The Turd is already in the ring when I come down the aisle with Dan pushin hissef along behin me. The Turd is runnin aroun the ring makin faces at the crowd an damn if he don't actually look somethin like a turd in that body stockin. Anyhow, I climbed up in the ring an the referee get us together an say, "Okay, boys, I want a good clean match here—no gougin eyes or hittin below the belt or bitin or scratchin or any kind of shit like that. I nod an say, "Uh-huh," an The Turd be glarin at me fiercely.
When the bell rung, me an The Turd be circlin each other an he reached out with his foot to trip me but missed an I grapped him by the shoulders an slung him into the ropes. It was then I foun out he have greased hissef up with some kinda slippery shit that make him hard to hold on to. I tried to grap him aroun his waist but he shot out from my hans like a eel. I took a holt of his arm, but he squished away from that too, an be grinnin an laughin at me.
Then he come runnin at me head on to butt me in the stomach but I stepped aside an The Turd go flyin thru the ropes an land in the front row. Everbody be booin an catcallin him, but he climbed on back up in the ring an brung with him a foldup chair. He start chasin me aroun with the chair an since I got nothin to defend mysef with, I start to run away. But The Turd, he hit me in the back with the chair, an let me tell you, that hurt. I tried to get the chair away from him, but he conked me on the head with it, an I was in a corner an there wadn't no place to hide. Then he kicked me in the shin an when I bend over to hole my shin, he kick me in the other shin.
Dan is settin on the ring apron yellin at the referee to make The Turd put down the chair, but it ain't doin no good. The Turd hit me four or five times with the chair an knock me down an get on top of me an grap my hair an start bangin my head on the floor. Then he grap holt to my arm an begun twistin my fingers. I look over at Dan an say, "What the hell is this?" an Dan be tryin to get thru the ring ropes but Mike, he stand up an pull Dan back by his shirt collar. Then all of a sudden the bell rung, an I get to go to my corner.
"Listen," I says, "this bastid is tryin to kill me, beatin me on the head with a chair an all. I is gonna have to do somethin bout it."
"What you is gonna do is lose," Mike say. "He ain't tryin to hurt you—he is just tryin to make it look good."
"It sure don't feel good," I say.
"Jus stay in there for a few more minutes an then let him pin you down," Mike says. "Remember, you is makin five hundrit dollars for comin here an losin—not winnin."
"He hits me with that chair again, I don't know what I'm gonna do," I says. I am lookin out in the audience an there is Jenny lookin upset an embarrassed. I am beginnin to think this is not the right thing to do.
Anyhow, the bell rung again an out I go. The Turd try to grap me by the hair but I flung him off an he go spinnin into the ropes like a top. Then I picked him up aroun the waist an lif him up but he slid out of my grip an land on his ass an be moanin an complainin an rubbin his ass, an the nex thing I knew, his manager done handed him one of them "plumber's helpers" with the rubber thing on the end an he commence to beat me on the head with that. Well, I grapped it away from him an busted it in two over my knee an start goin after him, but I see Mike there, shakin his head, an so I let The Turd come an take holt of my arm an twist it in a hammerlock.
The sumbitch damn near broke my arm. Then he shoved me down on the canvas an begun to hit me in the back of the head with his elbow. I coud see Mike over there, noddin an smilin his approval. The Turd get off me an commenced to kickin me in the ribs an stomach, then he got his chair again an wacked me over the head with it eight or nine times an finally he kneed me in the back an there wadn't a thing I coud do bout it.
I jus lay there, an he set on my head an the referee counted to three an it was sposed to be over. The Turd get up an look down at me an he spit in my face. It was awful an I didn't know what else to do, an I jus couldn't hep it, an I started to cry.
The Turd was prancin aroun the ring an then Dan come up an rolled himsef over to me an started wipin my face with a towel, an nex thing I knew, Jenny had come up in the ring too an was huggin me an cryin hersef an the crowd was hollerin an yellin an throwin stuff into the ring.
"C'mon, let's get outta here," Dan say, an I got to my feet an The Turd be stickin out his tongue at me an makin faces.
"You is certainly correctly named," Jenny says to The Turd as we was leavin the ring. "That was disgraceful."
She could of said it bout both of us. I ain't never felt so humiliated in my life.
* * *
The ride back to Indianapolis was pretty awkward. Dan an Jenny ain't sayin nothin much an I am in the back seat all sore an skint up.
"That was a damn good performance you put on out there tonight, Forrest," Mike says, "especially the cryin at the end—crowd loved it!"
"It wadn't no performance," Dan says.
"Oh, shucks," Mike say. "Look—somebody's always got to lose. I'll tell you what—nex time, I will make sure Forrest wins. How's that make you feel?"
"Ought not to be any 'nex time,' " Jenny says.
"He made good money tonight, didn't he?" Mike say.
"Five hundrit dollars for gettin the shit beat out of him ain't so good," Jenny says.
"Well it was his first match. Tell you what—nex time, I'll make it six hundrit."
"How about twelve hundrit?" Dan axed.
"Nine hundrit," Mike says.
"How bout lettin him wear a bathin suit instead of that dunce cap an diapers?" says Jenny.
"They loved it," Mike says. "It's part of his appeal."
"How would you like to have to dress up in somethin like that?" Dan says.
"I ain't a idiot," says Mike.
"You shut the fuck up bout that," Dan say.
* * *
Well, Mike was good for his word. Nex time I rassled, it was against a feller called "The Human Fly." He was dressed up in somethin with a big pointed snout like a fly have, an a mask with big ole bugged-out eyes. I got to thow him bout the ring an finally set on his head an I collected my nine hundrit dollars. Furthermore, everbody in the crowd cheered wildly an kep hollerin, "We want The Dunce! We want The Dunce!" It wadn't such a bad deal.
Nex, I got to rassle The Fairy, an they even let me bust his wand over his head. After that, they was a hole bunch of guys I come up against, an Dan an me had managed to save up about five thousan dollars for the srimp bidness. But also let me say this: I was gettin very popular with the crowds. Women was writin me letters an they even begun to sell dunce caps like mine as souvenirs. Sometimes I'd go into the ring an they would be fifty or a hundrit people settin there in the audience wearin dunce caps, all clappin an cheerin an callin out my name. Kinda made me feel good, you know?
Meantime, me an Jenny is gettin along fairly good cept for my rasslin career. Ever night when she get back to the apartment we cook ourselfs some supper an her an me an Dan set aroun in the livin room an plan bout how we gonna start the srimp bidness. The way we figger it, we is gonna go down to Bayou La Batre, where po ole Bubba come from, an get us some marsh land off the Gulf of Mexico someplace. We has got to buy us some mesh wire an nets an a little rowboat an somethin to feed the srimp wile they growin, an they will be other things too. Dan say we has also got to be able to have us a place to live an buy groceries an stuff wile we wait for our first profits an also have some way to git them to the market. All tole, he figgers it is gonna take bout five thousan dollars to set everthing up for the first year—after that, we will be on our own.
The problem I got now is with Jenny. She say we already got the five thousan an so why don't we jus go ahead an pack up an go down there? Well, she have a point there, but to be perfectly truthful, I jus ain't quite ready to leave.
You see, it ain't really been since we played them Nebraska corn shucker jackoffs at the Orange Bowl that I has really felt like I done accomplished somethin. Maybe for a little bit durin the ping-pong games in Red China, but that lasted just for a few weeks. But now, you see, ever Saturday
night ever week, I am goin out there an hearin them cheer. An they is cheerin me—idiot or not.
You should of heard them cheer when I whupped The Grosse Pointe Grinder, who come into the ring with hundrit dollar bills glued to his body. An then they was "Awesome Al from Amarillo," that I done put a Boston Crab hold on an won mysef the Eastern Division champeenship belt. After that, I got to rassle Juno the Giant, who weighed four hundrit pounds an dressed in a leopard skin an carried a papier-mache club.
But one day when Jenny come home from work she say, "Forrest, you an me has got to have a talk."
We went outside an took a walk near a little creek an Jenny foun a place to set down, an then she say, "Forrest, I think this rasslin business is gone far enough."
"What you mean?" I axed, even though I kind of knew.
"I mean we have got nearly ten thousan dollars now, which is more than twice what Dan says we need to start the srimp business. And I am beginnin to wonder jus why you are continuin to go up there ever Saturday night an make a fool of yoursef."
"I ain't makin no fool of mysef," I says, "I has got my fans to think of. I am a very popular person. Cain't jus up an leave like that."
"Bullshit," Jenny say. "What you callin a 'fan,' an what you mean by 'popular'? Them people is a bunch of screwballs to be payin money to watch all that shit. Bunch of grown men gettin up there in they jockstraps an pretendin to hurt each other. An whoever heard of people callin theyselfs 'The Vegetable,' or 'The Turd,' an such as that—an you, callin yoursef 'The Dunce'!"
"What's wrong with that?" I axed.
"Well how do you think it makes me feel, the feller I'm in love with bein known far an wide as 'The Dunce,' an makin a spectacle of hissef ever week—an on television, too!"
"We get extra money for the television," I says.
"Screw the extra money," Jenny says. "We don't need no extra money!"
"Whoever heard of nobody didn't need any extra money?" I say.
"We don't need it that bad," Jenny say. "I mean, what I want is to find a little quiet place for us to be in an for you to get a respectable job, like the srimp business—for us to get us a little house maybe an have a garden an maybe a dog or somethin—maybe even kids. I done had my share of fame with The Cracked Eggs, an it didn't get me nowhere. I wadn't happy. I'm damned near thirty-five years old. I want to settle down...."
"Look," I says, "it seem to me that I oughta be the one what say if I quit or not. I ain't gonna do this forever—jus till it is the right time."
"Well I ain't gonna wait aroun forever, neither," Jenny say, but I didn't believe she meant it.
20
I HAD A COUPLE OF MATCHES AFTER THAT AN WON BOTH OF them, naturally, an then Mike call Dan an me in his office one day an says, "Look here, this week you are gonna rassle The Professor."
"Who is that?" Dan axed.
"He comes from California," says Mike, "an is pretty hot stuff out there. He is runner up to the Western Division champion."
"Okay by me," I say.
"But there is just one other thing," say Mike. "This time, Forrest, you got to lose."
"Lose?" I says.
"Lose," say Mike. "Look, you been winnin ever week for months an months. Don't you see you got to lose ever once in a wile to keep up your popularity?"
"How you figger that?"
"Simple. People like a underdog. Makes you look better the nex time."
"I don't like it," I say.
"How much you payin?" Dan axed.
"Two thousan."
"I don't like it," I says again.
"Two thousan's a lot of money," Dan say.
"I still don't like it," I says.
* * *
But I took the deal.
Jenny is been actin sort of peculiar lately, but I put it down to nerves or somethin. Then one day she come home an say, "Forrest, I'm at the end of my rope. Please don't go out there an do this."
"I got to," I says. "Anyhow, I is gonna lose."
"Lose?" she say. I splain it to her jus like Mike splain it to me, an she say, "Awe shit, Forrest, this is too much."
"It's my life," I says—whatever that meant.
Anyway, a day or so later, Dan come back from someplace an says him an me got to have a talk.
"Forrest, I think I got the solution to our problems."
I axed what it was.
"I think," says Dan, "we better be bailin out of this business pretty soon. I know Jenny don't like it, an if we are gonna start our srimp thing, we best be on bout it. But," he say, "I think I got a way to bail out an clean up at the same time."
"How's that?" I axed.
"I been talkin to a feller downtown. He runs a bookie operation an the word is out you gonna lose to The Professor this Saturday."
"So?" I says.
"So what if you win?"
"Win?"
"Kick his ass."
"I get in trouble with Mike," I says.
"Screw Mike," Dan say. "Look, here's the deal. Spose we take the ten thousan we got an bet it on you to win? Two-to-one odds. Then you kick his ass an we got twenty grand."
"But I'll be in all sorts of trouble," I says.
"We take the twenty grand an blow this town," Dan say. "You know what we can do with twenty grand? We can start one hell of a srimp business an have a pile left over for ourselves. I'm thinkin maybe it's time to get out of this rasslin stuff anyway."
Well, I'm thinkin Dan is the manager, an also that Jenny has said I gotta get out of rasslin too, an twenty grand ain't a bad deal.
"What you think?" Dan says.
"Okay," I say. "Okay."
* * *
The day come for me to rassle The Professor. The bout is to be helt up at Fort Wayne, an Mike come by to pick us up an is blowin the horn outside, an I axed Jenny if she is ready.
"I ain't goin," she say. "I'll watch it on television."
"But you got to go," I says, an then I axed Dan to splain why.
Dan tole Jenny what the plan was, an that she had to go, on account of we needed somebody to drive us back to Indianapolis after I done whupped The Professor.
"Neither of us can drive," he say, "an we gonna have to have a fast car right outside the arena when it's over to get us back here to collect the twenty grand from the bookie an then hightail it out of town."
"Well, I ain't havin nothin to do with a deal like that," Jenny say.
"But it's twenty grand," I says.
"Yeah, an it's dishonest too," she says.
"Well, it's dishonest what he's been doin all the time," Dan says, "winnin an losin all planned out beforehand."
"I ain't gonna do it," Jenny said, an Mike was blowin his horn again, an Dan say, "Well, we gotta go. We'll see you back here sometime after it's over—one way or the other."
"You fellers oughta be ashamed of yourselfs," Jenny say.
"You won't be so high-falutin when we come back with twenty thousan smackeroos in our pocket," Dan says.
Anyhow, off we go.
* * *
On the ride to Fort Wayne, I ain't sayin much on account of I'm kinda embarrassed bout what I'm fixin to do to ole Mike. He ain't treated me so badly, but on the other han, as Dan have splained, I has made a lot of money for him too, so it gonna come out aroun even.
We get to the arena an the first bout is already on—Juno the Giant is gettin the hell kicked out of him by The Fairy. An nex up is a tag team match between lady midgets. We gone on into the dressin room an I put on my diapers an dunce cap. Dan, he get somebody to dial the number of the taxicab company an arrange for a cab to be there outside with its motor runnin after my match.
They beat on my door an it's time to go on. Me an The Professor is the feature bout of the evenin.
He is already there in the ring when I come out. The Professor is a little wiry guy with a beard an wearin spectacles an he have on a black robe an morter-board hat. Damn if he don't look like a professor at that. I decided right then to make him eat that hat.
&nbs
p; Well, I climb on up in the ring an the announcer say, "Ladies an Gentlemen." At this there be a lot of boos, an then he say, "We is proud tonight to have as our main attraction for the North American Professional Rasslin Association title bout two of the top contenders in the country—The Professor versus The Dunce!"
At this, they is so much booin an cheerin that it is impossible to say if the crowd is happy or angry. It don't matter nohow, cause then the bell ring an the match is on.
The Professor has taken off his robe, glasses, an the morter-board hat an is circlin me, shakin his finger at me like I'm bein scolded. I be tryin to grap a holt of him, but ever time, he jump out of the way an keep shakin his finger. This go on for a minute or two an then he make a mistake. He run aroun behin me an try to kick me in the ass, but I done snatched a holt of him by the arm an slung him into the ropes. He come boundin off the ropes like a slingshot ball an as he go past me I trip him up an was bout to pounce on him with the Bellybuster maneuver, but he done scrambled out of the way to his corner an when I look up, he is got a big ole ruler in his han.
He be whoppin the ruler in his palm like he gonna spank me with it, but instead, when I grapped for him this time, he done jam the ruler in my eye, like to gouge it out. I'll tell you this—it hurt, an I was stumblin aroun tryin to get my sight back when he run up behin me an put somethin down my diapers. Didn't take long to find out what it was—it was ants! Where he got them, lord knows, but the ants commence to bitin me an I was in a awful fix.
Dan is there, hollerin for me to finish him off, but it ain't no easy thing with ants in your pants. Anyhow, the bell rung an that was the end of the roun an I go on back to my corner an Dan be tryin to get the ants out.
"That was a dirty trick," I say.
"Just finish him," Dan says, "we can't afford no screwups."
The Professor come out for the secont round an be makin faces at me. Then he get close enough for me to snatch him up an I lifted him over my head an begun doin the Airplane Spin.
I spinned him aroun bout forty or fifty times till I was pretty sure he was dizzy an then heaved him hard as I could over the ropes into the audience. He land up in bout the fifth row of bleachers in the lap of a ole woman who is knittin a sweater, an she start beatin him with a umbrella.
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