After he done hung up, I axed why they want to know if I can swim, an Mister Tribble say he don't know, but he recon we will find out when we get there.
* * *
The movie lot we gone to is a different place than the other one, an we was met at the gate by a guard that took us to where the screen test is bein helt. Mister Felder is there arguin with a lady that actually look somethin like Raquel Welch, but when he seen me, he is all smiles.
"Ah, Forrest," he say, "terrific you came. Now what I want you to do is go thru that door to Makeup and Costuming, and then they will send you back out when they are finished."
So I gone on thru the door an there is a couple of ladies standin there an one of em say, "Okay, take off your clothes." Here I go again, but I do as I am tole. When I get thru takin off my clothes, the other lady han me this big blob of rubber-lookin clothes with scales an shit all over it an funny-lookin webbed feet an hans. She say to put it on. It take the three of us to get me in the thing but after bout a hour we manage. Then they point me in the direction of Makeup an I is tole to set in a chair wile a lady an a feller commence to jam down this big rubber mask over my head an fit it to the costume an start paintin over the lines where it showed. When they is thru, they say for me to go back out to the movie set.
I can hardly walk on account of the webbed feet an it is hard to get the door open with a webbed han, but finally I do an I suddenly find myself in a outdoor place with a big lake an all sorts of banana trees an tropical-lookin shit. Mister Felder is there an when he seen me, he jump back an say, "Terrific, baby! You is perfect for the part!"
"What part is that?" I axed, an he say, "Oh, didn't I tell you? I am doing a remake of The Creature from the Black Lagoon." Even a idiot like me could guess what part he have in mind for me to play.
Mister Felder motion for the lady he had been arguin with to come over. "Forrest," he say, "I want you to meet Raquel Welch."
Well, you coudda knocked me over with a feather! There she were, all dressed up in a low-cut gown an all. "Please to meet you," I says thru the mask, but Raquel Welch turn to Mister Felder lookin mad as a hornet.
"What'd he say? Something about my tits, wasn't it!"
"No, baby, no," say Mister Felder. "He just said he was glad to meet you. You can't hear him too well because of that mask he's got on."
I stuck out my webbed han to shake hans with her, but she jump back about a foot, an say, "Uggh! Let's get this goddamn thing over with."
Anyhow, Mister Felder say the deal is this: Raquel Welch is to be flounderin in the water an then she faints, an then I am to come up from under her an pick her up an carry her outta the water. But when she revives, she looks up at me an is scared an commences to scream, "Put me down! Help! Rape!" an all that shit.
But, Mister Felder say, I am not to put her down, cause some crooks is sposed to be chasin us; instead, I am to carry her off into the jungle.
Well, we tried the scene, an the first time we done it, I thought it come off pretty well, an it is really excitin to actually be holdin Raquel Welch in my arms, even tho she be hollerin, "Put me down! Help, police!" an so on.
But Mister Felder say that ain't good enough, an for us to do it again. An that wadn't good enough either, so we be doin that same scene bout ten or fifteen times. In between doin the scene, Raquel Welch is crabbin an bitchin an cussin at Mister Felder, but he just kep on sayin, "Beautiful, baby, beautiful!" an that sort of thing.
Mysef, I'm startin to have a real problem tho. On account of I been in the creature suit nearly five hours now, an they ain't no zipper or nothin to pee thru, an I'm bout to bust. But I don't wanta say nothin bout that, cause this is a real movie an everthin, an I don't want to make nobody mad.
But I gotta do somethin, so's I decide that the nex time I get in the water, I will jus pee in the suit, an it will run out my leg or somethin into the lagoon. Well, Mister Felder, he say, "Action!" an I go in the water an start to pee. Raquel Welch be flounderin aroun an then she faints, an I dive under an grap her an haul her onto shore.
She wakes up an start to beatin on me an hollerin, "Help! Murder! Put me down!" an all, but then she suddenly stop hollerin an she say, "What is that smell?"
Mister Felder holler, "Cut!" an he stand up an say, "What was that you said, baby? That ain't in the script."
An Raquel Welch say, "Shit on the script! Somethin stinks aroun here!" Then she suddenly look at me an say, "Hey, you—whoever you are—did you take a leak?"
I was so embarrassed, I did not know what to do. I just stood there for a secont, holdin her in my arms, an then I shake my head an say, "Uh uh."
It was the first lie I ever tole in my life.
"Well somebody sure did," she say, "cause I know pee when I smell it! An it wadn't me! So it has to be you! How dare you pee on me, you big oaf!" Then she start beatin on me with her fists an hollerin to "Put me down!" and "Get away from me!" an all, but I jus figgered the scene is startin up again an so I begun to carry her back into the jungle.
Mister Felder shout, "Action!" The movie cameras begun to rollin once more, an Raquel Welch is beatin an clawin an yellin like she never done before. Mister Felder is back there hollerin, "That's it, baby—terrific! Keep it up!" I coud see Mister Tribble back there too, settin in a chair, kinda shakin his head an tryin to look the other way.
Well, when I get back in the jungle a little ways, I stopped an turned aroun to see if that's where Mister Felder is fixin to yell "Cut," like he had before, but he was jumpin aroun like a wild man, motionin to keep on goin, an shoutin, "Perfect, baby! That's what I want! Carry her off into the jungle!"
Raquel Welch is still scratchin an flailin at me an screamin, "Get away from me you vulgar animal!" an such as that, but I kep on goin like I'm tole.
All of a sudden she screech, "Oh my god! My dress!"
I ain't noticed it till now, but when I look down, damn if her dress ain't caught on some bush back there an done totally unravel itself, Raquel Welch is butt neckid in my arms!
I stopped an said, "Uh oh," an started to turn aroun to carry her back, but she begin shriekin, "No, no! You idiot! I can't go back there like this!"
I axed what she wanted me to do, an she say we gotta find someplace to hide till she gets things figgered out. So I keep on goin deeper into the jungle when all of a sudden out of noplace come a big object thru the trees, swingin towards us on a vine. The object swung past us once an I could tell it was a ape of some sort, an then it swung back again an dropped off the vine at our feet. I almost fainted dead away. It was ole Sue, hissef!
* * *
Raquel Welch begun to bawlin an hollerin again an Sue has grapped me aroun the legs an is huggin me. I don't know how he recognized me in my creature suit, cept I guess he smelt me or somethin. Anyhow, Raquel Welch, she finally say, "Do you know this fucking baboon?"
"He ain't no baboon," I says, "he's a orangutang. Name's Sue."
She look at me kinda funny an say, "Well if it's a he, then how come its name is Sue?"
"That is a long story," I say.
Anyhow, Raquel Welch is tryin to cover hersef up with her hans, but ole Sue, he knows what to do. He grapped holt of a couple of big leaves off one of them banana trees an han them up to her an she partly covered hersef up.
What I find out later is that we have gone across our jungle location onto another set where they is filmin a Tarzan movie, an Sue is being used as a extra. Not long after I got rescued from the pygmies in New Guinea, white hunters come along an captured ole Sue an shipped his ass to some animal trainer in Los Angeles. They been usin him in movies ever since.
Anyway, we ain't got time to jack aroun now, on account of Raquel Welch is screechin an bitchin again, say, "You gotta take me someplace where I can get me some clothes!" Well, I don't know where you can find no clothes in the jungle, even if it is a movie set, so we jus keep movin along, hopin somethin will happen.
It does. We suddenly come to a big fence, an I figger there probly be som
eplace on the other side of it to get her some clothes. Sue finds a loose board in the fence an lifts it up so's we can get thru, but as soon as I step on the other side, ain't nothin to step on, an me an Raquel go tumblin head over heels down the side of this hill. We finally rolled all the way to the bottom an when I look aroun, damn if we ain't landed right on the side of a big ole road.
"Oh my God!" Raquel Welch yell. "We're on the Santa Monica Freeway!"
I look up, an here come ole Sue, lopin down the hillside. He finally get down to us, an the three of us be standin there. Raquel Welch is movin the banana leaves up an down, tryin to cover hersef up.
"What we gonna do now?" I axed. Cars are wizzin by, an even tho we must of been a odd-lookin sight, ain't nobody even payin us the slightest attention.
"You gotta take me someplace!" she hollers. "I got to get some clothes on!"
"Where?" I says.
"Anywhere!" she screams, an so we started off down the Santa Monica Freeway.
After a wile, up in the distance, we seen a big white sign up in some hills say "HOLLYWOOD," an Raquel Welch say, "We got to get off this damn freeway and get to Rodeo Drive, where I can buy me some clothes." She is keepin pretty busy tryin to cover hersef up—ever time a car come towards us, she put the banana leaves in front, an when a car come up from behin, she move em back there to cover her ass. In mixed traffic, it is quite a spectacular sight—look like one of them fan dancers or somethin.
So we got off the freeway an went across a big field. "Has that fuckin monkey got to keep followin us?" Raquel Welch say. "We look rediculous enough as it is!" I ain't sayin nothin, but I look back, an ole Sue, he got a pained look on his face. He ain't never met Raquel Welch before, neither, an I think his feelins is hurt.
Anyhow, we kep goin along an they still ain't nobody payin us much mind. Finally we come to a big ole busy street an Raquel Welch say, "Goodgodamighty—this is Sunset Boulevard! How am I gonna explain goin across Sunset Boulevard butt neckid in broad daylight!" In this, I tend to see her point, an I am sort of glad I got on the creature suit so's nobody will recognize me—even if I am with Raquel Welch.
We come to a traffic light an when it turn green, the three of us walked on across the street, Raquel Welch doin her fan dance to beat the band an smilin at people in cars an stuff like she was on stage. "I am totally humiliated!" she hisses at me under her breath. "I am violated! Just wait till we get outta this. I am gonna have your big ass, you goddamn idiot!"
Some of the people waitin in their cars at the traffic light commence to honkin they horns and wavin, on account of they must of recognized Raquel Welch, an when we get across the street, a few cars turn our way an start to followin after us. By the time we get to Wilshire Boulevard we have attracted quite a sizable crowd; people come out of they houses an stores an all to follow us—look like the Pied Piper or somethin—an Raquel Welch's face is red as a beet.
"You'll never work in this town again!" she say to me, flashin a smile to the crowd, but her teeth is clenched tight.
We gone on a bit further, an then she say, "Ah—finally—here is Rodeo Drive." I look over at a corner an, sure enough, there is a woman's clothing store. I tap her on the shoulder an point at it, but Raquel Welch say, "Uggh—that's Popagallo. Nobody would be caught dead these days wearing a Popagallo dress."
So we walked some more an then she say, "There—Giani's—they got some nice things in there," an so we go inside.
They is a sales feller at the door with a little moustache an a white suit with a handkerchief stickin out of the coat pocket, an he is eyein us pretty carefully as we come thru the door.
"May I help you, madam?" he axed.
"I want to buy a dress," Raquel Welch say.
"What did you have in mind?" say the feller.
"Anything, you fool—can't you see what's going on!"
Well, the sales feller point to a couple of racks of dresses an say there might be somethin in there her size, so Raquel Welch go over an begin to look thru the dresses.
"An is there somethin I can do for you gentlemen?" the feller says to me an Sue.
"We is just with her," I say. I look back, an the crowd is all gathered outside, noses pressed to the winder.
Raquel Welch took about eight or nine dresses into the back an tried them on. After a wile she come out an say, "What do you think about this one?" It is a sort of brown-lookin dress with a bunch of belts an loops all over it an a low neckline.
"Oh, I'm not so sure, dear," say the salesman, "somehow it—it just isn't you." So she go back an try on another one an the salesman say, "Oh, wonderful! You look absolutely precious."
"I'll take it," say Raquel Welch, an the salesman say, "Fine—how would you like to pay for it?"
"What do you mean?" she axed.
"Well, cash, check, credit card?" he say.
"Look you bozo—can't you see I don't have anything like that with me? Where the hell do you think I'd put it?"
"Please, madam—don't let's be vulgar," the salesman say.
"I am Raquel Welch," she tell the man. "I will send somebody around here to pay you later."
"I am terribly sorry, lady," he say, "but we don't do business that way."
"But I'm Raquel Welch!" she shout. "Don't you recognize me?"
"Listen lady," the man say, "half the people that come in here say they are Raquel Welch or Farrah Fawcett or Sophia Loren or somebody. You got any ID?"
"ID!" she shout. "Where do you think I would keep ID?"
"No ID, no credit card, no money—no dress," say the salesman.
"I'll prove who the hell I am," Raquel Welch say, an all of a sudden she pull down the top of the dress. "Who else is got tits like these in this one-horse town!" she screech. Outside, the crowd all be beatin on the winders an hollerin an cheerin. But the salesman, he punched a little button an some big guy what was the security detective come over an he say, "Okay, your asses is all under arrest. Come along quietly an there won't be no trouble."
23
SO HERE I AM, THOWED IN JAIL AGAIN.
After the security feller corralled us at Giani's, two carloads of cops come screamin up an this one cop come up to the salesman an say, "Well, what we got here?"
"This one says she's Raquel Welch," the salesman say. "Come in here wearin a bunch of banana leaves an wouldn't pay for the dress. I don't know bout these other two—but they look pretty suspicious to me."
"I am Raquel Welch!" she shout.
"Sure, lady," the cop say. "An I am Clint Eastwood. Why don't you go along with these two nice fellers here." He point to a couple of other cops.
"Now," says the head cop, an he be lookin at me an Sue, "what's your story?"
"We was in a pitcher," I says.
"That why you're wearin that creature suit?" he axe.
"Yup," I says.
"An what bout him?" he say, pointin to Sue. "That's a pretty realistic costume, if I say so myself."
"Ain't no costume," I says. "He's a purebread orangutang."
"Is that so?" the cop say. "Well I'll tell you what. We got a feller down to the station who makes pitchers, too, an he would love to get a couple of shots of you clowns. So you jus come along too—an don't make no sudden moves."
Anyhow, Mister Tribble has got to come down an bail me out again. An Mister Felder showed up with a whole platoon of lawyers to git out Raquel Welch, who by this time is hysterical.
"You jus wait!" she shriek back at me as they turnin her loose. "When I git finished, you won't be able to find a job as a spear carrier in a nightmare!"
In this, she is probly correct. It look like my movie career is over.
"That's life, baby—but I'll call you for lunch sometime," Mister Felder says to me as he is leavin. "We'll send somebody by later to pick up the creature suit."
"C'mon, Forrest," say Mister Tribble. "You and I have got other fish to fry."
* * *
Back at the hotel, Mister Tribble an me an Sue is settin in our room havin
a conference.
"It is going to pose a problem, with Sue here," Mister Tribble says. "I mean, look how we had to sneak him up the stairs and everthin. It is very difficult to travel with an orangutan, we have to face that."
I tole him how I felt bout Sue, bout how he saved my ass more than once in the jungle an all.
"Well, I think I understand your feelings," he says. "And I'm willing to give it a try. But he's going to have to behave himself, or we'll be in trouble for sure."
"He will," I say, an ole Sue be noddin an grinnin like a ape.
Anyhow, nex day is the big chess match between me an the International Grand Master Ivan Petrokivitch, also known as Honest Ivan. Mister Tribble have taken me to a clothes store an rented me a tuxedo on account of this is to be a big fashionable deal, an a lot of muckity-mucks will be on han. Furthermore, the winner will get ten thousan dollars, an my haf of that ought to be enough to get me started in the srimp bidness, so I cannot afford to make no mistakes.
Well, we get to the hall where the chess game is to take place an there is bout a thousan people millin aroun an already settin at the table is Honest Ivan, glarin at me like he's Muhammad Ali or somebody.
Honest Ivan is a big ole Russian feller with a high forehead, jus like the Frankenstein monster, an long black curly hair such as you might see on a violin player. When I go up an set down, he grunt somethin at me an then another feller say, "Let the match begin," an that was it.
Honest Ivan is got the white team an he get to make the first move, startin with somethin call The Ponziani Opening.
I move nex, using The Reti Opening, an everthin is goin pretty smooth. Each of us make a couple of more moves, then Honest Ivan try somethin known as The Falkbeer Gambit, movin his knight aroun to see if he can take my rook.
But I seed that comin, an set up somethin called The Noah's Ark Trap, an got his knight instead. Honest Ivan ain't lookin none too happy but he seem to take it in stride an employed The Tarrasch Threat to menace my bishop.
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