He allowed me to come undone while dodging everything I threw at him before he finally fought his way through the onslaught of knick knacks that were whizzing past his head. “Sunny, stop. Listen to me, please,” he tried, but I just continued with my verbal assault. “Fuck you, you dirty motherfucking piece of shit,” I was screaming when he grabbed my arms and pinned them to my sides. He was close, too close to me. It hurt for him to be so close.
“Sunshine, stop and listen to me, please,” he begged, and I relented. My tantrum combined with the alcohol and news of my cheating husband left me drained. I suddenly felt like my legs were going to betray me and leave me sprawled out on the floor, as a big heaping pile of patheticness who can't even satisfy her husband, and that's when it happened. The anger diminished and was replaced by pain and tears. I sat before I fell down.
I took a deep breath and readied myself for what he was about to say. “Go ahead, Matt.”
“I don't know what happened, Sunny. I love you and our little family. I really do but we have grown apart. I know it's no excuse for me not keeping my dick in my pants. I want you to know it only happened once and will never happen again. I felt sick after it happened. All I could think about was how much I fucked up, how horrible it would be to tell you and how hard it would be to see that look on your face. It did remind me though, Sunny. It reminded me why I married you in the first place.”
“Obligation,” I interrupted
“No, not a fucking obligation. I love you, Sunshine! I am so fucking sorry. I've never fucked up so bad in my entire life and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you can just forgive me.”
“When did this little affair happen?” I asked. I don't know why it mattered. I had to know if he'd been lying to me all along or if this was truly a one-time thing. It wouldn't change how I felt. It wouldn't change our future, but I needed to know he'd loved me at some point.
“Last night,” he responded and I searched his deep brown eyes for a sign that he was lying, but I couldn't find one. He was telling the truth. I knew Matt almost better than I knew myself. He was one of the most honest people I knew. He was apparently a cheater, but an honest cheater. I hated his honesty in that moment. His honesty sliced through me like a dull sword leaving my insides exposed and raw.
“With who?” Again, I don't know why I needed to know, but I did. My brain was chaotic with wonder. Was she prettier than me? Did her body bear the marks of carrying a child like mine? Was she blonde? Was she younger? Older? Did she screw better?
“Keely,” he replied and I could hear the shame in his voice. His obvious shame did weird things to me. Made me feel angry and happy at the same time. Of all the people for Matt to end his marriage over, Keely was our town's whore. It was her specialty to lure married men into her bed. She thrived on breaking up marriages. She was a first class bitch. I was at a loss for words. Matt screwed the town whore. Fucking fantastic!
“I'm sorry. I was lonely and I needed some human contact other than Elijah. I needed to feel a woman's touch. It's been so long for us.” He sounded truly remorseful. I almost felt sorry for him. Almost.
I understood what he was saying though. I'd felt that a lot recently which was why my mother had my son for the night. I felt lonely and horny. I arranged for my mother to babysit so I could fuck my husband. My husband felt lonely and horny, so he fucked the town whore instead. I was stunned and didn't know whether I should laugh or cry or kick his ass or make love to him one last time.
“Did you use protection because you know that woman is a fucking whore and probably carries a shit ton of diseases?” I asked, and he shook his head ‘yes’. At least he wasn't a complete moron. The next words out of my mouth surprised Matt and me. “Okay, now take me to bed before this buzz wears off and I realize screwing my cheating husband is a bad idea,” I ordered him as I walked towards our bedroom, leaving my heart and dignity on the floor where they'd fallen.
“What? Are you sure?” He asked, shocked. “I don't think that's a good idea.”
“Why not? Am I not sexy enough for you?” I asked with my back to him. I couldn't turn to face him. I didn't want him to see my tears. He didn't deserve to see them.
“Sunny, you have always been sexy to me. That's not why. I just fucked shit up for us real bad. I know that. I just don't know if having sex is the way to fix it.” I heard his footsteps coming towards me.
“You said you wanted human contact didn't you?” I asked.
“Well, yeah,” he began and I felt his body behind me.
“Do you crave my touch anymore?”
“I always have, Sunny. You know that. Are you sure this is what you want?” He asked, and I felt his hands on my shoulders now. I heard the sob in his words. I knew he was sorry, but I didn't care. I needed to feel him. I needed to know he wanted to feel me.
“Yes, Matt, because like you I've been lonely too. I've craved a man's touch. The only difference is it was only your touch I craved and I still do. I'm just drunk enough to do it without thinking too much about what you've done. You say you love me and that you’re attracted to me so please show me you still love me. Make this feeling of rejection and hurt go away. Please, Matt.” I walked away from him, into the darkness of our bedroom where we made love for the last time.
The next morning I asked for a divorce, and he begrudgingly gave in. Three months later, on the day our divorce was finalized, I found out I was pregnant again. What are the odds? We went through with the divorce anyway, at my insistence. I forgave him and I loved him, but I didn't trust him, so I knew it would never work. The cycle would repeat so now he's my best friend, and we are a happy family, just one where Mommy and Daddy don't live together, and it works for us. Usually.
“So, Sunshine, you dating anyone yet?” He asked nonchalantly while making funny faces at our baby girl. And that's one of the times it doesn't work, when he starts asking about my love life, or lack thereof. I've been on a few dates since Danica was born and briefly had a relationship with a mutual friend, but nothing clicked. I honestly don't have the desire or the energy for that kind of relationship. I'm content with my life, at least that's what I always tell myself, and I'm pretty sure it's true. I hate when he asks about it though. Matt has continued courting me since we divorced. His courting is probably why we are able to remain friends but times like this make our friendship awkward. The fact is, I'm still very much in love with my ex-husband-baby-daddy, and the few guys I dated just didn't measure up to Matt, but I can't tell him that. I can't go there again. As much as I love him, I can't trust him.
“No, not dating anyone at the moment, you?” I settle on and cringe when I see his face light up at the word 'no'. He's holding Danica, smiling. “You hear that, baby girl, Mommy doesn't have a boyfriend. There's hope for us,” he says, and she giggles and smiles her best toothy smile. Watching them I'm reminded how much she resembles her daddy. They both have giant blue eyes that melt your heart and honey colored hair, except Danica's is curly like mine.
“No, Matt, there is not a chance for us but you know that because I've said it a thousand times. I love you. You're my best friend but that's all we can be.”
“Yeah, yeah. You keep saying that but I'll change your mind. Trust me.” He flashes me his own toothy smile. I love that smile. I have to look away because I feel myself flush, and I don't want him to see the effect he still has on me. I hear him chuckle and know he's already seen it.
“Hey, you got a new tatt,” I say and point at his arm. Matt loves tattoos, and they looked great on his toned arms. You'd never know the man's body was almost completely covered from the neck down, but he makes sure all of his art is covered by his police uniform. He is very particular about the art he puts on his body though. All of his tattoos have meaning and are stunning. However, I was surprised to see the new one. There wasn't a lot of blank skin left on his arms.
“Oh yeah, it's one of my favorites.” He lifts his arm to give me a better look. It is beautiful but made
me nauseous. “Really, Matt? That's permanent you know?”
“It's not your name, well it is, but on the off chance you don't forgive me and I fall madly in love with another woman, well they would never have to know its meaning. This is the thing. You are my Sunshine, even if you're not technically mine. We will always be connected. I will always love you. This tatt is permanent just like you. I put a lot of thought into it. Both the kids have theirs. I have one for my mom and dad. It's only fitting I have one for you. At least it's not a bleeding heart.” He flashed the cockiest smile at me just before I smacked his arm. “You hit like a girl, Sunny.” He laughed at me while I shook the pain that was radiating through my hand.
“It's beautiful, Matt,” I say, and I mean it. I offer him a smile. It's a beautiful sun but the face in the middle kind of looks like mine. Around the sun are the words You are my Sunshine. Matt used to sing that song to me saying I was his sunshine. Cheesy? Maybe, but I loved it when he sang to me, and I love his tattoo. He's right. We are stuck together forever, but only as friends, and I'm okay with that.
“Did you hear they found another body?” He asked, and I could hear the strain in his voice. He tried to keep it light while he held Danica. “Looks like we have another murder on our hands,” he said, smiling at Danica but not looking at me. He was trying to keep me from freaking out by showing me he was calm. In control. I knew him though, and this was weighing heavily on his mind. The murder stuff happens in the city not in our little town of Lincoln. Our town is a small, quiet, and quaint town just outside the city of Portland, Oregon. We were nestled at the base of Mt. Hood with a population of maybe 15,000 people. At least that's what it used to be. The past few years had brought the occasional city dweller to our town, looking to escape the fast life city living offered. About six months ago a big city developer bought some of the land at the edge of town and was preparing to bulldoze the trees to build one of those cookie cutter subdivisions. The people in Lincoln were pissed and let everyone who's everyone who’s anyone know about it. In the end, it didn't matter, money wins.
The first murder was about four months ago and was, so far, considered an isolated incident. They had no suspect or lead to go on so the case had been put to the side. Maybe now with another supposed murder they wouldn’t consider it isolated any longer.
“Really? Who is it? Someone from Lincoln?” I asked, and almost didn't want to hear his answer. I knew he was being awfully nice with the whole coffee thing today. Matt was generally nice to me, but he seemed to be trying extra hard. Now I knew why.
“Yeah, it's someone from Lincoln.” He sucked in a deep breath and kissed Danica on her forehead and gently placed her back in her stroller. She'd fallen asleep in his arms. No one put that girl to sleep better than her daddy.
“Who?”
“Keely,” he finally answers, his eyes never leaving mine. His dark stare was intense and spoke words that his mouth could never say. He hadn't had contact with Keely since their affair. I wasn't keeping tabs on him, but other people were and felt it was their duty to report to me. It was unnecessary, and I told them repeatedly that I didn't need to be informed of his every move, but they didn't listen. Dade and Trish, who are brother and sister and our best friends, tried to convince me to go back to Matt, unsuccessfully. Regardless of the affair and the reason behind it, I knew Matt's heart. It's a huge heart. Keely being murdered tore him up inside, his eyes told me so, and I understood.
“Holy fuck, Matt.” I turned away from his stare and took some deep breaths of my own. Granted, I hated Keely, since she was our town whore and the woman who fucked my husband but murdered? Even I wasn't bitch enough to wish that on her, or anyone for that matter.
“How? When? Do you have a suspect?” My words were flying from my mouth. I wanted to hold him. Comfort him, but I didn't. I just sat, shocked.
“Well, it was done in a very disturbing way. I don't want to go into details. According to the coroner she's been dead no more than forty eight hours. A hunter found her body just outside of town in the woods. No, we don't have a suspect yet, but the way she died, Jesus, Sunshine, it's just like Amanda.”
Amanda and Keely were best friends, had been since high school. She was Keely's only friend. I worked with Amanda at the bar. She was little and cute and the complete opposite of Keely. Once, not long after Matt and I split up, he and Amanda were drinking at the same bar. Apparently, she had a little too much to drink so Matt took her home. Rumors swirled, and it didn't take long for word to get to me that Matt was sleeping with Amanda. It wasn't my place to care or be angry, but I did care, and I was angry. However, they both denied it and something inside told me they were telling the truth, not to mention my two informers who seemed to know Matt's every move. I actually really liked Amanda. We could never be great friends, but I liked her, and I think she liked me. I was truly upset when they'd found her body. This was getting too coincidental and scary.
“Matt, do you think it's someone we know? Someone from Lincoln?” My mind began compiling a list of suspects but none of them fit.
“I don't know but we will find the bastard.” His voice was hard, and I could hear the determination in it. While I had all the confidence in the world in him, this was dangerous, and I worried about him.
“I hope so,” I replied in the most encouraging voice I could muster.
“I think you and the kids should come stay with me until we find the sick bastard.” I wasn't surprised he wanted the kids and me at his house. In all honesty, he'd been trying very hard to get the kids and me back, but I just couldn't do it.
“That's sweet, Matt, but my property borders my parents’ property, remember? Plus my dad taught me how to handle a gun. The kids and I are fine. I can take care of us.”
“Sunshine, maybe you're not putting it together but both women are women whom I've been linked to.” His voice wavered, and I knew it was hard for him to say that to me. We typically didn't discuss his affair with Keely.
“You think this has something to do with you?”
“I don't know but I can't ignore that fact and you shouldn't either. Their deaths are probably totally coincidental but we can't be sure. Please just come stay with me. I promise not to push anything and I'll keep my hands to myself. I'd just feel better if you and the kids were with me.”
I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I love you, Matt, and I know you're concerned but the kids and I are safe. I have to get to work. You good here with the kids?” He sighed deeply in defeat.
“Yeah, we're fine.”
“I get off at ten. I'll pick them up a little after.” I stood and kissed my sleeping angel. “Elijah,” I called to my rambunctious little boy. For the first time since Matt arrived, Elijah spotted his dad and came running. “Daddy,” he yelled gleefully before running into his daddy’s arms.
“Hey, buddy. Ready to come hang out with me while Mommy works?” Our son smiled big. He loved hanging out with Matt and I was thankful Matt was such a good father.
“Come give me a hug.” I squeezed Elijah tight. “Be good for Daddy. I love you,” I said and kissed his head.
“I'm always a good boy. Bye, Mommy,” my little man said, his little nose crinkled when he smiled.
“Bye, baby. See you later, Matt. Have fun with the kids.”
“Always do,” he responded and kissed my cheek. To anyone that may have been watching we probably looked like a happy family, and we were, just not your typical family.
Revive Me (Say Something Book 3) Page 8