There is still the issue of her and Jason but every time I bring it up, she changes the subject. I am going to get the whole story today, though. From what I understand, Jason drove her home after everything on New Year’s Eve, but she was still shaken up so he came in to hang out with her a little till she calmed down.
This was a bad idea from the start, because Nicole had a thing for Jason from day one. Apparently, they had a couple or, in reality, about six drinks and ended up in bed. That is all I know and J won’t talk to me about it. Carter was going to talk to him later today and try to figure out what was going on with him.
Nicole walks into the diner looking gorgeous as always. I swear, it is like she doesn’t even need to try. If she wasn’t my best friend, I’d hate her for it.
“Hey, Mads!” She throws her arms around me and hugs me. I miss living with her sometimes. Carter is great, but I never realized how much fun we could have been having because I was too caught up in the Chris mess.
“Hey, Nic! I’m so glad you could come today. I feel like we never see each other anymore!”
“That’s because Carter has introduced you to the wonderful world of sex and orgasms. You know, you should really put hoes before bros sometimes. Even if that bro looks like Carter.”
She laughs and I am so thankful that she isn’t mad at me. I am just learning how to balance friends and a relationship because I’ve never really had either of them. “Speaking of the wonderful world of sex, I want the Jason story, girl.”
Her eyes grow wide and I can tell she is looking for a way out. Just then, the waitress comes by the table to get our order. By the look of relief on her face, she seems to think she is off the hook, but there is no way in hell that is happening. Once we give our orders and she leaves, I turn back to Nicole.
“So, what did the romantic do for Valentine’s Day?” she asks.
She is good. I can’t wait to tell her all about what happened. However, I am going to get her story first. “I don’t think so, woman. I want the details.”
She glares at me like she wants to kill me. “Okay, bitch face, but after that, you need to drop it.”
She looks at me and I nod my head in response.
“Jason drove me home from the hospital that night after we’d found out you were gonna be okay. I asked him if he wanted to come in because I was so wired, I knew I’d be up for a while. After we’d finished our fifth or sixth drink, I knew it was time to put the bottle away. There was no way that Jason could drive home, so I offered to let him stay. I went down the hall to get changed and when I got back to the room, he was already in bed.”
She pauses like it is something that is hard to even think about. “I really didn’t intend for anything to happen between us, but one thing led to another and we kissed. Mads, it was the best fucking kiss I’ve ever had and I wanted more. He did, too, because he told me that all I had to do was say the word and he’d give it to me.”
The waitress drop off our food and I thank her for both of us, since Nicole seems like the next word might send her over the top. “Did I ever tell you that I used to ride horses all the time when I was younger and throughout high school?”
Where the hell did that come from? Weren’t we just talking about Jason? God, I hoped she wasn’t going to make some reference to him being a sex stallion or something like that.
“They say that a lot of times girls can break their…their hymen when they’re really active with sports and stuff. My gynecologist was actually the one that pointed it out to me during one of my visits. She told me I was lucky because whenever I did decide to have sex it wouldn’t be as bad as it is for other girls.”
I think I know where this is going, but I’m not sure if I believe that Jason would take her virginity in a dorm room while they were drunk. He was a player and could be an ass sometimes, but he isn’t like that. “Nic, what are you telling me?”
“Jason is my first, Mads, but I don’t think he even realized it.”
“You didn’t tell him?!”
“No! Truthfully, I trusted him and it just felt right. I thought he’d just know. I mean, isn’t it their job to know? Although, it probably didn’t help that we were both really drunk. When I woke up in the morning, he was gone...no note, no goodbye, nothing.”
I can see how hurt she is. Nicole had wanted Jason for a while and when she finally got him, he acted like nothing happened. I know there is no way J had any idea about Nicole. I doubt he even understood how into him she was. “God, Nic, I’m sorry. I really don’t think that Jason had any idea, though. You should really talk to him and tell him how you feel.”
“That’s just it, Mads. I did. I talked to him a couple weeks ago and told him that I wanted to maybe see where this thing would go.”
I can see her eyes starting to well up. “What did he say?”
“He said that he had a lot of fun that night, but he wasn’t interested in anything more. He wanted to make sure that we’d still be cool, because we’re all friends. I told him that we were fine, but I’ve been avoiding him ever since and I feel like he’s doing the same thing.”
I am going to smack that boy right upside his head when I see him. J and I had talked about his commitment issues before. I’ve seen the way he looks at Nicole when she is around, and I could tell he liked her. If he wasn’t careful, he was going to push her far away enough that she isn’t going to come back.
“If it’s worth anything, Nic, I’ve talked to Jason before and he has serious commitment issues. I see the way he looks at you and I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t want anything with you. I can’t tell you all the details because, really, it’s not my story to tell, but he avoids getting close to people so he doesn’t need to deal with them leaving. Maybe if you show him you’re not going anywhere, he’ll come around.”
I can see her trying to process all of this information. Nicole is stubborn, though, and she isn’t going to chase after Jason for long. “Okay, I can’t talk about this anymore. How are you?”
“I’m great! Carter and I had a great Valentine’s Day yesterday. Classes are rough, but it’s really not anything I can’t handle.” She is giving me the look she gives when she knows someone is bullshitting her. “What?”
“Listen, I understand that what happened on New Year’s was traumatic, to say the least. You need to talk to someone about it. Carter told me that every time he tries to talk to you about it, you change the subject. This isn’t healthy, Mads. You need to get it out. You can’t keep everything inside. I know for a long time you didn’t have anyone to talk to or anyone who cared, but you do now.”
I hate that she is right. Every time Carter tries to talk to me about it, I can’t bring myself to do it. “What do you want me to say, Nic?”
“I don’t want you to say anything, ho. I just want you to talk to me, yell, and get mad if you need to. I want you to stop pretending like it wasn’t a big deal, because it was.”
Most people don’t get Nicole’s sense of humor and probably would’ve gotten offended by the ‘ho’ remark but, to her, that was like calling someone a friend. “All right, you win. It scares the shit out of me. Half of the time I have dreams where Jason didn’t find me, and I imagine all of the things that could have happened. I’m scared to go out again because I have no idea how whoever it was put something in my drink.”
“See, now was that so hard?” I laugh because she’s always had a way of helping cheer me up. “I know it’s hard, babe. I truthfully don’t know how they did it, either. It doesn’t help that they haven’t caught the asshole. What you need to understand, though, is that keeping it inside won’t help you. Carter talked to me the other day and he’s worried about you. You need to talk to him and let him know what’s going on.”
“I know. I’ll talk to him, I promise.”
Chapter Thirty Two
Carter
“Listen, J, you need to start talking and tell me what the hell happened between you and Nicole.”
I m
et Jason at the coffee house today because Maddy and I decided we needed to get to the bottom of whatever happened. For the longest time, I had the same mentality that Jason did. I wasn’t willing to let anyone in, and I just didn’t want to. But, I could see that he wanted it with Nicole. His stubborn ass just didn’t want to admit it.
“Carter, just let it go. It was nothing.”
“That’s bullshit, J, and you know it. I’ve seen you with plenty of girls, and I can tell this was different.” I knew he had commitment issues, but he needed to get over them. Nicole was great, and I could tell he knew it.
“All right, listen, I admit that she got under my skin. I don’t know what it is and it’s pissing me off because I can’t get her out of my head. I don’t want a relationship, Carter, I don’t want to depend on someone just so they can leave. I understand it’s messed up, but that’s just the way it is right now.”
He was such a damn idiot. “Listen, Nicole isn’t one of those girls who’s just going to use you, okay? She isn’t like that, and I think that’s why you’re scared. You know that, if something happened with you and her, it would be long-term. What you need to understand is that it isn’t a bad thing.”
“I know that, Carter. I see how you and Mads are, but that’s just not something I can wrap my head around right now.”
“Well, you can’t use other girls to screw her out of your system, you know.”
“Trust me, I’m starting to figure that out. The screwed up thing is that when I’m with those girls, I’m imagining they’re her.” His phone started ringing and he smiled, but quickly wiped it off.
“Who is it?”
“It’s Nicole. She wants to meet me. I don’t know what to say, Carter.”
“Meet her and figure this out, J.”
He just nodded at me and got up to leave.
When I got home, Maddy was sitting on the couch, watching TV. I plopped down next to her and wrapped my arms around her. “How was lunch with Jason, babe?”
“He’s a stubborn ass. I tried my best, but I don’t know if it did any good. How about you?”
“My lunch was...interesting.” I turned to look at her because I could hear the hesitation in her voice. “Nicole told me about how you feel like I need to talk to you more.”
“Maddy, listen, I-”
“You’re right.” Well, I wasn’t expecting that. “Carter, I’m sorry if I’ve been closed off. I’m just not used to having people to talk to. I’m used to just taking things in and keeping them there. I understand now that it isn’t going to work anymore.”
“I’m glad you know you have people who are here for you. I’m not going to push you, though. Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here.”
“I’m ready to talk.”
I’d been waiting for this. I knew she’s get here in her own time. “Okay.”
“Thinking about what happened on New Year’s still scares the crap out of me. I have nightmares and I don’t wake you up when they happen, but I’m not sure why. It’s scary for me to know that whoever did it is just out there, and I don’t know why they did it or who they are. I get that I can’t keep you in the dark, though. I want to be more open with you, and I promise you that I will.”
Shit, I didn’t even know she was having nightmares. “Baby, I want you to wake me up the next time you have a nightmare. I know you’re scared, but you have me and the boys and we’re here for you. You don’t have to deal with the stuff on your own. Okay?”
She nodded and I hoped I’d really gotten through to her.
Madison
It made me nervous to open up to Carter. The way I was letting people in wasn’t something I was used to, or comfortable with. Nicole was right, though. I needed to realize I had people in my corner now, and I shouldn’t shut them out.
Lately, going to bed was something I dreaded because I was having nightmares almost every night. Sometimes, it would be about Chris. Other times, it would be New Year’s Eve, but the worst ones were the ones from my childhood. My father and the homes I’d been placed in after him were things I was constantly trying to block out.
I crawled into bed and snuggled up to Carter like I usually did, but I felt a little more at ease tonight. He told me to wake him up if I had one. Before, I always felt bad doing that. Now that he said it was something he wanted me to do, I felt more at ease with doing it.
“Madison!”
Why was he yelling? I did everything that was on my list and then I went back up to the attic like I was supposed to. Jim was always yelling at me and Mary just laughed. I walked downstairs and when I got to the kitchen, Jim looked mad at me. He pointed to the counters I’d just cleaned but when I looked, they had ketchup and mustard smeared all over them. “What happened?”
He walked around the counter and stood over me. “You tell me! I come home from work and this is what I find?”
“No, I just cleaned those. I promise!”
He smacked me across the face. “Don’t you lie to me! I know you did this!” He grabbed my face by my cheeks and turned my head to look at the counters. “You’ll get those clean now! I didn’t bring you here so you could have fun. You’re here to make things easier for all of us! If you can’t do that, I’ll throw you out on the streets!”
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Stephanie and her jeans were dirty. When I looked closer, I saw red and yellow stains. “She did it just to get me in trouble! Look at her pants!”
Jim looked at her and she smiled at him. “Daddy, I didn’t do it. I just saw it and was going to tell you when you got home.” Jim’s grip on my face only tightened and he threw me to the floor.
“Honey, why don’t you go watch TV while Madison and I talk.”
She started to walk out of the room, but turned around and smiled at me first. I looked up at Jim and his face was all red. He started to take off his belt. “You’ll learn better than to do stuff like this and try to blame my daughter!”
He hit me across my back and legs with the belt. I yelped in pain every time it hit me.
“You are worthless!”
The belt came down on my back.
“No one will ever want you!”
He hit me again.
“No one will ever love you!”
“Maddy!” Carter was shaking me, and I realized I was in his arms. I was out of breath, sweating and shaking. “You’re fine, baby. I’m here.”
After I calmed myself down, I looked up at him. He looked so worried. “I guess you can tell that I had a dream and it was worse than they usually are. I’m sorry if I scared you.”
“Don’t apologize for that. Are you okay? What was your dream about?”
Could I really talk to him about this stuff? I thought back to earlier today. I needed to let him in. “The dream was about a family I lived with after getting taken away from my dad. Walking into my first foster home was scary. I didn’t know what to expect and I had no idea how to act. I knew it was better that I wasn’t with my dad anymore because he didn’t treat me right. The family I was going to be living with seemed nice enough. Jim and Mary were a married couple and they had two kids. The girl, Stephanie, was a year older than I was, and they had a son who was three. The first couple months were nice, and the caseworker had been coming to check in on me.”
“Once she stopped coming, though, that’s when things had gotten bad. Jim gave me a list of things I was supposed to have done every day like cleaning, and sometimes cooking. I wasn’t allowed to eat or hang out with the family. I did my chores, was given something small to eat and had to stay in my room. He always reminded me that I wasn’t their kid, or their family. I was there to make things easier for them, not to have fun. Stephanie hated me so she was always doing things to get me into trouble. That’s what the dream was about. One time when she did it, I told Jim it was her. He didn’t believe me and hit me with his belt for trying to blame his daughter.”
“Didn’t anyone know what was going on?”
“No. After a
bout three months, they took me out of school to home school me. Jim’s idea of home school was, basically, just having me read books when I was done cleaning.”
“How did you finally get out of there?”
“One time he hit me with Stephanie’s t-ball bat. It had been the worst he’d ever done to me. Afterward I went outside and trashed his car with it. They called the cops and I was relocated. He told them I got the bruises when he was trying to restrain me. They believed him because I was just another juvenile delinquent.”
“I hate all the things that you’ve been through, but I understand why it’s hard for you to let people in. Just know that Nicole, Jason, Shawn, and I are all here for you. We love you and you can count on us.”
I knew he was right. It was just taking me some time to get used to it.
* * *
Today was going to be our first official family dinner and I couldn’t wait! I didn’t remember ever having this when I was younger. The boys and Nicole were all coming over, and I was making dinner for everyone.
Nicole and Jason still didn’t work through their issues, but I was hoping that everything would still go smoothly tonight.
I spent all day cooking while Carter helped me. By helped, I mean tasted everything. Everyone started getting there around five and they all came bearing gifts. Shawn brought chips and salsa, J contributed a case of beer for the guys and twisted teas for us girls and, thankfully, Nicole brought a cake since I’d completely forgotten about dessert.
Things went smoothly for the most part. There was still tension between Nicole and Jason, but that was something they were going to need to work out. There was only so much you could do. Sometimes people needed to find their own way back.
We all sat around after dinner, playing drinking games and talking. I felt like the more alcohol they drank, the closer and more at ease they got with each other. Everyone ended up leaving around ten, and I was so exhausted that I passed out.
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