“Do you really think leaving will be the best way?” Larten asked.
“Honestly? I don’t know. Maybe I’m full of shit on this. But I feel like I have a better chance of figuring myself out if I’m not dealing with the guilt of another episode of mistreating you three.”
“You’re not mistreating us,” Cifa insisted.
I barely heard him. For a moment, I’d felt on the verge of an epiphany, as if I’d caught a glimpse of whatever it was that made me so afraid of commitment. But the moment passed, and I was as clueless as ever.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I hate doing this. It’s killing me to ask you to give me time.”
“Then we won’t ask you to reconsider,” Seot said, giving Cifa a significant look.
My cutie-pie Imdiko wasn’t quite ready to give up, even with our Dramok’s overpowering tone and gaze. “How long will we be separated? What if you don’t discover what’s holding you back in a few days? Or a week?”
He had a point. Now that we were this close to being a clan, I didn’t want to be apart from them for long either. “If a couple weeks goes by and I’m no closer to an answer, then we’ll get together and discuss what should happen next.”
“Twenty days?” Cifa groaned. Inside, I groaned too. I’d forgotten a Kalquorian week was ten days long. Hopefully I wasn’t so dense that I wouldn’t figure out what my problem was before then.
“Cifa,” Seot said in his mild but warning voice. “She says she’s going to be our Matara. Don’t make her feel worse than she already does because you’re impatient.”
That straightened out our caregiver in a hurry. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think.” He hugged me close. “Don’t feel bad because I want you right here, right now.”
“Why should I feel bad that you aren’t giving up on such a pain in the ass?” I asked, returning the hug, squeezing him as hard as I could. “Start thinking about what kind of clanning ceremony we can have.”
Cifa’s sharp intake of breath let me know I’d said the right thing. “Oh. Oh. Which ship? Wait, that depends on the guest list. Start putting yours together, love. And there are so many wonderful locations, but it will depend on the time of year. Menus – Kalquorian and Earther food. What other race, Seot? You’ve got so many friends on different worlds because of where you do business.”
No one was really, truly happy that I was going – I reminded myself that was a good thing – but Cifa’s moment of distracted excitement helped us relax and even smile.
There was no shortage of heavy hearts as I packed to leave though. I could hardly believe I was doing it either. I was engaged to be clanned. I was in love. I would spend my life with the three men who made my heart beat faster, who made me feel safe, who saw the best in me even though I’d quite often shown them the worst.
We should have been celebrating. Instead, I was heading out to get my stupid head on straight. I had found happiness and was literally walking away from it. It didn’t matter that the separation was only temporary. It felt like someone was dying.
Probably the saddest part of all was saying goodbye at the shuttle terminal near the port where we were supposed to be vacationing and having the time of our lives. Funny enough, it was Larten who clung to me and Anrel, as if he wouldn’t let us board our transport. “Are you sure you have to go?” he asked me. “Isn’t there some way other than this?”
The brutal need to wail in grief was a solid weight not just in my chest by then, but in my stomach and throat. It made my head ache viciously. Yet not one damned tear or sob would leave my body and ease the pressure. “We’ll be together again soon,” I promised my Nobek in a thick voice. “And then you’ll never get rid of me.”
Even with my reassurance, it took a direct order from Seot before Larten would let us go. By then, the shuttle attendant was gesturing frantically at me to get on board.
I almost didn’t. I’m still not sure where the strength came from that got me on the shuttle and in my seat. I’m not sure how I didn’t scream to be let off when the shuttle lifted into the air.
It was then that Anrel began to cry. She was fed, she was dry, and there was no real reason for her to be upset…except that we’d left those we loved behind. She cried until she fell asleep in my arms. When we landed, she woke and started crying again.
I managed to wait until I got into my rooms at the Matara Complex. Then the stone I’d been carrying in my chest loosened, broke apart, and exploded in braying grief. Anrel and I sat in the middle of our greeting room floor, crying and crying and crying until we were too tired and empty to cry anymore.
Merry fucking Christmas.
December 25
I woke after an awful night. The little bit of sleep I’d managed had been filled with nightmares. Most of them had consisted of me searching for Clan Seot everywhere and not being able to find them. It doesn’t take a psychologist to figure any of that out.
That’s when it hit me, as I sat with Anrel while she had breakfast. Yes, Betra knew me better than anyone besides maybe my mom…but there was another person who knew me almost as well. Best of all, Dr. Feru was actually trained to analyze a confused person’s issues.
“Anrel!” I said excitedly to my once-again sweet-natured baby. “Mommy has an idea that doesn’t suck! Feru is a man, but he isn’t a former lover. And he’s a real psychological expert. The guys can’t object to me talking to him about my problems. It’s honest-to-God therapy!”
She laughed at me from her booster seat at the table, her adorable face smeared with cereal. For that matter, all of her and the table top were smeared with cereal. She was a one-girl food fight. She jabbered with as much enthusiasm as I felt.
“I agree,” I said, grabbing my com. “Feru’s the man for the job yet again. I just wish I didn’t have to wait four days to get an answer.”
I recorded my message to Feru, detailing how I’d found the perfect clan. “But because I’m not the perfect woman, I’m mucking it up,” I told him. “And I don’t know why.”
I went over everything I’d done to sabotage my relationship with Clan Seot. While I was at it, I recorded for his amusement my messy Anrel happily flinging her food. He needed payment for fixing another Shalia emergency. I figured a good laugh at cereal-covered kid might cover the bill.
No sooner had I sent off the message than my intended clan commed me. I answered the vid transmission with, “Great, I haven’t fixed my hair or put on any makeup yet. How am I supposed to convince you to stick with me looking like this?”
They chuckled, though their hearts didn’t seem to be in the attempted merriment. “You know you’re always beautiful to us,” Cifa rebuked me. His eyes were swollen and red. Next to him, Larten looked grim.
“We wanted to make sure you were all right,” Seot added. He tried to smile but couldn’t quite pull it off.
“No. Not even a little bit,” I said. “I miss you too much to be okay.”
“We feel the same way. You look like you’ve been crying.”
“Oceans. I’m better than I was though.” The weight returning to my heart made that statement a lie. “I’m sorry. I really, really am. I’m going to make it up to you though.” That part was the truth.
“Don’t worry about us,” Seot insisted. “But if you need anything at all, including us rushing home early, don’t hesitate to say so.”
“I will. Especially if I get my act together sooner rather than later.” Come on, Feru.
Was there ever a more uncomfortable conversation? I doubt it. Even as stilted and awkward as the next hour was, we couldn’t seem to end the com. Anrel squealed with delight when she realized her daddies-to-be were on the vid projection. Cifa and I both developed leaky eyes over how obviously she wanted to be around them.
Issues or no, I will clan with them. For Anrel, I will make it work, even if the truth of what’s screwing me up continues to elude me.
When we were at last able to say goodbye, Seot told me, “We’ll leave you alone to do what you have to
. It’s up to you to make the next move, my love. Com us when you’re ready.”
“I will. I love you.”
I finally got real smiles out of them. They chorused, “I love you,” back, and I started to cry. I clicked off before I could go full-tilt distraught on the poor things. They do not need any more of my ridiculous drama. Come to think of it, I’ve had enough of it myself.
December 26
I went to the complex’s offices this morning to tell Katrina I was back. The moment I entered with Anrel, she jumped up with a glad cry and a gazillion questions. “Shalia! Anrel! When did you get in? How was the cruise? Was it cut short? I thought you weren’t due back for a few more days.”
She enveloped us in a hug. Naturally, I had to surrender my child yet again to one of her more ardent admirers. But I didn’t begrudge Katrina the attention, seeing as how I’d snatched Anrel from most of her fan base. For her part, Anrel shrieked with glee to see her grammy again. There was much hugging and kissing and babbling for several seconds.
Finally, Katrina gave me a bright grin. “Have you had breakfast? I could cope with some coffee if you haven’t.”
“That would be great. I fed Anrel first thing, but I’m ready to stuff my face. How are you?”
“Busy. Another ship full of the future mothers of Kalquor came in four days ago. This place is getting busier by the minute.”
We went to the dining hall. “Oh, who am I kidding?” Katrina sighed as we queued up at the buffet. “Second breakfast it is.”
I laughed. It was so good to see her again. We got our food and sat down at a small table so we could converse privately. I took Anrel back and bounced her on my knee as I ate.
“Where’s Candy? Still snuggled away somewhere with Stidmun?” Katrina asked after giving me a few moments to shovel food down my throat.
“Actually, they’re still on the cruise. I left early.”
Katrina’s brows rose. “Uh oh. Clan Seot was a bust? They seemed so wonderful. You glowed when you were around them.”
Though I kept my voice light, a throb of hurt set up shop in my chest again. “They are wonderful. In fact, I plan to join their clan, once I work through whatever’s gunking up my good sense. Or two weeks, whichever comes first.” It was my one ray of hope, that I’d be with Seot, Cifa, and Larten again no matter what. That I’d go to them, a clearheaded Shalia who could give them nothing but the best of what I have to offer.
I told Katrina the tale, ending with, “I’m determined to get this right. I’m going to whip myself into shape so I don’t inflict my stupid on them. I’m praying Feru has a clue for me, if not the outright answer.”
Katrina was quiet for some time, playing with her food. I finished my breakfast, chased it with the last of my coffee, and contemplated another cup.
I was about to ask her if she had any idea what might be eating at me, when she said, “It’s always something with you, isn’t it, Shalia?”
I blinked at the anger in her tone. “What?”
Katrina stared at me, her brows creasing as she frowned. “Do you know what a gift it is to be with the men you love? To be able to see them every day, spend all the time in the world with them? Yet at the first sign of trouble, you run off. You did it with Clan Aslada too, just because you got bored with waiting for them to come home from work.”
“With the understanding that I would be going back…which obviously isn’t going to happen now, but I didn’t know it at the time,” I said, my head spinning.
“You keep doing the same damned thing,” Katrina told me. “You got involved with some clan on Earth, knowing you would walk away from them. Then you did it with Betra and Oses. Is that your plan, Shalia? To leave a trail of men behind you while you wail about how awful it is that you can’t keep anyone around?”
My mouth hung open. I couldn’t believe Katrina was dressing me down like that. She left me speechless.
She gathered her tray and stood up. “I’m sorry you feel like you have to ‘find yourself’ or whatever nonsense it is that keeps you throwing aside every chance at happiness that comes your way. But it’s damned hard to feel sympathy for you when I’d do anything – anything – to be with my clan. If you really loved Clan Seot, you’d still be on that boat showing them how you feel.”
She walked off, leaving me sitting there in shocked silence.
I guess I can see why she’d think that way. Katrina really misses Clan Wotref. She’s hurting. I suppose it does seem selfish of me to leave the clan I adore from her perspective. But I’m not being selfish. I’m trying to make things the best they can be for the men I love. Of course I want to be with them! Every moment I’m not is torture…which is why I can understand where Katrina is coming from.
It still hurts that she doesn’t realize that I’m doing my best. Maybe after I’ve reunited with my clan we can heal this rift that’s come between us. I sure hope so.
December 28
I haven’t slept more than a few hours the last two nights. I’m starting to think I might have to throw in the towel and go back to Clan Seot no matter how messy my head is.
I did have one nice distraction today. I met Matara Elwa, Betra’s mom, for lunch in the market. We sat at a lovely private table on the roof of one of the eateries, overlooking the centerpiece of square where the entertainers amused and delighted shoppers. The roof was a delightful place to eat with its carved stone railings, marble-looking tiled floor, and fountains that shot plumes of rainbow-colored water into the air. The food was terrific too, and I made note that I wanted to return there with Clan Seot.
“My friend Katrina thinks I’m being a brat for running out on Clan Seot the way I did,” I confessed to Elwa after telling her all about my trials. “And now I wonder if I did make a terrible mistake. But I’m afraid I’ll damage my relationship with them if I don’t straighten myself out first.”
Elwa spooned some of her warm wedi broth into Anrel’s mouth and laughed at the face the baby made…but Anrel kept accepting the soup she was offered, soon not screwing up her nose anymore.
Elwa smiled at me. “Well, I’m delighted that you’ve found a clan to love. As for making a mistake by leaving when you did…well, only time can tell on that. While I’m not sure it was the right move, I believe you did it for the right reason. Sometimes being in the thick of things makes it impossible to fix them. We do need to take a step back from time to time to get a clearer picture.”
I felt some tension slip from me. If Elwa didn’t think I was a total idiot, then maybe I wasn’t. “I just wish I knew why I feel so much terror when it comes to the actual commitment. They’re everything I could want for myself and Anrel. They love us. There shouldn’t be a problem.”
“But there is. Otherwise, you would be moving into their home and beginning your life as a clanned woman.” Elwa shrugged. “You’re correct to set yourself a time limit, at least. When the two weeks is up, whether or not your emotions are stable, accept Seot’s offer. Maybe discovering the joy of clanship will calm whatever fears are making you so miserable. The fact your men know there is a struggle will help them remain patient with you.”
“You don’t think I’d be shortchanging them by going into it with my head screwy?”
“No. If it’s all in your head, it will resolve eventually. If the problem was in your heart…that would be a completely different matter.” Elwa sighed. “You young people and your relationships. I don’t remember it being this difficult when I was being courted.”
“I wish I could see into their heads. That all the stupid fears that keep coming up could be killed off once and for all.” I shook my head, despairing at my ridiculousness. “I know beyond a shadow of a doubt they’ll be good fathers to Anrel. I know I’ll be happy with them. I know Clan Aslada, as wonderful as they are, are not the men for me. Why do I keep questioning everything?”
“A lifetime commitment is no small thing, even when you’re sure. It’s frightening to know you’re not just responsible for yourself a
nymore.” Elwa chuckled. “If you knew how I’ve gone round and round on that with Betra…well, you have to trust that things will work themselves out. In the end, I have faith you will all do the right thing for your futures.”
I’m glad she’s so confident in me. I’m second-guessing every move I make these days.
December 29
Oh blessed prophets! Feru messaged me…and he figured it out! He knows what’s been eating at me, what’s trying to wreck my hopes for happiness. It’s me, of course. Just as I knew it had to be.
Being so far away and not able to toss questions at me, to really excavate for the whole truth, Feru was quick to caution, “Now this is only an educated guess, Shalia, based on your history and what you’ve told me is going on. I could be wrong, but you can get back to me on that and we’ll dig deeper as best this delay will let us.”
Shalia's Diary Book 10 Page 21