This Heart of Mine

by C. C. Hunter

  I stand there, angry that I don’t feel like I’m enough. I breathe in. I breathe out. In, one-two-three. Out one-two-three. Time ticks past. One minute, two, three.

  Ten.

  I’m almost calm enough to go to the office when a white car pulls up.

  I shift to the right so I can’t be seen, hoping Mr. Perez hasn’t called the office and announced I’m MIA.

  A girl gets out of the car. My chest instantly grows heavy. At first I don’t recognize her. Then I do. “Cassie.”

  She looks bad. Her mascara’s smeared. Her face is red. Her hair’s a mess.

  What’s wrong with her?

  I flatten myself against the brick wall. My heart swells with emotion. Some of it’s mine. Most of it’s not.

  I hear a slight buzz and see the passenger-side window lower.

  “Cassie! I love you,” the woman in the car says. I can’t see her, but I recognize her mom’s voice, from the time I visited her house. “Go to the bathroom and clean your face, okay?”

  “Go to hell!” Cassie storms back to the vehicle. She hits the passenger door. “I can’t believe you’re making me do this. Do you love him more than me?”

  Love who more? I remember Matt telling me Ms. Chambers is engaged.

  “You have to go to school!” she snaps. “Go. I called and they’re expecting you.”

  The window goes up. The car drives off.

  Cassie stands there looking defeated, alone, in pain. I want to step out and offer her comfort, but something tells me she wouldn’t want it. I wouldn’t want someone seeing me after a meltdown.

  I hear a sad sound leak from Cassie’s lips; then she darts to the school doors. But she doesn’t go in. She stands there, as if debating something.

  Then, almost as if she feels me looking at her, she glances around. After a moment, she hitches her purse on her shoulder and walks away.

  Away from the door.

  Away from the school.

  Away from what her mother told her to do.

  I watch her cross the street before I walk back inside.

  Funny how when you see someone else hurting, you stop feeling sorry for yourself. Or maybe it’s my heart, Eric’s heart. He cares more about Cassie than me.

  But as I get closer to the office, I return to my own problem.

  I’m being sent to the principal’s office.

  I’ve done nothing wrong. But it doesn’t matter. Life is one big effing virus.

  When I step into the office, Ms. Clarkson sighs. “We were so worried.”

  Principal Burns rushes out from the back. “Have we found her?”

  I know “her” is me. I’m in all kinds of trouble now.

  “She just walked in,” Ms. Clarkson says.

  Relief flashes across his chubby face. I remember the catchphrase all the kids used to say. Get in trouble at school, and you’ll feel the Burn.

  “Come on back.” His tone is direct, maybe even angry.

  My palms go suddenly slick. I follow him.

  I already feel the Burn.

  22

  Burns settles behind a big dark wooden desk that looks intimidating. His office is decorated in browns and blacks.

  I settle in one of the leather chairs across from his desk and take in a deep breath. I swear I smell fear. Maybe my own, or maybe all of the students’ before me.

  Our gazes meet. My heart thumps.

  “I want to apologize,” Mr. Burns says.

  Did I misunderstand? “Huh?”

  He repeats himself and settles back in the chair. A pudgy guy in a not-so-pudgy chair.

  “We sent the e-mail to your teachers about your condition.”

  My condition?

  “Somehow Mr. Perez wasn’t on that list. Ms. Clarkson explained it to him. This won’t happen again.”

  Maybe I’m not going to feel the Burn.

  “However, if anything like this happens again, you should explain it to the teacher instead of showing a temper.”

  A temper? It’s a slap on the wrist. Not even a hard one, but it stings.

  My phone alarm goes off. It’s 8:55. His brow pinches.

  “Time for my pills,” I say.

  “Of course. Go.” He smiles as if everything’s fine.

  But I’m still stinging. I get to the door. I pause.

  Keep going. Keep going. I tell myself … I wasn’t punished. I should let it go. Old Leah would let it go.

  I’m not her anymore.

  I turn around. He’s focused on his computer.

  “Mr. Burns.”

  He glances up.

  “I tried to tell Mr. Perez. Every time I opened my mouth, he interrupted me and ordered me to sit down. Then he announced loud enough for everyone to hear that he could already tell who the troublemakers were going to be.”

  Mr. Burns open his mouth to speak, but I continues. “Mr. Perez was rude. I didn’t deserve that. Not because of my condition. Every student here deserves respect. It’s him you need to have a talk with. It’s him who showed his temper and his ass.”

  I walk out. Did I just say “ass” to the principal?

  My chin remains high. I’m fretting and smiling on the inside. I’m proud of myself. I kind of like New Leah’s approach. I glance down at my chest. My boobs might be bigger, but that’s not the only thing that grew. Somehow I managed to grow me a pair of balls.

  * * *

  I don’t see Matt until I’m heading into English. I’m running late because my locker is on the other side of the school. Our eyes meet. There are five students between us. He barrels through them, catches my hand, and pulls me out of the hall traffic.

  “Hey.” His smile is wowing. His hand is warm. His touch welcomed.

  His gaze whispers up and down me. Not indecently, just an appreciative glance. “You look good.”

  “Thanks.” I try not to think about the blonde wearing the same sweater. His thumb moves in slow circles across the top of my hand.

  “I can’t believe you got Ms. Milina to change your classes,” I say.

  His smile reaches his eyes. “It means we’re really going to have to study together.”

  “Shit,” I say, joking.

  The bell rings. I want to ignore it. I want to be with him—forget school. But New Leah still follows rules.

  “I should go. But I’ll see you during lunch.”

  “Yeah. He still hasn’t let go of my hand. He looks around, leans in, and presses his lips to mine. It’s brief, but beautiful.

  He hurries off. I don’t. My knees are jelly. It’s a first. The first kiss I’ve ever gotten at school. It feels special. Forbidden.

  It makes all the bad parts of today feel smaller. Tolerable.

  I remember the bell has rung and force myself to move.

  I walk into room 12. Thankfully, two other students move with me, so I don’t feel late. Brandy waves to an empty seat beside her. Trent is on the other side of the room.

  I saw him once in the hall, but I didn’t think he saw me, so I ducked behind a group of girls and moved past him.

  Now he sees me. He’s checking me out and looking sad. I don’t like being the reason someone has sad eyes. But I don’t dislike it enough to go back to him.

  Sandy and LeAnn wave.

  Carlos lets go of a whistle. “Looking good, Leah.”

  I smile. He’s such a flirt. Always has been. But he never means anything by it. I claim the desk beside Brandy.

  She leans in. “How’s everything?”

  I think of the kiss. “Great.” I almost texted her about the whole Perez issue, then decided to explain it later. Now I’m in too good of a mood to spoil it.

  She leans closer. “Does a certain dark-haired hunk have anything to do with that?”

  “Maybe.” A smile bubbles out of me.

  She grins. “Matt said he changed his schedule to be in your classes. He’s so into you.”

  I love hearing that, but I’m shocked. “You’ve seen him?”

  “I have four
… I had four classes with him before he changed them. He sat beside me. You should have seen the looks on the snooty girls’ faces.”

  I like that Matt’s being nice to my best friend. I realize I should do the same with his friends. Problem is, I don’t know them well enough to be nice to them.

  “Oh. Mr. Applegate agreed that the book club can meet in here during lunch. So we’ll grab food and eat in here.”

  I shake my head. “I can’t. I’m meeting Matt for lunch.”

  Brandy makes a face. “Hmm … a hot guy or the book club? Good choice.”

  “Thanks.”

  “But I should warn you. If you’re not here, you won’t get a say on the next six books we read.”

  “I’ll pick something later.” I’ve gotten good at speaking up.

  “No. It’s a rule. People who don’t show for the first meeting don’t get to vote.”

  “Who set those rules?” I’m again questioning if I want to be in the book club.

  “Sandy and LeAnn.” Brandy’s voice lowers.

  “Well, since I don’t know the rules, I’ll speak up anyway.”

  She looks at me weird.

  “What?” I ask.

  “You’re different.”

  I know I am, but I’m curious how she sees me. “How?”

  “You used to be quieter, and you always went with the flow. Maybe too much. Now you don’t take any crap. I like it.”

  “Or maybe I grew a pair of balls.”

  We laugh. And it’s not quiet.

  “Okay, class.” Mr. Applegate stands from his desk. “I see two new students. So let me start by introducing myself. I’m your English teacher, and I’m a book lover.” I know I like him.

  Forty minutes later, class is dismissed for lunch. I finish putting my books in my backpack, and when I look up I’m surrounded by the book club. Trent included. I’m reminded of how I felt at Brandy’s New Year’s party. I don’t fit.

  Sandy speaks up. “Why don’t we grab a piece of pizza and hurry back so we can get busy.”

  I start to answer, but Brandy does it for me. “Leah can’t make it today.”

  “Why?” LeAnn asks.

  Brandy always had a way of speaking up for me, and I love her for it, but it suddenly feels wrong. “I’m meeting someone for lunch.” I pick up my backpack.

  “Who?” Trent asks.

  I swallow.

  Before I answer, Sandy speaks up. “Don’t tell me. It’s Matt Kenner?”

  I nod.

  “Book club comes before boyfriends,” LeAnn says.

  I almost say he’s not my boyfriend. But he kissed me in the hall. Maybe he is my boyfriend. LeAnn’s looking at me as if waiting for an answer. But it wasn’t a question. I nod goodbye at Brandy and walk off. Right before I’m out, I hear LeAnn say, “She’s different.”

  * * *

  Matt’s where he said he’d be. “Hey.” He offers me a shy smile and studies me. I almost think he’s worried the kiss upset me.

  I smile.

  “Let’s grab something quick so we can talk,” I say. The lunchroom noise is booming. The smell of tuna casserole is thick.

  “Yeah.” He walks to the pizza counter. “This okay?” He makes a face. “Or do you like tuna casserole?”

  Pizza’s great, even though I suspect the book club will arrive shortly. But I can’t avoid them forever.

  We stop in the line. He moves closer. His arm is against mine. Then he ducks his head close to my ear. “How’s your first day so far?”

  Besides having a little run-in with the school bully, and being sent to the office? “Pretty good.” I’m still high from his kiss.

  “So you don’t feel as if you’re wearing someone else’s shoes?” He glances down at my boots.

  The fact that he remembered what I said means he was really listening. I like that.

  “A little, but I’m getting used to them.” I put one heel up and turn my ankle.

  He glances down. “I hate to say this, but I like the Donald Ducks better.”

  I grin. “But you haven’t seen the Dumbos yet.”

  He laughs. This close, I hear the different tones in his laugh. Low then high. I love the sound. And every time he laughs, it sounds less rusty.

  “How’s your day?” I ask.

  “It started off bad. But it got better about forty-five minutes ago.”

  I realize he’s talking about the kiss in the hall. I grin. “Funny, that’s when my day started uphill too.”

  The line moves up.

  I hear familiar voices and glance around. It’s the book club.

  Brandy mouths the words “good luck.”

  Matt starts talking about the classes we’ll have together and asks if I met the teachers.

  “I haven’t had math yet. Ms. Whitney, our science teacher, is okay. But I have Mr. Perez for history. He’s an asswipe.” My gut tightens.

  “Last year he taught eleventh-grade history. Eric had him. He said the same thing.”

  We get our pizza and drinks and pay. The back of my neck tingles, and I turn around. LeAnn, Sandy, and Trent are staring. Matt and I move away from the counter.

  Matt stops and looks around. “I see a couple seats in the back.”

  We start that way, and I hear someone call out, “Matt, I saved you a seat.”

  I turn and see it’s the table closest to the one big window. The popular kids’ table. Where the cheerleaders and jocks sit. The whole school knows it’s their table. No one else even tries to sit there. I spot the girl Trent was talking to, the one I think is Marissa. I notice there’s more than one seat free. I’d told myself I needed to be nice to his friends, but to sit with them…? Now? Am I ready?

  I wait to see what Matt will do, worrying he’s going to say he’ll catch up with me later.

  “Thanks. Next time,” Matt calls back.

  I let go of the breath I’m holding. I’m ashamed I expected him to drop me in the grease. Then my emotions start zipping everywhere. I don’t know if I’m thrilled he wants to be alone with me or bothered that he doesn’t want me to sit with his friends.

  What is it about school that drains a girl’s self-confidence?

  We set our trays on the table, away from the others, and settle in. He’s sitting so close I feel his leg pressed against mine. It sends all kind of sweet tingles through my body.

  He opens his milk. I unscrew the lid off my water bottle and take a sip. People are staring. Probably wondering why a popular boy is sitting with a blatant book geek.

  Matt reaches for his pizza. “Can you go with me to walk Lady after school?”

  “Yeah. But Mom’s going to want to interrogate me about my first day back to school before I leave.”

  “So how about four?” He takes a bite.

  “That’s good.”

  He looks at my untouched pizza. “You’d better eat. Time passes fast.”

  I pick up my cheese pizza and take a bite. “Hmm,” I say, talking around the flavorless food. “I forgot how good school pizza was.” I’m being sarcastic. He must get it because he laughs.

  “You could have gotten tuna casserole,” he says.

  I roll my eyes. “Kill me now.”

  He brushes a finger across my lips.

  I reach for the napkin thinking I had sauce on my mouth.

  “You’re fine.” He grins, almost appearing embarrassed, but then he presses the finger he’d had to my lips to his. Something about it is … sexy.

  I feel the good flutters in my stomach again. I swear, if he tries to kiss me right now, even in front of over two hundred peers, I’d let him.

  We stare at each other for several seconds.

  He looks down at his pizza. “Can I ask you something?”

  He sounds nervous. “Yeah.” I take another bite of pizza.

  “What’s the deal with you and Trent?”

  23

  I’m caught off guard by the Trent question. “Uh, there’s no deal.”

  He remains silent as
if waiting for me finish. Feeling pressure, I push more words out.

  “We dated … before.”

  “Before…?”

  “We broke up when I got sick.”

  “What an ass!”

  I realize what he assumes. “I broke up with him. Not the other way around.”

  “Why?”

  I shrug. “It didn’t seem fair.”

  “Okay.” He pauses. “It still seems he’d have wanted to be there for you.”

  There was my feeling-sorry-for-myself stage when I went down that lane. When even though I pushed Trent away, it hurt that he didn’t push back. But it didn’t hurt that much. Truth is, I was hurt more when Matt didn’t call.

  It’s different. I know it is. He’d lost his father and we weren’t going out, and I was … sick, but … I’m scared. Scared he’ll realize that even with Eric’s heart, I’ll never be a hundred percent. And if he walked away once …

  Damn that stings.

  “And now?” Matt asks. “You’re not sick anymore.”

  I kind of am, but you couldn’t pay me to say that.

  Matt stares at me right in the eyes. “Are you going back with him?”

  “No. I … don’t feel the same way.”

  “But he does, right?” His words come with a frown.

  When I don’t answer immediately, Matt continues. “I know, because if looks could kill, I’d be worm bait.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say. “I told him I just wanted to be friends.”

  “Good.” Something like relief softens his eyes. “I don’t want to be falling for someone else’s girl.”

  He’s falling for me. That giddy feeling returns. I see the opportunity and I go for it. “What about you?”

  “Me?”

  “Am I falling…”

  “No. I … I haven’t dated since…” He pushes his pizza around on his plate. “I stopped dating when Dad died. I only went out twice afterward. Eric set me up. I didn’t want to go, but Eric could be pushy.”

  Matt downs a couple more bites of his pizza, then reaches for his milk and takes a big drink. He gets quiet for a few seconds. “Maybe this weekend I can take you out for good pizza? If you’re going to be in town.”

  He’s asking me out. He’s really asking me out. “I’m not. I mean, I am.” He looks confused and so do I. “I’m trying to say … I’d like to go out for pizza.” My giddiness is at an all-time high.