by Lisa Lutz
1 Generally called Crack Mix—it’s that good. Mom keeps the real stuff in a safe in the pantry so Dad can’t get his paws on it. Dad has access to a “healthy” version, which is basically cereal and raw almonds.
2 The combo is my father’s birthday, which seems cruel, if you ask me.
3 I’m not in love with that ritual. I’ve been injured more than once when caught unawares.
4 I think the greatest act of discipline my father has ever shown is not eating the gavel.
1 A.k.a. the SF Opera website.
2 Turns out this was Maggie’s DVD, not Sydney’s.
3 Sure, a bit ironic.
4 Whatever the sentence-enhancer that is.
5 I have to admit that I was pleased this didn’t work. Because that show almost made me cry.
6 Still in business, as far as I know.
1 Later discovered that they were in the trunk of my father’s car. Do not have any idea how they got there. And one had an excellent bottle of bourbon inside.
2 A few years ago I squatted in David’s in-law unit without his knowledge. I was so afraid of getting caught, I barely got a wink of sleep.
1 See pg. 117.
1 If you’re interested in a sampling, see appendix. I highly recommend it.
1 That said, a male impersonator of virtually any female celebrity perks me up.
2 Whatever the sentence-enhancer that is.
3 Their cookies are huge (and awesome), so you can’t really eat that many.
1 Too long a sentence for thumbs.
2 Everybody has a key, so it’s not exactly high security.
1 David gave Rae a Chia Pet as a stocking stuffer. Rae tossed the seeds in the trash, scraped a one-inch slot into the terra-cotta figurine, and used it as a piggy bank.
2 This apparently means that some biodegradable items still end up in the trash.
3 Both parties, however, agreed that with Rae’s limited ingestion of all vegetation, this switch made little to no difference.
4 Rae once asked me the very same question, after locking me in a closet overnight. I couldn’t help but return the favor. (Document #4, if you’re curious.)
1 I would certainly like to know who that is.
2 I’m fairly certain I stole some candy off of her.
3 You might wonder why my father had a thank-you card in his possession that was given to a non-Spellman. Mr. Benjamin used it as evidence of my character a few months later when he was trying to get me expelled for cheating on a history test.
4 L’eggs, I know I’m not the only woman who has done this.
5 Of course I wasn’t making some for myself!
6 In Latin it means “Lost one.” Grammy found the stray dog by a creek or in an old barn or something. Perdita is also the name of the mother of the puppies in 101 Dalmatians, but I doubt Grammy ever saw the movie. I don’t think Morgan Freeman was in it.
3 If you’d like to read more, How to Negotiate Everything will be available from S&S Children, Winter 2013.
1 I’m not interested in your opinion about children and television. Also, SpongeBob can be very educational. At least I’ve learned a thing or two. Though I’m not sure it’s factual. Still, I think it encourages an interest in sea life.
2 Why oh why don’t we have these in every major U.S. supermarket? It’s madness. Australia, I love you.
1 Not stealing!
1 It’s a French bakery/café that already has an unruly line at all hours of the day. Sorry, I’m not going to tell you what it is and make the line longer.
1 It doesn’t matter who says it, it always stings.
1 And, yes, I am familiar with this activity. The powdered sugar part.
2 See Document #1.
1 In truth, I got plenty of culture in the two years I dated Henry Stone and have been to my share of art museums. I like Picasso just fine, for the record. But that’s kind of like saying you like Morgan Freeman.
2 Mr. Slayter was certainly growing on me.
1 I wish.
2 Apparently the most fattening of all T-day desserts.
3 Still better than death.
1 Listen, gingers are no good for surveillance, and I’ve always found them highly suspicious individuals.
1 I promise that is the last time I will mention his name.
2 Which my parents still believed were accurate.
3 Back in his lawbreaking days, Demetrius’s primary income source was stealing and reselling television sets. He purchased a flat-screen with his first Spellman paycheck.
4 She can call the dog whatever she wants. She’ll always be FourPete to me.
1 I lied.
1 Pleased to discover that the locks had not been changed.
1 This means “vacation” in Spellman-speak.
1 If I haven’t mentioned it before, see appendix.
1 Shelly took the liberty of inserting this legalese herself.
1 I swear, every email from you is good news!
2 See David Hayward.
3 See previous documents.
4 Please write your name in here.
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