"What conversation?" he asks. He has a concerned look on his face.
"Please, Ian, I don't want to talk about this." God, this is what I was trying to avoid. This is the beginning of the end of our relationship. I want to crawl up into a ball and die.
"Parker, please tell me what's going on?" he asks again.
"Ian, this is the hardest thing I will ever do or say. I love you so much and I don't want to lose you." Why? Why did I have to fall in love? I don't want to lose him. He looks so upset maybe even mad.
"Parker, please talk to me. If we can't talk or if we can't trust each other, then there is no us." My eyes shoot up to his. "You have to trust me to make the right decisions." He's right. That's it. There is no us. I am alone again I should have known better than to get into a relationship.
Taking a deep breath, I begin to talk, my voice is as quiet as a whisper. "You want to know what my demons are? What my deepest darkest secret is?" My voice has a tone of resignation.
"Yes, you need to let it out, Parker." He says as if that will make all things better, little does he know.
"I told you before; there are things about my past that had happened. I can't explain why they..."
"What is it, Parker? Just tell me, what's going on?"
"I told you that my mother died about five years ago."
"Yes," he says.
"Well..." Tears start running down my face in a steady stream now. Ian is sitting on the bed in front of me, staring at me, waiting to talk.
"Parker, tell me baby. You're scaring me."
I look at his face, trying to smile at him. "I'm so sorry Ian; I'm so afraid," I say to him.
"Parker, damn it!" His voice is stern now. "Tell Me!"
I jump at his harsh tone. "Okay." Looking down as I sniffle. I take a deep breath and square my shoulders, putting on the face. It's the face I have had to hide behind for the last five years. "After my mother died, things were never the same. Hank is my adoptive father. He was so lost; he was lonely and depressed. It was just the two of us in that big house, the house that my mother made so comfortable; it had been... home. But after she died, there was an emptiness, a coldness to it. It was cold, gloomy, forlorn, and quiet God, it was so quiet. Ian is still sitting watching me expressionless. I would hear my dad crying in his room every night. Then one night he came into my room; he was so sad his eyes looked vacant. He said he was lonely and couldn't sleep and he slipped under my covers." I saw the realization hit his face, it turned fierce, then his body as it tensed.
"OH, MY FUCKING GOD!" Ian says. "Are you telling me your adoptive-father raped you? Your father stole your innocence?" I flinch at his anger, pulling the covers to my chin to cover me more, still looking down at my lap. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says quietly. But he still was tense, he couldn't look at me, it was like he closed himself off from me. But shit, he's the one that wanted to hear it, he can listen to the gory detail of my childhood.
The tears are now streaming down my face and I am talking barely over a whisper. "I was just barely thirteen I hadn't even got my period yet. He told me he loved me; that he needed to love me. I didn't know what he meant. And then all of a sudden, he had taken my panties off and he had pulled his down. I had never seen a man or boy naked before. But he wasn't big, it never hurt like it did tonight. He never stopped; it continued and continued and continued." I say in a whisper that could barely be heard, "So on my eighteenth birthday, I ran away from home. I couldn't do it before because I was a minor and knew they would bring me right back to him because I was classified as a runaway. But since I am now eighteen, I am considered an adult and knew he couldn't have me brought back. He doesn't know where I am. When I left, I didn't leave a note or anything; I just left."
Ian sat stone-faced. He looks as if he could kill someone at any moment but his fury wasn't directed at me but at the person who truly deserved it.
"Couldn't you have told someone? Anyone?" he asked.
"Who was I going to tell? I was so young when it started; it was all I knew. As far as I discerned, that's what a father did to their daughters, even though deep down I felt it was wrong. He was my father; he was all I had I had just lost my mother, I know it sounds horrible but I loved him. As much as I hated what he did to me, he was still my father and my only family. It was all I knew. He said he loved me. Would someone that loves me hurt me like that? I was just a kid; parents were supposed to teach children. Was I any different than other girls? Besides, if I told someone and I was taken away, how did I know it wouldn't happen again with someone else? It would be better having him do that to me than someone else. I didn’t know. When I was younger I did try to tell people, but they just didn't listen. So it just continued. On the outside, my father was a great guy, loving father, and a devoted husband. How many men would marry a woman that was pregnant with someone else's child? But the signs of abuse were there, but nobody saw them. No one seemed to fucking care! I stopped calling him daddy and started calling him by his first name, Hank. Most people thought I was a disrespectful teenager that had an attitude. I called him that because it created distance. He's not a dad to me anymore. He is Hank. I have nothing to do with him now. But I was going crazy. I tried to stay in that happy place in my mind where no one could hurt me. Most children of abuse start to abuse themselves, cutting, drugs, alcohol, unsafe sex, the list goes on. I coped by internalizing it, keeping it locked deep down inside me. I've blocked out so much of my childhood. There is so much I don't remember because I've blocked it out. So on the outside I look normal, like any other teenager. But on the inside I am broken, filled with the demons of my past. I had to, that was my only way of surviving. I had made the goal to help children of abuse and to do that I had to survive." My emotions snapped; mentally I was done. Tears started to pour out of my eyes, I was sobbing now. Ian still sat there trying to absorb what I was still saying. You...You're the only...only...person...person I...I have ever told...told this too...too. Other...Other than...than Bridget...Bridget, and I...I just...just told...told her...her. I...I'm sorry Ian; I...I should have said...said some...something to you before...before things got this...this far, but...but when...when I...I real...realized I was...was fall...falling in love...love with...with you...you...I...I'll under...understand and would...expect you...you to walk a...away." I stutter, sob, and hyperventilate as I wipe my nose on my tissue from the nightstand.
I felt like a weight has been lifted from my soul. Ian has taken all the pain I have lived with for all those years obliterating it where it doesn't have control over me any longer.
Ian sat in silence for a while. Then taking both of my hands in his, he pulls them up to his mouth, kissing each one. Then looks me in the eyes and a tear falls from the corner of his eye. "Parker, you are the strongest most beautiful person I know. I don't know how any man, let alone a father, could do something like that to an innocent child. I am so sorry and so mad at what you have had to endure that I could kill the mother fucker for doing this to you," he says sternly. "I can understand why you feel the way you do, because that is all you knew. I am so glad you got out of there when you did. I am so proud of what you are trying to accomplish in your life now." He says in a low, calm voice, “But if I ever see him, I will fucking cut his cock off, stuff it down his throat, then kill the SOB!" he roared. His body tense again.
I looked at him with wide eyes. "I don't plan on ever seeing him again in my life. He doesn't know where I am, and he doesn't have my phone number," I say.
"Good!" he acknowledges.
I get off the bed, start to get dressed in my jeans, taking my heels off and putting on my sandals. I walk into the bathroom and start packing my things in my bag. Ian is still sitting on the bed he doesn't realize I have left the bed, he sits there thinking to himself. As I walk to the front door. Ian comes out of the bedroom, still naked.
"What are you doing? Where are you going?" he asks in a surprised voice.
"I'm leaving."
"Wh
y?"
"Ian, I can't expect you to live with my past; I can barely live with it. I knew this is how it would end eventually; this is why I didn't want to say anything. It's better this way. A clean break. Like pulling a bandage off fast; quick so it doesn't hurt as bad. That is why the song Demons touches my soul so deeply; these are my demons and I will always have them." I open the door slowly, walking out.
"Parker, I don't want you to go! I love you!"
I stop, not turning, as tears start to roll down my face again. "I love you too, Ian, and always will, but I can't expect you to live with my demons." I close the door behind me. I call for the elevator hoping it will hurry. When it finally arrives, I rush in and start pressing the button for the lobby. Exiting at the lobby and walking toward the front doors, the concierge calls to me, asking me to wait. I ignore him and continue to walk out the door.
Stolen Innocence
Ian
I'm confused, as if I didn't hear her right. Not that I have had a lot of virgins, but I know what it feels like. I mean, if she was one, It's not as if I would think of her any differently. I would have liked to be a little more prepared for it so it wouldn't have hurt her so badly.
She starts to cry, but she doesn't want to talk about it. But goddamn it, I can't wait. I need to know what the hell is going on. No more secrets.
We go back and forth until I raise my voice and she flinches. She's crying hard now.
I see a change in her. She sits up taller in the bed and it looks like she's squaring her shoulders looking to fight. She takes a deep breath and her voice is steady and matter-of-fact. She's talking about her mother's death five years ago. What does that have to do with this? Then she talks about how things changed at home and how sad her father was...I put it all together. Fuck!
Oh shit! shit! shit! I sit in shock at what this bastard did to her night after night, year after year. Fuck! She was just a baby and I am making her relive it now. Fuck! Why the hell did I push her? I should have listened to my mom. I feel sick with what she is saying; how she had no one to talk to, no one to go to, and the ones she did go to didn't listen. Shit! Now I get the song and her career choice, and calling her father by his first name. The pieces of the puzzle are all coming together, and the fucker is still out there.
I just sit there, dumbfounded. I can't believe someone would do this to a child, let alone their own child. As I sit there, I get more and more angry. I could castrate him; then kill him.
I feel a tear roll down my face as I tell her how I feel about her, and what I think of her father.
I mull over what I have just heard, It doesn't even occur to me that Parker has slid off bed and started to get dressed. She walks into the bathroom, packing her things in her bag. I haven't even been paying attention to what she is doing. I realize she is dressed and has her bag in her hand as she is leaving the bedroom. I get out of bed and follow her to the living room as she walks to the front door. I stand there naked, asking her where she is going. She gives me some shit story about a bandage being ripped off, a clean break and demons. I am standing there in shock, not absorbing what she just said. I tell her I don't want her to leave and that I love her. She still opens the front door.
She stops, not turning, and says, "I love you too, Ian and I always will, but I can't expect you to live with my demons." She closes the door behind her. Shit! What just happened?
Chapter 15
Demons
Parker
It's after midnight, and although I feel safe downtown, I still have quite a walk to get back to my apartment. I try to take streets that I think Ian will not take in case he tries to follow me. But why would he? No one would want to be with someone that has had the things done to me that I have...I'm damaged goods. I let out a deep breath, walking the rest of the way to my apartment. God, the look on his face, the tears he shed for my pain and then the hurt in his voice as I left. Oh Ian. I don't see Ian's car around so I am right. He probably is just walking away like I thought he would. I climb the stairs up to my apartment.
Something feels off; I don't know what it is, Maybe it's the whole thing with Ian, but something is wrong. The hair on the back of my neck is standing on end. The light in the hallway is dim and blinking. I look down the hall for any type of movement but see nothing. I hurry to unlock my door. I walk into my apartment, turning quickly to lock it again before I turn the lights on. As I reach for my light switch, I hear it. "Hey Sweetie, I've missed you. I've been so lonely without you. I've come to take you back home with me." My heart plummets, I stop breathing and my stomach roll, I think I am going to be sick. No! I'm not going to be a victim again, I will fight this time. I take a deep breath, square my shoulders and put my face on. No fucking way will I go with him.
"What are you doing here, Hank? How did you find me?" Hank was sitting on the sofa, one leg crossed over the other, a smug look on his face.
"After seeing you all over the news at that bookstore, I called them and said there was a family emergency; that I needed to get in touch with you. Little did I know you worked there. It took me a couple tries before I got the right person to give me your information, but I finally got it. Getting into your apartment, well, that was easy. With the security gate lock broken, and the locks on the doors as old as the building, getting in is a snap."
"I'm not going with you, Hank. You can't make me; I am eighteen and a legal adult. I am going to college and trying to forget my past."
"I don't think so, sweetie. You belong to me. We belong together. You don't know how lonely I have been since you left."
"Hank, you are my father; you need help! I am not your fucking wife or someone you were supposed to have sex with. I was a child and you ruined me. You raped me night after night!" I cry out. I find the inner resolve inside me again. Hank just sits there on the sofa while I call 911, as if he know he will be able to talk his way out of anything. I stand tall, squaring my shoulders, looking Hank in his pale blue eyes. For the first time I stand up to him. "No, Hank, you will not hurt me anymore. I will not allow you ever to touch me again or any other child. You are a sick man that needs help." Hank stands from the couch.
I want him so badly to be that man, the father I had looked up to as a small child. I want him to see what he had done to me; the pain and suffering he had put me through. I want him to be the father that used to wrap me in his arms, making me feel safe and protected as a child; when everything was unspoiled. But that would never happen; he was damaged and broken. Who knows how long he was like this. Maybe he was always like this, I will never know.
Suddenly there is a knock at the door, pulling me back to the present as I jump. "Parker, it's Ian. Let me in." He says quietly.
Hank pulls out a gun and I gasp. "Tell him to go away, or I will shoot him. You are mine and you belong to me. If you try and leave again I will hunt that pretty boy down." I stand there in shock. "Now!" he hollers. Hank is now standing behind me with his hand around my arm. Shit, I can't let him hurt Ian, If I have to I will go with Hank to protect Ian.
"Ian, what are you doing here? I told you it was better this way. I told you that my demons would never leave me. They are all around me and it will take me back always." I am hoping that Ian will understand what I am trying to say and just leave.
"Parker, are you saying what you told me earlier is with you?" I can hear the concern in his voice. My heart is racing. I smell Hank's rotting breath and he breaths in and out through his mouth. His clothes look dirty and disheveled like they haven't been washed for a long time.
"Yes, Ian, I can't be with you anymore. My demons are here with me. Please leave me alone." God, he needs to leave so he doesn't get hurt.
"If that's what you want, then I will go. But remember this, Parker, I will always love you. I would still choose you over everyone else." My heart sinks when Ian professes that to me.
Hank lets go of me and is standing behind the door pointing the gun at me now. After waiting several minutes he says, "You have me to take c
are of you. I will always be the one and the only one to take care of you. Let's go," He says, as he points the gun at the door. Where are the cops? I should have heard them by now.
I open the door, walking through it. Hank follows after me. I start to walk down the stairs when I hear a scuffle; fist on flesh, grunting and moaning. I reach in my pocket for my phone dialing 911 again. As I run back up the stairs, the gun goes off. I hear a scream. Before I realize it I am the one screaming. The gun goes off once more. Again I scream. I run to the top of the stairs and see Ian sitting on the floor. He's leaning against the wall and his shirt is crimson with blood. Hank's on the floor and he's not moving. Rushing to Ian, I kneel in front of him, I rip his shirt open; as I hear the buttons clatter on the floor. I look for the bullet hole, I find it on his left shoulder. I rip a piece of his shirt off and press it to the entry wound. There is so much blood. I lean him forward and see there is an exit wound. I press another piece of his shirt to that wound. My muscles are shaking from pressing so hard, but I have to stop the bleeding. He looks so pale and he is so cold.
"Ian, talk to me, baby. Please, Ian! Say something please! I love you. Please, Ian, you can't leave me. We just found each other. God, please! I beg of you! Please don't let him die; don't take him from me." I finally hear the sirens and footstep entering the apartment. I scream for them to come to the second floor.
The police arrive on the floor, and ask where the gun is. "I don't know." I answer. Within a few minutes, an ambulance arrives. One of the paramedics reach Hank first, feeling for a pulse. I watch intently as the paramedic shakes his head no. I gasp. I'm being pulled away from Ian. "No! I need to stay with him! Please!" I scream.
"Miss, let us look at him let us help him." The other paramedic is with Ian and feeling for a pulse. "He's alive, shallow pulse" he says, putting a collar around Ian's neck and applying pressure on his wound, as they lean him forward. "I see that the bullet is through and through." he states. They place him on a gurney before taking him downstairs and loading him into the ambulance. I follow behind them.
Stolen Innocence Page 13