with you. I want that more than anything. So how can there still be a part of me that doesn’t? How can there still be a part of me that wants to cling on? That wants things … other things. Like my shop.”
I closed my eyes and fell silent for a minute. It felt like I was betraying him somehow. By confessing all of this, I was exposing all of my inner secrets and fear. It was embarrassing. And overwhelming.
“I still want you, though,” I said. “But why do I have to choose? Everything I want, it comes with a price. I should be happy that I get to be with you. And yet I want …”
I put the tin can down. Pulled it away from my lips. I couldn’t tell him what I really wanted; him alive, and Kristen alive, and Vincent Drake out of the picture and no more Revenants hanging around.
Lifting the can back up for my farewell, I whispered, “All I want is for you to know that I love you. And I hope I’m strong enough for you.” And I wish you could hear these words …
Caspian finally woke up two days later, on Friday, the day of the Hollow Ball, and I was sick with worry about him the whole time he was asleep. Cacey had eventually called me back, but I hadn’t answered the phone, and she didn’t leave a message. He couldn’t remember how much time he’d lost, and that scared me. We didn’t really talk about it, though. What else was there to say?
On the way to school that morning, I took a quick side detour through the cemetery, and Caspian went with me. Kristen’s grave was only a foot away, but I felt apprehension fill me as I drew closer. Tonight was a big night. Slowly I stepped up to the tomb-stone.
“Hey, Kris.” I brushed away some dead leaves scattered on top. “Tonight’s the Hollow Ball.” It was chilly outside and I stuffed my hands into my pockets. “I’m going with Ben. I hope that … I hope that’s okay.”
A weird, prickly feeling ran down the back of my scalp, and I glanced over. Standing across from me, on the far side of the cemetery, was an older man in a white suit, staring at me.
I squinted, and stared back, positive that I’d seen him somewhere before. He looked so familiar.
But the memory wouldn’t come to me.
“I have to get to school,” I whispered to Kristen. “I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be thinking about you. I miss you. And I love you.”
I laid my hand on the top of the stone, but when I looked up again, the man was gone.
Chapter Twenty. THE HOLLOW BALL
It was toward evening that Ichabod arrived at the castle of Heer Van Tassel, which he found thronged with the pride and flower of the adjacent country.
– “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow”
I made last-minute plans with Beth and Ben for the Hollow Ball right after the bell rang for last period. “Are we doing the limo at seven or seven thirty tonight?” Ben asked. “I have to let the driver know.”
“Seven thirty,” I answered. Beth nodded her agreement.
“Your dress is red, right?” Ben said.
“How did you-”
“I told him,” Beth said. “Yeah, it’s red,” she confirmed.
“I’ll stick with a red bow tie, then, and I’ll be there around seven thirty to pick you up. I’ll be wearing my sexay suit.” Ben wiggled his eyebrows at us before turning to walk away.
Beth laughed, and I rolled my eyes at him. But I couldn’t help a small smile either.
“Are you going to the salon with me?” Beth asked as soon as he was gone. “My aunt works there and she does hair and makeup. I can totally get her to squeeze you in.”
“Yeah, sure, I guess.” Hair, makeup, the dress … it all seemed like such a process to go through.
Beth squealed. “Awesome! Drop your books off, then, and let’s go, girl! Time is wasting, and we have to get beautiful.”
Caspian was nowhere to be found as I made my way to my locker, so I sent him a quick Gng 2 do hair w/ Beth text.
A few seconds later his text came through. Ok, have a great time.
I turned to Beth with a forced smile. This is fun, I told myself as we headed outdoors. Just go and have fun with your friend.
I tried to keep my thoughts, and my expression, happy as we drove to the salon. But even with nonstop laughter from all the other senior girls around us getting ready too, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking that this was it. This was the last chance I was going to have to spend time with Beth and Ben. The Revs wouldn’t have been sticking around all this time if it wasn’t going to be soon. If the day I was supposed to die wasn’t almost here.
As false eyelashes were applied to my eyelids, and my nails were buffed, trimmed, and painted, it became harder and harder to keep the smile on my face.
“Hair up, or down?” Beth’s aunt, Lucinda, asked.
I didn’t answer quickly enough, and Beth poked my arm.
“What do you think?” I asked her.
“If you want sexy, I’d suggest up.” Her smile turned mischievous. “And if the date goes really well, you can always let it down later.”
“What about half up, half down?” I said. I didn’t really want sexy for Ben. That just felt … weird. “Could we pull the one side back and maybe put a flower in?”
“Oooh, a red rose. Yes, that’s it,” Lucinda said. “With your coloring it will be beautiful.”
Beth was in the next chair over, getting her dark hair piled high and talking to Lucinda’s right-hand man about Grant. “Nice,” she said, pausing to eye me up as Lucinda got to work. “Good choice.”
“Thanks.” I smiled back at her.
When we were finally finished, Beth dropped me off at home. Caspian was upstairs, sitting in my desk chair. He was reading a book, so I entered my room quietly so I wouldn’t disturb him.
“Hey, Astrid,” he said.
My special name made my heart trip, and I went over to him. Even after all this time, my first instinct when I saw him was to try to put my arms around him. “Hi,” I said back shyly.
He gazed up at me. “You look beautiful.”
“Thanks.” My cheeks were on fire.
“Tonight’s the big night, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“Will you be careful?”
“I will. Cacey said she and Uri will be there, so don’t worry about Vincent. Besides, I don’t think he’d try anything. Too public. He seems to prefer alone time when he’s terrorizing me.”
He stood up and moved close. “Be careful about Ben, too.” His tone was half joking, but the serious half was still there. “I know I was the one who pushed you into this, but you’re still my girl.”
I stood there for a while, just looking up at him, trying to convey what I was feeling without words. Eventually he cleared his throat and took a step away. “I don’t want to interrupt you. You should probably be getting ready.”
“Okay,” I said, mourning the loss of his closeness.
“Do you mind if I stay up here?” he asked softly, not meeting my eyes. “I don’t think I can see you. All … dressed up and stuff. For him.”
“No, no, that’s fine. I don’t want it to be awkward. In fact, I’m going to get dressed downstairs. More … room down there. Are you sure you’re okay with this?”
He nodded. “Of course. I like Ben. He’s a nice guy.”
I went over to the closet and put the white Victorian dress behind the red dress in its garment bag. I wanted to surprise Caspian with it, and this way I could put it on downstairs when I got home. A tight ball of nerves sprung up in my stomach. Tonight, at midnight, will officially be November first. Caspian’s death day.
I was ready, and yet so not ready. What if he didn’t like the white dress? What if he thought it was too old fashioned, or hated the way it looked on me? What if …
No more what-ifs. One thing at a time. Hollow Ball now. Caspian tonight. Just get through the Hollow Ball with Ben first.
Hanging the dress over my arm, I nudged the closet door open and grabbed some
black strappy shoes. “I guess I’ll see you when I get back, then?” I said to Caspian as I made my way out.
He nodded.
“Mom and Dad are leaving for the weekend tonight. They’ll be gone until Monday afternoon, so …” My throat felt tight, and I didn’t want to start crying and ruin all of Lucinda’s hard work. “I wish I was going with you,” I said softly. “I’ll miss you.”
Caspian nodded again, and with a final glance behind me, I walked out the door. Leaving my dead boyfriend behind so that I could go to the dance with someone else. All because he wanted me to.
Mom was beside herself with excitement when I went downstairs to get dressed, and kept checking on me every five seconds. After the fourth interruption I told her, “Just stop. Chill. If I need anything, I’ll call for you.”
But she had the camera ready when I finally came out of the bathroom, and immediately started snapping pictures.
“Mom, I’m not even completely dressed yet,” I said. “I need to put my shoes on.”
“I know, but-snap- this is such an exciting moment and I-snap-want to make sure I have pictures of everything.” Snap.
Ignoring her, I went to the couch and sat down to put my shoes on. But my dress was too tight to bend in, and I kept contorting myself at awkward angles. “Hey, Mom, I think I need some help now.”
She came right over. “I’m here. I’ll take care of it.”
I slid my foot into the shoe, using the edge of the couch for balance, and Mom buckled it. Then she did the other one.
Dad came into the living room as soon as she was done, and whistled. “You look beautiful, sweetheart.” Mom grabbed him and pulled him beside me to take some pictures as I glanced at the clock.
I still had fifteen more minutes of this until Ben would be here.
“All right, Mom,” I said through gritted teeth. “Let’s take some pictures.”
She posed me and Dad by the fireplace, by the window, in front of the fridge. Then she wanted some pictures of herself with me. We stood in front of the bathroom mirror, by a vase of flowers, in front of the steps …
I was never so happy to hear a car beep outside. Ben was early. By a whole minute.
“Oooh, good. He’s here! Now I can get some pictures of the two of you!” Mom squealed.
I glanced at Dad. “Don’t worry,” he whispered. “We’re leaving by seven fifty, so there won’t be too much more of this.”
“Yeah, thanks, Dad,” I said. “It’s already been too much of this.”
Mom ran to open the door when Ben knocked on it, and he stood there with a bashful look on his face. A dozen white roses were in his hands.
“Come in!” Mom said. “Don’t you look handsome?”
Ben was in a charcoal gray suit with a red tie, and I had to admit, he did look pretty good. It was definitely a “sexay” suit.
He stepped into the house. “Since you said no corsage, Abbey, I got you these.”
He held the flowers out to me, and I took them.
“If I may?” he asked, pulling one of the roses free. I nodded, and he turned and handed it to Mom. “This is for you.”
“Oh, well … I just … I …” Mom was ten shades of red, but she looked ecstatic.
“Awww, aren’t you just adorable?” I said to Ben.
He grinned.
“Let me get some pictures!” Mom said, taking the roses from me. “I’ll just put these in the kitchen.” Before I could hustle Ben out the door, she was back. “Okay. Let’s get some over here.”
She directed us to stand in front of the fireplace, and the stairs. Ben had no problem just smiling through all of it. We took pictures outside, in front of the house, by the limo, walking up the steps … until finally I told Mom that we needed to go pick up Beth and her date.
Mom started to get all teary, and that was when the hugging began. “Have fun,” she said. “Be good. Be safe and all that.”
She clung to me, and I patted her back. “Yeah, okay, Mom.”
“Your father and I are leaving tonight and we’ll be back Monday,” she said. “I’ve left some extra money on the dining room table. Don’t forget to take it with you. Are you staying with Beth or Cacey?”
“I’m staying at Beth’s.”
I made a mental note to tell Beth about our “sleepover” this weekend so that if Mom called she’d know what to say.
“Everything will be fine, Mom. You guys have fun too, okay? I love you,” I whispered to her.
Ben offered me his arm. “Bye, Mr. and Mrs. Browning,” he said. “I’ll take good care of her.”
“I bet you will,” I said, and snorted. But he just grinned at me again.
Stepping carefully, I walked down the front path to the waiting Hummer limo as Mom and Dad waved good-bye. Just as the car door was closing, I looked up. We were directly in line with my room, and I could see Caspian looking out the window.
Something wet ran down my cheek, and I brushed it away. Looking down at my fingertip, I saw it was a tear.
Hastily dabbing at the corners of my eyes, I told myself to stop. I’d be back in a couple of hours and everything would be fine. I’d get to see Caspian then.
But my heart still hurt when we drove away.
* * *
When we pulled up to Beth’s, she was outside, laughing and posing for pictures with Grant. “I guess she went with computer class guy?” Ben said, glancing out the tinted windows.
“Looks like it.”
“Hey, Abbey,” he said suddenly. “You know that séance at Cyn’s the other night?” His voice was low. “I thought that maybe you’d want to talk to Kristen. If you had the chance. But I’m glad you didn’t say anything. It didn’t feel right with everyone else there, you know?”
I was kind of surprised he was talking about that. And surprised that he’d felt the same way. “I thought the same thing about you, too,” I replied. “That you might want to talk to her. I was really glad that … didn’t come up.”
“I think she would have liked the fact that we’re here together,” he said.
“Me too,” I said slowly. “Me too.”
“I still dream about her,” he said softly, a faraway look in his eyes. “I don’t know what that means, but I think it’s a good thing.” Then he shook his head. “Hey, enough of this. Let’s go grab the final two members of our party and have some fun. What do you say?”
“Let’s do it!” I gave him a big smile, trying to push Kristen out of my mind. Trying to push away the fact that Ben was dreaming about her, while I, her best friend, only had nightmares.
We arrived at the Hollow Ball by eight fifteen, and the reception hall was beautiful, done in pale blue, off-white, and silver decorations. You never could have guessed that it was normally a convention center.
Beth looked amazing in her black dress, and Grant was adorable and funny. Between him and Ben, none of us could go longer than five minutes without laughing.
I caught a glimpse of Uri once, holding a can of Coke in one hand, and he gave me a brief nod. I smiled back at him, before catching up with Beth and Grant again. The only thing missing was Cyn, and I realized that I really was missing her.
“Hey,” I said to Beth in between songs. “Do you know where Cyn is? Did she come?”
Beth swayed to one side, with her arms up above her head as a pounding beat started. “Haven’t seen her.”
“Oh.” I cast another glance around. “I’m going to check outside. See if she’s smoking.”
Beth nodded, barely noticing when I left. She seemed to be having a ton of fun with Grant. It looked like she’d made the right choice.
The cool night air bit into all of the more exposed parts left behind by the skimpy material of my dress when I stepped outside, and I shivered. It didn’t look like anyone was out here.
I thought about calling Caspian. To see what he was doing, and see if he was missing me as much as I was missing him. It was almost like I was split in two. One part of me was having a great time
being here with Ben and seeing Beth so happy, getting this chance to have this time with my friends was more than I could have ever hoped for.
But the other part of me longed to be home with Caspian. To be waiting as the clock turned to midnight …
A loud voice from the alley beside me caught my attention, and I saw a girl in a pink dress trying to practically climb on top of a boy standing next to her. The boy moved, distancing himself, and I saw a flash of gray.
Ben?
“Ginger, don’t. I’m here with someone else.”
His words confirmed that it was him, and I tried to shrink back into the shadows. If I could see them, they could probably see me. And I didn’t want that.
“But don’t you want to?” her drunken voice slurred. “I’ve been waiting all night for you. Come ’ere. Just give me a li’l kiss …”
“Ginger. I’m serious. I said-”
I moved out of the shadows then. “Ben?” I called. “Ben, I was looking for you. You promised me the next dance.” I walked over to him, and the girl, Ginger, was practically falling out of her dress. Her hair and makeup looked awful. I had a brief twinge of compassion for her.
“He’s mine, bish,” she said, moving clumsily toward me and trying to stand up straight. “Go fine your own man somewhere else, ho.”
Compassion? Gone.
Ben gently moved her to the side. “She’s right, Ginger. Are you going to be okay out here?”
“You’re leaving me? Leaving all of this?” She looked outraged, but still managed to flounce her hair. “Fine. Whatevs. Bye.”
Turning to totter clumsily back to the front door, she left Ben and me standing there. I managed to wait a whole thirty seconds before bursting out into laughter.
“You know how to pick ’em, Ben.” I said. “Another ex?”
“Regretfully,” he replied. “Ready for another dance?”
“If you can handle all of this,” I said with a snort of laughter.
We went back inside, where the DJ was announcing that the next song was “for the ladies.” I turned to Ben. “You ready for another dance, sexay man?” He brushed imaginary dust off the collar of his suit, and did a silly move with his hands.
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