I told you that what had been a lucrative part time job was looking like something more permanent. I outlined all the ways that I thought it was a good move for me. It’s a career. It uses my natural strengths and aptitudes and supports a way of life that I deeply and profoundly love.
I asked you never to be with Lachie. You jump into the cot with Lachie.
I asked you to break up with Lachie. You didn’t.
I asked you to accept me for who I am and consider the reality of what being with me would be all about. You told me it was a small life and asked me to move to a different part of the planet, and then dumped me when I said I thought we should probably talk that through.
Is that not a fair assessment of what went down, Millsy?
I have said from the beginning that I am just a knucklehead surfer. This is who I am. This is what I do. It’s not like I was some kind of corporate exec and then after five years of marriage I dropped my briefcase and picked up a board. This was who I was when you met me.
You are asking me to change who I am and move away from my life based on what exactly?
What are you giving up for me? Nothing. You can’t even give up Lachie for me and you know, and have known for fcken MONTHS that every minute you are with him kills me.
But I let it go because I’m a fckn feminist and I believe that you should be allowed to have ownership of your own body.
Having been dumped by you, and then further stomped on at every opportunity, I am choosing surfing.
Maybe I have it all wrong. Do I? Tell me the ways I am wrong about this, because I’ve never been in a relationship so full of frustration and humiliation and with so little sex, and I don’t know if I can just let that slip through my fingers if I could have done something to change it.
Friday 11th April 1.02pm
—Totally Brewed Café—
You were going to break up with Fi anyway. You didn’t break up with her for me, so don’t act like you did. Getting into my pants just gave you the extra incentive to complete that bit of ugly business in a more timely fashion.
I never said it was a small life. I said it was a small apartment. I know it’s dumb, because I’m too young to even THINK about doing something crazy like moving in with a guy I don’t even know but I was disappointed that you didn’t ask me. It was just: “So this is what I’m doing next. Where do you think I should put the bed. Against this wall or that one?”
There was no “let’s talk that through.” I started to suggest L.A. and your face shut down immediately. I don’t think you even heard a word I said next. You sort of glazed over and so I just segued into “I need to go back. Can you take me back?”
You want to start a career in production/film and you know a rising star who could help you who does work in L.A. How is that not the perfect location for you to try? SoCal has world-class surfing. What’s not to love about that option?
You said once that you don’t care about the money. That you only care about my heart. Clearly, that is not true. Our relative wealth is a huge problem for you. And it’s too bad, I guess, because it’s something I can never fix. I will always have the safety net of my family’s money. It’s not something I asked for nor am I ashamed of. And having a safety net doesn’t mean I won’t go on to be a hard worker. It doesn’t mean I won’t go on to be successful because of me. And having a career is not all about a paycheck. You should know that better than anyone. It is about the personal satisfaction of having left your mark on the world. I will leave my mark. It is not something that Paul will have bought for me. You don’t buy a mark, you earn it. I already earned my first mark as a matter of fact. A small scholarship. Just five-thousand dollars, but still. Did you know that about me? No you didn’t because you’ve never asked me about my art. Even after I mentioned this very fact to you, you still never asked to see a single bit of it.
But whatever. Even if the money were not a problem, my romps with Lachie are. The fact remains that I’ve been with your friend. Many, many times. Maybe it was a mistake, maybe not. It’s not something I’d take back, I don’t think. And looking back, and having the information that I now have, I suspect the romp you and I had on the beach was simply about conquest, not connection. Remember “Just one minute, Millsy—one gentle kiss before we part ways.” Honouring? Hardly. You knew you would kiss me and I would melt. Those condoms and that blanket didn’t appear out of thin air. That particular alcove nestled out of view? You’ve been there before. You knew it was private. I am not the first babe to have visited the set of Lost. But I didn’t care. And you were great. A real pro. My hat’s off to you Kody, you are a machine.
Whatever. None of this matters. You’re not budging. I’m not budging. So why are we even talking about it. I have to go. Lachie just had a double-shot of espresso and is banging on the bathroom door at the café. He’s rarin’ to go. We have to get back to the hostel now because I have a nail appointment at five, which only leaves us two short hours.
Friday 11th April 1.07pm
—near North Shore, Oahu—
You have not had sex with Lachie. I know because I ask him ALLLLL THE TIME. So much that everyone at the hostel asks him now. Olaf asks him every morning. It’s like this running joke. He cracks the shits.
I will know, because when you do, Lachie will have it fckn skywritten.
Friday 11th April 1.14pm
—near North Shore, Oahu—
Furthermore.
You are insane if you think I would just pack up my whole life and move to LA with no job, no home, no connections.
It’s a totally insane suggestion.
I never said the work was in LA. The work is here. The reason I am being hired is because of my local knowledge HERE. I am the go-to surfer guy. OK, it makes me a whore. I’m fine with that.
You cruise in on a yacht and start making demands that I totally change my life. Can you not see that is insane?
What are you going to be doing for the next six months anyway? School doesn’t even start. You haven’t even chosen a course.
Are you going to be painting your nails?
You want me to pack up my whole life and move to a place I don’t know so that you can paint your nails where YOU want to.
You are insane.
I am so glad this is over.
Friday 11th April 3.15pm
—near Wahiawa, Oahu—
You would have known someone in L.A. You would have known me.
Friday 11th April 3.19pm
—near Wahiawa, Oahu—
There is this fruit stand on Kamehameha Highway before you come into Wahiawa. A little Samoan woman runs it. Whenever she’s open, Yoshi stops and we get a baggie of sliced pineapple to share. Always when we stop, I think: Halfway there. Thirty more minutes until I get to see Kody. The stand’s not open today but it’s just as well. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat pineapple again.
The answer is no. I get it.
I have never suffered hardship. You’re right. Whatever hardship I come across in life, I’ve always just handed someone a wad of money to make it all better. Loneliness. Betrayal. Illness. Loss. Rejection. Fear. Money. Better. Realizing how lucky I am to have this magic lever to pull in life has made the idea of losing you so much easier. Thank you for helping me see that.
I’m glad it’s over, too. I am. Even without all the obstacles, it would never have worked between us. Remove Lachie, and the money, and Fi and all of it, we still wouldn’t have lasted a month.
I’ll leave it by saying it’s been a true journey. I’ll never forget you. I learned a lot. And even if it’s not the way I wanted to say it to you, I’m going to go ahead and say it anyway. I love you, Kody, and I’ll miss this drive to your side of the island, winding through the pineapple fields.
Friday 11th April 3.35pm
—Koa Boxing Club & Gym—
Good stuff. We are both totally happy then.
Friday 11th April 3.45pm
—Koa Boxing Club & Gym—
<
br /> Is Lachie with you? He was supposed to meet me at the gym. This place smells like balls.
Friday 11th April 11.17pm
—Blue Volcano Tavern—
Way back at the beginning you asked me when I was the most sad and when was I the most scared.
I was the most sad when I broke up with Fi. I was sadder for her though. She was my best mate for such a long time and we share so much history. I mean I was sad about her sadness. Does that make sense?
But I will know what happens to her. Her family, my family and Lachie’s family all spend time together. We will cross paths. I am still really fond of her, and when she stops being in love with me she can stop hating me too. Because hate comes from caring, just like love does. One day she won’t care, and then she will be happier. I’m twelve months further down that road than she is. I want her to hurry up and stop loving me.
I am the most scared now. I am scared that you will get on a plane and go away. You’ll hate me and you’ll send me a whole bunch of abuse at first.
But at least abuse is contact. And the stuff you come up with is funny! You’re yelling at me, and I’m reading it pissing myself.
Even when you’re yelling… in fact especially when you are yelling at me you’re telling me who you are and what you want.
It gives me something to work with.
But I’m scared you will stop hating me, which means you will also stopped loving me. Then there will be just silence.
You can’t work with silence. It’s painful. It makes you feel small and pathetic and unlovable.
I am scared of silence from you. I am scared that silence from you means that you are patiently waiting for me to give up and go away. It means you want me to hurry up and stop loving you.
Then next year you will come back to stay on the yacht, and I will still be here, still surfing, still being in love with you, but you won’t even try to avoid me. You’ll just look past me with blank indifference.
That’s what I am scared of.
Friday 18th April 9.00am
—Totally Brewed Café—
You can’t think of a single thing you want to tell me in a whole week?
Silence.
I just handed you a dagger and you thrust it up to the hilt.
Sunday 20th April 8.17pm
—Blue Volcano Tavern—
Two more days. You can’t be arsed flicking me a fckn emoticon?
Monday 28th April 11.12pm
—Blue Volcano Tavern—
Tell me one thing. Tell me your nail polish colour. Tell me what you ate for lunch.
Tell me to fuck off.
Millsy?
Monday 28th April 11.14pm
—Waikiki Yacht Club—
A grilled chicken sandwich and fries. Pink Before You Leap with GelCoat Top Finish.
When I was the most scared. I was five and don’t remember it so it doesn’t matter. When I was the most sad. Last night. Because I slept with Lachie for real. And this time I’m not lying. I was just so lonely and missing you. And he showed up with flowers. Not just one flower but a whole dozen. He looked at all of my paintings and we strung beads in my room and he was being so sweet and goofy and basically begging on his hands and knees. I thought it might rid me of you. That if I was with him, it would fix the huge tear in my heart. It didn’t. The whole time I was just wishing it was you. Please stop writing to me. Please, please, please. I will send the stupid selfies Lachie and I took. I swear to God. I will send you daggers with the sharpest edges.
***
Friday 2nd May 8.16pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
What the fuck are you even doing here? It’s a cruise boat. You hate water.
Can we agree to stay at different ends of this boat? I am staying at the bar end. You are staying at the dance floor end. Capiche?
I don’t even want to see your face. Don’t even turn around.
Friday 2nd May 8.21pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
I didn’t know you would be here. Cristina and Simon asked me to come. They’re dating now, btw. Turns out he’s not a coward after all. His family is having a fit. Anyhow, they thought a night on the town might cheer me. If I knew you and Mr. Dickhead were going to be here, I promise you, I would be at glow-in-the-dark bowling right now.
I’ll stay over here on my side. No worries.
Friday 2nd May 8.22pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
Btw, you might also be interested to know that I have found a miracle cure for my aquaphobia. A Fat Yak mixed with liquid Dramamine. Who needs surf therapy and fancy pharmaceuticals when there’s Fat Yak and Dramamine? I should bottle this stuff and sell it on the internet.
Friday 2nd May 8.33pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
If I could get off this boat, I would.
I’m not over it. (You can enjoy that little nugget.)
If you ever had any affection or respect for me, then show it now by keeping your distance.
Friday 2nd May 8.34pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
What do you mean by Mr. Dickhead?
Friday 2nd May 8.36pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
I’ll do you one better and leave altogether. You won’t have to see my face again.
Friday 2nd May 8.37pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
And where are you planning to go exactly? Are you going to jump ship and swim to shore? You’ll drown in five seconds.
Friday 2nd May 8.41pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
No, really. Where did you go?
Friday 2nd May 8.46pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
Millsy?
Friday 2nd May 8.48pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
Don’t worry. I didn’t pull a Titanic. I’m pretty busted up about it all but it’s not as dire as all that. I told Cristina and Simon I don’t feel well. That the Dramamine Fat Yak elixir has lost its magical powers. I’m upstairs on the bridge with Captain Dave. He knows me. I’ve been on this booze cruise with my mom and Paul four times since I got here. The sushi buffet is the best on the island. You’ll love it. Enjoy.
Friday 2nd May 8.49pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
Good stuff. I’ll send you up a plate.
(No seriously. I want an answer. Why is Lachie a dickhead?)
Friday 2nd May 8.53pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
You know exactly. It’s not enough that it happened, you actually want me to type the words so you and your mate can gloat about it? No. I’m not doing that. And don’t bother with the plate. My appetite has left me again because I’m not over it either. Not by a mile.
Friday 2nd May 8.49pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
What do I know exactly?
Friday 2nd May 9.09pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
Oh, God, K. You would have loved seeing me those first few days. It was wayyy worse than when you went back to Australia. This time around though, I holed up at Cristina’s so my mom wouldn’t ask questions. (I’m learning from my mistakes!) Cristina and I gloved up and held an autopsy of Amelia’s Relationship Corpses. No stone left unturned. She agrees with me that even if it was real, it would never have worked between us and it’s best that we broke it off. And Lachie…egh. Anyhow, I basically built a nest of tissues in Cristina’s bed while her mom shoved rice noodles at me and her little sisters covered me in stuffed animals. But the worst is over. It will suck for a while but I’ll live.
Friday 2nd May 9.11pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
And in case you missed it, there’s a soon-to-be-wild bachelorette party over there in the corner. Some real Bettys and how. (I can see everything from up here on the bridge. Cameras everywhere.) Looks like the bride-to-be and her posse just ordered a cartloa
d of bubbles. You look great by the way. Best looking bloke on the boat. A half-hour from now, you and Mr. Dickhead will have your pick.
Friday 2nd May 9.11pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
But if you want to make things REALLY interesting, shoot for the old ladies a few tables back. That’s something new. A real challenge, I bet.
Friday 2nd May 9.15pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
Gross. No. And I don’t know what you’re talking about with the Mr. Dickhead stuff. Lachie has been at the Blue Volcano for the last three nights totally hammered, shouting the whole pub, spending money he doesn’t have. WTF is that all about? You dump him too?
Are there any other recent exes on this boat? Exactly how many of us did you have on the go? We could form a club.
Friday 2nd May 9.24pm
—Star of Oahu Dinner Cruises—
So you don’t know? I was afraid you did.
You were right about Lachie. He’s a hunter. The day after he got what he wanted—no more like the second he got what he wanted—he Lachie-uncut me. It stung a little but not really. Then a few days later Jac is showing me pics on her phone and a message flashes up “Where U @ dirty girl?” from Lachie. Jac’s face. Guilty as charged. They’d been sexting for months. I felt so stupid. And God, it would almost be bearable if that was the worst part.
Cristina drove over to the backpacker’s.
Lachie, wasted on mead: “You can’t be serious, Cristina. You look like a chick with actual brains!” Olaf: “Eet vas a joke, gell. Gahd, dont yoo gells noh ven yoo are bee-ink scammed?”
All At Sea Page 14